Compassion vs. Contempt - point of no return?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I feel that I've hit a point of no return with my BPDw, that no matter how much compassion I can have towards her condition that she didn't ask for, I cannot get past my contempt for her and how mine and my children's lives have been negatively affected by her behavior.

I can tell myself 100 times in the next few minutes that "It's not her fault.  She is sick.  She didn't ask for this.  She is lashing out due to inner pain.  She is projecting.  How different would I be if I suffered her horrible childhood?"  Yet after all that I'll always go back to "What a miserable monster."

Do many of you struggle with this attempt to be genuinely compassionate or have you let your compassion be beaten into the dirt to where it is barely recognizable?  I feel bad feeling and thinking this way, but yet this is where I'm at.

[HopefulDad]

I feel that I've hit a point of no return with my BPDw, that no matter how much compassion I can have towards her condition that she didn't ask for, I cannot get past my contempt for her and how mine and my children's lives have been negatively affected by her behavior.

I can tell myself 100 times in the next few minutes that "It's not her fault.  She is sick.  She didn't ask for this.  She is lashing out due to inner pain.  She is projecting.  How different would I be if I suffered her horrible childhood?"  Yet after all that I'll always go back to "What a miserable monster."

Do many of you struggle with this attempt to be genuinely compassionate or have you let your compassion be beaten into the dirt to where it is barely recognizable?  I feel bad feeling and thinking this way, but yet this is where I'm at.

[enlighten me]

There comes a point when enough is enough. No one blames you for feeling how you do. I came to the point with my exgf that for my own sanity I had to get out.

I didn't know she had BPD all I knew is I was tired of being her whipping boy and walking on eggshells.

I think if I had known I would have stayed longer and eventually gone down the same route as her ex husband being treated for depression and dosed up to the eyeballs on anti depressants.

[vortex of confusion]

At the moment, I am committed to staying with my spouse but I know that feeling all too well. I don't know if he is BPD or what. I just know that I have been living with a childish sex addict for the last 16 years. The more I read here and think and process things, the more I feel complete hatred and disgust for my spouse. He may not have asked for his condition but I didn't ask for it either. I feel like I was brutally honest with him about all of my quirks and oddities before we got married. I didn't want to fool anybody. He is the one that had a sex addiction before we got married but never ever let on. He is the one that seems to change on a whim. One day he is bisexual and wants an open marriage and the next day he is straight and wants to be totally monogamous. I didn't ask for this crap at all.

But, we have 4 awesome kids together so I am trying to find my way to being compassionate and am trying to participate and read on the staying board to help me get back to that place of feeling compassionate towards him.

[forget-me-not]

You are not a alone with this thought.

I struggled for a year with the techniques on this forum , and  near the end went to counseling because my uBPDbf said there was something wrong with me and I need help.

The counselor cleared it up for me in one session with this:

" What makes you think you deserve to be in an abusive relationship? Because you KNOW that's what this is."

I justified and explained the horrific behavior because I couldn't admit that it was beyond my power to fix.

Once after one of his rages over nothing, I told him one day he'd beat me down to the point where I wouldn't want to get up and fight any more.

This is exactly what happened in July. He discarded me viciously, and wanted me to "show him something" ie: let him know I'm willing to apologize and stick around for more .

I told him I was sorry but I had nothing more left in me.

Vortex, there is no telling when you will reach your own point of no return.

I couldn't have predicted mine exactly.

All I can say is that you will know when it comes.

Peace to you.

[goateeki]

Agree.  Reached the PONR last night when I was excoriated for an hour in MC, with the MC unable to do anything productive.  The reason?  I wanted to take the kids to Disney for Thanksgiving. 

This, to me, is the opposite of sanity and health and I am now far more focused on modeling a healthy M/F adult relationship for my school age children than remaining in this marriage.  Strangely, I have reached the point where I believe that divorce is the best thing for the children, and undoubtedly for me, as well.

[Gimme Peace]

I am quickly approaching this point too. 16 years of marriage and last week he wrote a letter saying this relationship is done and he needs it to end. The reason? I questioned him about never wanting sex and told him I knew he was watching a lot of porn. He flipped on a dime and refused to discuss it. Total stonewall/silent treatment. I accepted this and told him it was time to go. He packed and left then I locked the door. He came back, broke the door down, picked up a knife and said he was going to kill himself. I called 911 and they responded then took him away for counseling. He had to go out of town for a few days then begged to come back home.

Now he is very remorseful and "loves me more than ever" and "wants it to work out". I can't afford this place by myself so I'm looking for a new place. He is being very sweet right now, but I know its just because he's scared. I've been painted black so many times, I know those are his real feelings. During his dysregs, he often tells me that he "constantly lies to me".  So I know I can't believe anything he says... .Including that he really loves me. I know that he is BPD/NPD at the core and there is only room for one.


I hope soo much this is nearing the end. I just don't feel sorry for him anymore and have zero trust. A part of me will always love him, but there is much more contempt than love at this point.

[goateeki]

An update on this unbearable situation, and how debasing it is to be compelled to read meaning into things that are normally meaningless.

