Paranoia

[thicker skin]

If your SO suffers with paranoia, what has it done to your self esteem and confidence?

I personally find that I have been filtering what I say for years now, to avoid an out of the blue blow up and character assassination. That brings its own problems though, as I am then accused of not being open and honest and hiding my deviant activities. Trying to gently explain, using past examples of false allegations, only adds fuel to the fire.

I am accused of giving him the silent treatment, when actually, I'm doing all I can to avoid being shouted at or labelled. It very much feels like a guilty until proven innocent, witch hunt and I never know how an innocent remark or action will be taken by him.

He resents my intimacy problems, as do I, but I don't know how to fix them if I can't get him to understand that his reactions to me create them.

I am responsible for my feelings. I know that. I'm not responsible for his abusive reactions though, so in order to limit what happens to me, I feel I have no choice other than to stay small and not tip the apple cart.

A good example would be :- I was working for a customer in our village and I'd parked my car on the street. The elderly neighbour wanted me to move my car, as she had friends coming. My customer was perplexed and after I'd moved my vehicle, went on to tell me that the old couple nextdoor used to be swingers. I was gob smacked! I relayed this to my partner when I got home. I have suffered ever since, with accusations of only discussing sex at work, having no boundaries and not knowing how to behave when I'm out of his sight. To me, my customer had shared some shock horror news and I'd come home and told my SO. I can't see what I did wrong? On another occasion, an architect had taken my number for future work possibilities, which I immediately told my SO about. I was then told that I must have appeared up for it?

How can I be open, without giving him more evidence, or protect myself, without being deviant and hiding?

[tuum est61]

How can I be open, without giving him more evidence, or protect myself, without being deviant and hiding?

I completely understand this "catch 21".  :)amned if you do and damned if you don't.  I suffer in particular from my bBPDw's constant suspicion of my activities at work - especially when I travel.  

You will just have to work at it.  I have pretty well concluded I will always be suspected if I make any comments that involve a person of the opposite sex, including my ex wife or partners.  The BPD fear of abandonment and lack of any capacity to believe you aren't cheating or flirting is simply too strong.  

I think the biggest thing is to understand that they simply can't help it - they are overwhelmed.  We ALL can have worries about the fidelity of our partners but we have matured through and past them.  They are stuck - and they are completely perplexed when we react negatively or attempt to defend.  

Don't cover up that you are in "situations" that will cause them suspicion.  I used to not tell my W when I travelled with other women or met with other women for work.  To the extent it's a planned event, I tell her - and then try not to react when she makes a remark.

Don't defend or explain - just acknowledge that you know it bothers your partner, tell them they are the only one for you and move on.  

And don't get too hard in yourself when you instead stay and fight to protect Your honor - it's going to happen - but developing a thick skin around catty remarks is very helpful.

[BillTheCat]

Geez this post is right on time.  Just today my partner asked me about whether I went to lunch with another girl back in 2011.  I just don't know where these random accusations come from, but that's the thing.  They come from nowhere, and are triggered by the smallest thing or transgression.  Like you so aptly put it, I just "stay small and try not to tip the apple cart". 

But it's damned if you do damned if you don't, because my efforts to stay quiet mean that I get labeled as "detached", "emotionally unavailable", me having intimacy issues, and "emotional abuse".

It gets to the point where I don't even want say, or do anything at home for fear of triggering another fear.

[tuum est61]

It gets to the point where I don't even want say, or do anything at home for fear of triggering another fear.

That's not sustainable. You can't make yourself small enough or quiet enough.

How did you respond to her question? 

[Take2]

Ironically, I just posted about my horrible week - all caused by my ex/bf's (undiagnosed BPD)- severe paranoia.  We work together.  No matter the scenario, it's clear I am not supposed to talk to men, period.  Keep in mind that ALL of my peers are men.  I have alienated myself from all of them for him - and for me.  To avoid triggering that paranoia.  But turns out that even reaching out to a male peer 1500 miles away regarding a work related topic triggered it this week.  And when it hit, it EXPLODED.  I left early, I cried at work every day (and yeah, I'm supposed to be a professional leader at this company), I got physically sick two days. 

