Trying to understand

[tresie]

My granddaughter has all the traits of of BPD. Her father was diagnosed with BPD after going into day therapy when my granddaughter was about 7 years old. She is 30 years old now and has 2 young sons. She lived with her husband for 2 years before they married and of course this condition was not being exhibited at that time. She did suffer from depression and spoke of suicide one time while in college. Her mother (my daughter) sought help for her at that time,  and she had some counseling every 2 weeks for about a year.  We saw her more has suffering with episodes of depression during college and most of the time she seemed normal. After the birth of her first child, symptoms of BPD started to unfold.  I have read some about this and intend to do more reading, but I am guessing the fear of losing those she loved i.e. husband and child, may have triggered the symptoms.  Over the past 5 years, the symptoms have only increased to the point we all feel like we are on a roller coaster. Some family members don't enjoy or try to avoid being around her thinking she is a little crazy. We have all remarked to one another that oh my gosh she is acting like her dad. Never stopping to think - until now - that possibly there could be a genetic link. Also she suffered trauma with his unstable behavior. He was mentally abusive to her as a child and an adult.  He told her once that he was not sure she was even his child.  On my next visit with my granddaughter, she was in distress about that remark and had pulled out pictures wanting me to reassure her that he was her dad.  So very sad and breaks my heart - this was 3 years ago. She now has a second son and BPD behaviors getting more prevalent and more frequent. 

Her husband has reached out to his mother and father in-law so there is a line of communication. The husband asks my daughter things like - please call your daughter and tell her to let me into the house; she has locked me out again. He would never do something like break a window or kick down a door because he cares too much about what affect this may have on his children.  Also, she has left with the boys in the middle of the night because she is angry with me over God knows what - so please call her and tell her to stop this.  So you can see the roller coaster continues.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi tresie

I'm sorry to read about your granddaughter. It's painful to watch our family member struggle to cope and on that rollercoaster. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. It sounds like there's quite a few if you that need emotional support as you try to navigate through.

How much interaction do you have with your granddaughter and her kids?

Hugs

LP

[tresie]

Hi LP

I have quite a bit of interaction with my granddaughter and 2 great grandsons. I would like more of course; we recently moved and now it is only a 2 hour drive instead of a 6 hour drive to see them. She and I have spoke about getting together more now that I am closer.  I have offered to stay with the boys while she and her husband have a get away together. Something they have not done - alone - in a long time.  I have been told by a counselor that the husband will have more leverage with her and can plead with her to get help for the sake of the children and their marriage.  I truly believe in my heart that my granddaughter does not want to tear down her family unit. But to date, she will not accept that there is anything wrong with her. She is being stubborn for some reason because in her college years, she had bad depression and went to counseling.  She also took an anti-depressant before having children and her husband said it really made a difference.  I feel the more happiness (husband, home, children) that she has - the more she lets those thoughts & anxiety in of being abandoned, unworthy, losing it all.  I pray for the husband to have the courage to stand up and insist that they go to counseling for the sake of the family.  I am reading recommended books and doing my own reaching out for myself so I can interact with her on a healthy level.  I realize I do not have the power to make anyone get help if they don't want it.  Since reaching out I have found much more peace, hope & knowledge and feel I can be more patient and understanding and not take it personally.   

[Lollypop]

Hi LP
I am reading recommended books and doing my own reaching out for myself so I can interact with her on a healthy level.  I realize I do not have the power to make anyone get help if they don't want it.  Since reaching out I have found much more peace, hope & knowledge and feel I can be more patient and understanding and not take it personally.   

This is great news and is all we can do. I found that if I just focussed on my core relationship with my DS rather than the problems he started to respond to me. Slowly slowly he started to share his thoughts. We all want the same thing in life: to be loved and understood. It sounds like she's under a lot of pressure on all fronts. My DS felt so judged, overwhelmed by our expectations. I got to be a light fairy, open hearted and warm and we enjoyed it. It was good to not deal with the problems but the relationship, always with the hope that this would be a base to build on. It worked for us.

We are all different though, each family is unique. If something's not working than a change of approach is needed. I lightened up.

Is this your only granddaughter?

Lp