Trying to Find Solutions

[RunningInCircles]

I am glad to have found this site, and hope there is someone who can provide direction.

My mother-in-law is 70, and based upon history provided by my spouse, has demonstrated BPD traits for as long as she can remember.

She has issues with substance abuse (Oxycodone), depression, and has been on disability for over 20 years.  During that time her living situation has been subsidized by family including her brother and daughter (my spouse).  5 years ago we bought a home and had a guest house customized to meet her needs as we were finding her outside her home in her nightgown, letting strangers into her home, and becoming more and more unstable.  Fast forward to the last 5 years, she had been more stable, took care of herself and was the sweet little grandma.  She had a few episodes of which we were able to shield our child from, but this past month she has gone overboard.  She tells our son, "you will be sorry when I'm gone", I'm going to drive out of town they won't call you if I get hurt".  She would not let us know that appliances/toilets were broken, and then as soon as we found out and had them repaired said she didn't tell us because she didn't want to put us out, and then blame us for not being more responsive.  We are constantly trying to make things comfortable for her and now see we have just been feeding into her dysfunction and not taking care of ourselves.  At that point we had enough and told her and the other daughter that she would need to find a different living situation.  She has spent the past two weeks, smoking non-stop (she is oxygen dependent), refuses to turn on her heat, walks a mile to the grocery store which then results in a dramatic rescue (she typically walks very little).  She refused to bathe , and would sit outside for hours in the cold.  All of this as payback for a disagreement we had.  Repeating previous episodes she became sick (respiratory) and had to be taken to the hospital last night for the typical illness, you drove me to role.  We requested a mental health eval due to her self destructive behavior, and were denied, she told her nurse her daughter was going to take her home when she gets discharged tomorrow, which means the daughter who does not provide her any help other than an occasional ride to the doctor will simply drop her back off to us.   Our teenage son is seeing the manipulation and how she switches from sweetness to rage in just minutes, and now she is lashing out at him telling him how terrible his mother is, how he doesnt care about her either.  We talked to APS and they said our only option is to have her conserved and that would put us right back into the situation of being caretaker.  I could use any advice, as it seems unless she seriously tries to hurt herself or threaten actual acts we have no rights. 

[doubleAries]

RunningInCircles, 

Yowza! I'm sure sorry you are having to deal with all this--it sounds quite difficult. Do you suspect that your MIL has BPD?

I think there are people here who can help provide direction, and I'm sure they will chime in quite soon. meanwhile, here is an article you may find helpful The Five Stages of Discovery for Family Members

peace--

doubleAries

[lbjnltx]

Greetings to you Running

So glad that you are here telling us some of your story (I'm sure there is much more)

The self harm type of behaviors are over the top... .  even for a person suffering from BPD.  Do you have access to her medical information?  Releases from her to speak with her doctors?

Is there any possibility that she could go to an assisted living facility?  Has she refused this in the past?

No matter her choices there are steps that you can take to have more control over your life and your families lives... .  beginning with taking care of self.  Sometimes we become overwhelmed by the situation and chaos and don't know what to do or how to do it.  There are answers here and we want to help.

You are among peers that understand your dilemna and they are willing to support you as you work towards taking your life back from the drama and uncertainty.

lbjnltx

[ambi]

  RunninginCircles:

It sounds like a really difficult situation.  If she is still in the hospital, you might try meeting with the hospital social worker to look at your options.  Please be sure they are clear that her behaviors are high risk and have begun to impact her physical well being and safety.  They might be able to give you recommendations for assisted living, a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist for an outpatient evaluation, or other resources in your community.  While you get your options together, you might ask them to arrange for visiting nurses, meals on wheels, and/or someone to help her with her shopping and household needs.  See if your state has a department of aging - they're usually terrific with resource recommendations.  Those things might give you and your wife some respite while you figure out what the options are.

While I really appreciate and respect the concern you're showing for your family, what are you and your wife doing to take care of yourselves right now?  How are you doing?

ambi