It's Becoming Too Much And It's Starting To Show.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haved lived with most of what is described here 24/7 for many years. The general out look now is one of dismay, with each day simply a repetition of her demons coming out in one way or another, although some days aren't as devestating as others. She has  poor concept of time and no schedule at all, so her out bursts could happen at any time; 3:30 pm or 11 in the morning, and many with absolutely no warning. My point being; that over time I have become extremely sleep-deprived. About three weeks ago, after a many day, non-stop tramatic tirade, I simply "fell over" in the kitchen while I was doing the dishes. I did not loose consciousness because I broke my fall, but somehow just fell over-went to sleep from a standing position for a second or something. Generally, because of the constant tension of never knowing what crisis might be brewing, I never get any meaningful rest, let alone a good nights sleep, and that has been for quite a while now. Because that tirade was so intense, she would barge in any place or time, I don't believe I got any sleep all that week. Add that to already being tired and I couldn't stay awake standing or not. But the problem seems to be continueing for now I feel light-headed and zooey much of the time, and a few people have commented I seem clumbsy at times and am not expressing myself with as much accuity as before. Also, my attitude is taking a dramatic shift. For the longest time it would break my heart to see how hurt and devestated she would become, no matter how mean or unjustified her rants. I would totally disregard how she blamed me for everything and the lies she told others about me. Now I am sick of it and want to straighten everything out (I know I can't, but thats the way I feel). Also I am so tired of having this dark cloud over my entire life. I still have plenty of financial and physical means to build a life with some promise, fulfillment and happiness. I am sick to my very soul to always have these unsolvable dilemmas of her entire making filling my whole life, and for what-just to get blamed for everything anyway. She is never going to see the light, for all of the years of doctors, medications, therapies, institutions, financial security and a very loving family apparently have meant nothing to her. Just more things to twist to get what ever sort of validation someone healthy gets from their inner accomplishments and growth. I am sure that those who read this will find a pile of things wrong with what I have written, but that is just the way I feel after all of this time.

[nothinleft]

I haved lived with most of what is described here 24/7 for many years. The general out look now is one of dismay, with each day simply a repetition of her demons coming out in one way or another, although some days aren't as devestating as others. She has  poor concept of time and no schedule at all, so her out bursts could happen at any time; 3:30 pm or 11 in the morning, and many with absolutely no warning. My point being; that over time I have become extremely sleep-deprived. About three weeks ago, after a many day, non-stop tramatic tirade, I simply "fell over" in the kitchen while I was doing the dishes. I did not loose consciousness because I broke my fall, but somehow just fell over-went to sleep from a standing position for a second or something. Generally, because of the constant tension of never knowing what crisis might be brewing, I never get any meaningful rest, let alone a good nights sleep, and that has been for quite a while now. Because that tirade was so intense, she would barge in any place or time, I don't believe I got any sleep all that week. Add that to already being tired and I couldn't stay awake standing or not. But the problem seems to be continueing for now I feel light-headed and zooey much of the time, and a few people have commented I seem clumbsy at times and am not expressing myself with as much accuity as before. Also, my attitude is taking a dramatic shift. For the longest time it would break my heart to see how hurt and devestated she would become, no matter how mean or unjustified her rants. I would totally disregard how she blamed me for everything and the lies she told others about me. Now I am sick of it and want to straighten everything out (I know I can't, but thats the way I feel). Also I am so tired of having this dark cloud over my entire life. I still have plenty of financial and physical means to build a life with some promise, fulfillment and happiness. I am sick to my very soul to always have these unsolvable dilemmas of her entire making filling my whole life, and for what-just to get blamed for everything anyway. She is never going to see the light, for all of the years of doctors, medications, therapies, institutions, financial security and a very loving family apparently have meant nothing to her. Just more things to twist to get what ever sort of validation someone healthy gets from their inner accomplishments and growth. I am sure that those who read this will find a pile of things wrong with what I have written, but that is just the way I feel after all of this time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arabella]

There is nothing wrong with what you said - you feel how you feel. It's really hard and it's entirely fair that you express that. 

I'm not a therapist of any sort, but what you describe sounds very much like some of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and/or compassion fatigue. Do you have a therapist of your own to talk to? It sounds very much like your basic needs are not being met (e.g. sleep!). Is there anything you can think of that would help you to improve your self-care? You can't help anyone else if you are a complete wreck - and falling over at the sink and having friends comment on your altered state is really getting close to scraping bottom... .  

