How to stop the pain of detaching...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Leaving Board!

We have a lot of new folks on leaving that are in pain, scared and maybe even stuck.

Why is detaching from these relationships so hard?  

Why does the pain hurt so much?

With my head spinning, I cannot even begin to label what I am feeling... .  how do I make it stop?

Whether it is ptsd, addiction, our own core abandonment - we ALL have a ton of pain.

For me, when my ex moved out of our house and I was confirmed about the affairs (plural, yes)... .  I literally puked every day for a month.  I was a mess, I broke contact, I tried a reasonable approach when dealing with the divorce process - nothing I said or did was changing the fact - we were done, she was with one of our close friends now - and "oh yeah" this all happened because she was "surviving" the best she could in an abusive relationship.  To say that I was an emotional mess is an understatement.

The pain and disbelief was incredible - I was a bit obsessed with "my exes" recovery - and gratefully - senior members pointed out, "Let her deal with her issues, why don't you start dealing with yours."

Now, I had been to T a couple times in my life - I am a firm believer in it - kinda like an emotional mechanic - what other issues could I really deal with anyways?  geez

Detaching from this relationship was the biggest test in emotional maturity that one can imagine... .  there is no perfect way, but going through the entire process will rebuild you.

Stopping the initial pain - how to do this?  You don't

You FEEL it.  Cry, hit pillows, run, write - whatever it takes until it works its way through you.  You will survive it.

What doesn't work? calling or contacting your ex in hopes of relieving the pain; overusing alcohol, drugs, sex; a new relationship, doing nothing.

Each time we DONT fall into the trap of things that don't work - we rebuild a little bit of our self confidence.  This process may go on for a year - but hear me - eventually you won't have those urges and at the same time you will have self respect.

Is this easy?  NO

Senior members - jump in here - was there a short cut to surviving the pain for you?

Peace,

SB

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board!

We have a lot of new folks on leaving that are in pain, scared and maybe even stuck.

Why is detaching from these relationships so hard?  

Why does the pain hurt so much?

With my head spinning, I cannot even begin to label what I am feeling... .  how do I make it stop?

Whether it is ptsd, addiction, our own core abandonment - we ALL have a ton of pain.

For me, when my ex moved out of our house and I was confirmed about the affairs (plural, yes)... .  I literally puked every day for a month.  I was a mess, I broke contact, I tried a reasonable approach when dealing with the divorce process - nothing I said or did was changing the fact - we were done, she was with one of our close friends now - and "oh yeah" this all happened because she was "surviving" the best she could in an abusive relationship.  To say that I was an emotional mess is an understatement.

The pain and disbelief was incredible - I was a bit obsessed with "my exes" recovery - and gratefully - senior members pointed out, "Let her deal with her issues, why don't you start dealing with yours."

Now, I had been to T a couple times in my life - I am a firm believer in it - kinda like an emotional mechanic - what other issues could I really deal with anyways?  geez

Detaching from this relationship was the biggest test in emotional maturity that one can imagine... .  there is no perfect way, but going through the entire process will rebuild you.

Stopping the initial pain - how to do this?  You don't

You FEEL it.  Cry, hit pillows, run, write - whatever it takes until it works its way through you.  You will survive it.

What doesn't work? calling or contacting your ex in hopes of relieving the pain; overusing alcohol, drugs, sex; a new relationship, doing nothing.

Each time we DONT fall into the trap of things that don't work - we rebuild a little bit of our self confidence.  This process may go on for a year - but hear me - eventually you won't have those urges and at the same time you will have self respect.

Is this easy?  NO

Senior members - jump in here - was there a short cut to surviving the pain for you?

Peace,

SB

[turtle]

Senior members - jump in here - was there a short cut to surviving the pain for you?

Um... .  no short cuts.  That sucks, but it does make the recovery more permanent.  If there were "short cuts," we might not fully experience the pain needed to make sure we don't return to the insanity.

Every time I tried to find a "short cut," I'd move myself backwards - and I'd have to experience the pain AGAIN.

I'd rather experience the entire horrible, painful thing ONE time, than keep experiencing it over and over again.

turtle

[GreenMango]

No short cuts worked here either.  Any shortcuts I tried seemed to lead back to the same place.  There were no easy fixes.

Only the long the road home seemed to work though... .  Back to myself.

