Was looking for a little support (silly me)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am traveling without my undiagnosed BPD husband for the first time in 5 yrs.  My dad has dementia and he is starting to lose it and I wanted to spend a few days with him while he still knows who I am.  My husband was supportive.   We have a few dogs and I do most of the work with them and I was worried about my husband having to take care of them alone.  I even offered to put some or all of them in boarding for the week that I am away but he assured me that everything would be fine and that he was looking forward to the time alone to rediscover himself.

My husband loses it about once a week.  His biggest trigger is boredom.  This usually happens on Sunday (he has a seasonal job that lasts M-Th... .  but his last day for the season was Thursday.  Yesterday Friday he starts in about the fact that he is really sorry but he is getting rid of all of our dogs.  He says that they are boring and he has had enough.  I sent him a message that obviously we need to do what we have to do to ensure that we alleviate his stress (I have no intention of getting rid of our dogs, but figured it was a way to validate his feelings without committing to anything).  My husband loves our dogs.  He lives for them. 

I get 15 messages from him before 5 am.  Everything from the fact that his next job isn't going to work out.  To the fact that he is a bad person and a loser.  To the fact that our life together isn't working out.  That he has no friends of family (huh?) to the fact that his health is so bad that he can't live a normal life (BS).  He also says that he is going to abandon something that he has really been looking forward to... .  to go to a stupid staff party for his seasonal job.  Last night before bed he is saying that he loves and misses me. 

Today I am with my dad for my last few hours before we (our son and I) head back tomorrow. My husband is messaging me saying he is getting rid of the dogs and that my mom needs to take them or they go to the pound.  I send him a message and say "honey, I love you and I'm really sorry but I need to spend this next hour with my dad.  I'll call you later."  He completely loses it.  Says that he isn't coming to the airport.  I can take the $200 cab ride and he'll leave the key in the shed.  He goes off about how I am a loser (yup.  I work a professional job, do all the housework and do all the cooking) so that he can work low stress minimal wage jobs.  I don't mind except when he goes nutty on me.  So in an emotionally difficult time with my dad... .  I was hoping for support from my husband.  I don't know if I will have a ride from the airport.  I don't want to take a cab with a 1 yr old after 11 hours of flying.  I sent him my flight details.  Told him that I loved him and that I hoped to see him at the airport but if not then I will make arrangements to get home.  I just wish I had someone in my life that I could rely on. 

Just looking for a little support since clearly I am not going to get it from my husband.  Did I handle this ok?

[allibaba]

I am traveling without my undiagnosed BPD husband for the first time in 5 yrs.  My dad has dementia and he is starting to lose it and I wanted to spend a few days with him while he still knows who I am.  My husband was supportive.   We have a few dogs and I do most of the work with them and I was worried about my husband having to take care of them alone.  I even offered to put some or all of them in boarding for the week that I am away but he assured me that everything would be fine and that he was looking forward to the time alone to rediscover himself.

My husband loses it about once a week.  His biggest trigger is boredom.  This usually happens on Sunday (he has a seasonal job that lasts M-Th... .  but his last day for the season was Thursday.  Yesterday Friday he starts in about the fact that he is really sorry but he is getting rid of all of our dogs.  He says that they are boring and he has had enough.  I sent him a message that obviously we need to do what we have to do to ensure that we alleviate his stress (I have no intention of getting rid of our dogs, but figured it was a way to validate his feelings without committing to anything).  My husband loves our dogs.  He lives for them. 

I get 15 messages from him before 5 am.  Everything from the fact that his next job isn't going to work out.  To the fact that he is a bad person and a loser.  To the fact that our life together isn't working out.  That he has no friends of family (huh?) to the fact that his health is so bad that he can't live a normal life (BS).  He also says that he is going to abandon something that he has really been looking forward to... .  to go to a stupid staff party for his seasonal job.  Last night before bed he is saying that he loves and misses me. 

