Was it the Grand finale?

[UnforgivenII]

The last thing that happened (see my topic "I fed the beast" where I lost all my dignity and he told me it could not work because of all my fault. Was it the Grand finale texts speak about? Is he done now? How do I know? I think it is impossible to be more shattered than I am now. He should be satisfied by now

[earlgrey]

Is he done now?

I would guess not, and here's why.

The headiest nectar... .power. (see Kathy Krajco)

If your SO has a little bit of narcissism running about with the BPD he might well feel good by getting what he wants, if the by-product is you feeling cr@p, well that's just the way it goes.

What can you do to prevent him from doing it all over again?

[gotbushels]

Well it's never "all your fault" UnforgivenII, so I don't really see how that leads to you losing all your dignity.    Of course, it's difficult when people we have grown to trust can make us feel this way about ourselves. This is hard. What sort of things can we do to be kind to ourselves during times like this?

[UnforgivenII]

I had already blocked him everywhere. But it was me. I broke NC after 18 days. I must stick to it this time.
Some NPD traits? I see so many... .so many.
I am going on therapy on Monday. I try to have rest.
I try to go through this agony.

[woundedPhoenix]

It's probably never gonna be the Grand Finale.

Or that's what i predict in my situation. It's not because you are devalued that their attachment is gone completely. Or that you may not have to offer something they need, a feeling of power, control or right out narcistic supply.

They may at times reflect back and start to feel again for you, cause devaluation is more like rationalization and repression of feelings then processing them really.
That's also the reason they can move on so fast and then recycle later on.
They don't go through the 5 stages of grief, they immediately jump to the anger stage, and get stuck there... .so it never really gets processed.

That's why they may start longing for you again once they are past the honeymoon phase with a replacement, or when they are faced with loneliness or a crisis.

Yet when they do come back into your life, and want to reconnect, nothing is processed, and you will soon land back where you left off.

I spent months in this limbo of devaluation and subsequent recycling. And everytime i gave in and came close i was pushed away again.
I felt just as weak and ashamed as you do. Having your hearth and hopes crushed, while knowing exactly that would happen... .

Still don't know whether this was her BPD dynamic playing or that it was more a narcistic dynamic of "Schadenfreude".
She told me she is afraid to feel and open up again, cause she fears her own life if she feels again.

[Moselle]

Unforgiven,

I believe the grand finale is when we say it is.

I know we have preconditioned susceptibility to narcissistic and BPD abuse, however the more I recover, there more I realise I allowed it to play on my mind, and the less I allow it.

I hope one day to have my grand finale when she rages or manipulates and my heartbeat and emotions remain exactly the same.

[gotbushels]

Yes, you're right. This time it was you. But if you can step back and see the two sets of behaviours requiring two people, not all the blame belongs to you. If you're trying to use the pain to strengthen your resolve, it might help you to know that you can be responsible for a lot of what goes in this time, but you don't have to take a lot of the blame for it.

You're trying your best to be healthy. That's responsible behaviour, but not something you blame someone for. Yes, you had a role to play in some of the destructive parts of the relationship (that's not really responsible) but it's something you're more likely to blame yourself for.

If you don't need to bear the pain of unnecessary blame then you can see that he had some role to play in putting you where you are today--struggling. You can call that pedantic, but it can also be exercising more self-compassion in healing.

You're moving forward, and that's okay. Take it little steps at a time. If you bite off more than you can chew, you may choke. That's no fun--even for the juiciest, highest-grade steak.

[Zinnia21]

I know that feeling of being blamed as they are dismantling everything and running out the door. There's no wrong or right way to respond to this crazy making behaviour.
I've been thinking about the feelings = facts for pw BPD theory.
To deal with their ill feelings in the world, they create a 'fact' which validates why they are feeling so awful. The 'fact' can be a twisted truth, an exaggeration, or a totally made up thing. As long as it matches how bad they feel already, it doesn't matter to them. It comes out as blaming another a person, a person who loves them and cares for them.
How can we bear this?
Just know that there is always something they can think of when in blaming mode! Maybe even, "this could never work for us because your favourite colour is green".
Or more truthfully... ."this could never work for us, because I have huge trust issues and can't deal with the intensity of my emotions, so i am passing them onto you and then leaving you... "

[UnforgivenII]

He even told me to go with another man. I read the Grand finale is about burning bridges... .


Thank you all for your mercy and your words.

[married21years]

He even told me to go with another man. I read the Grand finale is about burning bridges... .


Thank you all for your mercy and your words.

 

hey bud chin up you are on the right path.

i had the move on find someone else, she even edited my profile to help me when  we first split. wanted me to find happiness

so i did and all hell broke loose when i meet someone. suddenly she loved me needed me.

whilst behind my back she was destroying my reputation telling everyone that i had suddenly left her for another woman and abandoned her penniless.

it was a serious What the heck moment and my co dependency kicked in to rescue her.

but i was in fact set up.   

[once removed]

hi UnforgivenII,

id tread carefully with what you read on the internet. no two relationships are the same, no two people with BPD are the same, and while certain behaviors can become predictable over time, its pretty hard to apply an internet article and read the future.

what are your goals? do you want to reconnect?

[StayStrongNow]

It's probably never gonna be the Grand Finale... .

They don't go through the 5 stages of grief, they immediately jump to the anger stage, and get stuck there... .so it never really gets processed.

That's why they may start longing for you again once they are past the honeymoon phase with a replacement, or when they are faced with loneliness or a crisis.

woundedPhoenix, thank you for this post. Right now things are getting worse financially, not so much regarding the stbxBPDw pertaining to the dead love r/s, the replacement is now slatted to be her next husband. No finale is in sight, through her lawyer she wants more and more and my attorney has basically quit almost at the finish line. So misery abounds and I agree there will be no finale, just different.

Thank you for the quote, I am sort of expecting her return but with your quote (copied in my notes on my iPhone like so many others and reread many times) will help my morale and logical compass stay on course. And of course this living he$l she is putting me through will never be forgotten.

Thank you all for all of your posts, you help me so much where it seems there is no where else to turn to now.