[DogDancer]

Nothinleft,

Friend, arabella is right. You're totally entitled to feeling how you feel and posting about it! You were quite eloquent actually, and gave us a clear picture of what you're undergoing. I'm sorry it's painful right now. 

Self-care is so important. You need rest, and it concerns me that you are getting foggy headed and not displaying the usual acuity to the point of others noticing. I don't know how old you are, but people are much more susceptible to many conditions if they have not been getting adequate sleep for long periods of time.

A therapist is key for many who are involved with or recovering from a person w/BPD. Also, this: It might be wise to get a physical check up yourself, just to make sure nothing is brewing. You've been under much stress for a long time from the sounds of it.

Perhaps it is time for you to develop you exit plan. It sounds like you're thinking of it. Regardless, though, can you go somewhere temporarily to get some rest and quiet? A little time to unwind a bit and think?

I hope you'll continue to post and tell us how you are.

Peace and healing,

DogDancer

[laelle]

For the sake of your own health, which you cant rely on her to recognize... .  you need sleep and a break.  Its not your job to babysit all of her emotions.  No one said you had to sacrifice to her above your well being.  That is your faulty thinking.  

If she doesnt let you sleep.  Let her know that you understand that she has (     ) concerns, and that they are valid concerns and you want to discuss them with her.  We can discuss them further over some coffee in that morning, as for now, I need to sleep.  

If she continues the convo, then you have to remove yourself from the situation.  Try to do this in a non threatening way.  You are going to go and sleep at a friend or relatives house, but that if she still wants to have that cup of coffee in the morning, you are more than willing to discuss the situation then.

Leave... .  you have to take care of you and when she is upset, she only thinks or her and her needs.

You cant control her emotional outburst, but you have the control how you respond to them.

Set a boundary here with yourself.  I need sleep to be able to function as a healthy person, and I will do what I need to do to get that sleep.

With getting sleep, you will be able be more clear headed and able to hear her better.

She wont like it, but she wont have a choice, she can whine all she wants, you will be off getting some sleep.

Let her cool off and self soothe on her own.

These are only suggestions.  I hope they help

[nothinleft]

Thanks to all for the common sense advice. Although I knew that stuff deep inside, my total focus is on her mess and I literally don't seem to be too smart when it comes to myself-so I needed that "heads up". And yes I do have FAULTY THINKING, and to complete the self destruction, I am extremely stubborn, especially when my heart and affections come into play. Not a good combo, for I look only at only the black and never see the sunshine above the clouds. Also ptsd and compassion disorder are germane suggestions that never would have occured to me and which I will investigate further. I have a bright therapist and her input has been very beneficial, although her understanding of BPD could be more inciteful. That might not be a totally fair assessment, but her suggestions go "right out the window" during a major rant. The only boundary that works is my leaving, which has reprecussions later. Anyway, your responses help break my almost total isolation, which is another BPD trap to keep me completely in her clutches in order to show just how bad I actually am and prove that her actions, no matter what, are entirely understandable.

[arabella]

Nothinleft,

BPD - it's a trap! (Are you a Star Wars fan? I hear the 'trap' line in the Admiral Ackbar's voice... .  sorry, totally off topic.)

But what I do mean to say is that, if it helps, appeal to your own faulty thinking on this. You want to help her, you are stubborn, so... .  You HAVE to get some sleep and take care of yourself otherwise you are failing HER too! Those lessons your T has been trying to help you with are going to go straight out the window if you're exhausted. Why? Because fatigue, even minor (and yours is anything but minor) affects how we think, how we act, our reaction times, the chemical balance in our bodies - everything! Combine that with the cognitive and physical manifestations of something like compassion fatigue or PTSD (or even just plain 'ol stress) and you have a disaster waiting to happen. I also hope you aren't driving or operating any heavy machinery? These things rarely occur to people, but it isn't just drugs/alcohol that can kill behind the wheel - safety first! It's not fair to yourself or other people around you if you become a walking/driving hazard. (Seriously, this is something you need to consider.)