Today I am with my dad for my last few hours before we (our son and I) head back tomorrow. My husband is messaging me saying he is getting rid of the dogs and that my mom needs to take them or they go to the pound.  I send him a message and say "honey, I love you and I'm really sorry but I need to spend this next hour with my dad.  I'll call you later."  He completely loses it.  Says that he isn't coming to the airport.  I can take the $200 cab ride and he'll leave the key in the shed.  He goes off about how I am a loser (yup.  I work a professional job, do all the housework and do all the cooking) so that he can work low stress minimal wage jobs.  I don't mind except when he goes nutty on me.  So in an emotionally difficult time with my dad... .  I was hoping for support from my husband.  I don't know if I will have a ride from the airport.  I don't want to take a cab with a 1 yr old after 11 hours of flying.  I sent him my flight details.  Told him that I loved him and that I hoped to see him at the airport but if not then I will make arrangements to get home.  I just wish I had someone in my life that I could rely on. 

Just looking for a little support since clearly I am not going to get it from my husband.  Did I handle this ok?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sadeyes]

I think you did a good job. I am no pro, but you validated and left him to his feelings. I know how it feels to never have them when you need them.I have an internal saying that I use which is "never let him see me down". Maybe that's not good in the long run, but for now it is my coping skill. Mine uses being down for any reason (even something as simple as being exhausted from lack of sleep) as a reason to attack. It is like the lion going after the injured antelope. Keep your head up!

[allibaba]

Thank you so much!  I used to "never let him see me down" but he expressed a lot of anger over the fact that I wasn't honest with my feelings.  Said it was like being married to someone with no emotionals and that he needed to know the true me. 

Now I let him know when I am down.  I have an internal saying "anything you say - can and will be used against you."  I just expect that being honest with him (even just about myself and my feelings - even when delivered gently) will have fallout.  There is always fallout anyway... .  so OH WELL! 

Thanks for helping me not to feel alone.

[waverider]

You did the best you could to get a good result. You certainly did nothing to make it worse. But there are no guarantees and the rest is up to him now.

Consistency of thought or plans is not very achievable for a pwBPD once triggered.

If my partner is triggered she is incapable of saying now what she will be doing/ feeling in half an hour. So I found arguing with the thought of the moment is pointless as it is often soon gone. In fact arguing can often turn it into reality by way of stubbornness.

[sadeyes]

I may have to try that. The worst is when they sense that you're down a bit, and rage because you don't discuss it with them. Then if you do discuss it they rage because they don't like whatever you're upset about.

Loose Loose situation.

I am leaving the country in a few weeks with my mom. He will not be able to call me. Not that we can't check in with short calls a few times, it just will not be 24 hr access. It is much cheaper for me to call from a payphone with calling card.He is for it now, but I am just waiting for the loco to come out about it. I think it will be good for him to have to take care of himself for a few days. He did ask me to cook all his meals before I left.

[allibaba]

Waverider.  What is pwBPD?  I am obviously very new!

[sadeyes]

Waverider.  What is pwBPD?  I am obviously very new!

Best I can figure it's something like "person with borderline personality disorder"

[waverider]

Waverider.  What is pwBPD?  I am obviously very new!

Best I can figure it's something like "person with borderline personality disorder"

correct

also BPDso =substantial other, uBPD =undiagnosed etc

[allibaba]

He's definitely not coming to the airport.  He said to our 1 yr old son on the phone this morning... .  "daddy will see you at home".  So at 9:00pm after many hours of travel with many bags and baby seats etc I have to get a taxi.  I'll survive.  Its a pain but I'll survive. 

Assuming that he does go through with this little plan I am going to let his dad and my mom know that he "wasn't able to make it to the airport to pick us up."  And then I am going to let my husband know that his dad and my mom are aware that we had to take a taxi.  I find that he does better (long-term) when I don't hide his stupid games from the world. 

[sadeyes]

He's definitely not coming to the airport.  He said to our 1 yr old son on the phone this morning... .  "daddy will see you at home".  So at 9:00pm after many hours of travel with many bags and baby seats etc I have to get a taxi.  I'll survive.  Its a pain but I'll survive. 

