Hi, New here, but not new to living with someone with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

This is kind of a long intro, but I wanted to give some background so my current situation makes sense... .Though I have learned making sense and BPD don't exactly go together... .A lot of this is copied from another group that I posted in, so if it looks really familiar it is because it is .

Even though I have tried to make this as anonymous as possible, I still feel like she is going to find it and know it is me.  Of course the funny thing there is that so many people's stories sound just like mine... .

I grew up with a mother who is pretty classic BPD.  As a kid I remember my parents fighting and it would always seem like my dad was a mean person and my mother was just a poor sweet mom who was being wronged.  They got divorced right after I got out of 5th grade, and from then on I only stayed with my dad every other weekend (my sister who I am pretty sure is also a pwBPD refused to ever go see him or even talk to him much, and still to this day claims he has mentally abused her somehow).  For the next 10 years I was constantly told how bad my father was for wanting a divorce, and how horrible and evil he was (still hear that to this day and get guilt trips because I actually interact with him regularly).  My dad does lack in many fatherly ways, though I know him now to not be like what I was lead to believe.  But because he is a bit lacking, all I learned about relationships I learned from my mom.  That being mainly that a man should, more or less, never leave a woman for any reason, his purpose in a relationship is to take care of her, and her emotional state and wants and desires in life are more important than his.  Sounds crazy that one would not see through that, but I suppose a young mind is quite impressionable.  So I have what you would call the "Knight in shining armor" complex, and a natural attraction to personality disordered women and the relationship dynamics that exist in such romantic relationships.  It also means I put the other person's happiness far above mine and feel I can save them from whatever travesty they have experienced before in their life.

I was well out of high school before I was ever actually able to get a girlfriend, and so my self worth was already kind of poor.  My first girlfriend, who was also my first of 2 long term relationships, is a classic pwNPD (narcissistic personality disorder, just for clarity).  I won't get into all the details of that as I'm sure you can image what it entailed.  She also convinced me she couldn't get pregnant, which I'm sure you also already know was not true.  So young naive me ended up with a child with her.  Long story short, after 3 years of painful existence she actually decided to leave and move back where she was from.  I welcomed this of course, other than the issues with my son that resulted from it. I learned a lot of what I didn't want out of the experience, just not quite enough to save me from making a similar relationship mistake in the future... .

But that leads me to my current predicament, which I have been in for the past several years.  From what I have seen from others so far, quite a few people actually do feel their relationship was/is based on something worthwhile and genuine, and was/is worth saving.  Some seem to  even be in love with their partner still.  The messed up thing for me is I KNEW it wasn't a good relationship to be in from the very beginning, and I have never truly had that deep romantic love with her because the relationship has never been truly genuine, but I just couldn't break myself from it. The first couple months were great and then the craziness slowly started creeping in (sometimes not so slowly), but even at the very start something just seemed off.  At that point in time my psychology was still stuck in Knight in Shinning Armor phase though, and I also had a deep desire for a relationship, so every warning was ignored.  We didn't, and still don't have that much in common... .at least not nearly enough for a relationship to be truly fulfilling even with a non-BPD person: we have just a few interests in common, pretty different political views, very different religious views, and monumental differences in sexuality (that last one has been the source of a lot of harsh degradation).  Again, skipping the rest of the details of things we are all familiar with, I will say that I have experienced repeatedly all but #6 (to my knowledge at least, for all I know she has done that one too) on the 21 warnings signs list (https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/), and the addition of refusing requests to slow down or take a break from the relationship (answered with increased escalations of behaviors until I caved), and demanding I dress certain ways (I guess that still falls under controlling, but it is a particular pain for me).

