Need help - Where to start?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I believe my sister has undiagnosed BPD.  It's hard to be sure since she refuses to seek professional help. I wanted to share my situation and I hope people could shed some light on this so I can have a better understanding of what's going on.

When she was in college, she never could hold down a job.  She would frequently drop classes midway through the school term.  When she starts a new project, she will be initially enthusiastic and then lose interest quickly and never finish it.  She would claim that she was too busy with important things to cook or clean her apartment.  So, my parents would drive to her place to cook and clean for her.  If she failed or was unable to complete something, she would blame others for it.  She never took responsibility for her actions or decisions.  She also seemed oblivious to how her actions negatively affected those around her.  There was always tension between my sister and my parents and it felt as though she would say/certain things to get a reaction out of them.

My sister is currently 39 years old, has been living with my parents for 8 years, and has been unemployed for 8 years.  I believe my parents are enabling her.  They seem to think that things will get better if they ignore it.  My parents provide her with food, shelter, health insurance, a cell phone, a car, an allowance, and pays her credit card bills.  She refuses to seek part-time or full-time work.  Every time we approach her about finding work so she can live independently on her own, she becomes very defensive and shuts us out.  She also blames my parents for her inability to focus and find work. 

Recently, I asked her to be my maid of honor in my wedding.  She knew I was getting married and she knew the wedding date for several months.  However, she said she couldn't be my maid of honor because she was too busy working 12 hours a day finding work to make a lot of money to financially support me.  This did not make sense to me, since I have been living independently since 2005.  After she told me that she couldn't be in the wedding, she would send me several long emails within the same day giving me suggestions about how I should plan my wedding.  Every time I visit my parent's house, my sister would insist on giving me job and relationship advice.  She would also send me emails about job and relationship advice, seemingly unaware that she needed to work on these things herself.

Any time we try to logically explain the current situation, she gets extremely angry and claims that we are attacking her.  Facts appear meaningless.  It feels as though she twists the facts to fit her view of the situation.

I have told my parents several times that she needs help and things need to change.  I also told my parents that changes cannot happen unless they create boundaries and enforce them.  Otherwise, she will not understand there are consequences to her actions and she will continue to take advantage of them and the situation.

I have been able to avoid the majority of this because I have been living on my own since 2005.  So, I do not interact with her on a daily basis.  However, I get the sense that she is trying to pull me into the same cycle my parents are in with the recent increasing number of emails.  In general, I do not engage because I do not want to say or do anything to encourage unhealthy behavior.

I do not know how to deal with my sister or how to help my parents.  I feel very ill-equipped.  I know professional help would be most ideal.  However, my sister is in denial of anything wrong.  In fact, she thinks my parents are the only ones who have the problem.   I've been doing some research online and I've been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I was wondering if any of you have advice on how to approach the situation?  My parents are aware of the problem but have issues with setting boundaries.  They refuse to kick her out, cut off financial support, etc.  I think that she will never stop if there is nothing to motivate her to change.

Thank you kindly for reading this long post.  I needed to vent.  Help is greatly appreciated.

[stillnewtothis]

Hi,

I believe my sister has undiagnosed BPD.  It's hard to be sure since she refuses to seek professional help. I wanted to share my situation and I hope people could shed some light on this so I can have a better understanding of what's going on.

When she was in college, she never could hold down a job.  She would frequently drop classes midway through the school term.  When she starts a new project, she will be initially enthusiastic and then lose interest quickly and never finish it.  She would claim that she was too busy with important things to cook or clean her apartment.  So, my parents would drive to her place to cook and clean for her.  If she failed or was unable to complete something, she would blame others for it.  She never took responsibility for her actions or decisions.  She also seemed oblivious to how her actions negatively affected those around her.  There was always tension between my sister and my parents and it felt as though she would say/certain things to get a reaction out of them.

My sister is currently 39 years old, has been living with my parents for 8 years, and has been unemployed for 8 years.  I believe my parents are enabling her.  They seem to think that things will get better if they ignore it.  My parents provide her with food, shelter, health insurance, a cell phone, a car, an allowance, and pays her credit card bills.  She refuses to seek part-time or full-time work.  Every time we approach her about finding work so she can live independently on her own, she becomes very defensive and shuts us out.  She also blames my parents for her inability to focus and find work. 

Recently, I asked her to be my maid of honor in my wedding.  She knew I was getting married and she knew the wedding date for several months.  However, she said she couldn't be my maid of honor because she was too busy working 12 hours a day finding work to make a lot of money to financially support me.  This did not make sense to me, since I have been living independently since 2005.  After she told me that she couldn't be in the wedding, she would send me several long emails within the same day giving me suggestions about how I should plan my wedding.  Every time I visit my parent's house, my sister would insist on giving me job and relationship advice.  She would also send me emails about job and relationship advice, seemingly unaware that she needed to work on these things herself.

