Triggered

[Depression = 72% of members]

Anytime I start to have a thought of goodwill toward my mom, an inkling of a personal desire to go LC, (not propelled by FOG) but by love… I replay this sentence in my head.

“ I can’t be just your mom, I am more than that, and if you cannot accept that….than I am sorry. I am never going to be just your mom.”

She has said this so many times to me as an adult I have lost count.
It was usually said defensively and somewhat in a cutting way toward motherhood as a whole. Like someone who is “just a mom” to their children is actually doing something "less than". Less than seeking truth or purpose or something I think she means. 

That’s how it tended to come across to me. And at the time (when we were speaking) I had a decent enough reply. I would validate that she of course was more than “just a mom.” And that I did not have an expectation that she be one.

But after all this time of  NC I feel like my heart goes back on that statement. I very much wish my own flesh and blood mother could be just a mom. That she would have had healthy examples and lavished me with all the tools to be self reliant, assertive, kind, warm and strong.

It’s everything I want to empower my own child with and this love of being a mother completely charges me with light and I am filled with awe at the duty of motherhood,  and the joy.

The hard truth is my mother is stunted. Behaving more like the child and needing validation from me at every turn.

Of course BPD diagnosed or undiagnosed does not make that hurt go away. And I do grieve again the mother I do not have.

The mother that I cannot ever experience no matter how many great women are in my life. Because they are not her.

And HER is who carried me in her womb... and the trigger of mother's day is so real.

 I have experienced peaks and valleys with rage, sadness, and joy this week. I know I am projecting negative feelings onto loving family because of the holiday.  My angry self wants to rage at people’s outpouring of love for moms and daughters right now. And to be honest i cried the hardest I have in a while trying to explain my anger to my H.

There is within me a white hot anger!
That I don't know who I am yet, that I don't know how to be confident... that I have been filled with fear for years and years and years!
that I am working so hard to be my own source of validation. In a perfect world my mother (and father) would have instilled in me a foundation of self-love and self-esteem.

I will learn to grow in assertiveness and self-love. I am on the path. I am learning. I will do this. Assertiveness and self-love!

The kind of self-love that is as strong as a secure mother’s love for her baby. ME to love ME.
What would it feel like to love myself that much?

[Imatter33]

Anytime I start to have a thought of goodwill toward my mom, an inkling of a personal desire to go LC, (not propelled by FOG) but by love… I replay this sentence in my head.

“ I can’t be just your mom, I am more than that, and if you cannot accept that….than I am sorry. I am never going to be just your mom.”

She has said this so many times to me as an adult I have lost count.
It was usually said defensively and somewhat in a cutting way toward motherhood as a whole. Like someone who is “just a mom” to their children is actually doing something "less than". Less than seeking truth or purpose or something I think she means. 

That’s how it tended to come across to me. And at the time (when we were speaking) I had a decent enough reply. I would validate that she of course was more than “just a mom.” And that I did not have an expectation that she be one.

But after all this time of  NC I feel like my heart goes back on that statement. I very much wish my own flesh and blood mother could be just a mom. That she would have had healthy examples and lavished me with all the tools to be self reliant, assertive, kind, warm and strong.

It’s everything I want to empower my own child with and this love of being a mother completely charges me with light and I am filled with awe at the duty of motherhood,  and the joy.

The hard truth is my mother is stunted. Behaving more like the child and needing validation from me at every turn.

Of course BPD diagnosed or undiagnosed does not make that hurt go away. And I do grieve again the mother I do not have.

The mother that I cannot ever experience no matter how many great women are in my life. Because they are not her.

And HER is who carried me in her womb... and the trigger of mother's day is so real.

 I have experienced peaks and valleys with rage, sadness, and joy this week. I know I am projecting negative feelings onto loving family because of the holiday.  My angry self wants to rage at people’s outpouring of love for moms and daughters right now. And to be honest i cried the hardest I have in a while trying to explain my anger to my H.

There is within me a white hot anger!
That I don't know who I am yet, that I don't know how to be confident... that I have been filled with fear for years and years and years!
that I am working so hard to be my own source of validation. In a perfect world my mother (and father) would have instilled in me a foundation of self-love and self-esteem.

I will learn to grow in assertiveness and self-love. I am on the path. I am learning. I will do this. Assertiveness and self-love!

The kind of self-love that is as strong as a secure mother’s love for her baby. ME to love ME.
What would it feel like to love myself that much?

[Methuen]

Hi Imatter
Mother's day is such a trigger.

“ I can’t be just your mom, I am more than that, and if you cannot accept that….than I am sorry. I am never going to be just your mom.”

Wow that is such a loaded statement.  FOG!
I'm probably way out in left field here, but I'm going to throw a different  idea out there: could it be that she wants you as her mutual best friend ("bosom bud") and confidant and "savior" and that's why she can't be "just your mom"?  Anything less from you would be a disappointment or failure in her mind?

I'm pretty sure I've been a disappointment to my uBPD mom.  I feel like she has often interpreted my "failures" towards her (impossible to achieve her expectations) as signs that I don't love her enough.  