It's impossible to avoid his paranoia trigger I realize.  I don't know how I'm supposed to ever be able to build working relationships with my work peers.  Any time I try, he flips.  This week - with his threats to destroy my life, desire to see me hurting, desire to make sure I grow old and alone, I became down right frightened.  And traumatized.

I'm okay now - but I'm pretty worried.  I don't know how to not trigger it again.

If I don't talk to him - he will come find me to attack (found that out this week).

If I do try to reason with him - he will attack.

I don't want to leave my job.  But I don't know how to make it stop. 

I know NC is the goal.  But I KNOW it won't work at first.

And right now, I don't know if I can withstand any more of what I went thru this week.

[Divt]

OMG! Your post sounds like I wrote it!

My undiagnosed BPD, on again off again boyfriend does this as well. (We've been apart for 5 months now) He turns any innocent conversation or encounter with another human being into something very intimate. One therapist I saw called it "histrionic" which is another type of disorder.

I told him once he was being paranoid and he flipped out! This was before I fully grasped how serious his issues were.

Omitting information to avoid conflict never worked for me. If he ever found out something that I didn't tell him, he would automatically think it was because I was hiding an affair or something of that nature.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[thicker skin]

  thanks for your replies... .  I can relate to all of you.

I too worked in a vastly male environment with my trade. It has become so difficult, that I just don't any more. I can't run the risk. I can't take the torture of being turned inside out and hated with such venom, just to pay the bills and limp by, for a mortgage that isn't mine, in a house that I am assured is none of my business. It's been nearly 22 years. The spark that inspired me has all but gone out. I can't do a physical days graft anymore and still feel like I'm trying to slide up a slippery pole. I can't be sorry for being attractive. I can't stop people liking me. I can't control anyone else's mind, only mine and I am struggling with that

I do expect to be able to attend a very dear friends funeral, without being berated for disrespecting my partner for months afterwards. Talkng to other people beside a coffin is okay in my book, regardless of the gender of my dead friend, or the people I was discussing him with. I should be able to download a book onto my ipad, without a verbal assault on how I should behave. I'm not mental. I'm worn out. I'm not deviant, I'm scared. I'm not disgusting, I'm normal.

I hear all of you. I share your plight. Wouldn't it be great if we could all have coffee in the sun somewhere, overlooking a river and just 'be' for a while? How nice would it be to take our mutual others along and share cake and conversation, make friends and memories, without the third degree for an eternity?

They make their reality ours and ask us to be responsible for it and accept it. If only they could saw us in half and see the truth and hurt we carry, in the name of making them feel better.

Peace, love and strength to you all ... .  With absolutely no sexual or financial motivations attached xxx

[tuum est61]

They make their reality ours and ask us to be responsible for it and accept it. If only they could saw us in half and see the truth and hurt we carry, in the name of making them feel better.

Hi TS,

The thing we have to learn is that we live OUR reality - which is NOT about "helping" them feel better. 

"Carrying hurt" is a presumptuous and dangerous mirroring of their dysregulated emotions.  I've learned - for the most part - not to do it any more.  It was controlling and codependent behavior on my part. 

It is possible to make these changes... .  

[thicker skin]

Thanks tuum... .  

I'm aware of that. My reality and his are vastly different. The thing is, when I live in my reality and go about my life, I trigger his responses and beliefs. I walked in my own world for years, which is why I am held accountable for a such a catalogue of gross misconduct, which is used to further fuel the fire today.

I haven't been perfect, I suffer with a condition called Human  which means that I have made mistakes, probably always will and won't ever quite get it right... .  Not that I particularly want to. Perfection is not my aim.

I'm just scared and tired. Tired of always being wrong, tired of being seen as something that I myself find unacceptable and things not being as I'd like them to be because of who I'm alleged to be.

If I relax, I make the mistake of thinking that my actions are normal. Simple things, like laughing with an old friend on the telephone, have recently gained me a stern reminder that if I don't behave, I'll be living with my mother. That's the axe he holds over my head. That's the fear I live with daily. In the mean time, I'm emotionally abusing him by being as I am.

