trial for sole legal custody

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

OK, now turn it around and write some positive stuff about your own parenting - what you're doing and what you want to do in the future - and how it helps S12.

(If you spend too much time on negative stuff about your ex, that won't look good.)

My son and I have a strong bond and I'm a loving, attentive parent. I'm the parent who takes him to church, who organizes his social calendar, who takes him to see a counselor, who meets with his teachers and the guidance counselor at school. He has a loving relationship with my family and sees them every year.

I actively seek support and services for my son, and look for solutions to make sure he succeeds in school. I have spent hundreds of hours since 2008 trying to figure out what works for him, how the process at school works, what the diagnoses mean, who has the skills to help him, both inside school and out. I set up meetings, initiate contact, and work to help him develop healthy habits and tools to help him succeed.

I believe a child should never, ever be put in the middle of a dispute between parents. I never speak ill of N/BPDx when I talk to S12. When N/BPDx shows up at events, I want S12 to avoid feeling a loyalty bind, so I tell him to go say hi to his father and tell him where I'll be when he's ready.

Looks great to me!

So now... . what are some questions that he might ask, that could be hard to handle?

[Matt]

OK, now turn it around and write some positive stuff about your own parenting - what you're doing and what you want to do in the future - and how it helps S12.

(If you spend too much time on negative stuff about your ex, that won't look good.)

My son and I have a strong bond and I'm a loving, attentive parent. I'm the parent who takes him to church, who organizes his social calendar, who takes him to see a counselor, who meets with his teachers and the guidance counselor at school. He has a loving relationship with my family and sees them every year.

I actively seek support and services for my son, and look for solutions to make sure he succeeds in school. I have spent hundreds of hours since 2008 trying to figure out what works for him, how the process at school works, what the diagnoses mean, who has the skills to help him, both inside school and out. I set up meetings, initiate contact, and work to help him develop healthy habits and tools to help him succeed.

I believe a child should never, ever be put in the middle of a dispute between parents. I never speak ill of N/BPDx when I talk to S12. When N/BPDx shows up at events, I want S12 to avoid feeling a loyalty bind, so I tell him to go say hi to his father and tell him where I'll be when he's ready.

Looks great to me!

So now... . what are some questions that he might ask, that could be hard to handle?

[livednlearned]

So now... . what are some questions that he might ask, that could be hard to handle?

It isn't the questions that will be hard to handle, it's knowing that he will be tricky in how he asks them. And I'm not sure how he'll do that, exactly, just that he will do it. He is going to get me to admit to the following:

He says I am alienating S12 from him.

He says I had an affair.

He says I was treated for depression, anger issues, eating disorders, and drug and alcohol abuse

He says I have lied about why I take S12 to psychologists and psychiatrists, and that I'm inventing these issues because I'm sick.

He says I abducted S12 repeatedly.

[Matt]

Let me try... . just brainstorming here... . others can chime in too I hope... .

Accuses you of alienation:  "I believe a child should never, ever be put in the middle of a dispute between parents. I never speak ill of N/BPDx when I talk to S12. When N/BPDx shows up at events, I want S12 to avoid feeling a loyalty bind, so I tell him to go say hi to his father and tell him where I'll be when he's ready."  (Just using your words, that you already worked out as a key part of your "message" - plugging them in here where they fit pretty well.)

Accuses you of an affair:  For this one I would suggest not engaging.  If he makes any false statements, repeat what he said, and then state that it is false, and he hasn't backed it up with evidence, and stop.  If he is more vague, it may be best to ignore it.  The reason is that, unless he shows that the child has somehow been impacted, it's probably not relevant.  So maybe, "Mr. Ex is accusing me of having affairs while we were together, but I never did." and let it go at that.

