An interesting depiction of uBPD that really matches my own experience

[Depression = 72% of members]

On the contrary Cromwell, I feel peace right now, when I think about her I feel nothing at all, I've realized that once again I put her on a pedestal and that "feeling inferior" was disturbing me a lot. I see clear now, I am not inferior to her, on the contrary. As a man I am in my prime, her? At 40, mental issues, a ton of baggage and no money, who on earth would want that?
Her charms have no power anymore over me, she can f herself, I am free.

It's interesting that Raul and me had not only the same type of BPD but we also followed the same paths in our relationships, the  dynamics were the same as our behaviours. It's kind of a relief to see you're not the only one who fell into the trap. I think we grew a lot with that experience and that we gained a lot of knowledge not only about BPD but also about relationships in general but most of all about ourselves. I don't know about you Roul but I am sure I will never be fooled again, I now have unbreakable boundaries, a woman trespasses them, she's out without warning, no questions asked. Ypu PLEASE READ-test me? You're out. You create drama? You're out. You're not happy? You're out. I always put myself first now, this is not negotiable and if the price is to stay single, I'm ok with that.
Ironically, we can thank our BPDs to have made us stronger and better persons.

[daze507]

On the contrary Cromwell, I feel peace right now, when I think about her I feel nothing at all, I've realized that once again I put her on a pedestal and that "feeling inferior" was disturbing me a lot. I see clear now, I am not inferior to her, on the contrary. As a man I am in my prime, her? At 40, mental issues, a ton of baggage and no money, who on earth would want that?
Her charms have no power anymore over me, she can f herself, I am free.

It's interesting that Raul and me had not only the same type of BPD but we also followed the same paths in our relationships, the  dynamics were the same as our behaviours. It's kind of a relief to see you're not the only one who fell into the trap. I think we grew a lot with that experience and that we gained a lot of knowledge not only about BPD but also about relationships in general but most of all about ourselves. I don't know about you Roul but I am sure I will never be fooled again, I now have unbreakable boundaries, a woman trespasses them, she's out without warning, no questions asked. Ypu PLEASE READ-test me? You're out. You create drama? You're out. You're not happy? You're out. I always put myself first now, this is not negotiable and if the price is to stay single, I'm ok with that.
Ironically, we can thank our BPDs to have made us stronger and better persons.

[once removed]

“Look daze, you’re too pathetic here, this is what happened, now get over it!”.
...
So, to get back to the subject. I went from being convinced I screwed up the relationship with my behaviour and mistakes, despite the fact I realized, even back then that something was very off.
...
Then I learnt BPD, the truth, and everything fell into place like a puzzle, every word she said, every inexplicable behaviour, every senseless drama, the constant request of love proofs, the constant jealousy, the attempts to make me jealous, every loss of memory or creation of unreal memories, the discard like a company who dismiss a redundant employee… Everything made sense.
...

At this point, I realized that it was completely not my fault BUT at an expensive price:
- She never loved me (in the adult sense of love), I was just a temporary supply.
- She does not remember anything about me or about the relationship. It’s all been erased permanently.
...
In the case of Yoke

first things first.

this is your thread. not yokes. lets focus on you and what youre experiencing.

healing is not a one size fit all approach, and im not sure "youre pathetic, this is what happened, now get over it" helps much of anyone. there is no sign in this thread that it has helped you.

having said that, i certainly empathize. its not a dissimilar trajectory i took in my own recovery. when i first stumbled onto BPD, it was both a godsend that explained my pain and experience, and rather humbling, to put it lightly.

the way i see it, there may be two or three things complicating your healing path, and creating unnecessary suffering. 

the first is this notion that you were some form of expendable supply, and that her memories are erased; a lot of what youre reading may be enforcing this. theres nothing about borderline personality disorder that suggests this is true. its frankly a black and white way of looking at something that is probably more complicated.

it is almost certainly true that your ex loved one loved you in an immature way (not an adult sense). thats humbling, for sure. its also likely true that your ex loved one loved you in a selfish and self serving way. humbling too.

likewise, its almost certainly true that you loved her on about the same level, if not in the same way. if that doesnt seem right, think about it. reflect, dont react.

