BPD mom is not liking the new boundaries...

[sanemom]

After seeing how BPD mom alienates, the counselor has set up what she calls "parenting islands", which is basically big-time parallel parenting.  When the kids are with parent #1, they are not supposed to speak with parent #2 or talk about parent #2 with parent #1... .and vice versa.  One thing that the counselor has recognized is that a key way that the kids get attention from BPD mom is to complain about DH, and then she gets to either validate them or save the day for them--now they should not be doing that.  Also, the boys have been taught to spy on us and report back.  Since violating this boundary is so engrained in them, I was not sure how well they would do with it.

When the plan was described to the boys and BPD mom, they were all for it.  Now there has been a glitch.  DSS wanted to get paid for his extra chores from us for the Black Friday sales, but he didn't talk with us about it when he was here.  Instead, he apparently complained to BPD mom, and she asked DH (you know, so she could save the day).  DH didn't respond at first, but after numerous texts, he emailed BPD mom and cc'd the counselor reminding her that the boys should not be talking about him or things that go on at our house while they are at her house.

Then DH got the nastiest text ever from DSS saying no one will tell him who he can talk to, that he is "pissed off" and should get his money already, etc.  DSS has NEVER talked with him that way--he knows it doesn't fly over here.  In fact, we were planning to deposit the money into his account on "payday" (December 1), but after that text, it isn't happening.  Shortly after receiving the text, I notice DSS all over FB arguing politics with people he doesn't even know.  It is disheartening to watch him become someone we don't recognize just by being with her for a while, and I hope it is temporary.

DH did not respond to the text--just sent it to the counselor for their appointment this week.  The boys were supposed to go last week with BPD mom, but she canceled right before the appointment.  We don't even have the order signed yet, and things are not going well.

[david]

I went with parallel parenting several years ago. It was difficult in the beginning as my ex didn't like it either. After several extinction bursts things have quieted down for the most part. It never went away completely, at least in my case, but it is much better.

Parallel parenting does take practice to get used to and also to know when to communicate and when to not communicate. I still make mistakes but not as much. My emails are usually three to five sentences and facts only. I try to minimize my emails as much as possible. If we have to talk about a pick up time I simply state, "I will pick the boys up at (whatever time)."

[sanemom]

I went with parallel parenting several years ago. It was difficult in the beginning as my ex didn't like it either. After several extinction bursts things have quieted down for the most part. It never went away completely, at least in my case, but it is much better.

Parallel parenting does take practice to get used to and also to know when to communicate and when to not communicate. I still make mistakes but not as much. My emails are usually three to five sentences and facts only. I try to minimize my emails as much as possible. If we have to talk about a pick up time I simply state, "I will pick the boys up at (whatever time)."

I think our side has always done parallel parenting; the problem has been that while the boys don't tell us anything about what is going on at BPD mom's house, they are constantly telling her what is going on at our house.  BPD mom tries to intervene to "save then" although we frequently ignore her drama-filled emails (and then she tells the professionals that DH refuses to coparent--oh well).  

The counselor was trying to stop the dynamic from happening with BPD mom where the boys constantly report to her, but her plan didn't work.

The frustrating thing is the counselor got roped into BPD mom's story about how she felt badly for DSS and had to intervene this last time and suggested we relax the boundaries a bit.  :)H and I immediately let her know that we felt unprotected and violated when the counselor recommended we relax the boundaries.  While the counselor apologized for changing the rules on these parenting islands, she also marveled by how much mistrust is going on with everyone.  I think it is hard to trust anyone when there is a pathological liar in the mix, influencing the boys, etc.  

I am not sure how to respond to that observation... .of course we don't trust BPD mom or the boys now--I think they have proven themselves to be un-trustworthy.  The frustrating thing is that although we DO follow through on what we say, because the boys know that their mom lies, they want to think we must, too, I think, so that they don't have to make BPD mom "the bad parent."  I don't know how else to explain why they don't trust us... .I believe our actions should show that we are trustworthy.

[Turkish]

Sounds like DSS had his own extinction burst, and it's good that you withheld the money.

It's tricky here. I assume that you withheld the money due to his disrespectful attitude, not his boundary breaking with his mom, which is more her responsibility, though his is old enough to know better. Not all triangulation is bad. Can you (this is more DH's job) communicate to him that the punishment has nothing to do with his talking to his mom, but rather his attitude? Correct me if I am reading this wrongly. Is there a scenario by which you could show grace in releasing his "pay day" funds in the near future without enabling?

[sanemom]

Sounds like DSS had his own extinction burst, and it's good that you withheld the money.

It's tricky here. I assume that you withheld the money due to his disrespectful attitude, not his boundary breaking with his mom, which is more her responsibility, though his is old enough to know better. Not all triangulation is bad. Can you (this is more DH's job) communicate to him that the punishment has nothing to do with his talking to his mom, but rather his attitude? Correct me if I am reading this wrongly. Is there a scenario by which you could show grace in releasing his "pay day" funds in the near future without enabling?

I think you are right--it was an extinction burst of some sort.  He doesn't like the boundary of not complaining to his BPD mom about us.  We have decided we will pay him when DH sees him and discusses his behavior in a counseling session in a few days.  We will be hiring another teen to do the office lawn in the future so this drama will not recur.  It is unfortunate for him because this was the one way he could make some money, and I am sure his BPD mom will not have an alternative for him.

Clearly BPD mom got him all riled up and in a fighting mode.  I told DH that clearly something is not going her way, or she would not be doing that.  How is that for a sick way of comforting myself... .sigh... .

Seriously, though, I have a feeling that parenting DSS15 will be far more difficult for her than parenting her DSD who was enmeshed with her.  He will complain more, and she will want to blame DH for his complaints.

[formflier]

  I would encourage you guys to pay him on "pay day" if he did the work, regardless of his attitude.  If the point is to teach him consequences and choices in preparation for being an adult, it is important that the "world" you set up for him behaves as the adult world.  People get paid on payday.  If people don't work they don't get paid.  If attitude is shown, people may get fired or get less hours, but they get paid for what they have done so far.  Now, if "the deal" was not for him to get paid on a certain date or the goal of doing this was not to replicate the adult world, then I could have different advice.  Great job not responding to his acting out to get $$ early.  I would be "minimalist" in your talks with him about this, let the consequences do the teaching, not your words.    My nieces and nephews are in this exact same situation with "parenting islands" and a BPDish mom that uses kids to "spy" and be part of the drama.                   

FF