Getting back together after separation

[tigerlily66]

This is a long story... .  to sum up, I left my BPH in Dec 2011. He was also addicted to marijuana. After 6 months, I was on the verge of filing for divorce, but decided to give him a FINAL chance. He went through an intensive outpatient rehab, we started marriage counseling. We have recently made plans for me to move back into the house with him (my stipulation: that he fixes it up first). Things have been going along fairly smoothly. He's been clean. He just hurt his back from tearing carpet out of the house (possible herniated disc), and now he's on Vicodin for pain. I think it's "bringing out" the BPD again... .  last night I stopped in at the house briefly and made a comment about the new flooring (just that I expected it would be laid the opposite way). This sent him into a spiral, suddenly we are probably not going to get back together, that I "always"criticize him, he is going to constantly disappoint me if I'm looking for perfection, I'm too judgemental, etc... .  I guess I conveniently "forgot" that he has BPD... .  There have been some other minor episodes that I pushed to the back of my mind. Now he's bringing up the "thing" I did when his dad died (3 months after I left him- I went to the funeral, etc to support him) I have no idea what he's talking about... .  he's starting to bring up how angry he was when I left, and how he didn't insult me, etc. He seems to forget why I left- he was hurling verbal abuse at me, things I had no idea where they came from!  So,  now I'm at the dilemma point... .  continue counseling, keep going with the plans to move back?  Our 18 yr old daughter is really looking forward to it, but she'll be leaving for college in the fall... .  He hasn't contacted me at all today, probably asleep, or being passive/aggressive.  I don't think I can do this... .  

[tuum est61]

Home renovations bring out the best in men - BPD or not.  

I suppose it's a good thing that you were "reminded" of his BPD before you moved back in.  It certainly won't have gone away.   He's not respecting your boundary around having an opinion about flooring, is raging, and is apparently gas-lighting or dissociating about something at his fathers funeral.  

How is the counseling - marital counselling I assume - going now? Marital counselling - by itself - typically isn't very productive in a relationship that includes BPD. It would seem to me that until you are both geting some counseling individually - his recognizing his BPD, you better keep on with your separation for a while longer.  

[momtara]

How long do his dark moods/episodes usually last?  It's no surprise that there are going to be occasional relapses.  I guess it depends on if he recognizes it, says he's sorry, etc... .  I understand your dilemma.  You are a good person and trying to give things another shot, and letting someone back in is a big step. Are you feeling good about him coming back?  Were you feeling good about it until he had this episode?

On one hand, you could give him a pass if he's otherwise been getting better - if it seems like this will be rare.  You could talk to him about it and see if he acknowledges it for what it is. 

You always have the option to file for divorce if he does this again or seems to slip into his old ways.

You have a dilemma similar to mine.  I just filed for divorce but I keep second guessing it.  I am definitely not ready to let him come back, but I might be willing to stay separated for a year.  He has started going to counseling.  But he had an episode tonight that scared me.  Unfortunately I think I have to go ahead with the divorce, and it kind of breaks my heart.  But I have small kids, so there is more at stake that I have to worry about.

[1bravegirl]

I've recently been dealing with the same issues...   He returned and of course was doing well and watching his behavior and showing signs of improvement and progress but when they get irritated or we hit a nerve or bring back an old memory that they haven't processed... watch out!

It's still that issue of 'all good or all bad' and we get to be reminded of how unwell they still are.  It may happen less than before or the episodes may be much shorter but they still hurt and throw us for a loop. 

How in the world are we to know they are still holding onto something we 'supposedly did' a year ago when they moved out? or vice versa?

It's so hard to know whats around the corner with the way they process their emotions and how they feel horrible pain out of nowhere since we dont feel things like that... .  

So you really have to listen to your gut...   I'm sensing... give it more time. if at all possible.   I sure wish I could have.  I asked him to let time go by and he decided to pack up a UHAUL and called me on his way back...    crazy stuff...    I felt between a rock and a hardplace... with no backbone cuz i'd been sick for so long... .    stay strong and on your toes! 

1bg

[tigerlily66]

Thank you all for your insight. In general, he has been doing very well, and he did apologize after this episode, saying he was very tired and grumpy from the back pain, pain medicine and from the physical labor. I did accept that. He was MUCH better today, we had dinner, then went to our daughter's basketball game. He does go to individual counseling along with our marital joint counseling. It has gone very well actually. I believe he has a high functioning form of BPH, and it does manifest itself more when he's tired and on drugs. I am forging ahead with us getting back together, and will arm myself with boundaries, knowledge, etc. I did go to my own counselor for almost a year, and it helped a lot. I just can't "forget" that he probably has this disorder, and know how to take care of myself, etc. I think the deal breaker for me would be if he gets back into the marijuana- I just can't live with addiction at all, ever again. He's been clean for 8 months, and I am proud of him for that. He is truly learning how to cope with life without numbing himself, etc. He is showing me that he loves me by fixing up the house. (he is NOT a handy-man!) When I move back, it will be a year and 2 months since I left. We have to both agree not to relive the bad moments from back then and focus on our new future.

[1bravegirl]

MY H smoked pot for over 20 yrs every day and has been clean for a few years now as well since my first split from him.  It has made a difference but without the continual counseling and forging ahead emotionally it starts to become like somewhat of a 'dry drunk'.

They still can get stuck on stupid and fall back on the old behavioral patterns even without the pot so i'm so encouraged to hear that he is involved with the T.  I would really stress, even put down in writing that he commits to stay on that road to recovery in order to make a success of this reunion.

Thinking of you and so glad you had a better day...   1bg