Scared of him. Scared of my fear.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am nervous. I don't know what scares me most. His behaviour and what he might do or that my fear will control my reactions.

This morning I found 5 more messages from him on my mobile. In one of them he wrote: "CALL ME IMMEDIATELY!" Before that, he had called me 3 times in the middle of the night and left the same message saying: "No, I won't. Call me!" I have no idea what "he won't". My phone is switched off in the night.

When we were together, and he raged, my reaction and my behaviour were controlled by fear. I didn't dare say what I wanted to say. I didn't dare defend myself verbally. And now I am afraid. He seems to get more and more desperate. It seems that he still doesn't quite believe that I mean it when I wrote to him that I don't want this relationship any more. He definitely won't accept it. And I am afraid how he will react when he realizes that there is no hope for him to get me back. In his former relationships his girlfriends went on and off, he has said. He has probably not experienced this before, that his girlfriend leaves him once, and only once.

He doesn't live far from here. About 3 km. And I wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly find him standing outside my door, and he wants to come in and "talk". If I reject him and just leave him there, I would be so scared what that might trigger in him. I imagine that I would suggest that we go to a café and talk. And even that scares me. I am afraid that anything I say or not say might trigger something scary in him. Not that he would harm me on a café. But what would happen after we leave the café, and he is back home? This is driving me crazy. He never hit me, but I know about his passed. He was violent to his last girlfriend, when she was leaving him two years ago. And to former girlfriends. He even hit his own mother, when she was ill (she died 20 years ago). Though that was 21 years ago. Because he was provoked by a certain expression on her face. Knowing all that scares me like hell now. And he totally ignores the reason why I left him. In all his messages.

I don't know how to handle my fear, and how I should act to protect myself and not be controlled by this fear.

[harbour]

I am nervous. I don't know what scares me most. His behaviour and what he might do or that my fear will control my reactions.

This morning I found 5 more messages from him on my mobile. In one of them he wrote: "CALL ME IMMEDIATELY!" Before that, he had called me 3 times in the middle of the night and left the same message saying: "No, I won't. Call me!" I have no idea what "he won't". My phone is switched off in the night.

When we were together, and he raged, my reaction and my behaviour were controlled by fear. I didn't dare say what I wanted to say. I didn't dare defend myself verbally. And now I am afraid. He seems to get more and more desperate. It seems that he still doesn't quite believe that I mean it when I wrote to him that I don't want this relationship any more. He definitely won't accept it. And I am afraid how he will react when he realizes that there is no hope for him to get me back. In his former relationships his girlfriends went on and off, he has said. He has probably not experienced this before, that his girlfriend leaves him once, and only once.

He doesn't live far from here. About 3 km. And I wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly find him standing outside my door, and he wants to come in and "talk". If I reject him and just leave him there, I would be so scared what that might trigger in him. I imagine that I would suggest that we go to a café and talk. And even that scares me. I am afraid that anything I say or not say might trigger something scary in him. Not that he would harm me on a café. But what would happen after we leave the café, and he is back home? This is driving me crazy. He never hit me, but I know about his passed. He was violent to his last girlfriend, when she was leaving him two years ago. And to former girlfriends. He even hit his own mother, when she was ill (she died 20 years ago). Though that was 21 years ago. Because he was provoked by a certain expression on her face. Knowing all that scares me like hell now. And he totally ignores the reason why I left him. In all his messages.

I don't know how to handle my fear, and how I should act to protect myself and not be controlled by this fear.

[harbour]

Should I not answer the phone, if he calls me again? It is my silence and no reactions from me that drives him mad.

[mrshambles]

I wouldn't answer, that seems to be like feeding the angry wolf... .they will just continue act on it to be fed more... .hopefully he will get bored and move on to another source... .that's just my 2 cents

[Panda39]

This is the "F"ear in FOG... .stay out of the FOG... .don't respond.  Maybe go out and do something distracting or invite a friend over.  Turn off the phone.

[Pingo]

I will give you the same advise my T gave me as my situation is similar.  Contact a battered women's shelter and ask for advise.  They have resources on how to protect yourself.  If he shows up at your door call the police.  Do not let him in and don't go to a café to talk.  It seems like he told you about that stuff of his past violence to his gf to completely intimidate you and it has worked!  Mine did something similar.  You cannot ignore your fear but at the same time you have to take control of your situation and remain calm.  Do you have friends/family you've told about this?  Are they able to support you?

[Scarlett2008]

Dear Harbour, I'm with you . I'm living a very similar situation right now. They are completely mentally unstable, that means also unpredictable. I've never been scared like this before. It helps to feel we're not alone in this.

[Ex-Dreamboy]

Just to comment on the "no, I won't," I am guessing he was responding to your voicemail saying "leave a message."

[harbour]

Pingo and Scarlett2008, are you both NC with your ex? For how long now? Are they still trying to get in touch with you?

