Obsessions

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last night he was looking at yet another expensive camera on his computer and he told me that he's getting a "commemorative series" camera that's all stainless steel and it should be arriving next week. Yet another addition to what I call his "camera museum". He's got dozens of very expensive cameras (he can afford it) and lenses. Probably just one camera cost him more than my horse trailer.

I've learned to say nothing--or a generic, "how nice--I bet you'll be really excited to get that." I know he will probably use it a couple of times and then he'll need another one.

The problem for me is a conflict of values. I value living simply--and not using up the planet's resources. I'm always turning off lights he leaves on. And these obsessions--Buddhism books, camera equipment, stereo equipment, the latest computer gear. I do benefit from the latter as he gives me his old computer stuff.

But these obsessions just bug me and I think less of him for being so wasteful. I know he's trying desperately to fill some deep void within, but really?

I want to ask you something Cat.  For most of my life I was always concerned about the earth's resources and denied myself things that I wanted.  Do you think that is part of being co-dependent?

I mean, I never had hobbies or did anything fun.  I never collected anything.

I realize now that I was that way due to my parents criticizing everything that I liked.  So, I learned not to take an interest in anything besides work and trying to be a good husband and father.  Now I think that my family would have been better served having a dad/father that had rich (I don't mean financially) interests and enjoyable hobbies that they could participate in with me.

[workinprogress]

Last night he was looking at yet another expensive camera on his computer and he told me that he's getting a "commemorative series" camera that's all stainless steel and it should be arriving next week. Yet another addition to what I call his "camera museum". He's got dozens of very expensive cameras (he can afford it) and lenses. Probably just one camera cost him more than my horse trailer.

I've learned to say nothing--or a generic, "how nice--I bet you'll be really excited to get that." I know he will probably use it a couple of times and then he'll need another one.

The problem for me is a conflict of values. I value living simply--and not using up the planet's resources. I'm always turning off lights he leaves on. And these obsessions--Buddhism books, camera equipment, stereo equipment, the latest computer gear. I do benefit from the latter as he gives me his old computer stuff.

But these obsessions just bug me and I think less of him for being so wasteful. I know he's trying desperately to fill some deep void within, but really?

I want to ask you something Cat.  For most of my life I was always concerned about the earth's resources and denied myself things that I wanted.  Do you think that is part of being co-dependent?

I mean, I never had hobbies or did anything fun.  I never collected anything.

I realize now that I was that way due to my parents criticizing everything that I liked.  So, I learned not to take an interest in anything besides work and trying to be a good husband and father.  Now I think that my family would have been better served having a dad/father that had rich (I don't mean financially) interests and enjoyable hobbies that they could participate in with me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I don't know about denying yourself being part of co-dependency. For me, I developed a belief in "voluntary simplicity" at an early age. Part of it was a function of being poor as a young adult, but more than that, I was kind of repelled by how materialism seemed to run so many people's lives, in addition to feeling concern for not consuming more than my share of the earth's resources.

Just being an American, I'm consuming way more than most people on the planet, so it's a slippery slope. I guess where I would draw the line is--do you use the objects you covet and enjoy them? Or do they just clutter your reality and once you have them, the thrill is gone and you want something else?

I'm really sorry, Workinprogress, that your parents criticized your interests. Mine were very work-oriented as well and they held that as their highest value. I saw how desperately unhappy that work made my mother and I decided that I would only work at jobs I liked, ultimately becoming self-employed and working harder and for less money than if I would have found employment elsewhere. (It's interesting how we live out our parents' programming.)

Can you start sharing your interests and picking up new hobbies that your family could somehow participate in now? As Tom Robbins said, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." Sort of my motto throughout life--even when I was poor, I found inexpensive or free ways to have fun.

[enlighten me]

Hi cat

better he collects things rather than people. Theres a lot more dangerous and hurtful things he could obsess about.

Enlighten, you're absolutely right. Perhaps this is just a phase he's going through after having to watch his spending most of his life.

I can understand your frustration. I also can understand his obsession. I used to play a facebook game. At first it was to pass the time at work as I had large chunks of my shift with nothing to do. As my relationship deteriorated I used it to escape my life. At the time it felt like it was the only thing I was achieving anything at. Maybe I reached a place where BPDs go.