all of us have an idea of what love is and isnt, and throughout our lives, throughout our relationships, it either evolves or devolves, narrows or grows, and we either respond to life and its challenges by shutting it off, or amending our definition. and we all, frankly, get it wrong, until that very last relationship.

the second point is that you are attaching your recovery to the idea that even if you made mistakes, it was all doomed in the first place, and there was nothing you could have done.

i remember thinking exactly the same thing. i remember how comforting the feeling was. friends and family, trusted loved ones suggested at the time that my ex had valid reasons to break up with me, that there were things that i did that contributed to the breakup of my relationship, but it was much more comforting when i learned about BPD and how difficult these relationships can be.

the problem daze, is that youre attached to that notion, yet youre not healed, youre stalled in stage one of recovery, and youre clinging ever harder to anything that will reinforce the notion. and its keeping you in this limbo.

bear with me here. what if you could acknowledge that mistakes were made, that it doesnt mean that any of them single handedly ruined the relationship, but contributed to its breakdown, and likewise, that bpd made for an exceptionally difficult partner, that your ex loved one contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, but that the breakdown itself wasnt about BPD specifically?

what if the two of you loved each other very much, but just couldnt make it work, and you can learn from that and go on to greater things?

it might hurt to think about. detachment necessarily involves some pain. but think about it. wouldnt it be a better, more accurate narrative? if you were just some sucker that gone run over by a mentally ill person, whats to stop it from happening again?

[daze507]

I am sorry Once Removed but I must disagree about pretty much everything you have suggested.
I saw you even on other threads making a point of treating our relationships as they were normal ones, for me it’s wrong, plain and simple. In my life I had something like between 20 and 30 relationships, I can tell you this specific one is very different from all the other ones, on every aspect.
I mean, if I am on this forum it’s because there is a particularity, something different, if now I would go to, I don't know, the breakup reddit not on bpdfamily.

the first is this notion that you were some form of expendable supply, and that her memories are erased; a lot of what youre reading may be enforcing this. theres nothing about borderline personality disorder that suggests this is true. its frankly a black and white way of looking at something that is probably more complicated.

It is what it is otherwise she couldn't have dumped me the way she did, the way a corporation gets rid of a redundant employee like I said above. She wouldn't have taken back all her gifts and given back mine as if our relationship had just been no more than a failed business transaction.
She would have not immediately jumped back on several dating sites (maybe she was even already back on them during devaluation) like nothing happened between us at all.
She would have answered a little "thank you" when I congratulated her, was that too much to ask?
Of course it is not more complicated, every single thing points to the fact that it's absolutely not more complicated.
For god sake, I have never had any girlfriend asking for her gifts back even after a bad breakup, who are we kidding here?

likewise, its almost certainly true that you loved her on about the same level, if not in the same way. if that doesnt seem right, think about it. reflect, dont react.

Yeah no, I loved her appearance, her intelligence, her personality, her skills, her humour, her femininity and if it were not the case I would have called it as soon as she started to change and treat me badly. I did not love her as someone who would potentialy save me from my mental misery.

the second point is that you are attaching your recovery to the idea that even if you made mistakes, it was all doomed in the first place, and there was nothing you could have done.
bear with me here. what if you could acknowledge that mistakes were made, that it doesnt mean that any of them single handedly ruined the relationship, but contributed to its breakdown, and likewise, that bpd made for an exceptionally difficult partner, that your ex loved one contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, but that the breakdown itself wasnt about BPD specifically?

Of course I made mistakes, I am not a robot. I told bad jokes, I talked about my models, I didn't write to her for a bit too long, I did not thank her enough when she offered me a gift, I forgot her birthday, I lost my personality and self-confidence when she started to sh*t-test me.
Yeah, this who I am, I can be in my world sometimes and say things I should not say plus I have weeknesses but let's be honest here, does it justify the fact that she went from "I've searched you all my life" to "I can stand you anymore" in less than a few days? Com'on!
She was not the cute little angel she presented to me in the beginning either but I tried to make it work all the same, I was ready to accept her flaws and imperfections, I was ready to talk about all of it and sort it out. THIS is adult love. Unlike her I did not go full panic and rage attacks when she realized I was not the perfect knight in shiny armour (which by the way doesn't exist), saying "you're not this, you're not that, you don't do this, you should do that", see the difference?
So of course the break down itself was all about BPD specifically. Again, I had many other breakups and I can tell the difference.

what if the two of you loved each other very much, but just couldnt make it work, and you can learn from that and go on to greater things?
it might hurt to think about. detachment necessarily involves some pain. but think about it. wouldnt it be a better, more accurate narrative? if you were just some sucker that gone run over by a mentally ill person, whats to stop it from happening again?