He is sending messages, not only to me, but also to my old mother. Weird messages. He sends those messages to me too to let me know that he pesters her. I'm sure he does that to make me respond to him. I haven't, and I won't.

Yes, he succeeded in intimidating me. But I did break up, though I don't feel I am out of it as long as he sends me messages and as long as I am afraid of him.

Yesterday I called a women's crisis counselling. Talked with her for almost two hours. She advised me to take all possible precautions. To change my routes, make somebody call me at an appointed time, when I go out, inform my neighbours etc. She also offered me accommodating at a women's shelter for women who feel threatened or are or have been subjects to psychological violence (there are other shelters for battered women). There I could get some peace and safety, and help to get out of it. Also psychologically. They have experienced professionals.These shelters are financed by the state. It seems a bit dramatic to leave my home and go stay at a shelter. But if it gets worse, I will definitely consider it.

After having read so many stories on this board, I think there ought to be such shelters for men also.

[Pingo]

Harbour, I have been total NC since early September when I sent an email trying to get my stuff back from him.  He never replied.  Now he has texted me (I had him blocked) and emailed me 3 times in the last couple weeks.  I have ignored him so far.  I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again but I shouldn't have been surprised after reading all the stories on here.  We've been split for 5 1/2 mths.  I'm worried his next move will be to show up at my office.  He knows I won't want to make a scene.  What he doesn't know is I WILL make a scene just to get the point across. 

I have gone through periods where I'm really paranoid and scared and other times where I think maybe I have over reacted.  But after reading Lundy Bancroft's book on abuse (Why Does he do That) I am more trusting of my intuition.  Lundy says that the best indicator of whether a man will become violent is the women's gut feeling that this could happen.  So don't dismiss these feelings.  I am glad you have reached out to the women's crisis centre.  Hopefully your ex is just full of hot air trying to attempt to keep you in a state of fear but since you don't know, be careful!

[Elpis]

The psychological abuse is really awful to deal with, i'm right there with you. And I know I had shut down my instincts for years in order to "get along" with my husband, yet right in front of my nose were indications that my uBPDh could get violent.

One time my T said "you have good instincts, you just don't trust them." Well, thankfully I worked to get out of the FOG and was able to use those instincts to get myself out when I needed to.

I felt pretty intimidated for months, then I started realizing how much I need to be my own advocate, my own protector (all thanks to my T challenging my beliefs that I could never be safe from him.) There will be a point when you feel angry about all the crap he's done to your head and that will help you move away from feeling fearful. I still feel it sometimes, but it's a practice thing to detach our feelings from their messing with our heads.

You'll get there! and what a great resource, i'm glad you were able to talk so long to the woman at the shelter.

[Scarlett2008]

Dear Harbor,

My situation is far from simple and being NC is not a solution for now as we own a duplex together and he lives downstairs from me. I challenged my fear and spoke to him this morning. I'm really not saying that's the solution for you or anyone else, it's just that I need his signature to sell the house. I am also too poor to pay for a lawyer and too "rich" for legal aid.

[Elpis]

I read the article on the site about detaching from someone suffering from BPD, and it was really eye-opening. I had taken the words "Low Contact" and "No Contact" very literally, like, how much you will text with them etc. But the real meaning is much more about our learning to detach our feelings/emotions from them, in our practicing to pull back and not buy into their intimidation and bull.

I've been very fearful myself. But i'm learning about boundaries and how they are meant to protect me, so i'm slowly backing away emotionally, and as I see my uBPDh for the schoolyard bully he is he scares me less and I have far less reaction to his crap. At least the reaction is lasting for much less time, and i'm able to tell myself the truth sooner.

As long as we believe that our safety lies in the hands of another we won't recognize how our safety is in our own hands and actions and responses. It's so hard! but i'm trying to learn this. Then when I get his craziness of 9 calls in a row without stopping, without leaving a message until the last, I can tell myself the truth--"this is just him trying to get a response. It's childish and I will not respond." Finally when he texted I responded but very blandly, nothing he could grab onto and start a fight about.

IT'S INCREDIBLY HARD! I know this so well. It's practice like everything else... .

Scarlett, that was amazing that you were able to talk to him. You know so much more now than you did, so it will get easier in time, I promise. One thing I've learned is that I can't really talk to my uBPDh (who i'm separated from) for more than 20 minutes, because he will start in on the old stuff and I feel the FOG descending. That's how i'm learning to keep myself safe, minimize my time with him and becoming more bland in my responses. It takes time.

Harbour, You'll get there. As you start learning that he's a bully and you can see more clearly what the things are he uses to try to intimidate, you'll get stronger. You will, it's a process.

Here's that article I read--the right hand side commentary on the article is great for clarifying the truth of this and helped me make sense of it. These things are how we learn to be the one in charge of our choices to be safe--

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

We're all gonna come out of this stronger, we really are.