New and don't know what to do

[stepmomma]

I have two stepdaughters who have borderline ages 19 and 18. They both have serious challenges but because the 18yo lives with us, I'm dealing with her issues everyday so I'll just focus on her right now... .

The 18yo was recently diagnosed and she just started therapy. The girls's biological mother recently passed away it has been complicated for them because their mom has not been apart of their daily lives since they were toddlers because of her drug abuse. The 18yo was at college but after the death of her mother she was threatening suicide and we had to go and pull her out of school.

Right now she claims she took 60 Ibuprofen but she had absolutely no symptoms from that... .nothing not even a tummy ache. The ER told us it was attention seeking. We recently had a discussion about this "attempted suicide" with her and asked how she didn't have any symptoms? She told us she doesn't know why she didn't have any physical symptoms but she did it and it must have just been a miracle from God.

My husband and I have no idea what to do about this. Do we keep talking to her about it? Does it even matter, at this point? How do we validate her feelings? Do we let the therapist sort this out? She is 18yo and doesn't want us near the therapy sessions. Should we involve ourselves with the doctor/therapist or should we just stay out of it and hope the professionals can see the truth?

I'm so lost... .when she lies to us or does really immature things my husband will tell me "lets sit down and talk to her" but I feel this doesn't work because we talk and talk but nothing changes and then she just tells us what she thinks we want to hear.  I've been reading like crazy about this but I don't even know where to begin.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello stepmomma,

We are glad that you decided to join the site and post about your concerns for your stepdaughters. 

I'm sorry to  hear that they are suffering with so much loss in their young lives.  My daughter, 18 was dx at 12 w/emerging BPD.  She lost her dad in Nov. 2013 and it did set her back some from her recovery. 

I'm also sorry that she is so in  need of attention that she would cause such a commotion around an untruth like she did.  I don't see how talking to her is going to have much affect  on how she responds.  As you mention... .talking and talking don't seem to make much difference. 

What you may want to try is to ask her about her feelings and then validate them.  If she says something you don't understand or want to explore further with her you can ask her validating questions... ."what do you think can be done?" "how can we help meet your needs in a different way"... ."what do you need to tell us?" 

Listen to hear Listen to understand Listen to empathize and respond in a validating way. 

Here is some info on validation that may help you improve communication with your stepd.

Communication: Stop Invalidating Others

Let us know if we can help you work on your validation skills... .we practice this stuff together. 

lbj

[stepmomma]

I appreciate this forum and the topics that have been addressed here, I'm glad I found this. I've been reading people's comments and the information here and it is helping me to understand what I should do. I'm working on validation and I will need to practice it. I'm learning what it is not... .it is not agreeing with her, this understanding helps.

One of my issues is that some of her problems are a result of neglect and abandonment from her mother and I find it difficult to know what to say and do because it stems from a past I wasn't a part of... .I've only been married to her dad for almost 2 years. 

Things that I've noticed from her is she has a fantasy of what it would be like to have a mom and I'll never live up to that fantasy. Sometimes she regresses and wants me to treat her like a child because as she says then we will have a mother/daughter bond. She really wants my approval/attention but she also hates/resents me... .for example since she has been at home we asked that she help around the house. I asked her to pull the weeds/grass out of the flower beds the other day, she pulled out the tulips that were getting ready to bloom. When I asked her why she did it, she said she thought they were weeds. Really?  I asked if she was angry about helping out. She assured me that she wan't angry that she is just an idiot and doesn't know the difference between flowers and grass. She puts on this happy face a lot and acts like everything is fine and then she does something like this.

Does anyone else experience this type of silent rage and passive aggressiveness? She rarely blows up or outwardly shows her anger although you can feel it from her, this intense fuming under the surface. It is different from her sister. The 19yo is angry about most things and yells at us frequently, which is loads of fun.   

[livednlearned]

Hi stepmomma,

Hello and welcome to bpdfamily -- I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. You must've felt a lot of fear when your SD told you she had attempted suicide. And then to discover she was making it up, that's confusing and must feel like you have been played.

She's in a lot of pain and isn't sure how to communicate in an emotionally healthy way. What kind of therapy is she participating in? Does she accept her diagnosis or show an interest in learning more about what it means?

Please tell us more when you feel comfortable doing so, and let us know what kind of help and support you hope to get here.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. It is amazing to discover how many people are experiencing the same behaviors. And above all, take care of yourself! That is the cornerstone of staying strong and resilient so you can develop strong boundaries.



LnL

[Pondereth]

Our situations sound soo similar. My husband has 3 kids from a previous marriage, the oldest daughter (16) is struggling with what I think is BPD. Her mom had it, was addicted to drugs, and committed suicide in 2007. Mom was neglectful and just not there, emotionally or physically. We are in the exact same boat, lost right now. But this site is helping. She lies constantly and about everything. There is no trust between us and her. I am so sick of talking about it! It doesn't solve anything. We have hashed out and talked about the same things over and over and over and nothing changes. Sorry I don't have any helpful antectodes, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I will send you a message on here. I bet we would be a good support to each other since we are both the stepmother and mom has passed away.

[stepmomma]

We do feel played but more than that we don't trust her and it makes me sad because she has so many things going for her... .but now I question everything she says or does. She can be very pleasant, funny but now I'm suspicious about everything she does. I don't know if this is good or bad.

She is doing DBT. At first she told us she didn't think she had BPD but she has been open to therapy and willing to go. She does want us to go to therapy with her now because she feels it will help her talk to us better, which is a big change from last week. One thing we've noticed that helps her is watching her sisters' (sd19) behavior. I would say her sister is much more extreme in her BPD behaviors and SD18 does take note. Not only does SD18 have BPD but she has been the recipient of BPD behavior (anger, lying) from her sister and that has affected her. I think it motivates her to therapy and to question some of her own behavior.

For example, recently, SD19 has decided that she is going to move to another state with guy (because they have the most amazing love of anyone who has ever existed) she has a 2 yo little girl, SD19 is giving custody of the baby to dad and is leaving. SD18 is very upset by this and doesn't understand why she would leave her daughter\family and is confused and hurt by her sisters' choices. It has given us the opportunity to talk about BPD with her but we usually don't elaborate that much about her sister -- Do you think we should talk more about her sister's issues with her?

This whole situation is very sad. To see SD19 walk away from her adorable daughter is heartbreaking especially when she knows how it feels being abandoned by her own mother. Even though we do not support the leaving her daughter part we do support her decision to give custody to dad-- he is stable and good. It is a relief because we can deal with her we have good boundaries with her but we worry like crazy about the little one.