So, go ahead and be stubborn, insist that you can help her, that's fine - but realize that means taking care of YOU first. If you let yourself fall apart she will be left without your support entirely, not good. You owe it to both of you to get well!

[arabella]

I should have qualified my post with this:

While I suggested appealing to your perhaps somewhat 'faulty thinking' (as it's dubbed here) that doesn't mean that I believe it its truth. In reality, you 100% deserve to take care of yourself just for YOU. You are important and valuable completely independent of anything you might do for anyone else! But that may be a lesson to work on sometime when you aren't so burnt out. 

[almost789]

arabella,

"compassion fatigue?" I've never heard of this, but it strikes a nerve for me. I'm going to look it up. ... .  

[arabella]

LGO2 - compassion fatigue often is diagnosed in the context of healthcare workers (nurses/doctors/therapists/social workers/etc) or people who are long-term caregivers for ailing family/friends. It's quite the hot topic in healthcare as the monetary cost implications are tremendous (highly skilled workers off on disability, shortage of staff, family unable to cope so the ill family member then requires hospitalization, etc.) It is essentially 'burn-out' taken to the extreme. It creeps up slowly, although often hits all at once, and can be absolutely debilitating for the sufferer both physically and mentally. One of the reasons therapy is recommended for caregivers (professional or personal) is to help employ strategies to prevent or alleviate compassion fatigue. It's very interesting, but also rather depressing - I think a lot (most?) of the people on this forum can probably relate.

[Go Fish]

Hello,

I would suggest sleeping in a different room if she wakes you up at night. This gives her a boundary and lets you sleep.

Yes, take care of you first. Whether you stay or go, you have to take care of yourself. Besides sleep, time out alone or with a friend can help.

I had to count hours of sleep and take naps, and keep track of nutrition and exercise until I got past the fatigue. I'm still very careful of my health.

Please be careful driving. It's better to take a mental health day. You are a caretaker, and you are getting burned out. What would you tell a friend or child in the same situation to do?

[lena7]

Nothinleft, I read your post and I feel quite identified with your situation. Even though not so much sleep deprived as you are, I feel under siege.

I have to live with my partner 24-7, I can't work, I can't get out of the house whenever I feel like, I can't watch tv, read books or whatever activity without seeking prior approval from my partner.

I've been wanting to go to therapy myself because I don't know how to handle this situation any further, and I also feel my compassion has ran out. I feel a lot more resentment because I realize he is turning me into a nerve-wreck.

He went to treatment, but it only lasted a few days and now he's back, he's doing drugs, and of course he's blaming me for it. At least now I'm home alone and I have the opportunity to come to the forum and express my feelings, since I don't have anybody else in my life who I can talk to. He took care of my family and friends if you know what I mean.

Sorry about the rant. I hope your situation gets resolved the best way possible, you're not alone

[arabella]

nothinleft;

How are you doing? Have you managed to get some sleep at all?

lena7;

That's not good. Is there something stopping you from getting therapy for yourself? The situation you describe is dangerous and abusive. You need to see a professional. If your partner doesn't want you to see a therapist, could you tell him you're having medical issues (this is actually true - the level of distress you describe is a legitimate medical concern) and that you are going to see a doctor (just don't specify what type of 'doctor'? Would that give you some leeway perhaps?

[nothinleft]

Thanks to all for the concern and suggestions-I really mean that. As my life has proved, I'm a surviver, surmounting what the smart flee and the unfortunate die from. As usual, I am climbing out, finally getting some much needed rest. I wanted to post this earlier, but I have been engrossed in much of the excellent education material provided by this site. I had to, for I dearly needed that knowledge to readjust and heal. My emotions are still conflicted, with deep sorrow for my wife's suffering and a firery anger at the lack of help she needs and deserves and what not having that support has caused. We have finally put in place and started a comprehensive program (she cancelled the whole thing in a rage about 3 weeks ago, or we would be on our way) to meet many of her physical and some of her emotional difficulties. So my anger is not in that direction(although it could be), but it is at her family and some of her affiliate associates that speaks so dearly of helping others, and yet, not so much as a peep or phone call from them after her long absence from her normal activity with them. I am livid, because that would be so healing for her and a much needed break from my always worring. I am also in therapy and awaiting the results of a complete blood panel as part of a physical that so far shows I am healthy as a horse, which is the surviver in me. The trade off (there always is one) is misery-suffering till the end. But thats much too dramatic and self-serving. I should count my blessings, because that is what life is all about. Once again- Thanks everybody

[Grey Kitty]

As my life has proved, I'm a surviver, surmounting what the smart flee and the unfortunate die from. As usual, I am climbing out, finally getting some much needed rest. I wanted to post this earlier, but I have been engrossed in much of the excellent education material provided by this site.

