Survivor's Guilt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There - I've said it.

I feel guilty for getting out of this mess.

We had an unspoken pact.  Two broken people, her mentally and from an abusive past, me from a turbulent childhood and teen years, coupled with being a deep thinker.

I felt I had finally found the only person who understood me.

At first, we brought out the good in each other.  Towards the end, we brought out the bad in each other.  I ended up mirroring her craziness, speaking to her in the only language she knew. 

And now I am free.

Don't get me wrong, still heartbroken (I'll save that for another post) but I don't have BPD in my life anymore.

She is stuck with her BPD in her own head forever.  With all that pain.  That I can't even share half of anymore.

I feel guilty for this - like I'm the survivor, where she died. 

But we promised to be together forever.  I meant it with every ounce of my soul, and so did she, at the time.  I truly believe that.

We were two halves of a whole (yes, co-dependent I now realise).

So I feel so guilty... .  that she still has this monster in her head, yet in time I will be fixed... .  

I feel like I have let her down by letting her deal with it alone, even though it was her choice to leave.

[mango_flower]

There - I've said it.

I feel guilty for getting out of this mess.

We had an unspoken pact.  Two broken people, her mentally and from an abusive past, me from a turbulent childhood and teen years, coupled with being a deep thinker.

I felt I had finally found the only person who understood me.

At first, we brought out the good in each other.  Towards the end, we brought out the bad in each other.  I ended up mirroring her craziness, speaking to her in the only language she knew. 

And now I am free.

Don't get me wrong, still heartbroken (I'll save that for another post) but I don't have BPD in my life anymore.

She is stuck with her BPD in her own head forever.  With all that pain.  That I can't even share half of anymore.

I feel guilty for this - like I'm the survivor, where she died. 

But we promised to be together forever.  I meant it with every ounce of my soul, and so did she, at the time.  I truly believe that.

We were two halves of a whole (yes, co-dependent I now realise).

So I feel so guilty... .  that she still has this monster in her head, yet in time I will be fixed... .  

I feel like I have let her down by letting her deal with it alone, even though it was her choice to leave.

[seeking balance]

I feel like I have let her down by letting her deal with it alone, even though it was her choice to leave.

She left you, right?

And you feel guilty now because you are free?  Do I understand your post correctly?

[mango_flower]

Yep.  I know, it makes no sense to me either... .  that's why I post here, to try and get some sense of it! 

[just me.]

Is there anything more you can think of that you might have done to try to save her?

[mango_flower]

There probably is, yes.  I hate admitting that.

I was going through a tough time at work (I'm a teacher, so September/October time is hard).  And she was getting weirder, and mirroring new people at her work, which made me uneasy as she was a totally different person to the girl I fell in love with.  I didn't know about BPD then - so I detached a little bit (self-preservation).  She acted like a brat, acting out and staying away with work, in hotels and stuff.  Telling me she was suicidal. Making me worry 24/7, as she is seriously asthmatic and would call me to tell me she didn't feel very well and was on her own.

She wanted me to chase her, to confess my undying love, to fight for her... .  

But being me, I was calm, detached, stayed patient with her and called her every night to tell her I loved her, but didn't buy into her "bad behaviour".  To her, this was a sign I didn't love her... .  because I didn't buy into it, I didn't cry, I didn't beg her to come home.

She wanted me to chase her down I think, to say I couldn't live without her... .  

Then she met this new girl at work, and suddenly stopped caring what I did, spending her time on the phone, and texting etc... .  

At this point I realised I was losing her, but it was too late.

I will always wonder "what if I'd tried harder".

But then I'd always be subject to her acting out, I guess.

I don't want to live with that.  It's not HER I now miss, but the girl she was at the start... .  I am still grieving for that girl.

I will always wonder, what if she was just having a really bad time and she needed me - and I let her down, by not making her feel safe and loved.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

[seeking balance]

Yep.  I know, it makes no sense to me either... .  that's why I post here, to try and get some sense of it! 

no worries - one of the lessons I have learned through all of this is to make sure on the same starting page with anyone before moving to the next step 

Well, guilt seems to be a "go to" emotion for you - where do you think that might stem from?  For example, for me - growing up... .  sadness/tears were not acceptable, but anger was - thus anger was (worked hard on this one) a "go to" emotion rather than the more appropriate feeling for the actual circumstances.