Detaching meant taking a fine tooth comb to my life and just telling myself repeatedly this is going to suck for awhile but not forever. I looked at my decisions, my own goals, values, etc.  And sitting in my crap for awhile because quite frankly I could crawl out of it but without cleaning it up first I was just tracking it everywhere around my proverbial house.  It was a good lesson for me that not everything feels good, sometimes doing the right/healthy thing hurts, patience and acceptance which has really helped in other parts of life since.

I literally questioned myself on everything from friends, to goals, to family.  It was scary at first but it got easier with time.  With that came some peace and a little more surefooted-ness, and less crap ironically.

[Jay08]

Shortcuts i think depends on the personality of the individual, but for me there were a few things that helped

-Noticing she "downgraded" in a sense (sounds mean, im not bashing the guy but i must say i offered more)

Sort of made me laugh, like okay if thats what you want

-NC, NC, NC! Last relationship i was always checking up on her facebook. Didn't get over her until my last ex came into my life. Initiated NC the first time and i must say moving on process is going alot quicker.

-Gym. Get into the gym. Not only will you look better, which makes you feel better about yourself, but you get the endorphins running through your body which make you feel great. I suggest this to everyone.

-Do not let yourself be alone alot. When your alone you think about them. Only time i check this website is when im alone. I do believe there comes a point where even i must stop coming here, as it reminds me of the process, but for the overall part i love knowing im not alone in this, so if you are spending alone time and find yourself missing them, come post here instead

[Newton]

Fantastic post SB... .  

The pain from losing the rs with a pwBPD is like no other, it opens core wounds for us.  If we have found our way here to the bpdfamily.com family and have the good fortune to have access to a competent therapist then we have a real opportunity for personal growth and development in understanding ourselves... .  

For that reason alone I now perceive my encounters with pwBPD as a true gift... .  

The relationships shone a light on me... .  

Without these experiences I wouldn't have even read the word "codependent" ... .  let alone attributed it to myself... .  these awful experiences have enabled me to address issues with my FOO and allowed me to comprehend why I have actively participated in relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable... .  

I think am a better person as a result of  experiencing this pain... .  If anyone had suggested that when I first joined bpdfamily.com I would have dismissed it (or rather, ignored it)... .  I was in the maelstrom of emotions that are a natural consequence of  separating from a pwBPD.  I needed validation for my feelings... .  things were raw, and the posts I read in those early days carried me through the darkness... .  

bpdfamily.com was my lifeline... .  It was where I looked forward to going after I had been a zombie at work for 8 hours... .  

We have to get through the hard stuff... .  and acknowledge whilst we are doing that how cool it is that we are able to!... .  

Our ex's, for whatever reasons, don't often have that ability... .  denial is a powerful tool, they just can't or won't believe they are suffering from a severe mental illness... .  that is terribly sad, and true.  Acceptance of that fact is our path to freedom... .  

The positive in all of this misery and chaos is that we have the ability to step back, not just live in the moment of madness,  evaluate ourselves... .  work on our deficiencies... .  and move forward.

This will not happen in weeks, or months... .  it's a process and individuals will take as long as they need to take... .  I believe the wounds of a rs with a pwBPD will stay with us forever... .  

We get to decide if we turn those wounds into a positive for ourselves ... .  

[FindingMe2011]

Why is detaching from these relationships so hard?

- I thought I had left my past behind me

- I didnt really understand myself on so many levels, and couldnt see the need to

- I couldnt let go of my family dream

- I had a skewed vision of what Love was

- I had learned that taking care of myself, was selfish

- What i wanted wasnt important, or could wait

- When i did try, it scared the hell out of me

- I could make up a million reasons not to, and believe them

- FOG, fears, obligation, guilt

- remembering good times gave me hope

- on a subconscious level this was what I knew

- the belief she was coming back

- it was a loss and they are hard

- I could only see what i wanted to

Stopping the initial pain - how to do this?  You don't

You FEEL it.  Cry, hit pillows, run, write - whatever it takes until it works its way through you.  You will survive it.

Head on, for the first time in my life, and it showed me why I had never done this before.

Why does the pain hurt so much?

For me, it was a lifetime of pain, some remembered, some not. Only to rear its ugly head, in the disguise of this r/s. It was so intense, I spent the better part of a two week vacation curled up in bed, having convulsions. Im glad that breathing is done involuntary. Through having faith in words, from senior advisers,( and meds for a month or so,) the slow and methodical journey began. You can always tell who the ones are,that punch through the other side, its something you cant understand, until you go there. But you sense there is something different. Its called peace.

[nonhere]

SB's starting post really got me thinking about this... .  