Depression, anger issues, etc.:  Be prepared to say what is true.  My wife's lawyer also said stuff like this;  my truth was, "In 2006, after my parents died and my son went to prison, I realized I needed some help to deal with it, so I found a counselor, and followed his advice, and that helped a lot.  Then in 2008, my psych eval showed that I am at risk for substance abuse;  I wasn't drinking or using any drugs, and Dr. CE recommended I stay on that path, and I have."  Don't be afraid to tell your own truth - your own issues that you have dealt with and are still dealing with - we all have them.  You will (like me!) look good compared with the other party who obviously has issues but isn't dealing with them.

Your motives for taking S12 to counseling:  Again, tell your truth and if he persists, challenge him to provide any evidence you are lying.  I was challenged about taking my kids to a counselor, and I told my truth:  "I was concerned about S8 and D10 dealing with so much stress after we separated, so I talked to the school counselor, Ms. C, and she recommended her predecessor in that job, Ms. B, who is now in private practice.  I met once with Ms. B, and then I've taken the kids to see her regularly, and I think she is giving them good tools for dealing with stuff."  When her lawyer implied I had other motives:  "I have told you what I did and why.  The kids have benefitted from seeing Ms. B."  The result was that the judge ordered that the kids keep seeing that counselor, and that my wife pay part of the cost - a good outcome.

(One theme I would suggest, is not to "take the bait".  When he goes negative, you don't need to buy into his way of saying things.  You can fall back on what you've written here - your message - your truth - your way of saying things.  And you can repeat yourself if needed;  in normal conversation we try not to repeat ourselves, but in court, if you already answered a question well, and he continues with that subject, you can say it again, or even say, "I already answered that." and stop.  Don't feel the need to go further - that can add risk.)

Accusations that you "abducted" S12:  This one might best be handled by your lawyer, because it sounds like an accusation of a crime.  Maybe your lawyer can step in and ask that he be specific:  "Mr. Ex, please be specific about what you are accusing Ms. Learned of doing - what dates and places."  When those are clear, then if he is accusing you of a crime, your lawyer might continue:  "Mr. Ex, do you realize you are accusing Ms. Learned of a crime?  And that a false accusation of a crime, here in court, is against the law?"  In my state, it is a crime to make a false criminal accusation, and I bet it is in yours too - maybe you can find out, and be prepared to handle it accordingly:  "I have never abducted anyone, and you cannot show evidence that I have.  I will be glad to describe what I remember of that day.  I will also discuss this with my attorney and take appropriate action, since I believe it is against the law for you to make a false accusation that I commmitted a crime."

Maybe you can find out from your lawyer, or online research, exactly what constitutese "abduction" in your state, and then say what happened, and show that it doesn't fit that definition.

But your lawyer might caution you not to talk about that - any criminal accusation - maybe it would be better just to say, "If you are accusing me of a crime, this is not the right place to deal with that.  I will ask my lawyer to take appropriate action to hold you accountable for making a false accusation." and end that topic.

[ForeverDad]

He says I had an affair.

  (Whether true or not, is this even of any concern to the court? L may chime in, "Objection, relevance!"

He says I have lied about why I take S12 to psychologists and psychiatrists, and that I'm inventing these issues because I'm sick.

(L will object, he's not a medical doctor, he's not qualified and shouldn't speculate about conclusions.)

A lot of this is meant to condemn you.  Your lawyer will object to most of it if he tries it.  Let your lawyer guide you about the blaming, condemning questions.  If in doubt, watch your lawyer, have a signal where you know whether to proceed or not.

[KateCat]

Ah, ForeverDad has just said what I was going to say. Just that little moment of a pause and a glance at your attorney before responding . . . will allow her to do the heavy lifting that she has been preparing for in this case. (The other nice thing about a pause is that it allows his accusations to hang suspended in the air of open court for a moment and for everyone's silent consideration.)

[Matt]

He says I had an affair.

  (Whether true or not, is this even of any concern to the court? L may chime in, "Objection, relevance!"

He says I have lied about why I take S12 to psychologists and psychiatrists, and that I'm inventing these issues because I'm sick.

(L will object, he's not a medical doctor, he's not qualified and shouldn't speculate about conclusions.)

