Migrating from "Staying" to "Undecided"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been on the board (barely) for a few years, posting in 'Staying'. Last spring uBPDW attempted suicide twice by OD and also incurred a domestic violence charge. She has been in counseling, both individual and group, but only because it was court ordered. I have also been seeing an individual therapist.

I have tried maintaining my sense of commitment to the marriage through this, but I am finding us in a trap that just doesn't seem to have an exit. The situation is that in order for her to be okay, I have to be the big bad wolf, I have to be personally responsible for her suicide attempts and violent behavior.

Possible outcomes of this:

A) She is right, I am a manipulative, button pushing emotional abuser that drove her to suicide.

B) She is wrong, I am a fairly normal person trying to cope and she is responsible for her suicide attempts and violent behavior, but will not accept responsibility.

Either way I don't see any future.  If she is right, we should not be together for her sake. If she is wrong, I am stuck in this world that I can't be happy in.  In the last few months my feelings of commitment have taken a nose dive, which on the bright side has allowed me to be much less reactive when the cycle of conflict starts again.

I am really checked out though. My therapist suggests that it is a defense mechanism. I even told uBPDW that I wanted out and that I didn't love her anymore back in November, but she countered that by saying that she would lose her job because she can't stop crying all day at her desk and then would probably kill herself. So in the mean time I rolled over and said I would stay and try to work things out. Two months later, and I just don't feel anything but concern for the kids and occasional empathy for her hurt feelings.

So, yay for me, I get to switch categories. Is there cake?

[z 7873]

I have been on the board (barely) for a few years, posting in 'Staying'. Last spring uBPDW attempted suicide twice by OD and also incurred a domestic violence charge. She has been in counseling, both individual and group, but only because it was court ordered. I have also been seeing an individual therapist.

I have tried maintaining my sense of commitment to the marriage through this, but I am finding us in a trap that just doesn't seem to have an exit. The situation is that in order for her to be okay, I have to be the big bad wolf, I have to be personally responsible for her suicide attempts and violent behavior.

Possible outcomes of this:

A) She is right, I am a manipulative, button pushing emotional abuser that drove her to suicide.

B) She is wrong, I am a fairly normal person trying to cope and she is responsible for her suicide attempts and violent behavior, but will not accept responsibility.

Either way I don't see any future.  If she is right, we should not be together for her sake. If she is wrong, I am stuck in this world that I can't be happy in.  In the last few months my feelings of commitment have taken a nose dive, which on the bright side has allowed me to be much less reactive when the cycle of conflict starts again.

I am really checked out though. My therapist suggests that it is a defense mechanism. I even told uBPDW that I wanted out and that I didn't love her anymore back in November, but she countered that by saying that she would lose her job because she can't stop crying all day at her desk and then would probably kill herself. So in the mean time I rolled over and said I would stay and try to work things out. Two months later, and I just don't feel anything but concern for the kids and occasional empathy for her hurt feelings.

So, yay for me, I get to switch categories. Is there cake?

[matilda19]

Possible outcomes of this:

A) She is right, I am a manipulative, button pushing emotional abuser that drove her to suicide.

B) She is wrong, I am a fairly normal person trying to cope and she is responsible for her suicide attempts and violent behavior, but will not accept responsibility.

This is a real issue for me to. If I accept that I am horrible and manipulative and cause it then why does she want to be with me?

I to feel like I am simply a normal person trying my best to deal with what is an abnormal situation. It is difficult and I am at my wits end as to how to deal with it.

I feel like I must bear the burden for her issues whilst also dealing with my own issues. She disregards my issues and says that she can explain why she does what she does but that I have no reason. I feel your pain.

[jedimaster]

Manipulative, button pushing emotional abusers who drive others to suicide don't hang out on web forums trying to figure out what is wrong with themselves and wondering what to do about their relationships.  So that pretty much takes "A" out of the equation. 

My guess is option B is dead on.  When I stopped considering option A and started evaluating myself as myself rather than accepting my uBPDw's version of me, a lot of things started making more sense.

Unless someone is so delusional that they literally don't realize who or where they are, everyone is responsible for his or her own behavior, whether they acknowledge it or not.  Including pwBPD.  Hang on to that fact.