Well let the parade of “justice system is so broken” posts begin...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex gets out January 8th on good behavior. “You managed to not hit another inmate - gold star!” 

I keep waiting for these things to not upset me so much, I’m just not there yet. Essentially 9 months actually means 6. Thank god I didn’t roll over and agree to 6, he would have walked out of court that day!

Boo. Just boo... .

Lala

[Lalathegreat]

My ex gets out January 8th on good behavior. “You managed to not hit another inmate - gold star!” 

I keep waiting for these things to not upset me so much, I’m just not there yet. Essentially 9 months actually means 6. Thank god I didn’t roll over and agree to 6, he would have walked out of court that day!

Boo. Just boo... .

Lala

[hope2727]

Oh Lala I am so so sorry. It is just so ... .well unjust. I was thinking of you yesterday. What occurred to me is that your  courage will actually protect the next person more than yourself. Your ex will undoubtedly do something like this again. It is an escalating pattern in abusers. So typically they become more violent not less. Your bravery will permanently be on his record. The next act of violence will be viewed much more seriously. I know this is absolutely no comfort to you and is totally unjust. I also know it is really sad and scary to think that he will do this again. But when he does if the next victim is ½ as brave as you he will be on record as a violent offender.

Ok well thats all I have for insight tonight. I can tell you that I didn't pursue charges against my ex. I totally could have. Lots of evidence and witnesses. I just was to sick and exhausted to deal with all the trauma. I have regretted it every day since. You are my hero. Thanks for setting a far better example than I did. 

[Lalathegreat]

I was thinking about why his statement regarding the incident bothered me so much (the one where he says I showed up unexpectedly and started an argument causing him to lose his temper and strike me one time) and I think I finally was able to bottom line it for myself.

Yes, I’m mad that he’s smearing MY reputation and trying to make me look like the unstable, crazy one. Yes I’m mad that he’s throwing me under the bus. But the hardest part is that it proves to me that he will not change. I had held a glimmer of hope that having SOME consequence this time would jar him into taking his mental illness more seriously.

Initially I was not given a lot of choice in the matter - charges were filed before I was even contacted, and I’m grateful for that because I’m not sure I was in any state to be making those decisions. I’m so sorry you were put in that position. I find it to be incredibly unfair.

But yeah - I had hoped that if this scared him a little he would really make an effort in therapy and have some tools going into his next relationship. I was hoping that this might make him SAFER. Unfortunately, after reading that statement, I have NO DOUBT he will assault another woman, it’s only a matter of when. And when that does happen, at least all THIS will be on the record.

Thank you for the reminder that even if it’s not even a little close to “enough” it’s not all for naught either. 

Lala

[formflier]

Yes, I’m mad that he’s smearing MY reputation and trying to make me look like the unstable, crazy one. Yes I’m mad that he’s throwing me under the bus. But the hardest part is that it proves to me that he will not change. 

There are ways to turn anger into action, legally speaking.  In criminal civil, one of the things I've had to do is "broaden" my view of what justice is.  It's almost like having to be OK with a consolation prize.

I would encourage you when you find stuff like this out to be deliberate and specific about being extra kind to yourself.  For instance, I had to spend several hours yesterday writing details about some painful memories about an entity that smeared my reputation, personally and professionally.  After it was all over I went to a favorite restaurant and enjoyed a slower pace of life for a few hours.

Sort of me saying "I am worth it... "

 
I would modify your statement to say he will not change until he "has to".  Consequences.


FF

[flourdust]

Do you have any kind of restraining order against him? If he decides to contact you in ANY way, I'd report it immediately -- and it would be great to have an order that bars him from so much as texting you an emoji.

[formflier]

 
I'm pretty sure she does have a "criminal no contact order".  That being said, I would leave it up to Ls to handle "turning him in" if it ever comes to pass that she has to use that order.  The thought is that there is a nuclear response, to a slight crossing of a boundary... .I agree... even an emoji.

An L would know how to go about that... .

FF

[coworkerfriend]

Lala - I can't tell you how sorry I am for all you have gone through.  You are a beautiful, strong woman and it is beyond unfair what you have had to endure.

The justice system failed.  It is horrifying that such a traumatic situation still did nothing to change him - to make him face any sort of consequences.  I totally understand holding to that tiny glimmer of hope and the devastation when you realize its gone. 

I think of you often and hope that you know that I am here for you as you continue on your journey of recovery.   

[PeteWitsend]

LALA - I've followed your story here.  this is a bummer.

While I was reading your statement though, I was thinking to myself, "I hope she included photographic evidence of her injuries."

not sure if you did or not, but I'm familiar with some cases where that made a big difference at trial or sentencing. 

what you described was painful and hard to read, but sometimes those jaded by the legal system (including judges) can get used to hearing medical jargon and thinking "it always sounds worse than it is."  But if they were to see visually what you went through... .it's a different story. 

again, sorry. 

side note:  6 months in jail for aggravated battery actually isn't shocking to me though.  I was expecting a lot less from the thread title.  Sadly our legal system and Our society as a whole doesn't treat violence like this as seriously as it should.  this wasn't a drunken bar brawl... .this was a brutal and premeditated assault.