I can't relax enough between episodes to be a healthy, loving, giving partner. I don't know what is coming next, when and for what.

[Take2]

Thicker Skin... .  we are so on the same page... .     

I live in fear also... .    I keep THINKING I'm moving on after I get raged at and dumped.  And then after every time, when I start healing and THINKING I can start to be myself again, I am attacked (verbally) for being inappropriate.  I'm tired.  And I'm tired of "walking on eggshells". 

Yesterday after a horrible fight with him (because I fought back and defended my character), I left shattered.  I finally just responded to his texts afterward that yes I'm a so sorry for how disturbed I AM.  I just wanted it to STOP.  And after I apologized and agreed how it's ALL ME?  Literally?  5 MINUTES later, he texted that he wished I was shopping with him at the mall.  REALLY?  After raging at me all afternoon and after texting me long texts about how we clearly must go our own way and this is unhealthy and blahblahblah... .     Who does that ?   Oh yeah... .  I know who... .  and why... .     but still... .  I'm so tired of it... .    I REALLY want to live a normal life again... .     

I pay for my "human mistakes" over and over and over with him.  I know nothing I do will ever be good enough... .    I am FINALLY wanting to just make it go away... .    he's a wonderful person underneath the craziness... .    but I too deserve to have a happy and healthy life.

Curious... .  are you wanting to stay in your situation?

I haven't read your background yet but will go do so now... .  

I wish you well and hope you have a good week... .     

[Take2]

Peace, love and strength to you all ... .  With absolutely no sexual or financial motivations attached xxx

This cracked me up... .     

[tuum est61]

If I relax, I make the mistake of thinking that my actions are normal. Simple things, like laughing with an old friend on the telephone, have recently gained me a stern reminder that if I don't behave, I'll be living with my mother. That's the axe he holds over my head. That's the fear I live with daily. In the mean time, I'm emotionally abusing him by being as I am.

Tell me more about how he holds the living with your mother axe over your head. 

[tuum est61]

Yesterday after a horrible fight with him (because I fought back and defended my character), I left shattered.  I finally just responded to his texts afterward that yes I'm a so sorry for how disturbed I AM.  I just wanted it to STOP.  And after I apologized and agreed how it's ALL ME?  Literally?  5 MINUTES later, he texted that he wished I was shopping with him at the mall.  REALLY?  After raging at me all afternoon and after texting me long texts about how we clearly must go our own way and this is unhealthy and blahblahblah... .     Who does that ?  A person with BPD - the guy you refer to as a "wonderful person underneath the craziness... .  "    

     

Take 2,  How do you you think your husband honestly feels about your character? 

[thicker skin]

Tuum... .  In answer to your question, he doesn't miss an opportunity to remind me that the house we built and live in, is none of my business and he regularly tells me to get out over quite mundane things :- answering him back, sharing my feelings, stepping over his line. I had a child who was 10 months old when we got together and he feels that I owe him for raising her. We have two together aged 14 and 16, my daughter is 22.

It's like Take2 said, you think you're growing closer, start to heal and Wham! You're out again and back to square one. It comes from nowhere, is difficult to comprehend and throws all of us off balance.

He says that my effing mother can put a roof over my head, we do not have a future, there is no we and us and he wants me to remember that... .  And then move forwards and be happy with that knowledge. I don't know how to invest in that and take care of my future. If I say it's not good enough for me and I need more for my life, I am called a selfish, maladaptive child, pathetic, disgusting and told I have no family values or morals.

We watched a film in bed last night. I'd had a tough weekend, with my brother having the paramedics out for his asthma, a hospital admission and my niece bleeding at 20 weeks pregnant, all on her own and miles away. I wanted to roll over and have a cuddle, but I know I can't share those emotions... .  I had tears on my cheeks. He asked why I was crying... .  I started to say and I was abruptly shut up with the words "It's just the chatter in your head"

Hello my troublesome intimacy issues... .