A lot of this is meant to condemn you.  Your lawyer will object to most of it if he tries it.  Let your lawyer guide you about the blaming, condemning questions.  If in doubt, watch your lawyer, have a signal where you know whether to proceed or not.

Yeah, good point.  Better to let your lawyer stop it, than to get mired in irrelevant stuff.

[AnotherPhoenix]

 

N/BPDx participates in the decision-making process, to S12's detriment. N/BPD's vendetta, his rage, and his poor judgement clouds his ability to focus on supporting S12, and as a result his involvement has had a negative effect on S12.

N/BPDx bullies, intimidates, and uses threats, just as he did with the PC, who just testified. It is not possible to make joint decisions with someone who cannot regulate his emotions and behavior, and this undermines doing what is best for S12.

N/BPDx does not have good judgement about what constitutes reasonable behavior, and does not take responsibility for his own decisions. He voluntary scrapped the 3x week Skype calls with S12, which the PC confirmed, and then makes false allegations that I am alienating S12 from his father. He also talks about those false allegations with S12. 

Good things to say. I also like the suggestions about stating the good things you try to do to be a good parent.

Combining the two would help the court connect the dots: How his actions interfere with your efforts to be a good parent. And, perhaps you can talk about how he is actively interfering with the court's efforts to do the right thing regarding custody of your son, you have excellent examples of the latter that your judge has experienced himself, such as your ex's disregarding orders and his interactions with your PC. E.g., You wanted to take your son to visit with your family in Canada, which you were legally allowed to, but your ex made it very difficult for you to do this. You also have your emails to show that trying to work with your ex just doesn't work.

Give the court specific examples to back up what you are saying.

It isn't the questions that will be hard to handle, it's knowing that he will be tricky in how he asks them. And I'm not sure how he'll do that, exactly, just that he will do it. He is going to get me to admit to the following:

He says I am alienating S12 from him.

He says I had an affair.

He says I was treated for depression, anger issues, eating disorders, and drug and alcohol abuse

He says I have lied about why I take S12 to psychologists and psychiatrists, and that I'm inventing these issues because I'm sick.

He says I abducted S12 repeatedly.

You've already gotten great advice on how to deal with these. I particularly like the previously stated idea of letting your lawyer deal with the legally objectionable questions: no evidence, misleading, etc.

I also like the suggestions about using his accusations focus on him. They illustrate how difficult it is to deal with him. They also provide good opportunities to attack is NPD psyche. For example, your ex's 'evidence' is probably 'mindreading.'

Of course he can't read your mind. Your lawyer could say something like: "Are you saying that you are a mind reader?".

Don't let him intimidate you. You are doing the right thing. Build your confidence. It helped me in my court proceedings to review in my mind my reasons why you are asking for full custody, with specific examples. He is difficult to deal with regarding custody. You have lots of good reasons why.

Wishing you the best,

AnotherPheonix   

[livednlearned]

Sole legal custody!

Where's the emoticon for weeping joy?

And he pays my legal fees back all the way back to last summer.

And in the new visitation schedule, S12 is with me every other weekend. N/BPDx didn't even ask for make-up time, so S12 will now spend 16 hours a month total with his dad.

Only friends here can imagine how this feels   Thank you everyone, I thought so much about everything you said and really needed your support.  

[livednlearned]

Sorry for the short post -- I'm exhausted, but will post more later.

[Rose Tiger]

WONDERFUL NEWS!    I'm so happy for you and your kiddo! 

[KateCat]

Terrific! Such wonderful news for you and your son. 

What courage you have shown.

[seeking balance]

 

Enjoy the peace

[Matt]

Wow - congratulations!

Sorry for the short post -- I'm exhausted, but will post more later.

Please do!

[Forward2free]

This is amazing news LnL. I am SO happy for you 

[GaGrl]

Excellent!

[ForeverDad]

Although the situation is so sad, the outcome considering the circumstances is a wonderful relief.

[momtara]

YAY!

