Adult child and our toxic relationship

[SixRings]

Whew.  Where to begin....my adult child (27) is non-binary so is a "they/them".  This is not the issue, but more how they have been distancing themselves from me for the last several years.  We started therapy together six months ago, but it has served to make me the punching bag.  They have been in therapy on their own for years and I feel it has caused great harm to our relationship.  Much was brought up about their childhood and all the parenting mistakes I made.  They use the term "incestuous" which isn't meant literally, but more meaning our relationship was more a friendship than a parent/child relationship.  I think the worst part for me is how angry/cruel they can be.  This did not appear until about 3/4 years ago.  "I don't relate to you as my mother anymore" was a doozy.  Admitting in therapy that her father's bicycle accident (almost killed him) saved them from having to spend time at the beach in Florida one summer (they hated going because we didn't entertain them enough so it was BORING).  Now, three years after my husband passed away, I have relocated to a new area and starting a new life on my own.  My child lives 1500 miles away, but has trouble supporting themselves and is about to travel and live out of their car in hopes to find a new life elsewhere.  So difficult to realize how our relationship has eroded and I'm grieving it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi SixRings
Your post is quite condensed but there is so much in it - all the things that parents of a bpd child understand so well!

First of all the issue of therapy - or more to the point particular therapists who take things at such face value! It is pot luck I think if your child engages with a therapist who really understands that what is being said about the 'target of blame' by a bpd person can be exaggerated at best, completely distorted at worst!

The problem is compounded by (a) not really listening to another version of events and (b) the fact that as a bpd person hears their version being told and accepted, it becomes more real to them - they can even begin building up the story because it brings attention and sympathy which they crave.

The feeling of being pushed into a corner with all this is so frustrating . . .

My BPD dd was quite badly treated by some people - eg other children's parents - but the story now is that I am to blame for everything. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We have so many emotions because of all this - anger, sorrow - but often grief is top of the list. Whether we are physically close to our bpd child or not, we lose them to this awful illness. It is something I am feeling acutely at this moment. My dd is spiralling and the one person who could help is the one she blames for everything and cannot listen to. It is heart breaking.

This is a place where I know people understand this journey and all the complex emotions that are part of it. You are not alone . . .

[Sasha77]

Hello SixRings and Sancho,
I am in a similar situation... did not see my Bpd DD for Xmas for the first time... she has not spoken to me for a couple of months, and now says I am "just as bad" as her father (my ex) who abandoned her years ago. She has said she wishes she had a different family...ironically my husband (her stepdad) and I have always been there for her and love her very much, but she doesn't believe it.
I can relate to the pain of being told that they do not relate to you as a mother anymore. (My DD would sometimes call me by my first name instead.)
It appears that the misplaced blame and distancing is a part of this illness.
You definitely aren't alone here! It's so painful and sometimes doesn't seem possible this is happening. 
Sending you peace and virtual hugs!
Sasha