An example of post-breakup contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Personally,   when I realized she was done done,   yes,  I fell into a miserable state of loneliness and depression.   I would not wish it on my worst enemy... . The reverse psychology it plays on you creates some 'begging' for a moment,  but within a few days I came to my senses how empowering that was to her and how it only encouraged more lack of respect, not appreciation.   I went into basically the shadows for the next few months, almost trying to freeze her existence.    Needless to say,  she started dating someone a few weeks later as if I never existed .Yes, all textbook,  all sickening to the stomach.    I lasted 14 months, limping and negotiating, and pleading time to time... .   this rebound lasted about 3 weeks... . the resultes of their impulsivity and ifor someone to fill their needs and help them not look back at the damage... . which truly... . in her mind,  I caused... .    And in 6 months, I'm sure there have been some one-nighters, and a few other short lived hookups... . she's desperatly trying to fill the void and find supply ,... . They will contact you for momentary validation,  but she would die before she ever went backwards for physical contact with me... . I'm needed for something platonic at this point, the friend zone,  the toy zone.   I've been emotionally erased,  she would feel shame to give into ME after the successful smear campaign,  she wants NEW NEW NEW.   And she gets it,  like shooting apples in a barrel

3 random contacts have occurred in 6 months since Jan 2013... . and we all know what prompts this, although we can't prove it... . usually for them to validate themselves when other ___ falls back on them or they are trying to buffer their negative feelings from some other 'relationship' that we are not privy to the details, or they may tip us off.  Don't fall for these false moments of sincerity.   You are dealing with a person that will discard you like a used napkin.     Either way, the contact is 200% them USING us very very momentarily.    They WILL RIP THE SCABS off in the most benign way,   they don't have to get ugly or evil when they make contact, but you will be re-inforced as to how meaningless you really are to them when the contact has played out.    Your mind will want to read something that IS NOT into it... .    Now, mine did not contact me and EVER say I miss you,  I want to see you... . not that even.   Just incidental contact up front... .   'whatcha doing... . just checkin' on you'... .   something that trivial.    If you bite,  she's got you.   And I wanted her BAD.  I had to play it cool as humanly possible,  I had no idea how clueless I was. 

I got a text message in march checking on me... . I sat on it for 5 hours,  then desperately tried to confirm if she missed me and wanting to see each other again... . Her reply was that she probably should not have called (we ended up on a phone chat the next morning),  that she was ONLY checking on me... .   that afternoon, thinking I'm the bigger man who didn't want to miss the opportunity of leaving one last sign that I cared,  left a plant on her side doorstep, no mushy note, nothing else... .   she later texted to ask if  "I" left it,  and I said it was indeed me (this time)... .   she managed a half hearted thank you.   I did not respond.    So even though the door was open, she never threw another crumb out ... . UNTIL 3 more months later... . NOTHING, not a crumb... .   it left me humiliated.

3 months later,  memorial week this year... . she made multiple contacts by text during the entire week,  even sending pictures of herself,   and I actually was in such a decent state of mind that week, that I felt I played off the contact PERFECTLY,  witty, and just the right feedback to take advantage of whatever fondness I thought she was starting to reminisce... . the comfort zone was BACK !    Or was it... . I was still being held at a distance, the cat trying to grab the string... . I caught myself manipulatively thinking I could get her to come over, and physically encounter her in 'my space' and take control, no more elusive texting... . she managed to hold me at bay and eventually I got a sat nite text saying how drunk she was after a wedding... . I was out of town,  and she was out 'on the town'... . need I say more... .   the sad thing was,  her last text was sending me a photo of her in a wedding party,  and my actual last remark was ' very nice,  you look fantastic !" ... . guess what,  never got a single reply after that night, NOTHING,  dropped like a rock for ten days... .    I boiled over with humiliation like you have no idea as each day of silence passed.   I had played it PERFECTLY.   It was NOTHING  for her to do this abrupt departure from contact she started and teased me into.

  Ten days later,   on a Tuesday, incidental contact... . I fell for it again,  I tried to stand my ground, not be wimpy,  but use more wit and charm,  keeping replies short and sweet ... . her birthday came up within 2 more days,   she was planning to be out on the town, again (bad news)... .   I wished her happy birthday with a nice text, she thanked me on that friday birthday morning,  and guess what... . that was another 7 days ago... .   No contact since as I write this,  bewildered but also knowing the realistic scenario,  I need no explanation... . She met someone, I was filler.  End of story.

that is the BPD poison, and it can only work if its combined with someone who has their own weaknesses,  denials,  and is hopelessly addicted to what 'once was',  something we people may not think we will ever experienc again... . periods of attention and sexual euphoria.   It is more MY problem,  and I have to get this through my head.    Shes using people like me to fill gaps while going for other men.  Emasculating to say the least in all its glory.   And once she engages them on her drunk night outs,  she has to buffer that by ending all contact abruptly... .   honestly,   she may not be heard from again for MONTHS,  its cowardly, its BPD... . she might be in a relationship that started that very birthday weekend for all I know.     I know this,   no matter how weak I was and how sorry she is,   I will not contact her for an explanation and set myself up for more humiliation.   As one article says,   at this point in the aftermath,  there is no loyalties,  all gloves are off,  and if you corner them with sentimental talk or persistent need for explanation of their behaviors,  you will experience the true hatred they have for you on THE SPOT.   I could not handle that... .    so, yes   BPD is winning ... . for now.   You cannot beat them at their game... .    Trust me people,  I tried... . even laying low for 6 months, internally I was playing the only game I knew how.   But the 6 month wait,  only allowed her to wash away any ounce of mystique I had created for myself.         I'm actually feeling anger for the first time... .    I fell for the same thing twice in 3 weeks.   Is the acceptance finally there,  and the HOPE clearly gone... . That's the insidious nature of this enmeshment,   you would think so ... .   but time will tell.    sorry to ramble,  no sympathies really being sought.   Just a rambling WARNING... . for the weak and unsure.

[Spartan999]

Personally,   when I realized she was done done,   yes,  I fell into a miserable state of loneliness and depression.   I would not wish it on my worst enemy... . The reverse psychology it plays on you creates some 'begging' for a moment,  but within a few days I came to my senses how empowering that was to her and how it only encouraged more lack of respect, not appreciation.   I went into basically the shadows for the next few months, almost trying to freeze her existence.    Needless to say,  she started dating someone a few weeks later as if I never existed .Yes, all textbook,  all sickening to the stomach.    I lasted 14 months, limping and negotiating, and pleading time to time... .   this rebound lasted about 3 weeks... . the resultes of their impulsivity and ifor someone to fill their needs and help them not look back at the damage... . which truly... . in her mind,  I caused... .    And in 6 months, I'm sure there have been some one-nighters, and a few other short lived hookups... . she's desperatly trying to fill the void and find supply ,... . They will contact you for momentary validation,  but she would die before she ever went backwards for physical contact with me... . I'm needed for something platonic at this point, the friend zone,  the toy zone.   I've been emotionally erased,  she would feel shame to give into ME after the successful smear campaign,  she wants NEW NEW NEW.   And she gets it,  like shooting apples in a barrel

3 random contacts have occurred in 6 months since Jan 2013... . and we all know what prompts this, although we can't prove it... . usually for them to validate themselves when other ___ falls back on them or they are trying to buffer their negative feelings from some other 'relationship' that we are not privy to the details, or they may tip us off.  Don't fall for these false moments of sincerity.   You are dealing with a person that will discard you like a used napkin.     Either way, the contact is 200% them USING us very very momentarily.    They WILL RIP THE SCABS off in the most benign way,   they don't have to get ugly or evil when they make contact, but you will be re-inforced as to how meaningless you really are to them when the contact has played out.    Your mind will want to read something that IS NOT into it... .    Now, mine did not contact me and EVER say I miss you,  I want to see you... . not that even.   Just incidental contact up front... .   'whatcha doing... . just checkin' on you'... .   something that trivial.    If you bite,  she's got you.   And I wanted her BAD.  I had to play it cool as humanly possible,  I had no idea how clueless I was. 

I got a text message in march checking on me... . I sat on it for 5 hours,  then desperately tried to confirm if she missed me and wanting to see each other again... . Her reply was that she probably should not have called (we ended up on a phone chat the next morning),  that she was ONLY checking on me... .   that afternoon, thinking I'm the bigger man who didn't want to miss the opportunity of leaving one last sign that I cared,  left a plant on her side doorstep, no mushy note, nothing else... .   she later texted to ask if  "I" left it,  and I said it was indeed me (this time)... .   she managed a half hearted thank you.   I did not respond.    So even though the door was open, she never threw another crumb out ... . UNTIL 3 more months later... . NOTHING, not a crumb... .   it left me humiliated.

3 months later,  memorial week this year... . she made multiple contacts by text during the entire week,  even sending pictures of herself,   and I actually was in such a decent state of mind that week, that I felt I played off the contact PERFECTLY,  witty, and just the right feedback to take advantage of whatever fondness I thought she was starting to reminisce... . the comfort zone was BACK !    Or was it... . I was still being held at a distance, the cat trying to grab the string... . I caught myself manipulatively thinking I could get her to come over, and physically encounter her in 'my space' and take control, no more elusive texting... . she managed to hold me at bay and eventually I got a sat nite text saying how drunk she was after a wedding... . I was out of town,  and she was out 'on the town'... . need I say more... .   the sad thing was,  her last text was sending me a photo of her in a wedding party,  and my actual last remark was ' very nice,  you look fantastic !" ... . guess what,  never got a single reply after that night, NOTHING,  dropped like a rock for ten days... .    I boiled over with humiliation like you have no idea as each day of silence passed.   I had played it PERFECTLY.   It was NOTHING  for her to do this abrupt departure from contact she started and teased me into.

  Ten days later,   on a Tuesday, incidental contact... . I fell for it again,  I tried to stand my ground, not be wimpy,  but use more wit and charm,  keeping replies short and sweet ... . her birthday came up within 2 more days,   she was planning to be out on the town, again (bad news)... .   I wished her happy birthday with a nice text, she thanked me on that friday birthday morning,  and guess what... . that was another 7 days ago... .   No contact since as I write this,  bewildered but also knowing the realistic scenario,  I need no explanation... . She met someone, I was filler.  End of story.

that is the BPD poison, and it can only work if its combined with someone who has their own weaknesses,  denials,  and is hopelessly addicted to what 'once was',  something we people may not think we will ever experienc again... . periods of attention and sexual euphoria.   It is more MY problem,  and I have to get this through my head.    Shes using people like me to fill gaps while going for other men.  Emasculating to say the least in all its glory.   And once she engages them on her drunk night outs,  she has to buffer that by ending all contact abruptly... .   honestly,   she may not be heard from again for MONTHS,  its cowardly, its BPD... . she might be in a relationship that started that very birthday weekend for all I know.     I know this,   no matter how weak I was and how sorry she is,   I will not contact her for an explanation and set myself up for more humiliation.   As one article says,   at this point in the aftermath,  there is no loyalties,  all gloves are off,  and if you corner them with sentimental talk or persistent need for explanation of their behaviors,  you will experience the true hatred they have for you on THE SPOT.   I could not handle that... .    so, yes   BPD is winning ... . for now.   You cannot beat them at their game... .    Trust me people,  I tried... . even laying low for 6 months, internally I was playing the only game I knew how.   But the 6 month wait,  only allowed her to wash away any ounce of mystique I had created for myself.         I'm actually feeling anger for the first time... .    I fell for the same thing twice in 3 weeks.   Is the acceptance finally there,  and the HOPE clearly gone... . That's the insidious nature of this enmeshment,   you would think so ... .   but time will tell.    sorry to ramble,  no sympathies really being sought.   Just a rambling WARNING... . for the weak and unsure.

[leftbehind]

Now, mine did not contact me and EVER say I miss you,  I want to see you... . not that even.   Just incidental contact up front... .   'whatcha doing... . just checkin' on you'... .   something that trivial.   

Mine too.  I'm sorry you're hurting.  NC is the thing that has allowed me to keep my dignity and my peace of mind (of sorts.)

Sometimes I would have to call one of my friends and spend two hours on the phone with them in order to avoid calling him or driving up to where I knew he would be.  But thank God I did, or else I would be a bigger mess.  They don't really want you back, as you said.  They just want your momentary attention.

Don't give it to her.

[bewildered2]

i recommend going no contact.

you need to stop torturing yourself. you are expecting sane behavior from someone who is insane.

take the pain, suffer now so that you will get free of the poison which is addiction to her.

she isnt happy, and never will be. and for that reason, keeping company with her, or any limited basis, will guarantee unhappiness for you too.

get away, and stay away. completely.

time to break this damaging addiction.

b2

[Ahhhh431]

I feel that trying to figure out the best way to respond to her texts and calls is way too much work. It shouldn't be that hard that we have to play games to have the upper hand. I believe in a healthy relationship you should be able to respond to a text whenever you feel like it with whatever you naturally respond with without worrying how she is going to take it and whether or not what she said is bait. It will be so much more enjoyable to just be with someone who genuinely enjoys talking to you because of how awesome of a person you are, not because you are giving them something they NEED (your attention).

[Spartan999]

Dead on. Thank you for the acknowledgement ! This is pure addiction.   Who would've thought the most devaluing exclamation point of all would be after laying low for 6 months.   AND complimenting her... .    I will say this people.   Borderline is REAL.   It has a hook that will mess you up if you don't strive daily for clarity.   I read the repetitious advice daily.   Thank you !   I never shared the beg to end life cycle.   But it was textbook.    This one was not the weak type.  She was the enabled empowered version.   The devaluation is the most surreal futile reality.   Leggo me ego !

[fromheeltoheal]

is hopelessly addicted to what 'once was'

No you're not; it's only hopeless if you don't take control of it.

You don't win, she doesn't win, only the disorder wins.  Always.  The difference between you and her is you can remove yourself from it, she can't.  She will always lose.

Try and get your head around the fact that you, and all of us, are/were deeply emotionally enmeshed with someone with a serious mental disorder.  Think about that.  Get scared by that.

You know what you need to do.  :)o it.