Can someone please give me SET script advice - ASAP

[atcrossroads]

Hi all,

I'm usually on the "leaving" board (posted there too) but know you guys are pros at using techniques - reposting here hoping for some good advice.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!

uBPDh and I have been separated 3 months (same house still, sharing mortgage).  It's been a tense but relatively peaceful state of co-existence with fairly minimal interaction.

I found a note he wrote to himself which didn't sound suicidal but indicated he's in a very dark place. We are barely speaking, and I am unsure of what support  he is getting from friends (no therapy) so I messaged his mother and just let her know about note and hoped she would call to check on him.  Instead she messaged us BOTH backs with a response indicating she hoped we could reconcile our marriage (that could be another thread).  Of course, he is LIVID.

He exploded, fortunately in writing, at both of us.  A loong and VERY nasty response - Mr. Hyde has emerged!  I'm in the guest room and plan to go for a walk soon and stay in room most of day.  I want to send a short response to him (I will work on a longer one later addressing the impending divorce, etc. but not until I see my T this week).  

My goal is to acknowledge his anger and dissipate it for now as much as possible.

Here is what I am thinking and NEED ADVICE PLEASE:

SET:  I care about you very much and worry about how you are feeling (doing).

EMPATHY:  I can understand why you were upset that I read your note and messaged your mother.  (I would have felt the same way... .  ?)

TRUTH:  We are both struggling with a difficult situation (?) and your note sounded like you might be thinking of self-harm.  ... .    I really don't know what to say for the truth!  He is self-destructing - how do I say that he has talked of suicide before and I want to make sure he has support if he needs it.

or... .  TRUTH:  maybe something like this... .  ?

TRUTH:  If I see indications that you are thinking of self-harm, I will contact one of your friends instead of your mother.

That's not good is it?

Really need help here... .  

My T told me to call 911 immediately if he ever threatens suicide again (used to do it all the time -- has not during this separation).

But what do I do with this situation?

NEED ADVICE.

Thank you so much!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[CodependentHusband]

hmm... .  This is a tough situation. I'm sorry I don't know much about your story, since I don't often read threads in forums other than Staying. I've been through a divorce once before with my first wife who was an alcoholic. Wife #2, my current wife, is my pwBPD. So, if I understand correctly, you don't want to reconcile, but you do want to create, maintain, or restore at least some type of peace in the household while you are still having to live under one roof.

You ask for advice, specifically with S.E.T, which I think is good, and, for what it is worth, I will provide you with some advice on that, however, I feel I would be selling you short by not sharing some of my experience with you concerning getting others in the family involved. Prior to, and for a couple of months after my wife's preliminary dx of BPD, I talked to her sister and father (my in-laws) about my pwBPD's behavior. They, of course, already knew of her volitility, patterns having unfolded over her entire life, which they both had been witness to first-hand... .  in fact, they knew far more that I could of just how destructuve my wife can be through her actions. What I ultimately learned from this is that the feeling of betrayal and feeling manipulated by my pwBPD, was by far more destructive than simply allowing her to follow her own path. Any interjection on my part undermined the very trust I was trying to establish with her. So, the conclusion I have reached is that getting others involved, short of literally saving my wife's life (she's never been suicidal), is going to be counter to my goal of establishing more peace in our home. Just so I am clear with you, I am not criticizing your actions of informing your MIL. I completely understand, and I can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing... .  in fact, I probably would, but with what I know now, I'm almost certain that I would not have brought anyone else into the drama.


How about something like this:

Support: I care about your well-being.

Empathy: I can see why you would feel I invaded your privacy and betrayed you by telling others about the note.

Truth: In the past you have discussed self-harm. I may have overracted by informing your mother about the note, but I was worried about you.


I don't really know that this is really any better than your first attempt though, to be honest. My best advice to you at this point in time is to state your case, but be fully prepared for any apology, no matter how earnest on your part, to be rejected. Once you have communicated to your pwBPD, your job is done. Try to find some peace in that, no matter how he reacts.

I hope things begin improving for you soon.

[atcrossroads]

Thank you so much, Codependent, for this great and very helpful response.   

You deduced correctly that while I have tried very, very hard, yes I am divorcing my husband, but yes, it is CRUCIAL right now to keep the peace while we are in the same home (we also work together... .  ).  So, yes, I am seeking to defuse the situation at hand today.

Your SET script sounds great - I wrote 2-3 and will combine with yours and go ahead and send and be done with it.  I am prepared for any respnse - none at all, angry, whatever.  I suspect he has cooled somewhat from last night when he wrote the message when he returned home at 1am, no doubt drunk too.  I think he will engage back in writing (I hope) instead of verbally.  The onslaught is so much easier to take in writing than face to face! 

Your advice about involving family is spot on - to tell you the truth, his mom is root of a lot of his problems, yet ironically, they talk on the phone all the time, and she keeps messaging me about us reconciling -- it's worth it, all marriages have rough patches, etc.  I made a MISTAKE by contacting her yesterday, but his note did trigger fear within me because not only has he been suicidal but it runs in his family.  Blood is thicker than water.  Also, it makes him feel more betrayed, like you said, for me to contact her.  It's so very complicated, and I appreciate your nonjudgemental but astute words of advice here. I do realize now I shouldn't have messaged her.  Now she is all in the middle of it, and it's a much bigger mess.

I am going to add to my SET that if I have fears again that I will encourage him to contact a friend or a therapist but will not contact his mother. 

Your script and whole response is more helpful than you know.  Thank you!   

[atcrossroads]

p.s.  Just to clarify, I initially posted on Leaving board, but someone there suggested I would likely get a better response on Staying board, as you all are in practice using techniques like SET.  Thank you again, Codependent!