Unlikely that fits your situation, but I'm sure there must be some kind of distorted/twisted thinking in that statement somewhere.

But after all this time of  NC I feel like my heart goes back on that statement. I very much wish my own flesh and blood mother could be just a mom. That she would have had healthy examples and lavished me with all the tools to be self reliant, assertive, kind, warm and strong.

Yes Imatter, that would be paradise.  So many others are so fortunate to have this, especially as mother's day approaches and reminds us what we (with BPD family members) don't have.  The way I see it, we have a choice.  We can stand at the fence, and keep looking at the green grass on the other side of that fence which we will never be able to enjoy.  How will that make us feel if that is all we want, and we keep looking at it, but we can never get to the other side?  Or, we can stand on our side of the fence, and instead look around us, and observe what we already do have on our side (not green grass, but maybe other things), and not even look at the other side of that fence.  I think I just finally gave up trying to get to the other side of the fence in exhaustion.  It finally hit me it just wasn't ever going to happen.  Once I accepted that, I was able to let go of some of the expectations I desired of my mother.  

It’s everything I want to empower my own child with and this love of being a mother completely charges me with light and I am filled with awe at the duty of motherhood,  and the joy.

And this is within your control! I'm so happy you have a little one to be a mother to.  Lucky child!  

And I do grieve again the mother I do not have.

Yes, and this grieving is important and necessary.  I believe it's part of the process towards healing.  Grief is a process, but we do move through it.  I don't think it ever goes away, but it does get less painful hopefully.

I know I am projecting negative feelings onto loving family because of the holiday.  My angry self wants to rage at people’s outpouring of love for moms and daughters right now. And to be honest i cried the hardest I have in a while trying to explain my anger to my H.

 Good for you for sharing this with H!  Was he able to understand you, and support you?

The kind of self-love that is as strong as a secure mother’s love for her baby. ME to love ME.

You are clearly working on this which is fantastic!  You are special.  We are all special.  We can get there.  

What would it feel like to love myself that much?

Like a truly satisfying and fulfilling mother's day maybe?  Maybe on Mother's Day, focus on the positive, YOU as a mother

[Imatter33]

Hello Methuen,
I super appreciate the support in your response. I love the forum, but it is scary being vulnerable here sometimes!
I do think my mom wanted more from our relationship, than "just mom" but her constant control of what she wanted that "special" relationship to be have always been unclear. I see  clear BPD trait of her wanting someone to be super close with, "bosom buddies" but then push me  away when I am close enough to her to see some sort of issue with our relationship. ( I hope that makes sense, bc I don't have a specific example right now. My mom functions out of a place of wanting to be an expert in whatever context she interacts with me. Her expert opinions really extend to only a few subjects, but she is inflexible to let a relationship exist outside of those topics. Because she desires to have that expert status with me there is a power struggle because I (and my H) don't care to learn from her in the way she would want. And perhaps to your point she views this as a failure over and over again. 

We can stand at the fence, and keep looking at the green grass on the other side of that fence which we will never be able to enjoy.  How will that make us feel if that is all we want, and we keep looking at it, but we can never get to the other side?  Or, we can stand on our side of the fence, and instead look around us, and observe what we already do have on our side (not green grass, but maybe other things), and not even look at the other side of that fence.  I think I just finally gave up trying to get to the other side of the fence in exhaustion.  It finally hit me it just wasn't ever going to happen.  Once I accepted that, I was able to let go of some of the expectations I desired of my mother.

Beautifully said M. However, I want so badly to stop comparing but I have to admit that the my H' sterotypical family dynamics of Mom, grandma, everyone having dinner together, and smiling (makes me want to puke.) WHY? "Sigh"
Everything I am reading right now says that boundaries and assertiveness will make my all my relationships more loving. I wish I could speed up my abilities to do this because dealing with my anger in the meantime is a lot.

The issues that exist within my H's family, truly make me mad. Nc with my mom has made me hypersensitive to misbehaviors I see within his.   I understand most of the anger comes from my  old habits of people pleasing and doing things out of FOG, but there are times I just want to yell out to his family..."Why don't you be grateful? You realize that we don't have to see you guys right?" 

I'm so happy you have a little one to be a mother to.  Lucky child!

It is my day too

  Good for you for sharing this with H!  Was he able to understand you, and support you?

He is really trying. When my work on myself points to things that could be different within his family he agrees that we should have our own voice, but its hard to practice! However, he is open to talking more. Plus I really appreciated him seeing my pain about my mom still. He didn't try to say anything corrective or angry. Just said " I am so sorry babe." It was needed.

You are clearly working on this which is fantastic!  You are special.  We are all special.  We can get there.  Like a truly satisfying and fulfilling mother's day maybe?  Maybe on Mother's Day, focus on the positive, YOU as a mother

THANK YOU!



 

[Choosinghope]

Hi Imatter!

I've been meaning to respond to this for a while now.

However, I want so badly to stop comparing but I have to admit that the my H' sterotypical family dynamics of Mom, grandma, everyone having dinner together, and smiling (makes me want to puke.) WHY? "Sigh"
Everything I am reading right now says that boundaries and assertiveness will make my all my relationships more loving. I wish I could speed up my abilities to do this because dealing with my anger in the meantime is a lot.