[Cat Familiar]

I can understand your frustration. I also can understand his obsession. I used to play a facebook game. At first it was to pass the time at work as I had large chunks of my shift with nothing to do. As my relationship deteriorated I used it to escape my life. At the time it felt like it was the only thing I was achieving anything at. Maybe I reached a place where BPDs go.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I went through a Sudoku phase when everything in my world was spiraling out of control. Perhaps the collecting stuff is a way he feels a sense of control. For me--just the opposite--I want to get rid of stuff--less to dust. 

[vortex of confusion]

I can understand your frustration. I also can understand his obsession. I used to play a facebook game. At first it was to pass the time at work as I had large chunks of my shift with nothing to do. As my relationship deteriorated I used it to escape my life. At the time it felt like it was the only thing I was achieving anything at. Maybe I reached a place where BPDs go.

I don't think that is just a BPD thing.

One of the things that has irritated me about my husband's various obsessions is the fact that his obsessions made me feel like an afterthought. I never quite understood how he could get into different things and obsess about things when he has a wife and 4 kids that would love nothing more than to spend time with him and connect with him. Maybe not so much any more but that is usually why his obsessions frustrated me. I never understood why he would want to escape from his life. From my perspective, he is spoiled (by me) and has a great life. But, as I can now see from reading here, that great life does not help whatever inner turmoil he has and the reality is probably that he is trying to escape himself rather than me or the kids. It doesn't make it any easier at times.

[anxiety5]

It dawned on me this morning that my wife is fueled by obsessions.  I can see it clearly now.

When we dated, she was obsessed with me.  I wasn't sure how to handle it or what to really think of it, but the bottom line is I liked it.

I never felt so "loved" before in all my life.  That was what I really had an inner need for, to be loved.

Shortly after we married, she became obsessed with becoming a mother and me buying a house.  I wasn't quite ready for that, but I was constantly bombarded with her concerning these things. 

Then, after one kid, she became obsessed with having another.

I was put out of the picture unless there was something she wanted from me.  I eagerly gobbled up the chance to please her in hopes of her expressing the love she once showed me.  I am a slow learner, .

After she got on Facebook, it became another one of her obsessions.  She constantly posted pictures of her and her "friends".  It reminded me of high school kids.  I think she posted two pics of me on it over the years.

She had been fit and active when we met.  Another obsession with her.  Then, after we married she completely let herself go.  I am estimating here, but she doubled her body weight during our marriage.  I was disappointed to say the least.

Now, she is obsessed with losing weight and works out all of the time.  She is doing quite well, but part of me wishes that instead of her obsession now, why couldn't she have cared just a little about how she looked during our 20 years of marriage?  I feel cheated and robbed in a way.

Also, she has never really applied herself professionally.  She has never really had a real job.  She seems to rely on me for money or her dad.  Of course he pulls her strings with the lure of giving her money.  On one occasion, her and her friends spoke openly about marrying for money. 

Has anyone else noticed these obsessions with their BPD partners?

Yes I think this is common, my ex was definitely like this. Obsessed with me in the beginning. Of knowing everything about me, long conversations, constant contact, etc. That all changed and I remember one of the last conversations she had, she told me she doesn't need to talk to people she dates, she doesn't miss them when they aren't there. BPD are like children. Children don't like being thought of as "bad" I used to get so much incredible insight into her by having these subtle conversations where I was careful not to judge in anyway, or show expressions of disgust. As long as I did not act judgmental, I would get incredibly honest and kind of crazy information in that way.

Mine was obsessed with projects. It was always something, replacing the couch, painting all the rooms, re arranging rooms, getting a new car despite only having 3 months left on a lease, obsessions with a specific travel destination, obsessed with grad school. I call them obsessions because they were usually rarely followed through with. It was the spur of the moment stuff that would become relevant one moment and not the next. There were times I would bite, and show her a way to make what she wanted to happen, occur and show her the financial way to do it step by step. All a waste of time. I stopped even paying attention to her latest ideas by the middle of the relationship. This is a window into their frantic chaotic lives. And also a window into their relations. They attach to nothing and constantly seek to reinvent and replace things, including you and I.

