Mum with Undiagnosed BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on this site before but I was wondering if anybody out there could help me.

My sister and I have known my mum has BPD for a long time now, we have done extensive research on the condition and although it's bad to "self-diagnose" we wanted an explanation to her behaviour. I have read some posts about people with BPD and she is not as extreme as some people's BPD so I almost feel bad for posting this but I would like some advice for how to deal with it.

Every week she will threaten to kick me or my sister out of the house for absolutely no reason and we could say something tiny and she will believe it is an attack on her character and believe we are out to get her or threaten to commit suicide if we don't agree with her. Last week she told me I was the reason for her mental illness and that I don't really want her to get better and I like that she's ill whilst I was sobbing my eyes out asking her to get help. She often memory edits situations or straight up invents things to be angry about and I don't know how to live with it.

Every time we argue my sister and I plead with her to get some professional help but she will not listen and say we are ganging up on her and making things up. She has been to a counsellor and since then she has not had the "red mist" as she called it but her emotions are not controlled in other ways. I want her to feel better and to fix our relationship but I don't know how to. Any advice would be helpful.

Thank you all.

[bearsbeatsbattle]

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on this site before but I was wondering if anybody out there could help me.

My sister and I have known my mum has BPD for a long time now, we have done extensive research on the condition and although it's bad to "self-diagnose" we wanted an explanation to her behaviour. I have read some posts about people with BPD and she is not as extreme as some people's BPD so I almost feel bad for posting this but I would like some advice for how to deal with it.

Every week she will threaten to kick me or my sister out of the house for absolutely no reason and we could say something tiny and she will believe it is an attack on her character and believe we are out to get her or threaten to commit suicide if we don't agree with her. Last week she told me I was the reason for her mental illness and that I don't really want her to get better and I like that she's ill whilst I was sobbing my eyes out asking her to get help. She often memory edits situations or straight up invents things to be angry about and I don't know how to live with it.

Every time we argue my sister and I plead with her to get some professional help but she will not listen and say we are ganging up on her and making things up. She has been to a counsellor and since then she has not had the "red mist" as she called it but her emotions are not controlled in other ways. I want her to feel better and to fix our relationship but I don't know how to. Any advice would be helpful.

Thank you all.

[once removed]

hi bearsbeatsbattle and

My sister and I have known my mum has BPD for a long time now, we have done extensive research on the condition and although it's bad to "self-diagnose" we wanted an explanation to her behaviour. I have read some posts about people with BPD and she is not as extreme as some people's BPD so I almost feel bad for posting this but I would like some advice for how to deal with it.

BPD traits run a very wide spectrum in terms of severity, and this site, and the tools, can help anyone better understand their loved one, even better support them, and navigate/cope. i have people in my life who, while not even diagnosable, have some "BPDish" qualities or traits, can be very difficult people, and it pays to know how to navigate. it doesnt take a huge batch of BPD to wreak a lot of havoc and confusion. it sounds like you and your sister are struggling, and there is hope.

tell us more. what usually leads to these blowouts where she threatens to kick you out? do they usually involve you and your sister at the same time? it sounds like in these moments, she is dysregulating... .its hard to get anywhere with a person while they are dysregulating, but there are many ways to cope, and keep things from escalating, and even improve the relationship in times of calm.

[jasmine123]

My mom also has undiagnosed BPD. I recently joined this online board and have found it very helpful. When I post about specific situation or post specific questions people have always responded and helped me find some resources. Right now I am reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is a book about coping with people in your life who have BPD. I highly recommend it as a starting point.

If she truly has BPD it will be more about changing how you respond to her, than her changing. It is very hard for people with BPD to change. But we can learn how to cope with them and experience relief and even joy in the relationship.

In addition to reading that book, I think seeking counseling is helpful. Are you a minor and unable to seek counseling without support from your mom? Or are you able to get counseling?

I am also wondering, are you a minor and are dependent on your mom? I know for me things got much better when I transitioned to adulthood and moved out. I was able to have distance and also seek help for myself without my mom interfering. Are you in a place where you can move out and begin seeking independence and healing for yourself?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board. 

I just want to echo what jasmine says here: 

If she truly has BPD it will be more about changing how you respond to her, than her changing. It is very hard for people with BPD to change. But we can learn how to cope with them and experience relief and even joy in the relationship.

This is very well said.  We can only change us and by doing so we can make a huge difference in how we feel about things.  Learning the communication tools and learning about the disorder can help depersonalize your moms behaviors and words.  For example, learning that when someone is dysregulating and lashing out and or berating you, it truly says more about what is going on for them than anything to do with you.

Do keep posting and join in other threads as it can help quite a bit.

[bearsbeatsbattle]

Unfortunately I am unable to move out but I try to stay out of her way to avoid upsetting her or causing an argument. I think I may read that book as it sounds helpful.

I have read a lot of people say that when they moved out it became better as they were able to set boundaries.

[Harri]

Yes, it is very difficult, but not impossible, to set boundaries and separate emotionally when living in the same space.  Moving can help to give physical distance and more time to work on gaining the emotional distance that is needed.

[lulubell2017]

Moving out can help you have the space you need to set boundaries in place, but as a child of a BPD you might not even know how to do that. Maybe even not be aware that you are allowed to draw certain lines. I highly suggest therapy for anyone who has to deal with a person who has a personality disorder on a regular basis. She will probably never change, so you have to change your approach and your expectations and to take care of your own mental health, above all. Having a BPD close by can literally drive a person mad at times.

[jasmine123]

That sounds like a really tough situation. It's hard to live with someone who had BPD and is even more complicated when they are your parent and you are dependent on them. You can't just stop having a relationship with them... .so what do you do?