If it makes you feel any better, I am right there with you. Spending time with my H's *perfect* family has  been hard for me. It started out with crying fits throughout the day, in which I would need to excuse myself, go on a walk, and work through my raging emotions. Then it moved to resentment and me nitpicking and trying to find things wrong with them. Now, I'm just at sadness that I can usually hide really well and enjoy the day. I think that what we're both feeling is a natural part of the grieving process, of stopping looking at the other side of the fence. What I have on my side of the fence is a loving family (through marriage), and that's not something I should ignore or throw away just because it's not the side of the fence that I want. It's hard though. Very hard. Give yourself some grace with your anger. It doesn't define you, and it will bring healing in time. 

There is within me a white hot anger!
That I don't know who I am yet, that I don't know how to be confident... that I have been filled with fear for years and years and years!
that I am working so hard to be my own source of validation. In a perfect world my mother (and father) would have instilled in me a foundation of self-love and self-esteem.

Again, this. I think that the most beautiful thing that my H has ever said to me was last month. I was talking about reaching out to my mom again, and he said that he will support whatever I choose and that he trusts me with however I move forward. His reasoning: I've grown into a strong, independent, self-assured person in the 6 months of NC. He said that he's been amazed by and very proud of who I am becoming and he knows that I am well and truly my own person. With where I am, that comment meant more to me than any flowers, jewelry or words of affirmation. 
And yet, though I have definitely made progress, I am still fighting with those same things. Whenever my mom makes an accusation and tells me who I am, I automatically start to internalize and re-think my identity. I start to try to figure out her reality and make it somehow match with mine. With time though, I am stopping that process sooner and sooner, and I am hopeful that her words, someday soon, will mean nothing to my self-identity. Like you said, I am working hard to be my own source of self-validation. I can no longer gain my sense of self from another person, especially one who doesn't really even have her own sense of self. The only thing I can say here is that I am right there with you, and I do think that I am getting better with time. I am so glad that your H has been supportive and understanding. It helps SO much.  Hang in there! 

[Imatter33]

Hey CH so nice to hear from you.

I've been meaning to respond to this for a while now. If it makes you feel any better, I am right there with you. Spending time with my H's *perfect* family has  been hard for me.

Sometimes they feel perfect, but perhaps more irritating is the fact that they are not?  I never thought they were anywhere near my Mom's level of irrationality. And to be fair they are wonderful. But I am pretty judgemental of their flaws.
I think deep down its because I crave safety and stability everywhere! (I can see how this comes back to me being strong within myself) but my inlaws occasionally have had the power to make my husband (and then me) doubt ourselves (not intentionally) but it happens and I feel super defensive. Defensiveness rises I know because I still am dealing with a lot of grief about my side of family drama and I feel like I am doing that alone. However as I type this, I know he has grief over not having a dependable and kind MIL and he laments the strain felt all around. (Good to process that here)

I think that what we're both feeling is a natural part of the grieving process, of stopping looking at the other side of the fence. What I have on my side of the fence is a loving family (through marriage), and that's not something I should ignore or throw away just because it's not the side of the fence that I want. It's hard though. Very hard. Give yourself some grace with your anger. It doesn't define you, and it will bring healing in time.

It is so very hard. Talking about it with others going through the same will forever soothe some of this within me. 

I think that the most beautiful thing that my H has ever said to me was last month. I was talking about reaching out to my mom again, and he said that he will support whatever I choose and that he trusts me with however I move forward. His reasoning: I've grown into a strong, independent, self-assured person in the 6 months of NC. He said that he's been amazed by and very proud of who I am becoming and he knows that I am well and truly my own person.

Oh my gosh i am happy for you!  I have a lot more work to do but being self-assured is paramount!

And yet, though I have definitely made progress, I am still fighting with those same things.

Being human is fun isn't?

 

Whenever my mom makes an accusation and tells me who I am, I automatically start to internalize and re-think my identity. I start to try to figure out her reality and make it somehow match with mine. With time though, I am stopping that process sooner and sooner, and I am hopeful that her words, someday soon, will mean nothing to my self-identity.

What a profound mouthful there. You are a wise woman CH. Tearing up because I want the same thing so so much!

Like you said, I am working hard to be my own source of self-validation. I can no longer gain my sense of self from another person, especially one who doesn't really even have her own sense of self. The only thing I can say here is that I am right there with you, and I do think that I am getting better with time. I am so glad that your H has been supportive and understanding. It helps SO much.  Hang in there! 

You hang in there too. I am hurting for you about your moms responses as of late but after rereading this, I know you are well on your way to disengaging from the relationship and living your best life! HUG.

[zachira]

Not having a mother that loves and respects you is a lifelong sorrow. There are many people who never feel the sadness and are unable to become loving persons themselves. The fact that you are grieving this loss shows you have the capacity to love yourself and others. There will always be triggers and sadness, and Mother's Day is certainly a big trigger for most of us with a mother with BPD, as we constantly hear about how we are supposed to feel about our mother and the kind of mother we were supposed to have. How are you different from your mother and what are you most proud of?