Good for you. Keeping yourself rested is huge. Sleep deprivation makes us all STUPID, and you can't afford to keep doing STUPID things.

Reading the lessons here is also a life-saver, or at least was for me.

I'm sure you will have plenty more to process. Come in here and ask for help when you need it, or just post an update now and again. The more work you put into taking care of yourself, the better everything gets. 

[lena7]

Arabella,

He is stopping me from getting therapy. Every time I bring it up, he gets in either of these two opposite states:

* "Victim" mode: starts mentioning divorce or separation because clearly he is damaging my life, etc, etc. But of course this is all just to get positive affirmation that I'm not leaving.

* Aggressive: he gets defensive and says that I'm pulling this sh#* because I'm trying to turn the situation around.

Now, trying to go to therapy without his knowledge would be a rather difficult, if not impossible task. I can't tell him that I'm going to the doctor because he's going to start asking a lot of questions.

My partner is extremely paranoid, and one of the reasons why he  behaves like this is because he's afraid I'm going to leave him.

Nothinleft,

I don't think you're being too dramatic when you mention misery-suffering till the end. It's realistic. For all of us who have to live with pwBPD, life is difficult, full of emotional instability, abnormal amounts of stress and, at least in my case, hopelessness.

[arabella]

nothinleft,

Glad to hear you're moving forward! Now, may I make a suggestion? Redirect some of that anger and ask for some of the support you need. Call up those friends/family members and say, "hey, I know you really care about her - she could really use a few extra phone calls/visits/whatever right now". Sometimes people let us down because they just don't know what to do, or they're afraid of doing the wrong thing. Employ some of those DEARMAN skills and reach out before you burn out. You're already on the right path, getting professional help, you've got nothing to lose by branching out for a wider support network.

lena7,

Hmm... .  tricky. I can offer suggestions, but is that what you're looking for? You sound rather stuck and no amount of advice is going to help if you aren't ready to change your situation. Realistically, what do you want to see happen? What type of support are you seeking right now?

[just screwed]

Hi Notinleft,

I just started visiting this site and have a post on this board called "Not sure... but I think it is too late" We seem to be in a similar situation.  I can tell you I am extremely sleep deprived maybe getting 5 hours a night.  My wife's disorder is so consuming and I, like you, am a survivor.  We need to find strength in that and use the tools we did to survive (for me being the first to go to one of the hardest engineering schools in NY, getting a MBA at night school, starting and selling my own business).  It is those tools you need to rely on now.  I love my wife with all my heart but I can't fix her... .  despite wanting to.  It is so sad and the mental and emotional torture is sickening.  I am learning tools from this site to help me get stronger and likely move on.  No matter how much I love her, I don't see it improving and I have to find happiness in myself and move on.  Best of luck... .  you can read my story at the thread above on this board.

[lena7]

Arabella,

I guess I'm just hanging on to the hope that this is either going to somehow improve or I'm going to have move on and try to leave him. I say try because unless I escape somehow it would be impossible for me to just leave.

He told me he was going to start going to NA for his drug problem. But not a word about therapy, and for me to bring it up is very difficult.

So I'm just trying to look for any type of improvement, and your advice is more than welcome, thank you for that

[Grey Kitty]

I guess I'm just hanging on to the hope that this is either going to somehow improve or I'm going to have move on and try to leave him. I say try because unless I escape somehow it would be impossible for me to just leave.

Lena, read the lessons here when you have some time for it. The link(s) are off to the right side on this board always.

If you want something different in your situation, you need to focus on changing what you do have the power to change--yourself.

I've seen you write of how you have changed in this relationship in ways that you don't like. Now is the time to start making changes you do like.

Start by taking care of yourself, either by doing things that are good for you and make you feel better... .  or by removing yourself (at least temporarily) from hurtful (abusive) situations.

When you do that, it WILL start to get better for you.