I felt that getting engaged would somehow make things better since she was asking about it constantly, so I proposed.  I think if you go back and look at the pictures she took, you can almost see the pain in my eyes as I was doing it.  We had a rather long engagement, which you would think would have given me plenty of time to get out, but at that point in time I had already gotten stuck living with her (mainly due to her financial control) and I really didn't understand what was going on.  But, less than a year before the wedding date I just randomly typed in Google "my girlfriend is controlling and crazy" and suddenly everything started to become clear.  Suddenly I understood that the women in my life had a mental issue and that it wasn't normal (I truly thought it was normal behavior!).  I also suddenly realized why I had thought it was normal, and why I just couldn't break away from it.  I tried to break free, but, on top of psychological reasons preventing me from leaving, I found myself in a custody battle with my ex who was not taking good care of my son.  The trial fell just before the marriage date and I just couldn't risk appearing unstable as getting primary custody became the priority at that time.  After the trial, things were very hard for him because, well, his mom is crazy narcissistic and messes with his mind.  So that made trying to decide to leave even harder.  I had a last ditch effort right before the marriage date to try to get out, but unfortunately it backfired when she found out prematurely (which led to yelling and punching (her punching me) and then crying mixed with hints of suicide).  In the end I think it was probably still the best thing for my son, and that was probably why my heart wasn't in it enough to stick to my plan, but here I am years later, a hollow shell of who I really am,  feeling stuck, just drifting along trying to act happy and keep peace everyday while still knowing what is really going on... . It is painful everyday, truly physically painful.  Even during the "good" times, because I know they are just temporary, but then at the same time feel bad for wanting to leave.  I know I *should* leave, or somehow convince her to leave (which would be best), but I just find myself feeling completely stuck.  My spirit gets crushed every time I even think about leaving or how to do it.

I don't know that I had any question to ask here, I was just sharing for the sake of finding some companionship with those that are there, or have been there.

[bpdisphun]

Hi,

This is kind of a long intro, but I wanted to give some background so my current situation makes sense... .Though I have learned making sense and BPD don't exactly go together... .A lot of this is copied from another group that I posted in, so if it looks really familiar it is because it is .

Even though I have tried to make this as anonymous as possible, I still feel like she is going to find it and know it is me.  Of course the funny thing there is that so many people's stories sound just like mine... .

I grew up with a mother who is pretty classic BPD.  As a kid I remember my parents fighting and it would always seem like my dad was a mean person and my mother was just a poor sweet mom who was being wronged.  They got divorced right after I got out of 5th grade, and from then on I only stayed with my dad every other weekend (my sister who I am pretty sure is also a pwBPD refused to ever go see him or even talk to him much, and still to this day claims he has mentally abused her somehow).  For the next 10 years I was constantly told how bad my father was for wanting a divorce, and how horrible and evil he was (still hear that to this day and get guilt trips because I actually interact with him regularly).  My dad does lack in many fatherly ways, though I know him now to not be like what I was lead to believe.  But because he is a bit lacking, all I learned about relationships I learned from my mom.  That being mainly that a man should, more or less, never leave a woman for any reason, his purpose in a relationship is to take care of her, and her emotional state and wants and desires in life are more important than his.  Sounds crazy that one would not see through that, but I suppose a young mind is quite impressionable.  So I have what you would call the "Knight in shining armor" complex, and a natural attraction to personality disordered women and the relationship dynamics that exist in such romantic relationships.  It also means I put the other person's happiness far above mine and feel I can save them from whatever travesty they have experienced before in their life.

I was well out of high school before I was ever actually able to get a girlfriend, and so my self worth was already kind of poor.  My first girlfriend, who was also my first of 2 long term relationships, is a classic pwNPD (narcissistic personality disorder, just for clarity).  I won't get into all the details of that as I'm sure you can image what it entailed.  She also convinced me she couldn't get pregnant, which I'm sure you also already know was not true.  So young naive me ended up with a child with her.  Long story short, after 3 years of painful existence she actually decided to leave and move back where she was from.  I welcomed this of course, other than the issues with my son that resulted from it. I learned a lot of what I didn't want out of the experience, just not quite enough to save me from making a similar relationship mistake in the future... .