So great to hear another thing turning out right.

It's too bad we all have to go through so much crap and fear (not to mention money!) to get there.

Do something good for yourself.  Celebrate!

[DreamGirl]

       

Hope you are feeling relieved and rested today. 

[atcrossroads]

Sole legal custody!

Where's the emoticon for weeping joy?

And he pays my legal fees back all the way back to last summer.

And in the new visitation schedule, S12 is with me every other weekend. N/BPDx didn't even ask for make-up time, so S12 will now spend 16 hours a month total with his dad.

Only friends here can imagine how this feels   Thank you everyone, I thought so much about everything you said and really needed your support.  

+1,000,000!  I've been following your thread, and I'm so happy for you.  MUCH DESERVED.  I assume your husband really showed his a$$ in court.  I love that he has to pay all your court fees - good job, judge.

Props to your lawyer for kicking butt and to YOU for your tenacity in researching and preparing for the big day.  Also, props to Foreverdad, Matt, and the others here who gave you phenomenal advice.  I can't imagine how stressful it all must have been.  VICTORY DANCE!

[livednlearned]

Reflecting back on what worked, and what happened in court:

Joint legal custody was a sticking point for me right from the beginning (2.5 years ago when we mediated). We were able to mediate everything except that. So it's right there in my original consent order that I did not agree to joint legal and decision-making was a matter for the court to decide. I can't say for sure, but I think that being consistent in what I knew to be best for S12 was important. But other things were important too.

1. Third-party professional.

The parenting coordinator's testimony was key. She said N/BPDx's communication style went from being cooperative and professional to "critical, hostile, inflammatory, bullying, threatening, and at times, opaque" when she set a limit for him. When the judge ruled, he said ":)r. PC is the best in the business, and if you can't get along with her, you can't get along with anyone. Sole custody for the mother."

2. Documentation.

Emails that N/BPDx sent to me, to the PC, to my L, to S12, plus the more than 100+ messages he sent during some kind of psychotic episode last summer. Every time N/BPDx tried to present a positive spin, or negate something the PC said, there was an email indicating the exact opposite. Same for my testimony. For example, N/BPDx sent a crazy Authorization to Travel document that was allegedly his Letter of Consent for me to travel with S12. He was trying to say that he was complying with the order. But then there's an email of him saying to my parents, "If LnL can get your grandchild through customs with that letter of consent, it will be a miracle."

3. Credibility. 

My testimony, plus the positive things the PC said about me. She said "LnL used my services judiciously, and was not a parent who copied me on every email. She was able to assess which situations required my services, and engaged me when she wanted strategies for handling situations so that there was minimum impact to S12."

4. A good lawyer.

My L was fantastic. I saw three other cases being tried before mine, and all of them had inexperienced lawyers. It made me appreciate how good my L really is.

5. BPD speaks for itself.

N/BPDx representing himself. Wow, was that ever something to watch. He was very articulate, super calm, and I could see that he was competent, at least in a court theater kind of way. But when I look at the volume of evidence, including having Dr. PC testify, I don't know what he was thinking to even show up for court. His arguments were weak on two counts -- one, he assumed that he could have his 5 motions heard, even though they were not properly noticed. So the judge wouldn't allow any of them, and that's really what N/BPDx had prepared for. So whenever he referred to anything that happened before our last hearing in September, my L objected. The judge sustained all of those objections, and there had to be close to 30 of them. Also -- and this is crazy -- one of the motions he filed was to remove S12 from my custody. So he wasn't asking for custody, he was just asking to remove S12 from my custody. Nuts!