The strange thing is that it's taken me 3 years; and I wish it had taken less long; and at the same time I don't regret what happened.  Can something that contradictory be true?  Or make sense?  Or be of any help to anyone on this board?  I don't know, but I hope so.

How could I have made it take less long?  Or stopped the pain?  Or found a "shortcut"?  I don't know.  I don't even think of it in those terms any more.  It simply happened that way, and there's a deep sense to it.  I suppose that's "easy" for me to say now (though I've paid for it all right).  Something that could agitate me, towards regret and anger, would be the idea that I somehow have a "right" to a good, satisfying 3 years of life 2009-2012, with wonderful, fulfilling relationships; and thus that I've somehow wasted my time, or been robbed of my due; or done it wrong.  (or I'm still doing it wrong).

I can't even think that way now if I try.  A quick fragment of conversation with someone a few months ago, a person who works with/for disabled people who are socially isolated: we agreed that asserting these people have a "right" to a good social life is utterly useless; the language of rights is beside the point in trying to understand what's going on in that situation, let alone trying to improve it.  It evaporates in the face of the difficulty.

What relevance does that have?  It's something to do with dignity and respect.  I think I had a faint, easily-extinguished knowledge all the way back there, over 3 years ago, that what was happening was something enormous, and difficult.  And everywhere around me I got invaded by images and assumptions that were not helping me.  About "bouncing back".  About "there's more fish in the sea".  About how, if I was "normal", I'd just take wing out of the window I escaped through from this r/s and alight on someone else to ease the pain.  About what I did do (which involved loneliness, isolation) making me somehow unhealthy, or weird, or outside the commonwealth of people.  (Because, as we all know, all normal people are constantly in one r/s or another).

Nope.  Trying to deal with this disorder, as a dignified, compassionate human being (which is what we're all trying to be), is such an enormous thing that all bets are off.  It can change your life.  It's best if you can get through it with the least amount of pain: but in the face of BPD, any amount of pain and upset is possible, and real, and human.  It really is that bad; and if you come through of it with less pain that that, then, good on you!

The big thing about these boards is respect.  There is an enormous respect paid here to the seriousness and enormous difficulty faced by people trying to deal with BPD in someone they love; and to the seriousness of the disorder, which is what draws us in so fatally to that person with BPD.  So that's one thing that helped: taking it seriously.  It's not me (or anyone else involved with a pwBPD) being wrong, or exaggerating things, or failing to "get over it".  This is serious ___.

The weird thing is that what got me through it is things about me that I now know can be extremely unhealthy, but don't need to be.  It was my same pigheaded determination to hang in there when more sensible people would give up, that kept me in the r/s so long - but that then kept me safe afterwards.  Kept my boundaries firm about seeing the ex.  Made me absolutely determined that I would never pursue her; that I'd been offended deeply and wouldn't give her an inch towards getting hold of me again (however much I did let her keep hold of me, secretly) without seeing real justice, real acknowledgment from her that she'd done wrong.  I would not give an inch on this point, and never will.  What happened to me is mine.  (Of course, this same determination kept me hanging on, hoping that she could do this, wishing that she'd do this so that I could forgive her: when in fact she couldn't).

And my ability to live isolated, lonely, without good relationships.  I don't have to do this.  I have, for long periods of my life.  But being able to do this - again, pigheadedly, at times out of a kind of steel anger towards her, that I would not give her the satisfaction of seeing me flit on lightheartedly, as if what had happened was as light and insignificant as she tried to portray it; or because I became determined to follow my own self, however much it hurt - being able to do this kept me safe from running into another r/s, and getting hurt again and even more confused.

I think anyone who's got involved with a pwBPD, I want to say: you can recover from it.  You already hold what you need to recover from it in you.  By even getting involved with such a person, and trying to deal with it, you've proved that.  Someone not capable of coming out the other side would not even dare to do what you've done so far.  What it takes to get through the pain and come out the other side is something you already own.  (It can just take ages to come into its own).  And all the advice, and acknowledgment, and respect, and suggestions, and conversations with therapists, that I've got from this board (or as a result of it), come down to that: what's wrong with you as a non-BPD dealing with a pwBPD, is also what's right with you.  It'll see you through, if you give it the tremendous respect it (as much as the pain of the pwBPD you know) deserves.

My favourite line of poetry I found the other week: from Hölderlin "Patmos": "Wo aber Gefahr ist, wächst das Rettende auch".  Where there is danger, the thing that saves you also grows.

