Go with another man

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

These words are literally torturing me. Go with another man. The thought of me with another man does not affect him at all'. I was and I am nothing to him. Nothing.

I want on a date as I wrote after these words. A decente kind man. No magnetism. My therapist told me with normale people there is not that magnetic energy. But I felt safe.

I do not want be tortured by his words anymore. What Can I do?

[UnforgivenII]

These words are literally torturing me. Go with another man. The thought of me with another man does not affect him at all'. I was and I am nothing to him. Nothing.

I want on a date as I wrote after these words. A decente kind man. No magnetism. My therapist told me with normale people there is not that magnetic energy. But I felt safe.

I do not want be tortured by his words anymore. What Can I do?

[fromheeltoheal]

I do not want be tortured by his words anymore. What Can I do?

Not listen to them?

My ex would bounce from one guy to another and act as if she was over the previous one immediately.  But for her it wasn't an act, it was a necessity, because she has a personality disorder that prevents her from feeling all the way through a loss and processing, plus she needs an attachment to survive, so forward to the next one.

So it follows if he's wired that way, and that works for him, that it should work for you too.  But those of us without personality disorders, those of us who haven't developed the ability to completely split things black and white and warp reality to live with ourselves, because we haven't had the necessity, can't just do that, and it's not the healthy way anyway.  So is there a way to not hear those hurtful words?

[patientandclear]

The BPD person in my life similarly urged me that when another man loved me I would feel better and then he and I could be friends. For what it's worth, I think this came from him feeling somewhat badly about the harm he'd done to me, and wanting to feel better. He was seeing other people, and it would make make him feel a bit less guilty if I were too.

It may not be as simple as "you mean nothing."

[married21years]

she wanted me to see someone else to remove her guilt about her infidelity

its all about them and they are toxic.

remove the toxic in your life

[hurting300]

These words are literally torturing me. Go with another man. The thought of me with another man does not affect him at all'. I was and I am nothing to him. Nothing.

I want on a date as I wrote after these words. A decente kind man. No magnetism. My therapist told me with normale people there is not that magnetic energy. But I felt safe.

I do not want be tortured by his words anymore. What Can I do?

If you care so little to date another man then why are you still worried about your ex and what he might think? I believe you are going down a mentally dangerous road here.

[rj47]

I want on a date as I wrote after these words. A decente kind man. No magnetism. My therapist told me with normale people there is not that magnetic energy. But I felt safe.

I do not want be tortured by his words anymore. What Can I do?

Find a new therapist. And find a replacement for him... .keep dating.

No magnetism with normal people? Bullsquat! What is normal?

During the course of attempting to finish me off after 15-years of emotional rape and abuse, and, while she was trying out various replacements I ended up replacing her (without intending to and quite by accident). In hindsight I'm grateful for the time we had together. I'd have never met the very un-normal, beautiful, magnetic, passionate woman that has become the love of my life. There were also the lessons learned through the years of pain and despair that I'm grateful for. I'll never take for granted the brilliantly simple beauty of what a normal and healthy relationship should be.

Everyone's normal coming out of a long-term dysfunctional r/s is going to be different. You might be surprised what shape it takes.

Don't give up. Lightning can strike from almost anywhere.

[Turkish]

she wanted me to see someone else to remove her guilt about her infidelity

its all about them and they are toxic.

remove the toxic in your life

Is this helpful,  m21y? Many members here are still attached, looking for answers,  and are in emotional pain.  If it were so obvious,  no one would be here. 

Unforgiven II,

Months before she started cheating,  my ex told me that she wouldn't mind if I had an affair,  as long as she never found out about it.  As confusing as it was coming from someone who was almost paranoid about me cheating, I finally figured out that her feelings weren't about me. With often shallow and self centered emotions,  and pwBPD seems often unaware of how hurtful their words can be. 