Assuming that he does go through with this little plan I am going to let his dad and my mom know that he "wasn't able to make it to the airport to pick us up."  And then I am going to let my husband know that his dad and my mom are aware that we had to take a taxi.  I find that he does better (long-term) when I don't hide his stupid games from the world. 

Our guys seem a lot alike. I think you should plan for a taxi, but don't be surprised if he shows up. I could totally see my dh saying he wasn't coming &  then showing up like nothing ever happened.

Either way, it sounds like you have a plan. You will make it home with or without him. You will know next trip to make transportation plans ahead. (We have lots of park and rides for about $5 near my airport... .  Might be less than a taxi next time)

Hugs to you!.You will make it, and you will be better educated to deal with the next scenario.

[allibaba]

Yes it does sound like we have very similar husbands!  Thank goodness I am not alone.

I was thinking about it... .  In addition to 'outing him' if he doesn't show... .  I am going to send him a message before I get on the flight and basically say that him deciding not to pick us up at the airport really hurts me.  I know our son is going to be exhausted and cranky and if he could find it in his heart to come get us it would mean a lot to me.  I think he's planning on not showing now... .  just to prove how serious he is.  If I acknowledge that he isn't coming and then ask him to change his mind... .  I am validating the fact that he is serious... .    hmmm.  I think that this plan might work.  You are correct.  One way or another I'll get home and to be honest... .  I'll be no worse off than money out of pocket (minor in the grand scheme of things).  I was going to use the leftover money from the trip to buy something that he wants... .  so its hurting him and not me.

Other than boredom his worst triggers are 1.  me not being honest about my feelings and 2. me not listening to him.

I mean... .  what do I have to lose?  Nothing.

[sadeyes]

allibaba,

Did you text him like you were planning? Did he show?

[optimismandlove]

Hi.  im a newbie but have been in a relationship with myuBPD partner (who is a medical doctor) for 3 years.      

Reading thru this thread I am shaking my head at the ridiculous familiarity in the BPDdance.

Only last week I had the lightbulb moment and realised he ticked off 8 of the 9 traits.

My intro is on the new members intro thread.

I am currently recuperating from an unpleasant operationand need to keep off my feet and lie down.  Its been two days now and I see impatience creeping in now.  I amobviously very inconsiderate for having this condition.  He laments that I am so frail.

We simply have to be available to attend to their moreimportant problems.

I dread having to 'rely' on him as he makes me feel so bad and that I somehow need to make up for lost time.  

There is always drama in his life and severe over reactions and we are all expected to cater exclusively to his unique importantneeds at our own expense.

Whilst we have separate houseshe still expects me to organise every single meal of the day.  He is not happy that I havent cooked for a few days.

I start to panic at 4pm wondering if I can muster the energy to shop and cook

The best thing I did recently was get on a plane with my sons and spent xmas in nz with my exhusbandsfamily who still love and respect me, unlike my partners family who are ungrateful I am in his life.  I had 3 luxurious weeks of doing things just for myself and my sons.    Fabulous, liberating.

Of course there was a bombardment of suicidal messages, compulsive gambling sprees,  self denigration etc... .  

I cameback resolved not to tolerate any abuse and stated I would only be in his life if helearned to manage his overreactions and gambling.

I helped him thru a legal matter and a medical hearing but then he just regressed.

I stepped back and now spend most of my time at my place

I do not engage with him whenhe is on a downer

I have just presented hi. Gently with my opinion he may be livi g with BPD.

He is shocked and finds it very confronting but admits he displays some traits.

I am like a detached observer now

I am sick so havent the energy to fight, soothe, validate, walk on eggshells etc...

Just focusing on myself and healing me and my boys.

Will keep you posted.

Thankyou for creating this special safe place for us.

[allibaba]

Sadeyes,

He sent me a message before we took our flight saying that there was a huge ice storm and therefore he would have to come get us from the airport.  We arrived and he was very happy to see us.  There was absolutely no weather at home at all... .  so it was just an excuse to come.