What do you think the "appropriate" feeling be for where you are right now?

[mango_flower]

Yep.  I know, it makes no sense to me either... .  that's why I post here, to try and get some sense of it! 

no worries - one of the lessons I have learned through all of this is to make sure on the same starting page with anyone before moving to the next step 

Well, guilt seems to be a "go to" emotion for you - where do you think that might stem from?  For example, for me - growing up... .  sadness/tears were not acceptable, but anger was - thus anger was (worked hard on this one) a "go to" emotion rather than the more appropriate feeling for the actual circumstances.

What do you think the "appropriate" feeling be for where you are right now?

You're so right - guilt is my default emotion... .  

The appropriate emotion, I guess, would be:

Confusion

Anger

Betrayal

Sadness

But don't worry, I am definitely feeling all of those too! 

[seeking balance]

But being me, I was calm, detached, stayed patient with her and called her every night to tell her I loved her, but didn't buy into her "bad behaviour".  To her, this was a sign I didn't love her... .  because I didn't buy into it, I didn't cry, I didn't beg her to come home.

So... .  you holding on to healthy boundaries and expecting her to act like a rational adult... .  is now you thinking you didn't "do enough"?

Do I understand this correctly?

[seeking balance]

Yep.  I know, it makes no sense to me either... .  that's why I post here, to try and get some sense of it! 

no worries - one of the lessons I have learned through all of this is to make sure on the same starting page with anyone before moving to the next step 

Well, guilt seems to be a "go to" emotion for you - where do you think that might stem from?  For example, for me - growing up... .  sadness/tears were not acceptable, but anger was - thus anger was (worked hard on this one) a "go to" emotion rather than the more appropriate feeling for the actual circumstances.

What do you think the "appropriate" feeling be for where you are right now?

You're so right - guilt is my default emotion... .  

The appropriate emotion, I guess, would be:

Confusion

Anger

Betrayal

Sadness

But don't worry, I am definitely feeling all of those too! 

So, why does guilt feel "safer" to you then the other emotions?  Or does it?

[elessar]

You're so right - guilt is my default emotion... .  

The appropriate emotion, I guess, would be:

Confusion

Anger

Betrayal

Sadness

But don't worry, I am definitely feeling all of those too! 

... .  I am feeling all those things you wrote except guilt. but maybe because I am not at the phase where I think i have escaped/survived. i still think she will be back.

But you shouldn't feel guilty. not one bit.

[mango_flower]

But being me, I was calm, detached, stayed patient with her and called her every night to tell her I loved her, but didn't buy into her "bad behaviour".  To her, this was a sign I didn't love her... .  because I didn't buy into it, I didn't cry, I didn't beg her to come home.

So... .  you holding on to healthy boundaries and expecting her to act like a rational adult... .  is now you thinking you didn't "do enough"?

Do I understand this correctly?

Yes... .  that's right.  Sounds crazy when you put it that way.     But I always justify it by seeing how damaged she is, and how if I'd had more time, I could have made her feel safe, validate her unconditionally until she relaxed and felt 100% safe with me - I'm a sucker for believing that love can fix everything I guess.  Also, it hurts me so much that SHE believes I didn't love her enough... .  because I didn't love her in the way she wanted me to - chasing after her... .  I can't PROVE how much I loved her... .  I feel she just isn't hearing me - and that HURTS!  I feel like, how dare you not believe me! It makes me feel so indignant!

So, why does guilt feel "safer" to you then the other emotions?  Or does it?

I don't know.  Maybe because I hate being angry at other people... .  I'd rather beat myself up and convince myself everything is my own fault, because that way, I am the one who was in control... .  I think I may be a control freak!  

... .  I am feeling all those things you wrote except guilt. but maybe because I am not at the phase where I think i have escaped/survived. i still think she will be back.

But you shouldn't feel guilty. not one bit.

I still feel she will be back.  But she won't.  She is getting married to somebody else.  But her new fiancee is marrying the NEW her... .  not MY sweet girl.  I still imagine that I will wake up and it will all be a horrible dream and my sweet girl will be back.  Urgh.

[mango_flower]

One thing that just jumped in my mind is:

What if I HAD pandered to her?

What if I'd reassured her enough by doing that, that she'd gone back to her sweet self?

[seeking balance]

Yes... .  that's right.  Sounds crazy when you put it that way.     But I always justify it by seeing how damaged she is, and how if I'd had more time, I could have made her feel safe, validate her unconditionally until she relaxed and felt 100% safe with me - I'm a sucker for believing that love can fix everything I guess.  Also, it hurts me so much that SHE believes I didn't love her enough... .  because I didn't love her in the way she wanted me to - chasing after her... .  I can't PROVE how much I loved her... .  I feel she just isn't hearing me - and that HURTS!  I feel like, how dare you not believe me! It makes me feel so indignant!

Let me let you in on a little secret, over on the staying board - loving enough is being strong enough to enforce boundaries for your own mental health.  We do not truly love someone if we are not loving ourselves enough to not tolerate abusive behavior. 

The way she wanted you to behave - is that YOUR definition of a healthy love?

I don't know.  Maybe because I hate being angry at other people... .  I'd rather beat myself up and convince myself everything is my own fault, because that way, I am the one who was in control... .  I think I may be a control freak!  

so... .  it might be time for some personal inventory here... .  why are you a control freak?  where does that behavior stem from?

Is it possible you picked someone who is a bit of a wreck so you could remain in your own safe, controlled role?

[mango_flower]

You are 100% correct... .  

That is not my definition of love - at all!

I wanted a healthy, real relationship - even though the fantasy we had at the start was so amazing... .  I was ready to move on to something more real with her. She wasn't, I guess.

It just hurts that SHE doesn't see that.  It kills me! Why do I need so badly for her to see how much I loved her?  It hurts that she will look back and think I never loved her enough - when I have never loved anyone more.

I think I'm a control freak because my life as a child was so out of control... .  major anxiety issues, OCD etc... .  I just don't know how to fix it!  But I'm going to post a positive post next... .  

[seeking balance]

It just hurts that SHE doesn't see that.  It kills me! Why do I need so badly for her to see how much I loved her?  It hurts that she will look back and think I never loved her enough - when I have never loved anyone more.

check this article out anytime you get in the FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt)

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

One of the 10 False Beliefs that I really focused on was:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

Your love was real for you - and at some point... .  you will want to accept this as being enough.  Why do you think you are so attached to what your ex may think about your love?  I mean, she showed her version of love by jumping ship to someone else - is this someone you logically want to be concerned with worrying about how she perceives you?

[mango_flower]

I have read that article, and relate to it so very much! 

I don't know why I care.  Maybe because I feel not good enough, I am not good at cooking, I am not as romantic as she was, nor as creative or individual... .  the one thing I had in bucket-loads was my love for her.  And that's all I have got.

Before I hid her on facebook, I could see all the sweet things her new girlfriend was doing for her - cooking, buying her flowers etc... .  

Makes me feel second rate and worthless, like she will look back on the memories we had and they will be so second best compared to this girl... .  

And she was my first-best, my only.  And that hurts.

[mango_flower]

Thank you so much seekingbalance for all these thought provoking questions!  I appreciate the time you have taken x

[seeking balance]

Thank you so much seekingbalance for all these thought provoking questions!  I appreciate the time you have taken x

You are very welcome - I think you may find the PI board of value for you.  Much of what you discuss on this thread is really about you and not about detaching from your ex.

How to:

- develop core self worth

- figure out your emotions, appropriate to the situation and the root causes

- let go of being perfect (none of us walk on water, hon)

I saw your other post about getting a referral - true courage is the ability to be vulnerable and ask for and accept help when we need it - kudos to you!

You are going to be just fine - keep reading and rereading every book & article you can - it will all start to sink in and you will begin to see yourself differently.

Peace,

SB

[mango_flower]

I want a facebook style "like" button for each of your posts seekingbalance, so I don't have to keep bumping my own threads!  Please know that I do read every reply more than once, and very much appreciate them. x