[bpdspell]

Was there a short cut to surviving the pain for you?

Peace,

SB

There certainly were no shortcuts on my end. I wanted so bad for my ex to fix the hurt he caused but the realization that that day was never going to come and that it wasn't his responsibility for me to be happy and joyous caused a shift towards the light of truth.

Once I shifted my awareness towards healing I did the difficult work of looking in the mirror. It's was always to easy for me to see the flaws of others to deflect from my own shame but I never wanted to look in my own emotional mirror and own my stuff. I was too ashamed and I believed facing that pain would surely be an express ticket to death.

Anger, hurt and pain are justifiable when our ex's hurt us but the problem is when we allow that anger to finance a condominium in our hearts. We allow anger to move in and make monthly payment deposits to the dark side of our egos. Eventually this anger purchases your heart outright and takes up permanent residence turning into bitterness, resentment, rage and shame. At this stage in the anger game your heart is now the proud owner of a a vile and nasty victimization script.

The process of healing is ever-evolving and continuous. Some days are quiet, some days are filled with aha moments, and some days I have tremendous emotional growth spurts.

So what did I do? I cried, grieved my FOO, ran, went to church, removed myself from isolation, I cleaned up my apartment, I journaled, I entertained friends... .  I grew stronger... .  then I learned how to forgive myself, then I made a leap... .  I forgave everyone I've ever been mad at my entire life. I wrote letters. I expressed my hurt. I surrender to a power greater than me. I bought lots of new shoes. I cut my hair. I started caring about my appearance. In the process I learned that self care wasn't selfish. It's sustaining and respecting the gift that is your life. I kept living. I kept living. I kept loving. Even when I didn't feel loving.

I now love and respect myself now more than ever.

Spell

[myself]

No shortcuts. Patterns do not often quickly change. Grieving takes its own time, as does acceptance. We do our best to face ourselves. I look at it as these tears are running through the filter of who I am, washing away what is no longer needed/has been worked out, and cleansing the good stuff that remains, helping it grow into something better.

[FoolishOne]

BPDspell... .  I love your post (and the others by the senior members as well)... .  they read like a mantra to me... .  timing is awesome.  Thank you all.

[heartandwhole]

I agree with so many of the responses here.  It's a great thread, seeking balance.  I think one thing that has helped me enormously is understanding that  I wanted the "dream" to be true so desperately because I didn't want to grieve the very real losses that I experienced as a child.  I wanted to be saved from that pain, from those realizations.  I wanted to finally fix what wasn't working with the very best of me, the best of what I had to give.

It was an enormous effort and thank God it wasn't enough. It could have nearly destroyed me.  Instead, it threw me back toward myself, the only one who can repair the damage.  The pain of the r/s with pwBPD (and other relationships) was telling me loud and clear that something in me had to be understood and accepted.  I finally got the message, and I'm still here,  the feelings haven't killed me.  After all, we have already experienced the worst that could happen (back then - we often just don't remember it).  As an adult I've simply been trying to avoid feeling the same way that I did as a child.  Now, I'm learning how to give myself what I needed/what I need emotionally.  I'm learning to value myself like never before.  I feel compassion for myself, for pwBPD, for all of us.

Like SB said, we've got to feel it.  I don't think there are any shortcuts.  It's a difficult road, but full of discoveries and so fulfilling.  I am still in the process, but have had some wonderful shifts out of pain and into self-love and acceptance.  Being in a r/s with pwBPD itself requires a lot of strength and resilience, in my opinion.  We already have what it takes to do this healing work, that is for sure.  We will stumble and grieve and change, no way around it.  But I think it is a worthy effort, and what is the alternative?  A band-aid until the day comes when we can't postpone any longer?  Nope, it got ripped off and it stung like hell!   Thankfully, I scar well 

For all of you struggling right now, I want you to know that this is doable, it really is.  And the advice and information on this site is a gold mine of help.  Therapy, NC, and Face the Facts - my personal prescription for healthy detachment.   

Warm hugs and best wishes to all 

heartandwhole 

[happiness68]

Thanks for starting this thread and also to all of the mature members who've replied.  It's a shame there are no shortcuts  :'(

[Rose Tiger]

What was the biggest driver in finally detaching was my mother never did.  She stayed with an abusive spouse until her death.  She was so lonely.  She was so unhappy.  But she never worked up the courage to leave.  I wish she had, I wish she had gotten out and had lived the last part of her life enjoying herself.