[married21years]

this is the detaching board.

it is helpful, a lot of members are in denial. i was. only when i knew the truth was i able to realize this and get out of denial.

when i realized a lot of pwBPD cheat did i investigate and find the truth.

even when caught she proceeded to lie.

only when i knew the truth was i truly able to detach.

all i have done is describe my experience and it is up to the original poster.

many books describe the person with BPD as toxic.

so unforgivenII what do you think? 

[Moselle]

Don't give up. Lightning can strike from almost anywhere.

Gary Player once said, "The more I practice the luckier I get". Taken in this context, I also believe Iightning can strike from almost anywhere. However when the Iightning we seek is a healthy relationship, it is often built on a solid foundation of genuine self love and compassion built up the old fashioned way - one brick at a time.  

And healthy magnetism is based around respect, love, kindness, and intimacy (verbal, intellectual, emotional and physical), rather than the BPD magnetism of intensity and drama.

[married21years]

what they said ^ +1 

[Stripey77]

Interesting.  When my ex dumped me for the 2nd time, telling me that 'we don't work because I know how much you love me and my feelings will never be as strong' I actually specifically asked him if I should find someone else.  His answer? "No". (Not that this would stop me if someone amazing came along, by the way.)

He came back.

He's gone again ... .for now. I do often wonder how on earth he would react if he saw me with someone else (which is not on the immediate horizon for the simple reason that I haven't met anyone I feel anything like as much for, yet) Everyone who has ever seen us together says it won't be pretty, that's for sure. Although my ex has told me on more than one occasion to forget him and hate him, to disappear from his life because he's evil, (that's the latest one) that he doesn't deserve me... .he has yet to have told me specifically to find someone else.  I can imagine your dismay at hearing those words.

However, I agree with other posters who have commented that this may not be about you being nothing to him. Try to remember that everything our BPDs do is NOT about us, it's about them. In the case of my ex, it has become crystal clear that there is a lack of self worth, of deserving, about him. Do you think that's possible with yours? Obviously they are all different, we are dealing with individuals, not robots, but it's just a thought. When my ex pushes me away, since the first time he broke up with me when it was all things about me and my fault, it's been an almost continuous theme of him not deserving me etc. etc. I believe he really believes this.

Your ex may even think he's doing you a favour... .

[Moselle]

Your ex may even think he's doing you a favour... .

I agree. In rare lucid moments they know who they are. And they feel remorse for those short moments. Unfortunately the darkness converges again  and we become the target of their projections

[Stripey77]

Hi Moselle;

Absolutely, in the case of my ex, there are moments of profound lucidity. He has 'traits' of BPD, but certainly not all of them. In our recent reconnection, before he went ST on me again, he said this to me - and this is almost verbatim:

"When I was with you I enjoyed every single moment. I was so so happy. But then a darkness took over my brain. The problem is in my brain. No guilt, no guilt... .I hope you know that."

By guilt, he means fault on my part - English is not his mother tongue.

This one thing he said to me has offered me more comfort and reassurance than anything else that has gone before, or since. It really is in his head. He knows it but he doesn't know what it is. Hence why I am able to feel pity despite my own horrific emotional pain. This little speech was delivered as part of an hour long heart to heart in which he was for the most part trying to tell me off for something (long story.) Then all of a sudden, this moment of profound clarity, right in the middle of it all.

So yes, I think in my case at least, my ex genuinely thinks he's doing me a favour, and it could be the same for others here.

[gotbushels]

I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes during this stage of the process, but whether the words torture you is mostly up to you. His words cannot actually do this to you automatically. I encourage you to think about it. The first step can also be to accept (not consent) what such statements by him do to you. If you can start acknowledging that, then you can start improving where you are. 

[married21years]

I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes during this stage of the process, but whether the words torture you is mostly up to you. His words cannot actually do this to you automatically. I encourage you to think about it. The first step can also be to accept (not consent) what such statements by him do to you. If you can start acknowledging that, then you can start improving where you are. 

he's right. you give these statements weight. but the are from a disordered mind. why should you accept advice or criticism from someone so emotionally weak.

would you accept financial advice from Bernie Madeoff. so why give this flawed persons view any weight or credence.