[Cat Familiar]

One of the things that has irritated me about my husband's various obsessions is the fact that his obsessions made me feel like an afterthought. I never quite understood how he could get into different things and obsess about things when he has a wife and 4 kids that would love nothing more than to spend time with him and connect with him. Maybe not so much any more but that is usually why his obsessions frustrated me. I never understood why he would want to escape from his life. From my perspective, he is spoiled (by me) and has a great life. But, as I can now see from reading here, that great life does not help whatever inner turmoil he has and the reality is probably that he is trying to escape himself rather than me or the kids. It doesn't make it any easier at times.

Yes I think this is common, my ex was definitely like this. Obsessed with me in the beginning. Of knowing everything about me, long conversations, constant contact, etc. That all changed and I remember one of the last conversations she had, she told me she doesn't need to talk to people she dates, she doesn't miss them when they aren't there. BPD are like children. Children don't like being thought of as "bad" I used to get so much incredible insight into her by having these subtle conversations where I was careful not to judge in anyway, or show expressions of disgust. As long as I did not act judgmental, I would get incredibly honest and kind of crazy information in that way.

Mine was obsessed with projects. It was always something, replacing the couch, painting all the rooms, re arranging rooms, getting a new car despite only having 3 months left on a lease, obsessions with a specific travel destination, obsessed with grad school. I call them obsessions because they were usually rarely followed through with. It was the spur of the moment stuff that would become relevant one moment and not the next. There were times I would bite, and show her a way to make what she wanted to happen, occur and show her the financial way to do it step by step. All a waste of time. I stopped even paying attention to her latest ideas by the middle of the relationship. This is a window into their frantic chaotic lives. And also a window into their relations. They attach to nothing and constantly seek to reinvent and replace things, including you and I.

The common threads I read here are that we "normals" are disappointed that our SOs have shifted their focus away from us and are now obsessed with activities and things and worlds we don't share.

The other thread seems to be that they need more of whatever they're focused on, until their interests shift to something else.

I'm comfortable supporting a hobby, a dream, a plan, but only if there is genuine followthrough. When the interest seems so ephemeral and the yearning drifts from one thing to the next, it seems dysfunctional and I don't know if I should be encouraging that behavior.

[workinprogress]

I don't know about denying yourself being part of co-dependency. For me, I developed a belief in "voluntary simplicity" at an early age. Part of it was a function of being poor as a young adult, but more than that, I was kind of repelled by how materialism seemed to run so many people's lives, in addition to feeling concern for not consuming more than my share of the earth's resources.

Just being an American, I'm consuming way more than most people on the planet, so it's a slippery slope. I guess where I would draw the line is--do you use the objects you covet and enjoy them? Or do they just clutter your reality and once you have them, the thrill is gone and you want something else?

I'm really sorry, Workinprogress, that your parents criticized your interests. Mine were very work-oriented as well and they held that as their highest value. I saw how desperately unhappy that work made my mother and I decided that I would only work at jobs I liked, ultimately becoming self-employed and working harder and for less money than if I would have found employment elsewhere. (It's interesting how we live out our parents' programming.)

Can you start sharing your interests and picking up new hobbies that your family could somehow participate in now? As Tom Robbins said, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." Sort of my motto throughout life--even when I was poor, I found inexpensive or free ways to have fun.

That is good that you found inexpensive ways to have fun.  I will say this, I did read a lot.  Looking back, I think reading is a fairly innocuous and passive hobby.  After all, one is reading about the lives and ideas of others who are actually doing things.

I am working on having a happy childhood.  I say dumb little things sometimes just goofing around.  Before I was really self-conscious and might not have said something due to criticism.

I have been working out for the last few years and I am going to start an Arnold Schwartzenagger (sp) workout program tomorrow.  I don't plan on bulking up really big, but I do want to really sculpt myself.  I never liked being skinny, and my dad made fun of me for it growing up.  Back to the point though, I have been goofing around and randomly saying stuff in Arnold's accent.  My youngest kid about fell out of his chair laughing earlier over something I said like that.

That's what I'm talking about, being a strong confident dad with interests and passions.

I'm through denying myself.

I have also read a lot of science and I'm convinced that mankind is such a small speck on this planet that we will have very little impact on it's resources or the climate.  Just my opinion.

