Finding love again after BPD exposure

[Depression = 72% of members]

One painful thought pattern that I'm struggling to shift, is that the idealisation I was given in my last relationship is something I'll never experience again in a healthy relationship, that reality is just boring by comparison.

My ex's combination of heart achingly gorgeous features with this uber feminine, sweetness, with a deep respect, admiration and fascination for the things I believed in, and so much general shared interest and taste in most things, has left me tasting an experience of love that's simply not going to come round again. That no matter how compatible a person is that I meet, I'll never have that feeling of having met my soulmate again.

What I'm hoping to hear are stories of individuals who got out of a r/s with a pwBPD who went on to find true, enduring love. Does it happen? Or is the BPD idealisation stage like getting high for the first time, and never being able to experience that euphoria again?

[PretentiousBread]

One painful thought pattern that I'm struggling to shift, is that the idealisation I was given in my last relationship is something I'll never experience again in a healthy relationship, that reality is just boring by comparison.

My ex's combination of heart achingly gorgeous features with this uber feminine, sweetness, with a deep respect, admiration and fascination for the things I believed in, and so much general shared interest and taste in most things, has left me tasting an experience of love that's simply not going to come round again. That no matter how compatible a person is that I meet, I'll never have that feeling of having met my soulmate again.

What I'm hoping to hear are stories of individuals who got out of a r/s with a pwBPD who went on to find true, enduring love. Does it happen? Or is the BPD idealisation stage like getting high for the first time, and never being able to experience that euphoria again?

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi PB!  Me...Me...Me...I was in an 8 year relationship with a BPD (didn't know it was BPD until years later, but he was far on the spectrum and the relationship was so intense...I ended up with PTSD, but the intensity in so many ways is what I know you are talking about...Believe me, I completely understand everything you said in your post and felt the same way...exactly the same way.

But, I said ME...Me...me...because guess what?  I have been married to a non BPD (regular jo) for the past two decades, and when I fell for this super stable, rock solid, guy, I just knew I would never be "satiated" in my being the way the BPD man had done it, because it was so intense...and I was dead wrong.

No...I NEVER had the extremes with my husband...we just didn't.  As a matter of fact, I HATED the hours of struggle with my BPD and feared being in a relationship with anyone else, but due to my husband's NATURAL temperament, I quickly learned that he just would not ever be like that...all wild and raging and so forth...he and I disagree, cut it short, go to separate places by ourselves (in the house) and soon come back together having moved on and one or the other says something, and we resume "normal for us" and it's JUST GREAT!

Its totally different and so awesome with my husband.  There are no extremes, and it has been refreshing and solid ground for me.  I have often looked back and wondered do I miss my "x"...because it really was so intense, and ask myself would I ever go back, and my self answer is HELL NO, because there is nothing like the solid and reliable relationship I have been living in for the past two decades.  My husband is down by law to the very end with me...and he caters to my wishes, ensures my happiness, loves me, flaws and all...Man, it's great...and so much more than the 8 year chaotic situation I was formerly in.

This is just one person's life and perspective.  There are others, but I was brutally honest with you here, and I am happy in my marriage...VERY happy...its solid ground and this girl can't get enough.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi PretentiousBread,

I was married to my BPD wife for almost 14 years, with multiple recycles and one recycle just after getting divorced that threw me for a loop and really convinced me to close the door forever.  After that, I resumed my quest for a wife to build a life and raise my family with, armed with much more clarity on what was important to look for and much more realism about what to expect.

I've been happily married for just over four years, now.  Since we have a blended family, it is complicated and can be difficult, but it is night-and-day compared to what I had before.  I can't even adequately explain in a short reply.  This time around, I looked for very different things... or more accurately, I actually looked for things instead of merely allowing myself to be swept away in a fantasy.  I can't tell you how much better it is to have a functional relationship where you are both a team, where you are "one", not one person sucking you in to revolve completely around them.  We have some drama, but it is drama from external sources, and it comes into our lives somewhat voluntarily because we choose to help those around us that are struggling.  I would never be able to do that with my ex wife.  If she adopted someone for a "project", that's all it was, until it blew up (like every relationship she had), and then I was tasked with cleaning up the mess.  This is so much different.  My wife and I, now, can be a light to people, an encouragement, even an example.  Never would have happened before.

[OutOfEgypt]

And to give you an idea of the impact on the kids from my first marriage... our adult son (he is 25... my ex wife's biological son) no longer talks to his mother because of her toxicity.  But he has really taken to my wife.  He is recently engaged to be married and has asked me to be one of the groomsmen.

We also have a daughter who is almost 20 who doesn't talk to her biological mother anymore, either.  But she calls my wife "mom" and talks to her probably every day through messenger or on the phone (she lives on her own).

Marriage is not easy, period.  But marrying my wife has had ripples throughout all areas of life.  I get to have friends, again. haha.  My kids have some normalcy.  I have a partner to love, work with, grow old with, and accomplish much with.

[Skip]

My ex's combination of heart achingly gorgeous features with this uber feminine, sweetness, with a deep respect, admiration and fascination for the things I believed in, and so much general shared interest and taste in most things, has left me tasting an experience of love that's simply not going to come round again.

