Thin, thin ice

[Disastra]

Hi, My husband exhibits so many behaviours listed on articles about Narcissism and BPD that I begin to believe maybe it's not me after all.

What has brought me here is two and a half years of triangulation that I have only today discovered even exists.  So many 'Ah' moments, so many moments of recognition and thinking these things could be written about what is going on in our life.

There is a female work colleague of his with whom he has formed a 'bond'.  They text constantly and apparently this started because I was not around on a day he needed someone to talk to.  This day was his birthday, he had spent the prior 3 months being depressed, morose, nasty and saying he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything and that there was no point my taking time off work as he wouldn't be.  I cancelled my planned leave (Once cancelled it is impossible to get back, we have to book leave 12 month in advance)and was allotted a shift I couldn't change that meant I couldn't be home until late in the evening.  He then did take time off work after all.  I got home and he was engaged in a text conversation that took up the rest of the night and which has carried on daily ever since sometimes through to 1/2 am whilst we are in bed.  He won't even switch the text noise off.  I now realise so that I'll react.

If I express any unhappiness about it I'm reminded that it is my fault because I am 'never there' or if I'm reading a book in bed and he suddenly decides to talk at me (Yes I meant at, he rarely talks with) and aren't paying what he considers to be enough attention, then I'm subjected to 'No wonder I talk to someone else' rages.

He seems to take great pleasure in telling me about when she flirts with him or has intimated she'd like things to go further and also tells me she thinks I'm a b___ and he should leave me alternating with telling me she's said he should appreciate me.

They are after all 'just friends' and I'm over reacting and being silly.  I, on the other hand, only have to get into a conversation with a man and that is thrown at me again and again as something that is evidence that I have feelings for that person.  Even my managers at work that are male become people I'm seeking something with.

I can never give enough love or physical intimacy and am constantly told this. Berated for not using a pet name for him or not holding him when he needs it.  If I do say something nice, or go to cuddle him or initiate some form of intimacy then the first thing he utters is a barbed comment or something such as 'gosh, you were nice to me!'  It's actually counter-productive but he won't listen when I've tried to explain that.

He obfuscates, lies and distorts too.  A rational conversation about our relationship is a no-go and I've practically given up trying because it'll turn into a list of my defects and the imagined or twisted things I'm supposed to have done or said in the past.  It is ALWAYS my fault.

And then... .He'll declare I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, that we are soulmates forever, and there'll be days of happiness, going to gigs, museums, events that are lovely.  When I look back on them though they're often characterized by doing what he wanted and going where he wanted and I've made myself forget the sulk or tantrum when I wanted something from the day/event.

We've been married for 6 years and he is 40, I'm 50.  I used to be so full of life and involved in so many things, now I'm realising I've pulled back from everything.

Anyway, this is a mere scratch at the surface as I'd be writing for hours to go into everything.  I'd love to 'save' us and have a committed, secure marriage with emotional honesty, sharing and togetherness, but I wonder lately if it is at all possible.

He won't go to any form of therapy, derides it as nonsense and won't read any self-help articles or try in any way to deal with this.  I want to help him, help us, and regain all the love and trust.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Disastra and welcome!

It sounds as though you have a good feel and read for some of the not so savory aspects of being intimately involved with a person exhibiting traits of extreme emotional immaturity.  Do you ever just feel exhausted following along, trying to make rational sense out of it?

The exhaustion has been the clue to step back and tend to myself, take care of my own business, put some of that (mental) energy toward something productive, like cleaning out a closet or shredding old paperwork, making sure I get good rest, exercise and sleep.  Things, anything other than staring into (my pwBPD's) psyche and trying to figure him out and change his ways.