Anyway, I just think that there is a correlation to denying our dreams and needs and being co-dependent.  I am also thinking that it takes more strength to say "no" to others and live your own dreams than it does to try to take care of others. 

[vortex of confusion]

I'm comfortable supporting a hobby, a dream, a plan, but only if there is genuine followthrough. When the interest seems so ephemeral and the yearning drifts from one thing to the next, it seems dysfunctional and I don't know if I should be encouraging that behavior.

I have a slightly different take on the drifting from one thing to another. I don't particularly care if there is follow through as long as it isn't something that directly impacts me. If we have the money for him to buy whatever it is he wants without it interfering in the ability to pay bills and buy groceries, then it isn't a big deal. I can't remember where it is but there is something in one of the lessons about garden gnomes and how much is okay. Everybody is going to have a different answer.

I do sometimes think that the emphasis on sticking to things like hobbies or interests is overrated. Doing the same thing all the time can get boring so I don't even have a problem with the flitting from one thing to another. For me, I only see it as a problem when it interferes with day to day functioning. For example, ignoring kids in favor of a computer game or spending money that we don't have on a toy or choosing to focus on a hobby or interest instead of taking care of adult responsibilities that are part of being a father, homeowner, car owner, etc.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm comfortable supporting a hobby, a dream, a plan, but only if there is genuine followthrough. When the interest seems so ephemeral and the yearning drifts from one thing to the next, it seems dysfunctional and I don't know if I should be encouraging that behavior.

I have a slightly different take on the drifting from one thing to another. I don't particularly care if there is follow through as long as it isn't something that directly impacts me. If we have the money for him to buy whatever it is he wants without it interfering in the ability to pay bills and buy groceries, then it isn't a big deal. I can't remember where it is but there is something in one of the lessons about garden gnomes and how much is okay. Everybody is going to have a different answer.

I do sometimes think that the emphasis on sticking to things like hobbies or interests is overrated. Doing the same thing all the time can get boring so I don't even have a problem with the flitting from one thing to another. For me, I only see it as a problem when it interferes with day to day functioning. For example, ignoring kids in favor of a computer game or spending money that we don't have on a toy or choosing to focus on a hobby or interest instead of taking care of adult responsibilities that are part of being a father, homeowner, car owner, etc.

Well, he can afford all his obsessions and whether or not he uses the stuff he covets, for me to get emotionally involved about it is definitely a sign of my codependency. And it's not harming anyone or our well-being, so I should just ignore it. Love the line about garden gnomes.

I think I'm just jealous of his obsessions, that he's not that interested in me like he was in the beginning. Thanks, everyone for the feedback.

[waverider]

Obsession is all part of the black and white, all important/not important.

It is why my partner was, and many others are, initially diagnosed with OCD, especially when they start self mutilating to get the "badness" out.

Obvious difference is that the obsessions are passing fads, and so hard to treat as it is like playing "bash the mole". It just pops up on a different subject.

The real issue is that you are expected to modify your agenda to match them, otherwise you are invalidating them. Then they switch and you are left stranded.

Over enthusiasm for certain things is also a way of avoiding responsibilities for things across the board.

[anxiety5]

[/quote]

The real issue is that you are expected to modify your agenda to match them, otherwise you are invalidating them. Then they switch and you are left stranded.

I couldn't agree more. I recall two significant "what the heck" moments, those often described on the board(s) as the moment you realize something is off with this person. Both of those initial out of proportion rage/rejection type of incidents had to do with spontaneous, last second modification of plans that I could not accommodate.

I remember pointing out the hypocrisy of her thought process during that time, and she basically acknowledged it and that she didn't care.

[Moselle]

The real issue is that you are expected to modify your agenda to match them, otherwise you are invalidating them. Then they switch and you are left stranded

My W's last one was competing in fitness competitions. Her whole life revolved around eating the food, training 6 to 8 times a week.

Her latest one is photography. All day, every day. Photographing, editting, or facebooking about it.

I've decided to put down boundaries for family time. Ironically she is saying she needs to cut down, but she keeps on going full steam. I guess it's her pain relief.  It beats cutting.

I'll be prepared for the switch this time

[vortex of confusion]

The real issue is that you are expected to modify your agenda to match them, otherwise you are invalidating them. Then they switch and you are left stranded.

