How do you stop thinking about it ?

[HappyChappy]

I divorced my ex 2 years ago after realising she and my mom both lacked empathy. My ex convinced me to cut off my family as my CPTSD was all down to my mother, and after extensive therapy and research I was informed I’d be retraumatised by my ex, who was also using very narcisstic behaviour. Oh the irony - history does repeat.

I understand acceptance and forgiveness are the answer and I have no feelings for my ex, but my big problem is ruminating about how she's effected my kids.  I’ve been told that because I’m dyslexic problem solver and this is the first problem I’ve either not been able to solve or been able to walk away from. I couldn’t walk away because of the kids as my ex wasn’t maternal and there was a history on her side of women in her family neglecting children. I’m scared to say I fear her because apparently women are the fairer sex, mother knows best etc... Also my ex hid behind the fact she use to be in the Police and they do no wrong, even when caught on camera.

I know I have to accept my ex can convince my kids that covid is made up, and that my son understands it’s logically unlikely the government is micro chipping us with inoculations but it never pays to challenge his mom,  but his older sister buys it every time. My son will start work next year and my guess is my ex will be less controlling once there's no financial support from me and probably encourage them my way to save money.

But I'm still stuck in an endless loop knowingly trying to solve an unsolvable problem and wanting to lift the mask when time will do that. My kids have turned out well considering, but still the injustice of it all haunts me. I get emotionally triggered whenever I hear stories of prejudice and police corruption even though none of it directly effects me. I stopped coming to this forum in an attempt to forget my childhood past – it worked. But I’m back for closure on my ex. This post took me hours to write, because I fear truth and evidence will be swiped aside by emotional arguments even though I’ve never seen that happen on here. I know the theory just need validation and practical tips to stop the ruminating. People who know me seem surprised I’m struggling because I did well in my career and just think I burnt out. Can you guys relate ?

[grumpydonut]

Reading about the disorder. And time.

They are your friends. I didn't think I'd get over it. One day you wake up and realise you have been getting over it incrementally.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks grumpydonut. I envy your brevity. Kept it all in for 40 odd years and now it flows like verbal diarrhea, maybe I should use a cork ? Or a mental diary, only I'm dyslexic so maybe a mental diarrhea ?

[SinisterComplex]

Chappy, find something new to throw yourself into. Find something you are really passionate about, but get after it and try to master it. Replace something negative and destructive with something positive and constructive. And then...stick with it. Keep up the consistency and frequency and then let time and the universe do their thing. There is no smoking gun or magic bullet. All you can do is pop your collar, brush it off your shoulder and do YOU. No reason to make anymore complex or complicated than that.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[HappyChappy]

Good point well made SinisterComplex.  Yet your point isn't sinister or complex, oh the irony.

[SinisterComplex]

Good point well made SinisterComplex.  Yet your point isn't sinister or complex, oh the irony.

LOL...I leave the name open to interpretation. It is ambiguous by design. It could mean a lot of things. Ha. Being a true scholar of human behavior I love to make people think and get underneath the surface. Maybe its a reference to a character? Maybe its based on mental health? Maybe its a mixture of both? Maybe its random? Who knows? Glad you could glean some entertainment or get a chuckle out of it. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[Ad Meliora]

Hi HappyChappy,  my answer is 'I don't know I hoped you could tell me.'  I'd love it to stop completely, the ruminating, etc... It's what drove me to find this forum a year after my break-up with my BPDex.  You have 1400 posts under your belt.  Me, being new, should be coming to you for advice.

So how about it?  If I came to you with the same problem, after all you've learned, what advice would you give me?


PS.  I totally understand this.

I get emotionally triggered whenever I hear stories of prejudice and police corruption even though none of it directly effects me--HappyChappy

I watched a movie the other night.  Nothing matched exactly, but the character looked like my BPDex and it involved emotional situations.  Totally triggered the memories of the trauma of my relationship with her.  I cried.

PPS.  Ad Meliora means "Towards Better Things" as our names may be new to you.

[babyducks]

I understand acceptance and forgiveness are the answer and I have no feelings for my ex, but my big problem is ruminating about how she's effected my kids. 

The thing that helped me most with my ruminations was ACT therapy.    ACT stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.    Its different from CBT therapy and for me, where I am, harder to find.

Basically ACT  teaches people to change the way they relate to their negative thoughts and emotions so that these thoughts don’t take over.
 
I really like the part of ACT called Cognitive Defusion, which is a way of letting go of, or minimizing intrusive negative thoughts.

A simple google search will pop up a lot of examples.   Hope you find one that fits.

[HappyChappy]

Ad Meliora and babyducks  thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.  Acceptance is important and I got there with my BPD mother and I think I’m almost there with my ex. Just had a bad day when I posted. Knowing what to do is one thing, sometimes you need reminding, hence why this forum is so helpful. Thanks again.