When I was in high school and still lived with my BPD parent, I tried to cope in the same way-avoidance. It seemed to help in the short term (because it lowered the amount of emotional outbursts from my BPD parent that I had to be around) but in the long term backfired. My BPD parent become MORE focused and needy towards me. Reading the book I mentioned above has helped me understand why this happened. One partof BPD that my parent has is an intense fear of abandonment. My avoidance and withdraw from them agitated this fear- they thought they were loosing me and so fought harder to keep me in their realm of influence. The book has taught me that avoidance does not actually help in the long run. In its place it gives several more effective and healthy coping tools. Some of these include:

1. Re-framing how you think about the BPD person behaviors. (Examples = There is a reason they are acting this way-they have a mental illness and their brain is programmed differently. It's not personal. You aren't in control of how they act. You can't force them to change.)
2. Understanding how the BPD brain works so you know what may trigger a person to become intense.
3. It's also just been really validating to learn my parents behavior isn't normal!

I also have learned a lot from this page, such as
1. Ways to radically accept the situation and find peace in the midst of the distress.
2. How to diffuse conflict through the S.E.T strategy and the J.A.D.E strategy. (I can link to other posts on these if you want.)
3. Ways to let go of anger and resentment (There's a post on this!)
4. Specific ways to set up boundaries (I can also link to this post)

Since I have found 1.the book 2. counseling 3. this website so helpful, I really encourage you to keep perusing them too. It takes TIME, energy, and patience (and did I mention time? We as people are slow to change!), but the hard work is worth it. You really can have more peace and joy amidst the craziness of BPD.

[bearsbeatsbattle]

Thank you everybody for your helpful words. I feel i should update you all again and seek further advice.

With regards to avoidance, I understand that this is not an answer to anything and sometimes I am away from home for a bit and I feel at peace. Even saying that makes me feel guilty because when I'm not around she takes it out on my sister who doesn't deserve to be shouted at either. We both stand up for ourselves when fights occur. I know there's an element to which that is bad because it can trigger somebody more. But I've also read that you need to set boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour, almost like with children and you need to stand up to verbal and physical abuse. Whenever I think about it I think that it's okay she is behaving that way because she has a mental health issue but that's wrong to, it's never okay to be abused, physically or mentally. I'd like to know what you all think of this?

My mum also one day decided to see a therapist and she says she's "never felt better" when to me and my sister she's gotten worse. She hides behind the idea of therapy saying her therapist said her mean words were okay or it's okay if she does certain things because she's getting help. I can't help but feel like therapy isn't good for our relationship because it has made the situation worse. IF we challenger her on things she says her therapist says we are the problem or we are demon children to her. I've read somewhere that people with BPD either see you as an angel or a demon depending on what you're saying. I never noticed this growing up but I can see it so clearly now. If you don't agree with her you are evil and cruel and deserve to be on the street. If you agree with her you are a sweet angel who deserves treats. I understand I need to focus on myself but I would like more thoughts on this situation please?

Thank you

[Harri]

Hi BearsBB, welcome back.

 

Whenever I think about it I think that it's okay she is behaving that way because she has a mental health issue but that's wrong to, it's never okay to be abused, physically or mentally. I'd like to know what you all think of this?

I agree that mental illness is not an excuse.  My T told me, when talking about my mom also possibly being paranoid schizophrenic, that there is no mental illness that causes someone to be abusive.  That stuck with me and it feels right even though I prefer it wasn't.

It is not uncommon to hear that pwBPD often are not truthful in their therapy sessions of that the therapist said the sort of things your mom reports.  I have two thoughts on that: 1. I doubt the truth of wha is being relayed to both the therapist and then back to you and 2. if the therapist is actually saying stuff like that they are not qualified to work with people.  Either way it is not a good situation but there is little you can do. 

[bearsbeatsbattle]

I doubt this also Harri, thank you for your advice.
I think your advice is very helpful and talking about this has helped a lot.
Thank you

[Harri]

Glad it helped.   

I am not trying to push you... .okay, maybe I am a bit but (!) posting here regularly can be a huge help especially because you are still in the thick of things.  Boundaries are easier to set when you have physical distance but it can be done when you are still living with them.  People do it all the time on our Bettering a Relationship board.

We have tools here that can help.  Sometimes it can be frustrating to learn communication techniques and tools to help someone who is abusing you, but really, learning them is about helping to make life easier for you.  Some of the tools are quite effective at heading off an escalation in behavior.

What sort of things would you like to work on?  Communication strategies?  Boundaries?  Understanding some of the behaviors your mom engages in?

[once removed]

We both stand up for ourselves when fights occur. I know there's an element to which that is bad because it can trigger somebody more. But I've also read that you need to set boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour, almost like with children and you need to stand up to verbal and physical abuse. Whenever I think about it I think that it's okay she is behaving that way because she has a mental health issue but that's wrong to, it's never okay to be abused, physically or mentally. I'd like to know what you all think of this?

a member here once said "good boundaries are about having a relationship that is safe, and works".

this, of course, means different things for all of us. but its about how we navigate our relationships, how we handle/solve conflict when it arises.

boundaries can be a misleading concept when we are learning. youll read it all the time: "someone is upsetting me." "well you need to use boundaries". if only that were how boundaries worked 

i think good boundaries are not necessarily about either excusing someones abusive behavior, or trying to put them in their place. theyre about how we live our lives, both when things are good, and when there is conflict. ideally, we are doing that in a mature, conflict resolution oriented way. our boundaries come from/are tied to our values. i think sometimes too, that its easy to fall into the trap of trying to get someone to treat us according to our values, or even, that our values, above all else, are "right", which tends to drive conflict more than resolve it.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries