Breaking up again with no talking

[BeardedRadical]

Posted here a week or so ago, you can see what was up then here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343471.msg13103227#msg13103227.

We're all quarantined right now, self-imposed. My pwBPD and I aren't sick, just playing it safe. Yesterday was a normal Sunday, by most accounts. We both went about our day. She was stressed and emotionally frayed because of the prospect of not being able to go to the gym - so she was constantly seeking assurance from me over that.

Regardless, I was productive. I did some work for my classes (I'm an adjunct professor) and house chores that were necessary. I had a few moments where I just let myself relax and dink around on the computer. Near the end of the night we watched the Democratic debate and talked about it. Around 11 PM, after all of this, I get ready to smoke a bowl and settle down for the night...

That was my mistake, I guess. She asks me "why" I'm doing that. Then says "nevermind" and tells me not to talk to her about it. Now I feel unfairly judged (she has a drinking problem / goes out every week or so / stays out late / harrasses me when drunk) and ask her why she had to do that. She starts threatening me a fight if I don't shut up. I point out to her that it's not ok to just judge me, make me feel bad, and then duck from the issue without actually telling me why it's an issue for her.

In the past she's said it's because she finds it gross (she was a daily smoker when we first started dating though?), that it means I'm lazy, unproductive, etc. That she doesn't respect people who smoke. All laughable. I've always smoked throughout this entire relationship. Only recently does she make it a problem, and only after she's had to try and get her drinking under control. Drinking which I, by the way, try and help her find ways to do so healthily (drinking within limit, only going to bars, etc.). I don't like her drinking. I've never looked at her in disgust and judged her silently for it.

Anyway... I stepped over bounds, vented my frustration at her (told her she's being disrespectful to me acting this way), and she broke up with me again. Says she doesn't love me. That I need to find a roommate. That I don't respect her, etc. That was last night, and I went for a walk right after that incident. Came back and slept on the couch, no conversation. As of right now today we still haven't talked, and I've not pushed it.

I feel... numb? I have passing moments of sadness. They last a few seconds. Wouldn't say I'm necessarily happy either. Feeling kind of alone, but somewhat ok with that. Trying to figure myself out right now, but can't help but also think that I'm probably repressing a lot at the moment too. Just meh... stuck in a studio apartment with her on a lease that ends in August. I love her. I want her. She keeps pushing me away like this and telling me she doesn't love me, which is hard. So I'm numb about it at this point.

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[once removed]

the two of you have some significant differences in values, and boundaries.

the two of you also have some significant differences over how you communicate them.

in some ways, the pot, and the drinking are big issues that the two of you disagree about. on the other hand, and in this case, it may not be about those things, specifically.

for example, maybe she saw you smoking a bowl as disproportionate to the stress shes feeling right now. she made a snide remark, and you took her to task over it, and the two of you broke up. it might have been a time to blow her off. it might have been a time to ask questions and listen.

thats where resolving the differences between the two of you ultimately lies: understanding each other, working it out, and some level of open mindedness. people are open to things in the beginning of a relationship, and sometimes that changes shortly after, or long after.

open those lines of communication. primarily, listen.

[BeardedRadical]

open those lines of communication. primarily, listen.

I hear you... problem is, I feel I did that from the start last night - although the way I wrote it maybe doesn't make it sound that way. When she became upset and cold with me was when I was preparing to smoke. Before I even went through with it, I sat there in silence for a few as she walked around (we live in a studio). I asked her why this makes her upset and why she has to make me feel bad for doing what I see as a small thing like drinking a beer or something. My tolerance is such that this won't make me weird, I'll feel a slight buzz, and lay down to sleep. She goes out sometimes to drink, which I honestly don't like, but I tell her to have fun, be safe, remember what we've talked about, and not to drink and drive. I don't sit back and coldly judge her. I give her space to be her.

Well, her response to that question ("why does this make you mad," and "why judge me like that") was that if I didn't shut up I would be responsible for a big fight I would regret. I don't get how I'm supposed to listen in that instance. So... she's judging me, trying to make me feel bad, and then threatens to yell at me if I don't accept this situation. I can smoke, feel bad and risk her flinging insults at me after I have (she's done this in the past), or I can not smoke and accept that she's going to be cold with me for the rest of the night and maybe not even come to bed. In essence, she's put me in a situation where she's going to be mad regardless and my choice is whether or not I let her control my behavior or not by shaming me.

When I do listen to her on this issue, she never gives me a concrete reason as to why she hates it. I only smoke at night before bed when I do, maybe half of the week. She claims it's a sign of laziness, disgusting people, etc., while also claiming she doesn't mean that's what she thinks of me. Sure, she's called me a "f**king stoner" and the like when I do in the past week. Still denies she's attacking my character here. This only became an issue once she started to feel she needed to control her drinking (spends entire day afterwards unable to do much from hangover / was sexually assaulted at a party when too drunk). Nevermind that I teach three full load college classes, at two different schools, and do the majority (90%+) of our house chores when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our animals. Somehow my smoking is enough to justify treating me with clear resentment.

Talking with my therapist, she doesn't think this is reasonable either and that I shouldn't be trying to stop smoking just for her on this basis. My pwBPD probably cycles with me every day or so. There were moments earlier in the same day where I let things fly and was neutral in response. Crux of the issue though is, she won't talk to me. There's nothing for me to listen to beyond what I've already described here. I'm just a bad person for doing this, and she gets to judge me. If I voice that I don't like her going out drinking until 3-4 AM I'm a controlling asshole.

Just venting now. I hear you. Problem for me is she doesn't want to do that. And when she does finally talk to me, it's very hard to see how what she is saying actually corresponds to the reality of my life. She acts like I'm this huge burden on her, when in reality I'm the one doing all the labor in this relationship. What she ultimately wants is that I give up smoking entirely, while she gets to continue drinking in a "controlled" manner. She turned it into tit-for-tat, and an unequal one at that.

Not sure it matters at this point :/ yesterday she went who knows where and didn't return until late (I was asleep so I don't know, but it was after 2 AM). Still isn't talking or acknowledging me. I'm leaving that ball in her court. But it's been two days now, and we live in a 1000 or so square foot studio. Very awkward.

[BeardedRadical]

in some ways, the pot, and the drinking are big issues that the two of you disagree about. on the other hand, and in this case, it may not be about those things, specifically.

I think this is the issue. I can live with her drinking as long as she controls it and doesn't come home to harass and verbally abuse me. If I'm smoking I don't do anything to harm her - at least, not that she has communicated to me. It doesn't even seem to be an issue of emotional connection. That's not what she brings up when I get her to talk about it.

I too think this is bigger than those specific issues. I think what it comes down to is that I may be at the end of being discarded, and she's realizing more and more she'd rather just not be with me cause there are others she can do what she wants around.

In a way, I'm coming to similar conclusions. I try very hard every day to be there for her, reassure her of whatever she needs (she'll accuse me of being mad or not loving her often/daily), while also keeping my own stuff together. However, it's not reciprocated. I can't ask any questions or show any concern over something, or I risk a fight and her yelling. I love her. All of this really pains me. But she really wears me down with all of this. It doesn't help that I'm out here alone with her (east coast, all my friends are out west).

So, I don't know. Looks like we're broken up. This is the longest she's gone without talking to me and trying to reestablish connection. I don't feel like I can or should make this attempt either.