But that leads me to my current predicament, which I have been in for the past several years.  From what I have seen from others so far, quite a few people actually do feel their relationship was/is based on something worthwhile and genuine, and was/is worth saving.  Some seem to  even be in love with their partner still.  The messed up thing for me is I KNEW it wasn't a good relationship to be in from the very beginning, and I have never truly had that deep romantic love with her because the relationship has never been truly genuine, but I just couldn't break myself from it. The first couple months were great and then the craziness slowly started creeping in (sometimes not so slowly), but even at the very start something just seemed off.  At that point in time my psychology was still stuck in Knight in Shinning Armor phase though, and I also had a deep desire for a relationship, so every warning was ignored.  We didn't, and still don't have that much in common... .at least not nearly enough for a relationship to be truly fulfilling even with a non-BPD person: we have just a few interests in common, pretty different political views, very different religious views, and monumental differences in sexuality (that last one has been the source of a lot of harsh degradation).  Again, skipping the rest of the details of things we are all familiar with, I will say that I have experienced repeatedly all but #6 (to my knowledge at least, for all I know she has done that one too) on the 21 warnings signs list (https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/), and the addition of refusing requests to slow down or take a break from the relationship (answered with increased escalations of behaviors until I caved), and demanding I dress certain ways (I guess that still falls under controlling, but it is a particular pain for me).

I felt that getting engaged would somehow make things better since she was asking about it constantly, so I proposed.  I think if you go back and look at the pictures she took, you can almost see the pain in my eyes as I was doing it.  We had a rather long engagement, which you would think would have given me plenty of time to get out, but at that point in time I had already gotten stuck living with her (mainly due to her financial control) and I really didn't understand what was going on.  But, less than a year before the wedding date I just randomly typed in Google "my girlfriend is controlling and crazy" and suddenly everything started to become clear.  Suddenly I understood that the women in my life had a mental issue and that it wasn't normal (I truly thought it was normal behavior!).  I also suddenly realized why I had thought it was normal, and why I just couldn't break away from it.  I tried to break free, but, on top of psychological reasons preventing me from leaving, I found myself in a custody battle with my ex who was not taking good care of my son.  The trial fell just before the marriage date and I just couldn't risk appearing unstable as getting primary custody became the priority at that time.  After the trial, things were very hard for him because, well, his mom is crazy narcissistic and messes with his mind.  So that made trying to decide to leave even harder.  I had a last ditch effort right before the marriage date to try to get out, but unfortunately it backfired when she found out prematurely (which led to yelling and punching (her punching me) and then crying mixed with hints of suicide).  In the end I think it was probably still the best thing for my son, and that was probably why my heart wasn't in it enough to stick to my plan, but here I am years later, a hollow shell of who I really am,  feeling stuck, just drifting along trying to act happy and keep peace everyday while still knowing what is really going on... . It is painful everyday, truly physically painful.  Even during the "good" times, because I know they are just temporary, but then at the same time feel bad for wanting to leave.  I know I *should* leave, or somehow convince her to leave (which would be best), but I just find myself feeling completely stuck.  My spirit gets crushed every time I even think about leaving or how to do it.

I don't know that I had any question to ask here, I was just sharing for the sake of finding some companionship with those that are there, or have been there.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

How is the custody situation with your son now? Do you mean it was the best thing it fell through since primary custody would have meant that being in your home he would be in view with your marriage conflicts?

My ex had sent me to therapy, of which she was supposed to take part,  but she abandoned me there... .just like my BPD mother did when I was 13. Even so,  she gave me permission to ask me to marry her.  I set it up well... .ring in the fortune cookie bag at her favorite park. She started going off on me because I didn't get her the small chow mein box,  but the normal sized one.  I thought about showing her the ring and then throwing it into the pond.  Instead,  I thought, "to heck with her.  Love despite." So with her still going off on me, I dropped to one knee... .she later said that any guy who wanted to marry her like that was the one to marry. 

Ironically, I met her doing at-risk youth mentoring, a fellow mentor.  One of the coaches there said,  "you don't know what you don't know." Cue many heads turning like the proverbial curious dog. 

So you ended up with someone like the mother of your son in many ways.  Can you forgive yourself for doing what you know?

Take a look at the lessons in the right sidebar and let us know if they are helpful.  They might give you food for thought as it sounds like you are conflicted right now,  which is understandable,  dealing with two women and your son. 

Turkish

[Cat Familiar]

You’re not the only one who has mangaged to get themselves trapped in a relationship. I stayed married to a man I never really loved for close to twenty years. He was abusive too. Fit a lot of the criteria on the link you posted.