That sums it up rather nicely. I have been expected to make room in the budget or find other ways to help him get what he wants. If I don't do those things, then I am subjected to him badgering and nagging and talking about whatever it is. I feel like I have to give in or be tortured. This is one area where I have been working on boundaries. But, it is difficult because putting up boundaries so that you are not listening to the nagging, badgering, etc. leads them to feel invalidated and that starts a domino effect.

Over enthusiasm for certain things is also a way of avoiding responsibilities for things across the board.

I had never really looked at it like that but that makes a whole lot of sense. If my husband can distract me with being enthusiastic about something, then I am not as likely to try to insist on normal. I think that is how I went down the rabbit hole of trying an open marriage. He will go for long periods of time without being enthusiastic about anything. Something will catch his attention and he will get all happy and enthusiastic and will be a little bit easier to live with so I don't say anything. It creates a nice little diversion so he can escape being a responsible adult.

[Cat Familiar]

Obsession is all part of the black and white, all important/not important.

It is why my partner was, and many others are, initially diagnosed with OCD, especially when they start self mutilating to get the "badness" out.

Obvious difference is that the obsessions are passing fads, and so hard to treat as it is like playing "bash the mole". It just pops up on a different subject.

The real issue is that you are expected to modify your agenda to match them, otherwise you are invalidating them. Then they switch and you are left stranded.

Over enthusiasm for certain things is also a way of avoiding responsibilities for things across the board.

Interesting--I really see the OCD part; it was very obvious when he'd get home from work and start downloading hours of Grateful Dead shows. When he started buying camera gear, I figured he'd start using it, but it's rare when he takes pictures and much more frequent when he looks online at camera stuff he wants to buy.

It takes a much better actress than me to be enthusiastic about being shown a website with a photo of a new camera. So I guess I'm constantly invalidating him by not being excited about his "hobby". And when he receives one, they all look alike to me.

And yes, he avoids responsibilities because he is so "busy".

[Cat Familiar]

I say dumb little things sometimes just goofing around.  Before I was really self-conscious and might not have said something due to criticism.

I never liked being skinny, and my dad made fun of me for it growing up.  Back to the point though, I have been goofing around and randomly saying stuff in Arnold's accent.  My youngest kid about fell out of his chair laughing earlier over something I said like that. That's what I'm talking about, being a strong confident dad with interests and passions.

I'm through denying myself.

Anyway, I just think that there is a correlation to denying our dreams and needs and being co-dependent.  I am also thinking that it takes more strength to say "no" to others and live your own dreams than it does to try to take care of others. 

I think we had very similar parents. I was so terribly self-conscious after so much criticism that I could barely talk to anybody in school. Eye contact--forget it!

I went to grad school, planning to be a therapist, but I realized that wasn't a good career choice for me because I couldn't let go of other people's problems--I was haunted by their stories. I always knew there was something wrong with my mother, but when I was in college, the awareness of BPD was very limited. It wasn't until recently that I became aware that my mother and both husbands were pwBPD--they just weren't as extreme as what I had read about before.

I like your connection of denying self and codependency. And yes, it takes strength to be "healthy selfish". Selfish was a word my mother used to control me--I certainly didn't want to be seen as selfish by those I loved.

[Cat Familiar]

I recall two significant "what the heck" moments, those often described on the board(s) as the moment you realize something is off with this person. Both of those initial out of proportion rage/rejection type of incidents had to do with spontaneous, last second modification of plans that I could not accommodate.

I remember pointing out the hypocrisy of her thought process during that time, and she basically acknowledged it and that she didn't care.

"What the heck" moments--I love that! And I've experienced this: "pointing out the hypocrisy of her thought process during that time, and she basically acknowledged it and that she didn't care." It leaves one reeling... .

[Cat Familiar]

If my husband can distract me with being enthusiastic about something, then I am not as likely to try to insist on normal. I think that is how I went down the rabbit hole of trying an open marriage. He will go for long periods of time without being enthusiastic about anything. Something will catch his attention and he will get all happy and enthusiastic and will be a little bit easier to live with so I don't say anything. It creates a nice little diversion so he can escape being a responsible adult.

I tried the open marriage thing with my ex due to his enthusiasm and getting tired of having to resist that. It was a disaster!