Any time we try to logically explain the current situation, she gets extremely angry and claims that we are attacking her.  Facts appear meaningless.  It feels as though she twists the facts to fit her view of the situation.

I have told my parents several times that she needs help and things need to change.  I also told my parents that changes cannot happen unless they create boundaries and enforce them.  Otherwise, she will not understand there are consequences to her actions and she will continue to take advantage of them and the situation.

I have been able to avoid the majority of this because I have been living on my own since 2005.  So, I do not interact with her on a daily basis.  However, I get the sense that she is trying to pull me into the same cycle my parents are in with the recent increasing number of emails.  In general, I do not engage because I do not want to say or do anything to encourage unhealthy behavior.

I do not know how to deal with my sister or how to help my parents.  I feel very ill-equipped.  I know professional help would be most ideal.  However, my sister is in denial of anything wrong.  In fact, she thinks my parents are the only ones who have the problem.   I've been doing some research online and I've been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I was wondering if any of you have advice on how to approach the situation?  My parents are aware of the problem but have issues with setting boundaries.  They refuse to kick her out, cut off financial support, etc.  I think that she will never stop if there is nothing to motivate her to change.

Thank you kindly for reading this long post.  I needed to vent.  Help is greatly appreciated.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome stillnewtothis:    
I'm so sorry about the situation with your sister, and that she won't be your maid of honor.  It has to be heartbreaking, as well as frustrating, to see her fail to live a full life.  

Your sister may have BPD, or a combination of various issues (an anxiety disorder, ADD/ADHD, etc.). A professional would need to make a diagnosis.  Is there any history of mental illness in the family?  

I do not interact with her on a daily basis.  However, I get the sense that she is trying to pull me into the same cycle my parents are in with the recent increasing number of emails.  In general, I do not engage because I do not want to say or do anything to encourage unhealthy behavior.

Your approach to NOT engage is good and it sounds like you have an understanding about boundaries.  If you go to the top of the page, to the wide green menu bar, you will see a "Tools" section.  The links at that location, can lead you to a starting point to learn some more skills.

Every time we approach her about finding work so she can live independently on her own, she becomes very defensive and shuts us out.  She also blames my parents for her inability to focus and find work.

Sounds like you parents are providing everything she would ever want.  Wow, health insurance, an allowance, credit cards, food, shelter. . . Why would she ever want to leave?  Sounds like she doesn't have any reason to get a job?  :)id she graduate from college with a particular degree, that might lead to a job?

Is there any chance you can talk your parents into getting a therapist for some family counseling.  You and your parents can go discuss a possible plan to set boundaries with your sister?  Perhaps with the help of a professional, your parent's might take some action and apply boundaries.  You are right, nothing is going to change, unless your parents set some boundaries. The longer they wait, the worse it will be.  If they wait too long, she may never be employable or self-sufficient in any regard.

You can't control you sister, or your parents.  The only thing you can do is manage the way you interact with your sister and how you react to her.  Boundaries will continue to be your friend, so stay consistent and keep adjusting them according to your needs and changing situations.

[stillnewtothis]

Thanks for responding Naughty Nibbler!

It is sad that she chose to not be my maid of honor.  She said that if I moved my wedding date to next year she "might be able to make it".  It sounded like she was trying to test the waters and see if I would make this change just to please her.  I made it clear that it was her choice and that I will not be changing the date.

My sister does have a bachelors degree and a masters degree.  She's very intelligent and well spoken.  She has the ability to get a job.  However, I don't think she's motivated to since my parents are more than willing to provide everything.  Being unemployed for 8 years, it would be difficult for my sister to find work, especially work that is "worthy" of her.  She has very high expectations and strongly believes that she deserves a very high paying job even though she has no relevant work experience.

I never understood or tolerated my sister's inappropriate behavior.  Because of that, I consistently chose not to engage with her for 20 years.  However, my parents always made excuses for her.  It feels as though my sister and my parents have a codependent relationship where my parents want to give/provide and my sister is more than happy to take.  I think that my parents are finally reaching a breaking point and realizing that there is a serious problem here.

I talked to my parents about seeking a counselor and they seemed hesitant to the idea.  I guess if you're so used to a bad situation for so long you can't hope for anything better.  I called a psychiatrist today who specializes in BPD and had a long conversation about the situation.  I hope to make an appointment with her soon.  I will encourage my parents to come with me.  In the meantime, I bought them a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells and sent them a lot of online info to help.

Thanks for pointing out the "Tools" section.  I will definitely explore it.  I also think that finding places like this and having people to talk to who understand also helps.