I, like you, had a BPD mom and perhaps I had the female version of the knight in shining armor or perhaps he just encountered me when I was at a weak point in my life and his persistence gradually won me over.

But I finally got out and my life is so much better, even though I’m married to yet another pwBPD. This one is on the mild end of the spectrum.

It comes down to doing what you really want and living the life you feel you need and deserve. It took a lot to get out of that horrible marriage, but I never regretted anything once I decided I had to get out. And no matter how irritated I’ve been with my current marriage, compared to the hell I’ve experienced in th first one, it’s all been roses.

That’s the first step, deciding what you want.

[bpdisphun]

How is the custody situation with your son now? Do you mean it was the best thing it fell through since primary custody would have meant that being in your home he would be in view with your marriage conflicts?
 
So you ended up with someone like the mother of your son in many ways.  Can you forgive yourself for doing what you know?

Take a look at the lessons in the right sidebar and let us know if they are helpful.  They might give you food for thought as it sounds like you are conflicted right now,  which is understandable,  dealing with two women and your son. 

Turkish

I won primary custody, which was my goal because my son's health and well being are more important.  The custody situation with my son is a double edged sword really.  On one hand, it is far better for him to be with me most of the time instead of his mom since she wasn't providing very good care for him, but on the other hand it makes it far harder for me to leave my current situation, and he is exposed to our conflicts (which I try to keep to a minimum for his sake).

Can I forgive myself?  I think so.  I feel I already have.  I am disappointed in myself, but at the same time, like you said, you don't know what you don't know, and so many things I have learned since getting into the relationship have made me more forgiving of myself.

I have started reading some of the resources on here (I unfortunately don't get a lot of time available when I can get on here), and I am sure they will help some.  I am only conflicted in the sense that I don't know when or how I can get out of the relationship, but know for certain I NEED to.

[bpdisphun]

You’re not the only one who has mangaged to get themselves trapped in a relationship. I stayed married to a man I never really loved for close to twenty years. He was abusive too. Fit a lot of the criteria on the link you posted.

I, like you, had a BPD mom and perhaps I had the female version of the knight in shining armor or perhaps he just encountered me when I was at a weak point in my life and his persistence gradually won me over.

But I finally got out and my life is so much better, even though I’m married to yet another pwBPD. This one is on the mild end of the spectrum.

It comes down to doing what you really want and living the life you feel you need and deserve. It took a lot to get out of that horrible marriage, but I never regretted anything once I decided I had to get out. And no matter how irritated I’ve been with my current marriage, compared to the hell I’ve experienced in th first one, it’s all been roses.

That’s the first step, deciding what you want.

I know what I want, and for certain I want to be free.  That is my end goal.  I am just not sure how I can do it, or how to do it really.  Or when for that matter.  I know it is one of those things that there is never a truly good time for.

I think when I am able to get out of it, I don't plan on starting any relationships for a long time, and I have promised myself to set hard boundaries.  Anyone I am with in the future is going to know from the get go that I will not stand for any BPD shenanigans, and if they aren't OK with that, or OK with me just being me, then I will not stay.  I am glad your current husband is at least on the mild end of the spectrum.

[Cat Familiar]

I didn't know how I was going to get out either, but two things I set in motion started that happening.

1. I fully disclosed the reality of my life to a friend and after that, I could no longer deny how horrible my relationship was.

2. I set absolute boundaries on two behaviors that if any sign of them occurred again, I would leave: infidelity and violence. Just so happened that both began to occur. So I had a choice: either choose freedom or wait to die--that's how I described it to myself at the time.

It was difficult, but I just took it step by step, extricating myself from my relationship with him and ending our business relationship too. But each step along the way provided me with additional freedom and motivation to continue. Finally it was a done deal and I've never been happier, nor have I had any regret about ending that relationship, other than I didn't do it sooner.

Regarding my current spouse, the BPD didn't show up fully for a number of years. Oh, there were glimpses, but I didn't really acknowledge what I was seeing, nor did I want to. He was so loving and kind and I was so craving the appreciation that I didn't pick up on lots of the red flags at first. And too, the first husband was so extremely abusive that it sort of expanded my tolerance for weird behavior, so some of the minor BPD annoyances that I'm currently complaining about, wouldn't even have registered then.