No. In other relationships, it did not work because there were real incompatibilities or differences and we talked about it as adults and decided to end it, sometimes it was easy sometimes less easy but it is always how it went. Here, this is not what happened, not at all. Here, it did not work because she was mentally ill and went in a fantasy world where I was so kind of manipulative evil guy whose purpose was only to destroy her, this is the most accurate narrative and I am not gonna chage it for any reason.

it might hurt to think about. detachment necessarily involves some pain. but think about it. wouldnt it be a better, more accurate narrative? if you were just some sucker that gone run over by a mentally ill person, whats to stop it from happening again?

It's not gonna happen again because like I said in my previous post, I now have boundaries, rules and a certain mindset that I had not during the relationship with my BPD.
So yes, I am sad because this woman had everything I ever wanted in a woman. What can I say? I had three other relationships after this one with three beautiful and young women. All of them were boring, apart from sex they did not bring anything to the table. In fact, when sex got boring too, and it happend very fast, I dumped them.
The sex with my BPD is probably what I remember the less and believe me it was good especially because, I don't really know how to this day, she managed to figure out all my preferences without me even mentioning them but anyway, she was so much more than that, I could talk to her for hours and hours. Most of modern women today? Bunch of entitled retards who don't behave like women anymore.
So yeah, I am sad, very sad that she had this disorder because I am confident that without it, we would still be together.

Now the only way to make it go easier is to ironically do it the BPD's way, I have to devaluate her in my mind to convince myself I've lost nothing. Yes, it is sad, but it's what works best for me at the moment for me.

[Cromwell]

I've realized that once again I put her on a pedestal and that "feeling inferior" was disturbing me a lot. I see clear now, I am not inferior to her, on the contrary. As a man I am in my prime, her? At 40, mental issues, a ton of baggage and no money, who on earth would want that?
Her charms have no power anymore over me, she can f herself, I am free.

I dont know what the other guy will be like daze.

Congrats on finding peace and being free from her.

[once removed]

I am sorry Once Removed but I must disagree about pretty much everything you have suggested.

thats okay. mine is just another of many perspectives

I mean, if I am on this forum it’s because there is a particularity, something different

i came here for the same reason, daze.

im just not sure youre going in a helpful direction at this point in terms of what makes this different, why this is under your skin. youre leaning really hard on things that, by your own admission, arent helping.

It is what it is otherwise she couldn't have dumped me the way she did, the way a corporation gets rid of a redundant employee like I said above. She wouldn't have taken back all her gifts and given back mine as if our relationship had just been no more than a failed business transaction.
She would have not immediately jumped back on several dating sites (maybe she was even already back on them during devaluation) like nothing happened between us at all.
She would have answered a little "thank you" when I congratulated her, was that too much to ask?
Of course it is not more complicated, every single thing points to the fact that it's absolutely not more complicated.
For god sake, I have never had any girlfriend asking for her gifts back even after a bad breakup, who are we kidding here?

i can imagine how painful this would be, to feel erased, to be broken up with callously.

my ex and i were together for just shy of three years. before that though, we were pretty good friends for three years. so there was a pretty significant history. we had our breakup conversation (i wasnt 100% sure thats what it was in the moment), and then about a week later, there was a new guy. about a week later, she was publicizing their first date. and shortly after that, they were officially in a new relationship that lasted about a year longer than my own. i think things with the new guy probably actually initiated some months before we broke up; its hard to say, and there may have been others.

i never felt more erased. we pretty much never spoke again.

sounds pretty bpdish, right?

i wont speak for you daze, but i know that in my own situation, and i had to learn it the hard way, my situation was a lot more complicated. if i told you that i had emotionally abandoned the relationship for a month or two before all that, which friends and family reminded me of, it wouldnt excuse what she did, but it sure might be a part of the explanation.

mine is obviously not the same as your story. what jumps out at me is that your ex clearly had a great deal of resentment. it doesnt suggest something came over her and suddenly you were meaningless with no other explanation, quite the contrary. you dont return gifts to someone who is meaningless (if you do such a thing), you do it to someone youre pissed at, where you took the breakup really hard. jumping on dating sites, ignoring your congratulations all suggest the same thing.

i would be asking myself why she was so resentful. the answer may not be obvious. you may not necessarily ever figure it out. there may be hints or clues, but odds are, there was a lot boiling under the surface during your relationship that you werent necessarily privy to at the time.