Fortunately the stuff my current husband gets involved with is totally benign. I think I just got burned out by years of having to respond to my xBPDh's enthusiasms, which involved potentially dangerous and illegal adventures.

Both of them have been so consumed by these enthusiasms, that normal household responsibilities are ignored and held in contempt.

[anxiety5]

I say dumb little things sometimes just goofing around.  Before I was really self-conscious and might not have said something due to criticism.

I never liked being skinny, and my dad made fun of me for it growing up.  Back to the point though, I have been goofing around and randomly saying stuff in Arnold's accent.  My youngest kid about fell out of his chair laughing earlier over something I said like that. That's what I'm talking about, being a strong confident dad with interests and passions.

I'm through denying myself.

Anyway, I just think that there is a correlation to denying our dreams and needs and being co-dependent.  I am also thinking that it takes more strength to say "no" to others and live your own dreams than it does to try to take care of others. 

I think we had very similar parents. I was so terribly self-conscious after so much criticism that I could barely talk to anybody in school. Eye contact--forget it!

I went to grad school, planning to be a therapist, but I realized that wasn't a good career choice for me because I couldn't let go of other people's problems--I was haunted by their stories. I always knew there was something wrong with my mother, but when I was in college, the awareness of BPD was very limited. It wasn't until recently that I became aware that my mother and both husbands were pwBPD--they just weren't as extreme as what I had read about before.

I like your connection of denying self and codependency. And yes, it takes strength to be "healthy selfish". Selfish was a word my mother used to control me--I certainly didn't want to be seen as selfish by those I loved.

Agreed! I think we all need to become afflicted with DGS syndrome. ":)on't give a S**t" ha ha. Live your life, be true to yourself. Those left by your side will be the people who matter. Those lost, never did.

[Cat Familiar]

Agreed! I think we all need to become afflicted with DGS syndrome. ":)on't give a S**t" ha ha. Live your life, be true to yourself. Those left by your side will be the people who matter. Those lost, never did.

DGS syndrome! I love it!

When I saw my T a couple of days ago, I told her about my husband offering to make dinner and refusing any help from me. So while I did yoga in the living room,  I kept hearing big sighs and moans and groans from the kitchen. In the past, I would have felt so guilty and I would have stopped and tried to help anyway. But I just laughed to myself and remembered all the times I've made dinner when he's just read a book and never volunteered to help.

As we were eating dinner, he said that I must have had such a great day--I got to do fun things and then yoga before dinner. I just smiled and agreed. I refused to take my usual serving of guilt.

[flowerpath]

Thanks to these boards, when he told me about his newest desire, I just smiled and said, "Whatever you want."

Yes. 

There are obsessions that have no impact on me at all, and those are his own little red wagon.  But the ones that do have an impact on me involve house repair/yard work.  He has a history of not prioritizing well (which means $$$ going one direction when something more serious needs to be taken care of first, and not agreeing with his idea - invalidating - results in trouble), starting a project and not finishing it (hence, leaving a huge mess that the rest of us have to take care of when we already had our own projects going on), or not starting the project at all.

I finally realized that most of the time, he doesn't even start on a project.  He just talks about it, does all kinds of research, takes notes on how to do it, and then the notes get mixed in with notes on other projects that were never started.  So instead of getting apprehensive about it now, I found out that it actually works pretty well to say something like, "Mm-hmm... ."  or "Yeah... ."  or just restate his idea in some way.  Since he rarely starts the project he mentions anyway, sometimes I wonder whether just the validation is enough. 

[Moselle]

I finally realized that most of the time, he doesn't even start on a project.  He just talks about it, does all kinds of research, takes notes on how to do it, and then the notes get mixed in with notes on other projects that were never started.  So instead of getting apprehensive about it now, I found out that it actually works pretty well to say something like, "Mm-hmm... ."  or "Yeah... ."  or just restate his idea in some way.  Since he rarely starts the project he mentions anyway, sometimes I wonder whether just the validation is enough. 

LOL. I'm wondering of this is a male thing:-)  Not a BPD thing.  I confess to becoming a real lazya$$, when it came to doing household projects for my BPD/NPD wife. If I look back I was so caught up in the BPD craziness and being invalidated that I really couldn't care less about what she was asking me to do and regularly gave her the 'deaf' ear on purpose.