Moral of the story.  Stay strong and they will follow.  There are always bumps in the road... .  but we have to expect them. 

My undiagnosed BPD is convinced that his intolerance to gluten is causing some of his anger issues.  This is correct because I see it when he eats gluten.  Its not all of the story but it is certainly some of it.

[sadeyes]

Sadeyes,

He sent me a message before we took our flight saying that there was a huge ice storm and therefore he would have to come get us from the airport.  We arrived and he was very happy to see us.  There was absolutely no weather at home at all... .  so it was just an excuse to come.

Moral of the story.  Stay strong and they will follow.  There are always bumps in the road... .  but we have to expect them. 

My undiagnosed BPD is convinced that his intolerance to gluten is causing some of his anger issues.  This is correct because I see it when he eats gluten.  Its not all of the story but it is certainly some of it.

Good for you. I think sometimes allowing them to save face so to speak without having to admit fault helps too. Look for their I'm sorry without them saying it.

[briefcase]

I'm glad to hear he came to the airport.  And, yes, staying strong is a big part of it. 

Just a quick thought on validation.  Validation has nothing to do with his "facts" (the dog issues) or whether or not he is serious or not (about picking you up). Validation is simply letting them feel heard.  We want to make sure we don't validate anything that is invalid - i.e. the dogs are the reason he's bored, or that it's ok for him to not pick you up from the airport. 

It's better to stick with pure emotional validation.  "I know you are feeling bored right now."  "You sound upset because we couldn't talk."

[allibaba]

I made the mistake of validating the wrong stuff for years... .  and it made things really really bad.

My point with telling him that I agree that "we need to do something to alleviate his stress" was more about acknowledging that he was stressed out rather than validating the reasons that he was stressing.

Regardless of what mood he was in... .  I called him twice a day while I was away.  I emphasized that I missed him and that being away always reminds me of the value of him in my life (TRUE).  For the ups and downs that he has... .  I am with my husband for a reason.  He is an AMAZING person and has lots of skills that I don't have. 

Since I got back and he is on a multi-day kick of him realizing how much I do around the house and saying that he needs to grow up and act like an adult.  Its been great having him cooking and cleaning and doing laundry with me.  I know that all good things will come to an end but I will enjoy the loving and supportive partner that I have for today.

He has gone completely gluten free again.  I remember when he did this back in May he had significantly less mood swings.  Fingers crossed.

[allibaba]

And Briefcase,

Thank you for this -- don't know how to do the referencing but... .  

 

It's better to stick with pure emotional validation.  "I know you are feeling bored right now."  "You sound upset because we couldn't talk."

I will use these for future outbursts.  My husband tells me that the thing that makes him lose his mind the most is when he feels like I am ignoring him and he says that then he escalates by saying the most crazy things.  When he's calm he has amazing self-awareness... .  better than a lot of people without BPD.

[lizzie458]

I'm so glad I read this post.  My dBPDh raged at me on the phone the other day when we ironed out a miscommunication where he had completely misunderstood me  about some mundane issue (really really distorted reality).  I assume he felt embarrassed and probably a bit confused and dysregulated because of that.  But I was emotionally vulnerable at the time so I hung up the phone, which was the best I could do in the moment.  Shortly thereafter I had a serious issue come up at work that left me feeling even more vulnerable - I have support, but I felt like I needed my husband.  I knew in order to get his support, however, I'd have to first validate his feelings first (either that or rage back at him - which works sometimes, but I don't feel right blowing up like that just to get his attention) and I was just not up to facing his rage in my emotional state.  So I hid out.  We work oppostie shifts so it's relatively easy for us to miss each other.  I have been avoiding him since Monday.

I just texted him about needing to talk and immediately he started laying into me because he's upset I haven't been around.  So disappointing!  I mean, I should really see this coming.  I know it's the BPD.  But still, I just wanted my husband.  I told him maybe we could talk when he calms down.  Now I'm thinking that phrase is probably a trigger for him, which sucks.  "I AM CALM!"