I've pondered this question years... I'm out of my "BPD relationship" for over a decade now.

Her: Like her mother who married 5 times, my ex found bounced around a bit after our relationship and then found love and they married and have been together for 5 years. I don't know him, but he seems very nice and they seem happy. I imagine that their is intensity there... she knows no other way.  

Me: I have bounced around a bit myself, but settled into a quality relationship with a wonderful partner 4 years ago.

100% adoration, compatibility. No.

But we didn't really have that with our BPD partner... they were saying what we wanted to hear so that they would be accepted, appreciated, loved. We all do this to an extent... a person with BPD just does it to the extreme.

It was fun being a rock star...  life and relationships are generally more complex.

[once removed]

there is certainly exciting, sexy, deep, passionate romance out there to be found.

my relationship had real elements of that, but you know, looking back, if im really honest, i think a lot of my attraction was selfish: it was about how the girl made me feel, the idealization, saying the right things, really pouring it on when it came to the reasons i wanted to be loved...stroking the male ego 

it took some grappling with that. certainly an ideal partner will treat you well, make you feel good about yourself. it took some shifting toward thinking about what i like in a person...about them, our compatibility, how we work together, and working toward becoming a man who can attract that.

[PeaceLovesHope]

16 years since 1st encounter with pwBPD. 8 years since last contact. Several relationships after that when I received real love, but couldn't return it. After that a marriage that lasted for 4 years, where I once again received tremendous love from my wife, but after the infatuation phase, I, once again, couldn't return the love she deserved. But she gave life to my fantastic son, and that love beats everything on this earth. To feel loved gives you strength and to love someone deeply gives you courage.

[Cromwell]

One painful thought pattern that I'm struggling to shift, is that the idealisation I was given in my last relationship is something I'll never experience again in a healthy relationship, that reality is just boring by comparison.

My ex's combination of heart achingly gorgeous features with this uber feminine, sweetness, with a deep respect, admiration and fascination for the things I believed in, and so much general shared interest and taste in most things, has left me tasting an experience of love that's simply not going to come round again. That no matter how compatible a person is that I meet, I'll never have that feeling of having met my soulmate again.

What I'm hoping to hear are stories of individuals who got out of a r/s with a pwBPD who went on to find true, enduring love. Does it happen? Or is the BPD idealisation stage like getting high for the first time, and never being able to experience that euphoria again?

I think it helped to recognise that past relationships sparked moments of euphoria and that this feeling is rooted within us, even if it appears to be associated with either another, or a chemical substance as the conduit - it is to keep in perspective - a fleeting emotion and returns to a baseline. My ex does not hold a monopoly on my ability to achieve a euphoric state, others prior beat her to it. Drugs have closely mimicked it. What the missing part here is the wider scope of what underlies these euphoria conduits - in the case of my ex, I would not have felt the same way had I fully known at those moments what I did later. As much as someone who regularly takes MDMA may not know for some time that their moments of euphoria had an underlying severe neuro-toxicity attached to it, which there is no treatment at present able to repair.

I think the anxiety of not being able to achieve the same in another relationship correlates with just how importantance we place on it being significant. Id like to also delineate boredom from euphoria, for me they are not opposites. Life today is not boring, but boredom can be a symptom of depression one of the symptoms being "a lack of interest in hobbies or interests that once gave enjoyment". In this state, a rollercoaster high from a relationship with idealisation is a temporary respite from depression, until it corrects itself - sharply - and there is a desperation to reconnect with that conduit for a boost.

As I started healing first from this, concurrently fixing non-bpd related issues that were/are the factors of depression, achieving a stable mood has made this importance of having a euphoric high stimulation on the nervous system state far less 'needy'. If we expect another person as a source of need fulfillment, the source of boredom alleviation or to supply what is difficult to attain ourselves, it is a precarious place to be. My ex did at times allay some of these things, but when she 'failed' if we follow this thinking - ultimately I was left with the responsibility to navigate my own way back out of despair, disappointment, depression that was more of a hit; the factor being the relationship itself and the turbulence attached to it - something that a non-disordered relationship would have not had the same gravity attached to it.

If we had a crystal ball fortune telling ability at those past (now just memories) of euphoric state with our exs, but had the full knowledge of what was to occur thereafter - would it have been the same euphoria? All I take home from this to try and answer
One painful thought pattern that I'm struggling to shift, is that the idealisation I was given in my last relationship is something I'll never experience again in a healthy relationship

there is no-way to know, you will need at least to try and see what happens. From my own strategy, ive found this experience has compelled me to lead a more balanced life than I had done so, ie, a relationship does not take central stage of fixation as a source of joy or euphoria. I have other relationships, a career, hobbies, interests, and when I find myself putting too much emphasis on one, at the expense of others (cant be everywhere at once!) Ive learned to shift and recalibrate to find balance. This balance is the equivalent of the saying "do not put all your eggs in one basket". There is place in my life for a relationship to have the potential as a conduit for - moments - of euphoria, the ground is prepared for it. At the same time, the need for it is not what it once was, the craving for it diminished. There is safeguards built in, a form of protective netting to fall into should anything bpd like occur again. Being with my ex was like going abroad on an adrenaline junkie extreme sports adventure, not having any medical insurance, having an awesome time - until everything goes wrong.