[Cromwell]

Very sorry to hear the situation HappyChappy.

especially as kids have to listen and pretend to put up with the paranoia and quirkiness.

im generally free from chains of thought about her but in retrospect, there are no bonds such as kids or legal ties that needed dealt with. I have at times been haunted by some of her words, once she randomly told me "see im not just a usual girlfriend right"

and based on the chaos and ptsd, she sure did fit that mould, or is it mold. Differentiated herself as special, for all the wrong reasons. I think the most important thing is the recongition that she is properly gone, is someone elses problem and that she wont ever have an influential role over my life again (I wont allow it and I reckon despite her illness she knows not to bother trying).

best,

[HappyChappy]

Thanks Cromwell,   I appreciate  your feedback, you speak a lot of sense. We first met when I was last on here and locked myself in the Ask the Expert area.  I was highly triggered at the time, so knew I should keep myself in the talking gibberish threads. Did it show that I was highly triggered ?

The good news is that although triggering my CPTSD turned me into a gibbering wreck, now I’ve recovered I realise everyone was watching my back. My friends sorted out my therapy, my sister made sure our BPD mum didn’t add to the drama, the judge saw through all her gas lighting and awarded her less than I had offered to her to avoid all the aggressive legal stuff. Even her family staged an intervention. And Skip was a very tolerant moderator in the gibberish thread.  

So all good , my kids are very happy and seem to understand what went on. It’s just amazing that my CPTSD could be “retraumitized” and come back just as strong. I should be a Happy Chappy soon enough, with a little help  from my friends. This forum is such a wonderful resource – thanks again Cromwell for your contributions (Well apart from that civil war thing - but I'm almost over that too.)

[Cromwell]

HappyChappy,

just a quick note to redeem myself that I did not intentionally ignore or miss your post, i reckon you know this over the years I always respond and always promptly. Its been strange these past few months ive grativated away for more time than historically, sometimes several days. i guess i might have recovered without actually realising it.

it sounds like in your life, some lots of things going on that have historical basis and converging together. Stress! and all sorts. I know about this, I recognise it, and good for you to know that this is a place to lean on for a bit and we have your back like you have had ours for all this time.

and yes, Skip, the moderator of forum decorum, what would be without him. a difficult job but someone has to do it, lest disordered folk like myself would turn into some pirate haven us all singing sea shanties and a lot of bar-fights, spilled drinks over as a prelude to a fight and so on, basically a lot of gibberish and in the end someone has to bring order and its part of the game. Lets face it, its rare, I see as an aggregate a place of sanctuary of healing and mutual respect. ive stood out sometimes as seeing my own behaviour as outrageous and that has helped too. I mean, I want to get to the stage where I post like a person that these psychology undergrads cant profile as "ah, he is still hurt, what a troubled soul, what a complex mix of emotion".

I dont like them because I dont like crazy people,. and once upon a time I loved my ex, the epitome of insanity, and I had to re-learn not to do such stupid things and grow up.

 so yes its good to have someone like Skip in charge of forum rules and decorum and not me because with the take no prisoners absolutism walk the plank mantra, clean with bleach, no-one would be here and including myself and well, suppose id create a heaven with no people in it .

anyway enough jibberish or gibberish. Its good from my perspective to see that senior members have bad days, otherwise I get suspicious and think they arent actually human but some sort of highly intelligent bots programmed by Skip.

ok certainly enough gibberish, 2 weeks on im sure your alright now, and good to hear from you. onwards to victory.

Crom

[HappyChappy]

just a quick note to redeem myself ... ive grativated away for more time than historically, sometimes several days.

You have no need to redeem yourself, I always enjoy your posts - different strokes for different folks. Do you think gravitating away is a sign you're healing ?

it sounds like in your life, some lots of things going on that have historical basis and converging together. Stress! and all sorts.
... I dont like crazy people,. and once upon a time I loved my ex, the epitome of insanity, and I had to re-learn not to do such stupid things and grow up.

You're very perceptive.

I've figured out why I came back to this thread. I helped a friend in need who was being trolled by BPD/NPD behaviour – but I’d forgotten people with a PD hate being called out and will then target you. They really triggered my CPTSD but the ship has been steadied by reminding myself of the good advice on here. I hope your pirate ship finds calm waters soon Cromwell, you’re a good man.  

[Cromwell]

Thanks Captain.

well I only have one last quesiton for you Happy Chappy, I feel you might be up for it.

Q. What do we do with a drunken sailor?

rhetorical I know so here goes

A. make them realise they are living in an oppressed system and start a mutiny. they are only paid wage labour for poor work conditions and as soon as they get free time, they are stuck at work (ship) with nothing to do and end up spending money on alcohol, for which the ship make money frombecausethey cant go to a supermarket. so we stand by them.

answer you want? haha. ;)