Some people just can't make the break because it is so incredibly hard for a season.  That kept me attached for a long time, I knew it was going to be difficult.  Thinking about my mom at the end, sigh, don't want that for me and I don't want to model that for my daughters.  No short cuts and it hurts.  The peace is nice.  Walking into a calm house is nice after work.  Some parts really suck.  I know in time I won't be hurting so bad. 

[happiness68]

Rose Tiger - this really struck a chord with me.  I feel just like that.  I like the calmness, but hate the loneliness.

Walking into a calm house is nice after work.  Some parts really suck.  I know in time I won't be hurting so bad. 

[spaceace]

Detaching from this relationship was the biggest test in emotional maturity that one can imagine... .  there is no perfect way, but going through the entire process will rebuild you.

The emotional maturity is the part that really struck a chord with me. Because at the end of the day, that is what it is all about to me. Each time I engage with my pwBPD wife, I feel like I have gone down the emotional maturity ladder 10 rungs. And it always feels bad. I feel like a film of slime is on me and I cannot get it off. Regardless the reasons we have communicated. I still feel ill.

Last night, I was going back and forth with my wife texting, and then one of my texts hit her the wrong way I guess, and she fires back, tomorrow I will be filing a restraining order. I felt sick. I felt baited. I fell for it again, and I should know better.

Today, I send her a text asking her to please not file paperwork. I don't want to go to court. I will not contact you further. No response. So I sit an worry, is she actually going to file?

I don't believe so, she has to line up her own substitute in school to cover her, and then has to make arrangements for her kids. So, I don't think she did this since it was late at night and she probably didn't get someone to cover for her. But regardless, I should have stayed away, not engaged and I would feel a whole lot better today.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I've been detaching in a sense for almost a year now, but that has included months of LC and trying to maintain a 'friendship'.  This was not working for me, but it was necessary in order for me to see the illness continuing to be at play.  A big part of it for me is recognizing and reminding myself that much of what I wanted with her was a fantasy.  The reality is that the relationship started rupturing early on, and it only got worse.

I am by no means fully detached, but I am more accepting of the reality.  This acceptance has allowed to grieve.  I still tried to find hope amongst my grief, but I do not see hope now for a relationship with her.  I would not be happy, and I believe I would be selling myself short.  She is an amazing woman in many ways, but there is way too much dysfunction between us. 

I've had my part to play, too.  That is where the hard work comes in for me... looking at my part... .  grieving the wounds from my childhood.  This is a process, and it is not easy.  I might feel hope for us if she would agree to work on her issues, but she is dead set on doing it her way. 

I suppose to really detach is to heal ourselves.  As long as I continue to blame and harbor resentment, I am not detaching.  Detaching is also "to live and let live"... .  allowing others to be who they are and set their own paths.  Detaching is freeing myself from the bondage of self-centeredness, or demanding that I have things 'my way'.  I need all the help I can get.

[FoolishOne]

Phoenix, I see a lot of healthy words coming form you my friend.  Maintain, and you'll get to where you need to be... .  I would think NC may be best to expedite that healing and recovery process, don't you think?

F1

[Phoenix.Rising]

F1, Thank you, and yes, I don't plan to contact her anytime soon, if ever.  However, I'm taking it a day at a time.

[karhues]

What was the biggest driver in finally detaching was my mother never did.  She stayed with an abusive spouse until her death.  She was so lonely.  She was so unhappy.  But she never worked up the courage to leave.  I wish she had, I wish she had gotten out and had lived the last part of her life enjoying herself.

Some people just can't make the break because it is so incredibly hard for a season.  That kept me attached for a long time, I knew it was going to be difficult.  Thinking about my mom at the end, sigh, don't want that for me and I don't want to model that for my daughters.  No short cuts and it hurts.  The peace is nice.  Walking into a calm house is nice after work.  Some parts really suck.  I know in time I won't be hurting so bad. 

Wow how true - I really do enjoy my calm house but I also find it very lonely.  I know I had to stop the relationship with my ex - I too have children and did not want them to think that accepting the BPD behavior was acceptable.  My youngest (17) is very happy that her dad and her 19 year old sister are gone.  They caused a lot of drama and pain to the both of us.  I am however very sad for my 19 year old who is bipolar/BPD she is living with her dad and his new hook and milking it for all its worth.  He is not capable of having  a long term relationship.  My daughter attaches herself each and every time to his newest gf and before you know it it's over.  The sad thing is he is modeling a very sick example of what a relationship is - however, he never is without someone and she thinks he's amazing.  I pray my daughter will seek the help she needs and grow into a wise adult however I am very scared she will not. 