I realize now that it was very childish of me. I do stuff around the house for me now, not for her. I also do it to validate myself and I feel alot  better for it.

[Cat Familiar]

There are obsessions that have no impact on me at all, and those are his own little red wagon.  But the ones that do have an impact on me involve house repair/yard work.  He has a history of not prioritizing well (which means $$$ going one direction when something more serious needs to be taken care of first, and not agreeing with his idea - invalidating - results in trouble), starting a project and not finishing it (hence, leaving a huge mess that the rest of us have to take care of when we already had our own projects going on), or not starting the project at all.

I finally realized that most of the time, he doesn't even start on a project.  He just talks about it, does all kinds of research, takes notes on how to do it, and then the notes get mixed in with notes on other projects that were never started.  So instead of getting apprehensive about it now, I found out that it actually works pretty well to say something like, "Mm-hmm... ."  or "Yeah... ."  or just restate his idea in some way.  Since he rarely starts the project he mentions anyway, sometimes I wonder whether just the validation is enough. 

It sounds like you married my xBPHh. He was always buying building materials for some project he was going to do and once he had purchased materials, he would leave them out in the weather to deteriorate and he'd go onto his next fantasy.

My current BPDh just buys stuff that clutters up his studio. It really doesn't impact me negatively, other than being reminded of a similar pattern from my previous relationship.

[workinprogress]

These obsessions turn fun things into a big pain in the butt.

We have a family membership at a fitness center now.  I am off for 4 days over the holiday and out of the blue she will want to go to the gym and talk the kids into it, so I need to go because the kids go as guests with us.

Then, I'm all ready to kick back and relax, and my wife finds some sort of Christmas decoration that she wants hung.

Then, I kick back and my BPD parents call wanting something.

Good lord!  I can't get a freaking break!

[waverider]

Obsessing over xmas gifts is tons of fun

I reckon Xmas is responsible for ruining at least a good two months at the end of the year.

[jedimaster]

My uBPDw was obsessed with turning our 2-1/2 acres into a mini-farm, with raised beds, animals, teach classes, etc, etc.  About 6 months in she started doing less and less and demanding more and more work from me.  Finally in July she washed her hands of any work but kept insisting I could make it profitable if I'd just work harder/do more/listen to her, etc, etc.  My T said I was headed for a breakdown if I didn't get some of this off of me.  Over the holiday I have finally laid down the law, gave her a final chance to work together and do her share.  It lasted about 24 hours and she was back to the same old demands and weaseling her way out of any responsibility.  She finally said, "Well if you need any help selling it all on Craigslist I can help," and I said "No, I've got it."  So I'm about to get out of farming as fast as I can go.

I don't care what she obsesses over, as long as (a) we can afford it, and (b) she doesn't dump it on me.  Unfortunately almost everything she wants to do ends up missing one or both of those marks, usually both.

[Cat Familiar]

I just realized another component of my BPDh's obsessions is subscriptions to dozens of magazines. Being sort of OCD and not wanting to waste things, I take it upon myself to find recipients for the scads of magazines he gets every month--at least a foot high of magazines monthly. Previously he would throw them away or put them in the recycle bin--and I would feel bad because of the waste of materials. Now I have a new hobby--magazine distribution.

[waverider]

I don't care what she obsesses over, as long as (a) we can afford it, and (b) she doesn't dump it on me.  Unfortunately almost everything she wants to do ends up missing one or both of those marks, usually both.

Problem is most obsessions do infringe on our lives as they become of paramount importance. That is why obsessions can be  a disorder as it can impair functioning, as opposed to an over enthusiastic "interest".

[Cat Familiar]

Problem is most obsessions do infringe on our lives as they become of paramount importance. That is why obsessions can be  a disorder as it can impair functioning, as opposed to an over enthusiastic "interest".

When we were new as a couple, I started getting jealous of his obsessions because he showed so much enthusiasm for them and waning enthusiasm for me.

I remember after making love one night, he jumped out of bed and went to the kitchen, where he poured himself a big glass of wine and chugged it down while I was still basking in the afterglow.

Or he'd have so many Grateful Dead shows downloading that my computer was non-functional for hours if I attempted to go online.

[Rapt Reader]

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