6. Psychiatric Evaluation.

Speaking of nuts, there was also the psych eval. I was initially not allowed to see it, although I was permitted to talk to my L about it. The psychiatrist who evaluated N/BPDx diagnosed him as NPD. It was not the MMPI-2. She didn't dx him bipolar, although said that family history, his behavior, and inability to tolerate certain medications indicated further evaluation, and that he should cease drinking alcohol so that a psychiatrist could determine whether bipolar was presenting. During my testimony, N/BPDx asked me if there was anything in the psych eval that indicated he was unsafe to the minor child, and I responded that I had not read it. The judge told N/BPDx that it was up to him, and N/BPDx said I could read it. So I have a copy. He admits in the report that he drank alcohol the night he had his episode -- in our order, it says that he was not allowed to drink before or during visitation with S12. If I hadn't been awarded sole custody, I would've been furious that my L didn't catch that. But it's there if I ever need it -- if N/BPDx ever tries something down the road, I can point to that, among all the other stuff.

A few things happened early in the trial that were interesting. N/BPDx kept saying that I abducted the minor child. My L said that he was accusing me of a crime, and that he had not charged me with a crime, no crime had been committed, no court had found that I engaged in a crime, and if he continued to allege that I had "abducted" the minor child, he should be held accountable by the court. Judge said, Mr. N/BPDx, you can no longer use the word "abduction."

N/BPDx also kept saying that I alienated the minor child from him. My L said "Your honor, N/BPDx is using a word that does not meet the criteria of the court, and I ask that he refrain from using that word." Judge said he understood N/BPDx was using the word to express how he felt, and that he would allow it, knowing that it was not meeting the court's criteria.

So abduction, no. Alienation, ok.

N/BPDx seemed to be focusing on very small bits and pieces of evidence. My L focused on the big picture, and the pattern. With a good L, and a good neutral third-party witness, and with N/BPDx representing himself, plus 2.5 years of BPD behavior, it was a shoe-in, I think. Or a shoe-in in terms of waiting a really long time for the mental illness to show, plus buckets of money to pay for all the craziness hitting the courts.

Trial lasted about 4 hours, and my L didn't even cross-examine N/BPDx. His closing argument was lame. He just said that a child needs two parents, and that it was in S12's best interests to have his dad be involved in decision-making. But after everything that came out about his bad judgment, his anger and rage, his bullying and threats, his pattern of making everything about him instead of S12, that closing statement went over like a lead balloon.

When N/BPDx was cross-examining me, I didn't have eye contact with him and I think that helped. By the time I was on deck, I had already heard the PC go, and her testimony was so good that I was able to say, "My experienced is similar to what Dr. PC said, that N/BPDx did xyz." Toward the end of N/BPDx cross-examining me, I knew it was getting bad. He was asking me if I knew that S12 ran into his arms when he arrived every Sat and Sun. And he made a big deal about me having an iPhone, while S12 didn't.   Like that was a sign I was a bad mother and must be alienating S12 from his dad, who also has an iPhone. He also asked me why I didn't pay $45 to get the last 12 years of S12's medical records, as though failure to do so made me a bad mother.

Anyway, it's over! Now I just need the title to my car, and for N/BPDx to refinance the house. And pay the legal fees.   Maybe I'll feel like I'm really divorced when those things are finally done.

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks for the play by play LnL, stories like this should be stickied for folks dealing with this in the future.  Four hours!  Dang!  Did ex cross examine the PC?  Good that he showed his true colors to her, sounds like he did ping her a lot compared to your careful consideration of when to contact her.

When I was hooked up with a NPD partner, he was in a custody battle for his 5 yo son.  He did not care what was good for the boy, he only cared about 'winning'.  Both he and his ex wife presented as total nut bars in the pysh evals.  He used his L as a therapist to talk about his 'horrible' ex, the legal bills were in the 10's of thousands as those billable hours racked up.  That turned into 50/50 custody, then the legal battle over what elementary school the kiddo would go to.  It just never ended.  The kiddo seemed well on the way to sociopath, I caught him abusing the dog... . he liked to torture fish when we'd go fishing and had some we caught in a bucket.  I wonder how that kiddo is doing now, probably not good. 

So there was some law preventing him from getting kiddo an iphone himself?  Where's my iphone?  I want some justice here!

