Girlfriend with BPD, I don't know what to do

[ForeverOptimism]

Hello everyone,

First post for me here :-).

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now, she was diagnosed with BPD at age 18 (22 now). However she has been quite proactive in helping herself, going to therapy and group sessions (she is also a rape victim and went to group sessions for that).

Between the moment I met her and today, she has done tremendous progress in many aspects of her disorder. She never used to be able to admit to wrongdoings, always deflecting with lies or accusations, and now is able to come clean with me. She is able to take compliments, accept constructive criticism (to a certain extent) ect. It's been fascinating and incredibly exciting to see her improve (and so quickly). I recognize that she is a very rare case and her progress is incredible, I'm very proud of her and I remind her often of that.

However recently I began to fall for someone else, a "non", and after months of blocking my feelings for her, I had to come to terms with the fact that I really like her. I couldn't avoid her, she's a colleague of mine.

The emotional roller coaster of dating my girlfriend took a toll on my ability to feel for her. Sometimes I can't help but resent her disorder for a lot of pain she's caused me despite the fact that I understand that her actions were never ill-intentioned but rather coping mechanisms. I find myself questioning our future more often than I should.  My emotional stamina is not as infinite as I thought it would be.

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid leaving my girlfriend may undo much of her progress (she has NO support circle, no family and no friends). I feel like I don't have a "good enough" reason to leave her. I fear that a sudden unexpected abandonment will confuse her and discourage her to keep improving.

I don't know whether I will be able to get over a lot of the things we went through. She never cheated or anything like that (to my knowledge), but it was more along the lines of emotional manipulation. I don't have the same optimism regarding our future as I used to.

Help.

[Surg_Bear]

I feel like I don't have a "good enough" reason to leave her.

This is the story of my past 3 months.

I've read your post.  I am struck by a couple things- your gf may, in fact be a rare case- she may be plowing through all of the steps to achieve wholeness by undoing the traps of her past traumas.  Given she is only in her early 20's, I find this VERY hard to believe.  I don't think this is possible.

And you don't either- by saying that there is a real possibility that she will decompensate if you leave her, you are, in fact, saying that you believe the changes she is experiencing in her world are paper thin and and sturdy as spider webs.  The progress she is making- as a 22 year old woman in therapy and group sessions- is only as good as her ability to mirror what people expect of her.  An abandonment will - with certainty - cause her to crash down and show her true colors to you again.

If your heart is with someone else now, you are not being fair to anyone.  You are being absolutely cruel to your BPDgf, by stringing her along, making her jump through hoops to be "better for you." If you want to be with the other woman, be a man, and do it- cut your losses, and get out.

If the other woman is not worth the hurt you'd cause, then be a man, and cut it off with the other woman.  Avoid her at all costs.  Convince yourself she is ridden with herpes, chlamydia, and HIV.  Do anything to remove the temptation.

It sounds like you want cake and eat it too.  Make a choice and believe in it.  It's MUCH harder to do anything when you realize you haven't gotten your cake, despite 25 years of marriage and 2 kids to raise.

Surg_Bear