i have been here before 3 years ago

[antjs]

Hi. I am an old member here. Most of you will not recognize me. took me 5 months with the help of this forum to get detached and over my encounter with my ex who happened to suffer from BPD and that was back in 2014. I am in a very advanced level of knowing what i am dealing with when it comes to myself. Talked to a therapist and i had a traumatizing childhood, conditional parental love, emotional physical and psychological abuse by parents basically walking on egg shells my whole life. I have been through a lot for the last four years. things are getting better but not so much... .My mom died 1.5 years ago. I was not happy with employment or financials. I was living in the middle east. I moved to California. things are getting better. I spent a lot of time by myself and tried to cease the opportunity to work on myself, to just set by myself and be comfortable with that.

It was a ___ty situation to say the least. By myself, broken, new to a country with no friends or support sytem but i am very proud of myself. I am more than half way through to get what i want here when it comes to career and stability. BUT... .

I have deeply avoided any encounter with trying to mingle with the ladies and my biggest fear was being rejected. I still condition my self love and self worth to this. I met this girl which i really liked a lot. After meeting her for the first time i started over idealizing here. i understand that idealization in the spark or beginning of attraction is pretty common and relatively healthy but i think i did it too much. I asked for the girls number so that she can join me for a hiking activity and she actually said "sure!" and passed her number.

Long story short when we started texting and i asked her to hang out. she refused. That hit me hard in the feels. Anybody who learned their lesson from a BPD experience would move on in a winute and never think about it or feel like its the end of the world but not me. I really cant believe that after 3 years and i am still in such a position. Any bad experience with the ladies just triggers memory of my mom and my ex BPD gf.

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Antony, I remember you. I have wondered what ever becomes of some past members here.

You were one of the members that were really helpful in my healing process and I appreciate it.

Is it possible that you have too high expectations for yourself? I really like that you said you feel proud of yourself though. You seem to be stronger than you might believe to be.

I sorta feel we all deserve a trophy or a plaque for having endured all of the "it" in these relationships.

That girl gave you her number though originally so thats a positive thing right? Taking things slow might be best. Sometimes I counter the fear of rejection with a what have I got to lose mentality. If I don't try I have 0% chance with her if I make even a small attempt I probably have at least a 1% plus chance hopefully .

[Lucky Jim]

Sometimes I counter the fear of rejection with a what have I got to lose mentality. If I don't try I have 0% chance with her if I make even a small attempt I probably have at least a 1% plus chance hopefully .

I like that approach, AwakenedOne, which reminds me of my pre-marriage dating days.  I used to date lots of different women and learned to let rejection roll off my back.  What I did was say to myself that if a woman declines a date w/me, it's no different than if I was sitting home watching TV anyway, so why not take the chance?  Maybe that sounds silly, but that's what I told myself.     LJ

[jambley]

Lucky Jim you inspire me with confidence. Today ex BPD gf's son had a visit from the police about damage to my property. I feel relief, liberated. Hope is a great thing!

[Lucky Jim]

Happy to help, Jamesss.  Keep up the good work!  LJ

[jambley]

 

[bunny4523]

antjs,

I get where your coming from and I've found something that works for me.  Take a look at this current "dating" situation as if it were a friend telling you the story.  What would you say to your friend?  Probably something along the line of "If she can't see what a great guy you are, her loss, move on!"  "it's her problem, not yours, don't waste your time." 

Be kind to yourself and realize that you have are one of the good ones and if someone can't see that... .then... .run!

My guess is you are talking/texting this girl and putting together this "allusion" of how great she is.  Then when she "rejects' you feel like crap.  First thing is you don't really know her yet.  You only know what you have been told, what you feel and the story you create in your head about her.  The first sign that she isn't who you think she is... .would be that she isn't interested in you.

Stay strong and be good to yourself... .


Bunny