There is a female work colleague of his with whom he has formed a 'bond'.  They text constantly and apparently this started because I was not around on a day he needed someone to talk to.  This day was his birthday, he had spent the prior 3 months being depressed, morose, nasty and saying he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything and that there was no point my taking time off work as he wouldn't be.  I cancelled my planned leave (Once cancelled it is impossible to get back, we have to book leave 12 month in advance)and was allotted a shift I couldn't change that meant I couldn't be home until late in the evening.  He then did take time off work after all.  I got home and he was engaged in a text conversation that took up the rest of the night and which has carried on daily ever since sometimes through to 1/2 am whilst we are in bed.  He won't even switch the text noise off.  I now realise so that I'll react.

Rude!  He texts with this coworker while in bed with you?  In what ways do you react or respond?

It took a long time to realize that my feelings really do matter.  I had such a block there.  I mean, I knew I was feeling something, but had no idea how to express it.  So then I would focus more on him in order to try to figure out my own feelings.  It was really weird and overwhelming, so I'd shut down and get kinda stuck in this indignant phase, but not really say anything, or sometimes say too much, but in a way I was sure not to be heard (JADE, is in the tools).  Pretty passive-aggressive behavior on my own part.

Getting in touch with my own maladaptive coping/defense mechanisms is what has provided the path forward... .  (still--> Learning ways to match up my feelings with my behavior.  Walk my talk, so to speak.

It's great that you've found us, Disastra!  Take your time and read through the Lessons.  Before things can get better, we have to stop making it worse.

Change starts with us, from within

[Disastra]

I'd shut down and get kinda stuck in this indignant phase, but not really say anything, or sometimes say too much,

Thank you.  This pretty much sums up where I've been.  I've gone through the whole gamut of responses from screaming and shouting, crying, threatening, ignoring and pulling back, to trying to negotiate compromise and set boundaries.

Of course, each one of these I now realise fed into exactly what he wanted, they were attention of one sort or another, he had provoked a reaction, any reaction.  

I have been utterly exhausted by it, exactly as you say and am beginning to realise that by being hurt that he calls or texts her to tell her his news before he tells me, or I find out he has told her something that is very intimate to us, and by trying to explain why I feel this (He just gets defensive at this point and the 'you were not here' trope is brought out) I am just perpetuating the whole thing.

I've begun reading the lessons and boards here and am finding some really helpful stuff.  I'm also trying to force myself through that miasma of doing nothing for myself I've fallen into just so there's no ammunition to be hurled at me.  You know, the 'well, you cleared that cupboard but you've moved my (insert an item of property.) I wanted it to be there, and you did that on purpose to upset me.' type of things.

I know it's going to be slow and difficult but I'm hopeful that I can gain some insight and fix me now so that I'm stronger again to be able to deal with and continue us into a more loving future.  

I'll look at that JADE next as it's not something I've found yet.

Thank you again.



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[takingandsending]

I used to be so full of life and involved in so many things, now I'm realising I've pulled back from everything.

Hi Disastra,

I am so sorry you are going through this with your husband. Your statement above touched me very much. I think many of us (myself very much included) are coping with this same feeling. What I want most for you is to work through these tools and start changing that statement above.

For so many of us, it is our own poor adaptive strategies that cause our suffering to be prolonged and more severe than others. Either because of co-dependency, fear, or other internal obstacles to healthy communication, we accept what we should not, seek approval from others when we most need it from ourselves, and devalue ourselves in ways that make it easy for our BPD partners to devalue us. Granted, some of these behaviors may be a direct result of living with a pwBPD, but the choice to care for ourselves was ever ours.

In the end, we can't control anyone else's behavior, least of all our partners with BPD. We can adjust our communication to reduce the conflict. But, most important, we can learn to love ourselves and do what is supportive and healthy for ourselves. That type of growth may never occur to the degree that it must occur in these relationships.

I wish you the courage, strength and endurance to love yourself and make positive steps in your relationship. Yes, we have to stop making it worse, and we do that by self-love and taking care of our own needs. And believe it or not, as little as our partners may like that change initially, eventually it can help things in your marriage. No guarantees, as we cannot control what our partners feel or do, but generally once they understand that you are not  putting your energy into the drama, they typically stop putting their energy into it, too.

Keep posting. Keep asking questions.