I loved her appearance, her intelligence, her personality, her skills, her humour, her femininity

no doubt. there were things i loved about my ex that i would hope to find in future partners. im not especially materialistic, but my ex was the most thoughtful gift giver ive ever met. she would give gifts that were so clever, that youd never have thought of or knew you wanted, but they would make you feel seen and appreciated, as a person. i asked lots of people that were burned by my ex, and they all agreed. i have no doubt there were qualities that you loved, deeply, about your ex, and are now grieving and mourning.

I forgot her birthday, I lost my personality and self-confidence when she started to sh*t-test me

i reread your story, and it sounds like the birthday was a big sore spot and turning point.

it happens to the best of us. and it sucks.

did you ever go to prom? ever heard the stories of guys that caught hell because they didnt plan the perfect evening, or didnt act according to plan? if not, ever heard of the show "bridezilla"?

thousands (millions?) of stories have been written, recorded, or told, about unfulfilled expectations when it comes to big events or major milestones, big dates, birthdays, anniversaries. people flip out sometimes. of course its unreasonable.

Yeah, this who I am, I can be in my world sometimes and say things I should not say plus I have weeknesses but let's be honest here, does it justify the fact that she went from "I've searched you all my life" to "I can stand you anymore" in less than a few days? Com'on!

does it justify it? not at all. i dont think anyone is saying that.

would it help you to understand where she was coming from (right or wrong) more than BPD strangers on the internet would? probably.

and i dont mean to be flip about it. that took me years to achieve, to reach a balance between understanding (as best i could) where my ex was coming from, without necessarily agreeing with it.

So yeah, I am sad, very sad that she had this disorder because I am confident that without it, we would still be together.

Now the only way to make it go easier is to ironically do it the BPD's way, I have to devaluate her in my mind to convince myself I've lost nothing. Yes, it is sad, but it's what works best for me at the moment for me.

you really dont have to go the bpds way and devalue her. thats a coping mechanism, daze, a dysfunctional one.

learn to better understand her and where she was coming from. learn to better understand yourself and where you were coming from. learn to better understand what went wrong. its going to hurt, but youll be better and stronger for it. cutting or using drugs works best for someone with bpd in the moment.

trying to devalue a woman you describe as the perfect girl for you is a seriously uphill battle that will keep you stuck, but will never quite stick, and youll take it into future relationships, if you havent already. youre on the right track when you describe her as not quite what you thought she was. the "perfect girl" was a fantasy. work toward accepting that she was the perfect girl for who, what, and where you were at the time, but that it wasnt sustainable. expand your horizons in terms of who and what the ideal girl for you is. become the man that can obtain it.

thats your ticket out of this hell. 

[nowthankful]

I can relate to what you guys are saying.  Same thing with me. Super hot, younger wife, best sex I ever had, etc, you know the story...

One thing I agree with Molly Dooker about (from Quora) is that there is a real God and his plans are being worked out in this world.  There is truly eternal meaning to our lives.   And a big part of all of this heavy duty learning we are going thru, is for us to learn to know Him better.  

Another thing, for me, is that I did some very weak and self humiliating things.  So, I was a big part of allowing myself to be torn down from being an idealized king in the beginning to being a worthless pos in the end.  I no longer believe in any of that self humiliating garbage.  I am learning my great value and worthiness.   I am in process of changing how I think.  What we think is pretty much everything.  It’s truly our reality.  

[juju2]

Wow.

Thank you.

So my friend would give me "used books"
that were marked up, with different colored highlighters, self help books...

I figured out she was marking them up...
And.  one book she gave, I thumbing thru.  It wasn't highlighted this part.

The book actually said, this is the most important part of this whole book: whatever you are going through.  Check out your state of mind.
Get that info.  Take note of it.

State of mind is the most important thing going through anything...

do I know what my state of mind is.

[I Am Redeemed]

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