I thought I'd had it after 30 minutes of character assassination in MC (Oh god, not Disney! -- That's like going to Syria!).  Well, the following day I said screw it, I'm sick of sleeping on a cot the last five months, and gently asked if I could take the marital bed while she took the next five months on the cot in the spare bedroom. She agreed.

Flash back to August 1 of this year, by which time she had exclusively occupied the bedroom for 4 plus months.  On that date she removed my items from the top of my dresser and replaced them with framed photos of her family, telling me "I'm surrounding myself with things that make me happy." I made nothing of it, other than thinking it was unusual and perhaps not a good sign. 

Back to the day earlier this week when I moved back into our bedroom and she vacated it for the cot in the spare bedroom.  I placed my needed items (box with cufflinks, watch, collar stays, vitamins, the damned SSRI I have to take to endure this experience, car keys, a few books) on top of my dresser after gently removing her framed pictures and neatly stacking them on the floor next to the dresser.  That evening, I placed the book I am reading, my wallet, phone and meds on the nearly empty nightstand next to the bed. 

The following morning she was at the gym at 5:45 am.  I woke up the kids, started to get them ready for school, and took my shower.  I finished my shower.  By then, she had returned.

I walked from the bathroom to the bedroom (it used to be ours, but now she calls it "my bedroom".  She had taken the items that I'd placed on the nightstand, scattered them across the bed, placed a picture of her and her best friend on the nightstand (obviously facing the bed), and placed the two others on her dresser, also facing the bed. 

What happened after that isn't really relevant, though it did involve her selling furniture on Craigslist, removing the nightstand from the bedroom, and building her own bedroom in the spare. 

She's been advised that I have an appointment with a matrimonial lawyer tomorrow at 3:30 pm.  I asked her if we "are in the same place on the marriage" and she said "yes."

So what's happening today? Talked to her once about what I wanted to do with the kids on the weekend, and her end of the conversation was conducted in the sweetest "come hither" voice I've heard in years.  After that -- and after admonishing me never text her, even if it's to point out what a beautiful day it is -- I get texts on the most mundane matters, like a voice mail at home advising that an appointment has been confirmed. 

I know that this is a ploy, that it's fear of abandonment, that it's fear of the imminent crash of reality at her door, and yet there is a part of me that cannot help but think of her as a wounded bird. Why are these people so good at this, and how do we stop the natural, evolutionary response -- a desire to stop her hurt?  It's like we have to deny our best human instincts to survive a relationship like this one. And now I am reconsidering initiating a divorce, which is probably exactly what she wants to achieve.

Here's the larger question -- just how pathological is the behavior in the bedroom, with the throwing of my items across the bed, moving her pictures into place, etc.? To me, this is something that people stop doing at age 13.  It's not the first time physical acting out like this has occurred, either.

[pieceofme]

I can tell myself 100 times in the next few minutes that "It's not her fault.  She is sick.  She didn't ask for this.  She is lashing out due to inner pain.  She is projecting.  How different would I be if I suffered her horrible childhood?"  Yet after all that I'll always go back to "What a miserable monster."

i try and try and TRY to be compassionate and 'look the other way,' but often times i wonder if BPD is just an excuse for bad behavior. people don't destroy the ones they love.

[Tired_Dad]

My compassion ends the moment her anger begins. I work to not be mean, to stay as emotionally neutral as possible, and to work to dissipate whatever slight was caused by whover she had contact with so that my son and I can get on with our day not out of any deep concern for her.

I have compassion for her friends and family.

For her co-workers.

For the retail and service industry workers that she comes in contact with

and most of all for our son.

However direct compassion for her is difficult and leaves me vulnerable and as a target of her rage. I have found it is even unproductive to validate her feelings as I am not heard by her therefore she continues her cycle.

All I have that works is to try to slow down the flood of rage and emotions spilling out of her and try to find anything that she can focus on and change so that she can regain control of her emotions.

It hurts me deeply to notice my lack of compassion for her and my robotic response to her rage and irrational behavior but that is how I am protecting myself without surrendering who I am to her condition.

[nightmoves]

Tired Dad... .

INCREDIBLY well put.

I too am very very tired.

And after voraciously learning about BPD... .making sense of the past years... .and horrors... .

AND... .learning how BPD works... .how to cope... .how to support... .how to keep the "lid on" as best as is possible... .

I am too losing my will - and my compassion.

It seems that the non... .in this chaos... .has the burden of SO much.

It is like a prizefighter who has been told... ."go in there... .wear them out... .dance... .weave... .and if need be - just keep taking the punches... .they will eventually wear out and stop"

And- I realize that I must protect myself... .and can actually leave if it gets to crazy... .but in a family - that is not always even possible.

One cannot simply leave numerous times whenever the irrationality starts.

Anyway... .i can relate.

[swiftkick]

It is tough for me in this area too.  The compassion is what gets me charmed back in time and time again, then the contempt begins to grow, as he preaches about the importance of being self-aware, admonishing me and others close to us about their shortcomings in this area.  While I understand his need to do this comes from projecting, the irony never ceases to amaze me.