This fear though, reminds me of the meme "i used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee" - it has been an experience that prompted change in me, learning, this transition is just part of what is the life course of maturing. PretentiousBread - did the idealisation actually create euphoria for you? I ask because looking back, I cannot relate to this, it was nice to be together to feel a sense of a relationship that seemed to click perfectly, it felt easy going - I cant escape that at some points it also unsettled me a bit and felt a bit weird. Sweep aside all the past apiritions of what I thought she was "the one" rooted in a philosophy that there is a "one" for me, she was it. Life proved otherwise. Or maybe she was the mystical "one" but in the form of a message bearer to teach that I can enjoy life without an unrealistic/unhealthy expectation of euphoria everyday, but can be reserved for special occasions and certainly not as a form of non pharmacological anti-depressant.

or a personality to have subverted by another. As Skip says, "rock star" - with an obssessed fan base, consisting of a group that will be on a sliding scale, a percentile to the extreme. It felt that way, including; the phone stalker, the rubbish bin trawler, the personality emulator, the difference being I cant afford a gated community mansion with private security. Being idealised was pretty scary stuff, it was nothing short of euphoria to escape the glitz, a worship of being an appointed demigod in someone elses mind, detangle from it and be "little old me" again. Being idealised was fun; at first. It not only gets 'boring' real quick (to borrow your phrase) but relationship busting unnerving for me. The take home message for me from this relationship has been an opportunity to experience more of what I do not want in future and how "not to" lessons, lest I get in that boring cycle of repeating the same mistakes from the past.

Too much of a good thing can eventually make anyone sick, as much as her moments of undulated hatred became boring and predicable. After 3 years of it my paradigm on what is exciting and my future expectations from a partner have changed. Frankly im just fortunate to be in a position to say id trade all future euphoria just for making my way through this with my sanity intact. waking up each day with joy and anticipation of where it might lead, good health and appreciation for what I already have is maybe not everyone else's yardstick of euphoria, (it is a relative subjective feeling) but for me, it is not far away. If I happen to find it in a relationship it is more of a bonus prize rather than an idealised expectation to be - unrealistically - expected.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I really like all the responses you've gotten so far here, but one really resonates with me...the response by Once Removed...it talks about what we call the love bombing...my BPDX used to literally not let me sit down until he had put a soft blanket on the chair upon which I would eventually be sitting.  This, and so much more exactly like it.  I haven't seen the shades of grey movie series, but I have an idea that within it is passion and love making that blows most peoples minds.  The intimacy with my BPDx was THAT...nothing short of it...I would come home from work, get in the front door, and get literally no further...right there, on the floor beside the door...and from there, everywhere. 
Certainly, as Once Removed says, I had to "shift" ...down...to what is reality for the rest of the world...and what I liked in a person.  Knowing that kind of passion existed, I really tried to engage my husband of so many years now, but it absolutely was NOT to be.  He is very conservative and got insulted if I tried to be much passionate.  That said, my husband is the most amazing person...so I have my memories of how it can be between people, but that element of my relationship with the BPDX was not to be an element in my future.  I remember before marrying my husband, talking about how I wanted deep and passionate and fulfilling interpersonal relations, and he said he did too, so I assumed his imagination was as good as mine (due to my repentance, we did not sleep together until we were married)...but the reality of what my husband meant when his imagination went there, it was nothing like what I had previously experienced.
That said, yes, I did have to grieve that I would never know that kind of passion with my husband, or ever again, as I really am dedicated to my vows...but in reality, with my husband, I hit the lottery...deeply passionate or not.  My relationship is amazing, we are connected in ways I can't explain, and I could never see myself apart from him due to anything other than actual death or something that prevented us from being able to be together.  We are solid and forever material, and this guy takes amazing care of me all the way around.

[Starfire]

I've been in a healthy stable relationship with a non-BPD for just over a year, and what I'm daily grateful for (and amazed by) is the fact that he is steady, stable, and "normal" while at the same time a bit of a love bomber. He likes to woo.  It's not a BPD crazy kind of wooing, it's a quaint, almost old-fashioned kind of wooing.  It's not over the top like my BPD ex, and he somehow understands when he's gone too far, and I'm starting to feel suspicious of his intentions (based on my trauma experience).

In short, he gets me.  He understands that I have a certain need to experience something like love bombing and that I occasionally want some excitement that goes beyond "normal" and he finds ways to fulfill that for me.  But he also understands that even more than that I need reliable, truthful, and steady. 

The best part is that all this comes naturally to him.  He can be all of that for me because that's just who he is.

So... yes, you can find it.  In my case, I found it when I wasn't even looking for it.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Wow...you guys are truly "my people."  Even after all these years after my BPDx, I find such satisfaction talking with all of you, and reading what all of you say...so much resonates, and with a "sub group" of people on this planet who "get it"...and experienced similar to what I experienced.
Thanks for all of your open and honest comments throughout the boards...the conversations really do wonders for me...who knew?
This is a great discussion here...awesome!