[livednlearned]

Did ex cross examine the PC?  Good that he showed his true colors to her, sounds like he did ping her a lot compared to your careful consideration of when to contact her.

Yes, he cross-examined her. For about an hour. He kept asking her to read sentences in emails that he had written. ":)r. PC, can you read the third paragraph of this email." And PC would say, "Mr N/BPDx, you continue to ask me to read emails that you have written, which I will do, but I'm not sure why you are asking me to read your emails to me." And my L started to object, saying, "The document speaks for itself, your honor. I ask that we do not spend hours today reading Mr. N/BPDx's emails." And the judge agreed.

N/BPDx has always been paranoid, and he spent a bunch of time trying to prove that he was in cahoots with S12's therapist. For what, I don't know. He even got Dr. PC to explain her billing statements, because she did not bill in chronological order, and one of the items was a conversation with S12's therapist. And it was out of order!   

N/BPDx also accused her of being my advocate, and for not "absolving him" for the "outburst" he had last summer, and for letting me do anything I wanted, including "criminal activities." It was kinda over the top.

[Matt]

So one lesson here is that if the other party has some psychological disorder, like BPD or NPD, when he is put under stress - as your ex certainly was at the trial - their ugly side will show.

In some cases, we can find a way to make that happen earlier in the process, like depositions or hearings, which might be cheaper than going all the way to trial.

[livednlearned]

So one lesson here is that if the other party has some psychological disorder, like BPD or NPD, when he is put under stress - as your ex certainly was at the trial - their ugly side will show.

In some cases, we can find a way to make that happen earlier in the process, like depositions or hearings, which might be cheaper than going all the way to trial.

I had a deposition about 1.5 years ago, before the psychotic episode last summer, and I have attended two hearings after we mediated. If N/BPDx hadn't had his outburst last year, there were two ways my case would have gone.

One, we would have ended up with a PC no matter what, because that's what our Ls had agreed was best for us. The PC would've encountered N/BPDx's disorder one way or the other. And the deposition would have become much more important because my L focused on his alcoholism. The takeaway should be that a third-party professional can be a huge help in your case, but I've read too many stories here about incompetent third parties, especially guardian ad litems, custody evaluators, and minor's counsels. My PC was not court-ordered, so that gave me some leeway in picking a competent person. I picked a PC who trains other PCs. She's known to be ethical and very good at what she does. With the wrong person, it could've been a disaster. I heard stories about PCs who take money under the table, for example.

Two, we would have waited for the evidence to accumulate, and then used the deposition to show how severe the alcoholism was. I suspect we both would have been subject to psych evals. Instead, N/BPDx had his episode, and the PC ordered a psych eval for him, but not for me, since I hadn't warranted one. When my L and I were walking out of court, she said that if we had gone straight to trial 2 years ago, it would've been a 2-day trial and the outcome would've been a 50% chance of it working in my favor.

That's another important point -- what happens once the court clock starts, meaning when you file and start mediating or settling or filing motions -- that time counts more than anything else. Once you start signing court documents and settling things, it's like a trap is being set. And you want the trap to spring on your ex, not on yourself. That's the tactical part of this whole process that has nothing to do with what is true or false. It's just procedure. You can't bring up stuff that happened before x date when you settled y issue.

I don't know, each case is so different. But the one takeaway for me -- be persistent and (like you often say, Matt) have goals and then find an L who can help you strategize how to reach those goals. It took more money than I had, and it took longer than I wanted, but I persisted, and it worked out for me.

[nowheretogo]

Hi lnl, I just read this entire thread for the first time.  You have always been so helpful to me, and I can tell by reading your thread, that you will continue to be an invaluable resource to me in my future!  First, I am soo thrilled for you winning sole legal custody, which is something I submitted for in my parenting plan, because I can tell I need it for D3's sake, yet will probably take time to achieve because it is just so common for all cases to be given joint legal here in PA.  I need to pick your brain so much in order to help me with this.  And I am also so excited about how much physical custody you have; what a hopeful prospect for S12!

