My GF told me she doesn't want me and she is leaving my life

[Depression = 72% of members]

we were talking on the phone we hadn't talked in three days and then she said that she hates all kinds of love and all relationships when I kept asking why she said in a low voice that she was afraid that everyone will leave her alone and then she told to leave her life and I kept saying no I won't I love you and after a lot of leave and no I won't she started saying that she will leave and I kept saying no and that I won't let her and to trust me when I say I will always be there for her and then she told she don't want my promises and that it is up to her to decide what to do and that she doesn't want me I told her that I don't believe her and that she doesn't mean and she is just afraid and there is nothing to be afraid of then she told me that she doesn't want me and she really means it and in the entire time she was saying that she is leaving my life and she wants to hang up then she told me I am hanging up and she hung up all that while she was crying and she told me not to call her and that she won't answer my calls  

Explanation? how to deal with this ?

[Yuu]

we were talking on the phone we hadn't talked in three days and then she said that she hates all kinds of love and all relationships when I kept asking why she said in a low voice that she was afraid that everyone will leave her alone and then she told to leave her life and I kept saying no I won't I love you and after a lot of leave and no I won't she started saying that she will leave and I kept saying no and that I won't let her and to trust me when I say I will always be there for her and then she told she don't want my promises and that it is up to her to decide what to do and that she doesn't want me I told her that I don't believe her and that she doesn't mean and she is just afraid and there is nothing to be afraid of then she told me that she doesn't want me and she really means it and in the entire time she was saying that she is leaving my life and she wants to hang up then she told me I am hanging up and she hung up all that while she was crying and she told me not to call her and that she won't answer my calls  

Explanation? how to deal with this ?

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[valet]

Hey Yuu, that sounds tough.

If you want to try and reverse the breakup you're going to need to give her a lot of space. It's a hard road, and it might not turn out great in the end, but try to focus on yourself and let her be for now. You can't make her get back together with you.

How's your life besides the relationship? Do you have friends, family, or hobbies that you can confide in or help distract you?

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

I know how painful this conversation must have been. Not to take anything away from it, but many, many of us have been there. I had a boyfriend who told me he would "never, ever break up with me. I was the most wonderful woman ever" and poof, just days later he was gone. It took me years to make sense of what happened. I was in agony for a long time. I remember waking up dry heaving and waking my friends up at 6 am to help me get a grip on myself. It was bad. So... .again, I am truly so sorry for the shock and pain you are experiencing!

What is this about? Well, some folks have trouble with regulating their emotions and having stable relationships. It's hard because we think we can convince them with logic and reassurance we're here for them but they can't always hear it very well, can't take it in. Ya know?

Read and reread here and you will be able to get your mind around this. And keep posting and asking questions - there are a lot of wise and generous people here who care!

She has issues with self-harming you mentioned earlier... .Did this come up in the conversation? I know it is scary, but she does have her friends too... .okay? Would that be typical of her to reach out to them?

[Yuu]

valet ,

yes I have family and friends but I don't want to end it.

pearl,

no she didn't mention it
I don't know if she reach out to her friends

so is it really over? I can't have our relationship back ?

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

That is the painful part. It doesn't feel "over"... .you love her and things could work out, but she has pushed you away. There is literally no way to know if she will do this to you over and over, or if she will never come back to you at all, or what. And, if nothing happens to change her responses and reactions to intimacy and relationships... .well, why would we expect a different outcome?

My "h" has broken up with me quite convincingly over a hundred times. It was genuine and believable that many times... .no matter how many times he did it it still caused me to panic and react. Sometimes he genuinely did want me away, sometimes he was trying to get an emotional reaction out of me to match his level of emotional pain.

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? It will help you understand what love is like for her. Or you can also look here on dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?
topic=111772.0

This is hard because the reality is she is gone for now and may or not be back. That makes life hard because you don't know which reality to live in/prepare for. That's why there are so many sections to this website because there are a lot of places you can be over this - preparing to grieve, grasping to understand, hoping for a reconciliation.

Has she broken it off before? Did the relationship get recycled before?

I am so sorry you are hurting!

~pearl.

p.s. I hope other members will chime in and share their perspectives! I'm just one voice.

[ConcernedMan92]

I'm sorry for what youre going through, I think almost everyone here knows that feeling, My ex-fiance said the same things to me. I reached out countless times after she asked for a break cause I knew thats what she wanted or atleast I thought thats what she wanted from my past experiences. She even told me when we started our relationship not to leave her when she pushes me away. But this time she kept on getting more distant, I thought she just needed to cool down but it didn't turn out like that.

Do give her some time to think, but if she doesn't call you in a week or two, I think you should reach back out to her. There's really no saying what she wants, but if you don't do what you want to do you'll regret it later. Meantime please take care of yourself, always remember that you are the stronger one here, and you need to concentrate on your life. You need to keep yourself busy, talk to your friends and family, start going to the gym, take up new hobbies or do anything that'll improve your life. We are all here for you, stay strong brother.   

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

I know relationship breakdowns can be pretty traumatic, especially in the first few days and weeks... .Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? What thoughts are going through your head? How are you feeling?

take care, pearl.

[once removed]

hi Yuu,

think of it this way:

lets say that you, with every fiber of your being, believe that you are bad looking. lets say i come along, and i start telling you how good looking you are. you tell me you know that isnt true, you tell me again that you know youre bad looking, and i keep telling you it is true.

im not going to succeed in changing your belief about yourself in that situation. since you believe so strongly, youre not going to think im sincere, either. so youd start to pull away.

it seems counterintuitive, i know. your partner was telling you she feared you and everyone else would abandon her, and it made sense to you to assure her that you wouldnt.

but this is a deeply ingrained belief system that is central to BPD. in those moments, its very important to stand strong, not to do too much convincing, and primarily to let her be heard... .let her get it out of her system, without getting caught up in it too much yourself.

whats going on today? any update?

[Yuu]

thank you all for your support ,

she texted me saying that she really loves me but she just feels uncomfortable and insecure .

I think I will let her walk away and do as she pleases.if you think I should do anything else tell me .

[Yuu]

pearl ,

I think the codependency profile fits me .so what should I do now about it?

so should I let her leave and adapt my self that she isn't coming back ? or should I let her leave and check with her in a week or so ? but I don't think I have the power and the energy to keep adapting to her leaving forever then change it to her coming back and that the relationship is back .what should I do ?this is so confusing ... .

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

If you are interested this might help you to sort out did she ever love me question: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

hope you are okay today! 

[once removed]

she texted me saying that she really loves me but she just feels uncomfortable and insecure .

did she elaborate on what she feels uncomfortable and insecure about?

[Yuu]

once removed ,

no she didn't .she had said before that she couldn't explain why she feels that way.

[Yuu]

pearl,

I read it but I didn't understand much. I don't think she sees me as an object

could you please help me with this
"so should I let her leave and adapt my self that she isn't coming back ? or should I let her leave and check with her in a week or so ? but I don't think I have the power and the energy to keep adapting to her leaving forever then change it to her coming back and that the relationship is back .what should I do ?this is so confusing ... ."

[once removed]

hi Yuu,

"so should I let her leave and adapt my self that she isn't coming back ? or should I let her leave and check with her in a week or so ? but I don't think I have the power and the energy to keep adapting to her leaving forever then change it to her coming back and that the relationship is back .what should I do ?this is so confusing ... ."

things depend on whether or not you want her back. this is the Bettering or Reversing board, so im going to assume that you do.

but whether you do or not, the best thing you can do right now is to give her space, and not chase her. i know that doesnt sound like much. you may feel like trying to prove your love and reassure her right now. typically, that will push her away further, and it wont feel good for you either.

i think a week is a reasonable amount of time to wait, if you havent heard from her, and if you want to follow up, but when and if you follow up, it should be light, upbeat, friendly, try to steer clear of relationship talk or anything heavy.

in the mean time, i strongly encourage you to get digging into the tools and lessons directly to the right of the board. immerse yourself in them. ask us questions about them. a week isnt a long time, and its possible you may hear from her sooner than that, so you want to be prepared.

has she left before? if so, how long was it until you typically heard from her?

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

Was this what you were referring to?

"Love, for an adult, unrecovered BP, is still about getting those driving, unfulfilled needs met. It’s about finding THE person to love us unconditionally who will never leave us and who will make our lives bearable, who will give us a reason to live and give us back ourselves. Ultimately, that’s why it can’t be love, because romantic love is between two people who can experience emotional intimacy and who see each other as partners and as ends in themselves. The unrecovered person with BPD is not capable of that kind of selflessness and sharing: the partner remains an object to a BP, whether the BP is conscious of it or not: the partner is the “cure” for our loneliness, a source to feed our neediness, not a person in and of themselves."

Well, the idea here is that "love" for someone with BPD is a bit different than "love" could be for someone who is a non-BPD partner in a relationship. I know it seems hard to wrap your mind around, but according to this author a person with BPD has serious issues with emotional intimacy. That's why she is saying such things to you to push you away - and like onceremoved explained the ingrained beliefs she has about love make it hard for her to love you in a way that you might want or hope for. It is painful for both of you though!

It basically means she sees you either a cause of or solution to her pain... .that explains this push/pull dynamic. (Neither of these things is really accurate.)

To be honest, you should read here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0 and know that these kinds of relationships take a lot of strength and stamina and can be quite challenging to say the least. I am not telling you to give up or keep trying, we don't do that here, but it is good to understand the complexities of these issues. It takes time. You won't get it all in a day or two!

Keep asking questions! It helps all of us to learn!

sincerely, pearl.

[Yuu]

once removed,

thank you I am going to leave her be .but if she doesn't contact me in a week should I move on and continue with my life that she is never coming back?or what should I do ?

we broke up a couple of times before I knew she had BPD and it took about 2 weeks for some contact to happen but this time it feels so real .we never broke up because she was feeling uncomfortable or insecure and she never initiated breaking up

pearl,

I am so lost on this .it is so hard to grasp.I need to know if she is in my life or not so I can begin to adapt and move on .(TBH I want her and I don't want to move on)

[once removed]

if she doesnt contact you in a week you pretty much have two options:

1. contact her
2. keep waiting

if you keep it light, friendly, upbeat, and avoid the heavy stuff, i dont think you can go wrong in contacting her... .worst case scenario, you know where you stand.

but whatever you do, dont just "wait". live your life. get back to the confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place. and brush up on the lessons and the tools, because if she does come back, the problems will still be there waiting for both of you.

[Yuu]

pearl,

I have read this https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0
but I don't know really where to start and what to do .and it really hurts hearing the one you love the most telling you that he doesn't want you and he doesn't feel comfortable being with you.

once removed,

I am going to wait for two weeks. if she doesn't contact me I will contact her and ask if she feels comfortable an secure now .and take a hint whether she wants the relationship back or not .sounds right ?and what if she contacts me just saying hi or such ,how should I respond?

I honestly don't think I can live my life.I am not motivated to do anything.
as for the lessons my English isn't that good so I don't really understand what to do .

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

No problem. We can write in a clear way for you. What is your English level by the European Framework if you know it may I ask?

I know it hurts Yuu. Do not take it all personally okay? Some of the things you hear are an illness talking. The human brain is a wonderful and mysterious thing.

Let's focus on you! You say you are not motivated. You are feeling low. That is a hard place to be. Do you have friends you can spend time with doing things you enjoy? It is good to be among people to help you see the better sides of life - they do exist! 

[Yuu]

pearl ,

I don't really know my English level but I understand all the words but not all expressions it is not that I don't understand what it means but all I understood was that I need to be strong , take care of myself , read more about BPD and not take insults or such thing personally .which doesn't really help. plus I want to fix the codependency thing in me , i don't know how though.

I have friends but everything is tasteless and I don't want any contact with anyone.

I feel shocked of what she said and numb   

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

The part about her "hating all kinds of love and relationships"? I understand that that must hurt a lot to hear from someone you love. She pushes away your love. She is in a lot of emotional pain and it is not something you can fix. You can learn about ways to speak to her that could make her feel more heard - that you understand her feelings. There is a lot to learn!

No worries about English. I will be careful with expressions.

It's okay to take some time alone but not too much, okay? This is a time to call on friends - that's what they are for and we are here too!

Can you tell us more about you feeling co-dependent?

warmly, pearl. 

[Yuu]

pearl,

yes ,please teach me these ways to help her feel comfortable.

I don't know what should I do about it but it describes me perfectly and how I feel .I mean isn't it a good thing to love someone so much an care so much? but I should work on being obsessive and missing them so much and feeling so empty without them.

but I don't know how or what to do

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

Sorry to give ya more reading, but that is part of the process of makings sense of these things. There is an important tool called validation that can help. You must also learn not to invalidate her. You can learn about it here and ask all the questions you need! https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Basically you learn to hear her emotions and respond to the emotions. I had to learn this myself. I would sometimes dismiss my husband's feelings because they made no sense to me.

Well, it is good to love someone, but it can also be unhealthy. We can get to caught up and think we are responsible for their feelings. Love does not conquer all unfortunately. We like to think our love has to power to make things all better. It's not really like that sometimes. It's harder than that.

Right after a breakup it is not totally unreasonable to ask a lot of questions, be sad and try to make sense of things - we are bargaining. But in time we accept things and we find a way to move on. It is just how life is. Nothing to fear. We keep learning all the time. 

Can you promise me you will spend time with some friends this week?

[Yuu]

pearl ,

so I tell her that she is right and have a point and I shouldn't disagree with her ? I didn't really understand validation and invalidation ... ccan you explain it in a simple way ?

I will meet them in my lessons anyway. I really have no energy to attend them. (I miss her and it feels so cold and lonely ,, it is like nobody can kill that loneliness except her)

[Radcliff]

Hello Yuu,

In addition to the link to the workshop pearlsw gave you above, you might want to check out this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.  It may help with a clear explanation, and also includes a video on the topic by a well-known BPD expert.

WW

[pest]

hi all wha do you think of my post and the contradictory notes am i fired or not? I have not heard from her in a week

Hi calmant,

I had very similar conversations before, you cannot know how it will end. They are very convincing and confident when they say this, and I beleive they feel it actually.

I dont know actually, maybe you should give a space to her.

[Yuu]

Hey Wentworth,

I read it but it is to hard for me to grasp as I haven't really understood the Concept of validation.
Thank You

[Radcliff]

Hi Yuu,

OK, let me try with an example.  Let's say I'm your friend, and you've taken an exam in a very important class to you, and done poorly.  You are very upset, and you tell a friend about it.  Let's pretend your friend has a different view, and thinks you are worrying when it is not necessary.  He wants to help you worry less, but maybe he's also a little annoyed you are so worried, because he wants both of you to spend your energy having fun.

So your friend says,

"Yuu, you worry too much!  It will be OK!  Your grade wasn't that bad anyway, and there are more tests later in the school term that can help get your grade up.  Stop worrying, and let's party!"

The problem is that you are worried.  You have those feelings, but your friend said they were invalid.  Perhaps you are nervous taking tests, or are struggling with the material, so the idea of more tests is even more scary.  You probably feel even worse.  Your friend told you that your feelings should be different.  Since feelings can't change right away, that feels really bad.    On top of that, the invitation to party makes you feel like you need to abandon your concerns to be accepted.  You might feel bad about yourself for having feelings that aren't accepted.  You might get angry at yourself or your friend.

Let's say that instead your friend said something like:

"Wow, Yuu, that's rough to have a hard time on that exam, I'm so sorry to hear it!  I know you take your studies very seriously, so it must be hard not to worry about something like that!  You are a great student.  I'm confident you can do well in that class.  How can I help?"

Can you see how that might feel much better if you are upset?  Your friend may still really want to go party, but he's slowed down enough to put his frustrations with your emotions aside for a moment, to validate your emotions (acknowledge how real they are to you), and give you support.  You feel better, and you may even feel like going to the party.

Let's look at another example.  Your girlfriend is having a bad hair day.  Literally.  She is upset about her hair, and the world is going to end because of it.  She is more upset than you can possible understand someone being over hair.  Her hair actually looks pretty good to you today.  Maybe if she spent five minutes brushing it, it'd be even better, but you have no idea why she is so upset.  Let me start out with the ways you could make mistakes... .

* Don't tell her that her hair looks fine -- that's telling her that her feelings are invalid
* Don't tell her to just brush her hair -- that's telling her that her feelings are invalid.  To her, the world is ending, and you are telling her that this is a small problem that can be solved with five minutes of brushing. How could you be so uncaring, she thinks.
* The easiest mistake would be a direct invalidation -- "Why are you worrying over hair?  It's not a big deal."
* A more subtle, and tempting mistake to make, would be to agree with her -- "That's terrible!  Let's call the hairdresser!  I will help you!  Hand me the rollers!  I'll cancel my dentist appointment to help you!"  This is known as VALIDATING THE INVALID.  You are agreeing to a warped view of the world.  This can lead to big problems.

That's a long list of ways to mess up!  What's a guy to do?

Validate her feelings, without validating her warped perception of reality.

"Honey, I'm so sorry about your hair!  You seem really upset.  I know you work so hard to keep your hair looking beautiful, and you'll be seeing friends later.  What lousy timing to not feel good about your hair now!"

If you say that, I'm not promising that she will bat her eyelashes at you, smile, hold your hand, and go skipping off into a field of flowers with you like in the movies.  But she is likely to feel supported by you, may calm down a bit, and at the very least, you won't have given her reasons to get even more upsest.

Do these examples help clarify things a bit?

WW

[Radcliff]

Yuu, I think from reading one of your earlier posts that English may not be your first language.  I am very bad with languages, and I would have so much difficulty using this site if it were in French, the language I studied in school.  In fact, I would be almost unable to use this site in French.  I don't think I did a good job adjusting my writing for a non-native English speaker, so if there is anything unclear at all about what I said, please ask.  I am happy to use better words to be more clear.  And I am happy we don't have to do this in French!

WW