As you have said before, our ex's seem very similar.  I need to know more about body language in court, answering questions, etc, although I don't know for absolute sure that there will be a hearing after the custody evaluations (just beginning) are over.

I really connected with you on your feeling that "Maybe I'll actually feel divorced when all of this is over"!  He has been moved out for 4 months, now, yet I am still looking over my shoulder, and get nervous/anxious everytime I see his name in my email inbox or on a text message!

I also am anticipating all the crap he is going to try to "prove" about me in court that just isn't true.

Did you do custody evaluations?  I am just starting the process, and would like as much advice on them as possible

Again, congratulations on keeping your chin held high through all of the heartache and turmoil, and achieving for your S12 the very best care that he deserves (from you, of course!)

[livednlearned]

First, I am soo thrilled for you winning sole legal custody, which is something I submitted for in my parenting plan, because I can tell I need it for D3's sake, yet will probably take time to achieve because it is just so common for all cases to be given joint legal here in PA.

Same for me in NC! When I first retained my L, she said a trial to get sole custody would take 2 days and the outcome would be a 50% chance of me getting what I wanted. That was 2.5 years ago.

  I need to pick your brain so much in order to help me with this. 

I'm in your corner   

About the physical custody situation: The bummer is that it took a fairly serious episode of N/BPDx being extremely impaired (alcohol, Ambien, some kind of painkiller) to shift the likelihood of me getting sole custody. He wrote over 100 messages in a 12 hour period, all night long.

About the legal custody situation: The good part is that N/BPDx was unable to work with a parenting coordinator, and she was my key witness. She ordered the psych eval (based on the crazy night), and she set limits that were entirely reasonable. We, as nons, tend to have a hard time doing that. When someone professional steps in to do that, and pwBPD can't function, that's helpful to us. If you live in a state where they use PCs, make sure you get someone who is a psychologist.

I really connected with you on your feeling that "Maybe I'll actually feel divorced when all of this is over"!  He has been moved out for 4 months, now, yet I am still looking over my shoulder, and get nervous/anxious everytime I see his name in my email inbox or on a text message!

It will get easier. People have been telling me the same thing about N/BPDx for years and years. My L, my T, my friends -- I didn't really get it. Until I left, and I started healing, and getting stronger, and not being worn down by N/BPDx. I lost so much confidence in myself living with him. 4 months out is not long. Just wait until a year. You'll look back on things that happened and wonder why they seemed so hard.

I get emails from N/BPDx now and they barely register on my radar. You'll get there too.

I also am anticipating all the crap he is going to try to "prove" about me in court that just isn't true.

I was too. The lies were unbelievable. Literally! When I listened to N/BPDx's bs in court, it was really obvious how disordered and distorted (and frankly paranoid) his thinking was. He was a guy in quicksand.

Unfortunately, it takes time to establish his pattern of neglect and inconsistency that is going to undermine him. Let's hope the custody eval is an accurate representation. Don't be surprised if the eval is very watered down compared to what you know to be true about him -- I think many of them are, unless there is something really awful going on. What you want is enough documentation to show a pattern about him. It will take a bunch of things to get that message across. Including his own testimony. He doesn't know the difference between healthy/normal emotional behavior, and that is going to come out in court.

Did you do custody evaluations?  I am just starting the process, and would like as much advice on them as possible

I didn't have one done. I think Matt is a good resource with these, and others who were court-ordered to do them. I don't know why my L didn't suggest them. I think N/BPDx is extremely narcissistic, and for reasons of largesse and condescension, he acted extremely cooperative during my initial mediation. He was performing for his L, I think. So his disorder was subtle, unless you understand narcissism.

Again, congratulations on keeping your chin held high through all of the heartache and turmoil, and achieving for your S12 the very best care that he deserves (from you, of course!)

It wasn't (isn't) an easy journey, but you know what? It taught me how strong I am. It made me become a real grown up 

You are going to be an amazing role model for your kids.

[Suzn]

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