I am having a very hard time detaching,  I was married for 20 years I divorced him 5 years ago and was recycled 3 years ago - I thought that my prayers were answered.  How I missed my family unit - oh so bad.  When he came back I was very resistant - it took 2 years of therapy not to cry everyday.  However, the wall came down and we were a family again - just for awhile - 2 years later (this past Dec) the cycle again completed itself - the cheating, the lying, the lack of support with our eldest child - it was like reliving the hell from 5 years ago.  I prayed for the relationship to end and end it did.  I am broken and back in therapy.  I know it is for the best but it breaks my heart because again he is gone and so is my 19 year old (as I posted in the previous paragraph).  I know from my prior pain that this will too will heal - it will take time - that I know.  However like I said my youngest is thriving and is healthy and that brings me joy.  I work out regularly, as well as hike with my dog.  The thing I miss is companionship - I keep reaching out to friends but everyone is so busy with their families - today's society is so isolating.  I continue to thank god for my blessings and look forward to the process of healing.  I am also very thankful for the website.  It helps knowing I'm not alone in this journey.

[karhues]

Spaceace,

Not contacting them is very difficult - I think about reaching out to my ex and daughter daily.  I have learned the hard way as have you that each and every time I end up taking 10 steps back.  I am lonely and miss them terribly but have to understand for my own well being that they are toxic and the stress is very bad for me.  I hope with time the void will lessen because this really sucks.  I do not enjoy feeling like this - for some reason I remember the good times more than the bad.  Every time I go to text or call them I force myself to remember the bad and step back and say how is this going to help me heal - its not.

[FoolishOne]

Good for you karhues... .  it is a daily struggle for most of us... .  we tend to forget the screaming matches, the crazed look, the threats... .  Instead, we settle in on the good times... .  the great times that rocked our world.  It is the cruelest of mental illnesses and seems like the most damaging to the family unit.

The only recourse for us now is to survive and become stronger every day... .  

F1

[happiness68]

I agree with karhues.  Me too, I think about contacting my exbfBPD every day.  I remember the good stuff, but amazingly am also able to remember something bad to go along with it. 

FoolishOne - I know it's not funny but I had to smile to myself where you describe how you forget "the screaming matches, the crazed look, the threats" - the crazed look, I hadn't thought about it before, but yes, it's there.  I can remember it at this very moment.  The screaming matches well, they're something I choose to try to forget, but they're in the back of my mind too.  The threats - yes, mine was mostly empty threats.  Yes, we need to learn to survive and become stronger.  I'm with you there.

[Validation78]

Hey All!

This is my first time posting on leaving, and I couldn't resist doing so because I read many things that compelled me to take a moment to say that at least one thing that every member said here, struck a cord in me, and will be the impetus for my ability to make today a good one.

I am 12 days into a separation from my BPDh. He moved all of his belongings out on Tuesday, and I have already started the divorce process. I have had validation from every corner of my world that this is necessary, and what is best. I know it, I accept it, I am staying focused, I am taking care of myself, and I feel terrible, even though I know this is what I have to do. After reading all that was said here, I know that I have to endure this pain and discomfort. I am making a conscious decision, here and now to embrace the pain. To wear it proudly as a reminder of my courage and strength. I know who I am. What I can offer. I know I have done everything possible to salvage a relationship that was doomed from the very start. I leave it with my head held high, with dignity and grace. I will continue to walk towards my freedom, and face the unknown with excitement of adventure, and I will quit telling myself that I ever had anything more with this man than a fantasy. It could never have been what we hoped it would be. End of story. Thank you all for giving me another ah ha moment on the journey of my healing!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[happiness68]

Val78 - Firstly, well done being so brave with your separation.  You sound very strong. I hope one day I feel just like you do.  Well done!  I had to tell you that you just gave me a moment of light at the end of the tunnel reading this quote you made here in your post - a fantasy!  I guess it was.  I believed he was something he wasn't.  I was in love with a man who didn't really exist.  He existed only in my mind.  I kind of created him.   

I will continue to walk towards my freedom, and face the unknown with excitement of adventure, and I will quit telling myself that I ever had anything more with this man than a fantasy. !

[Validation78]

Thank you happiness68! Self talk has gotten me through the rough times in the relationship, and will continue to be my salvation! I hope it can be yours too. I owe so much to the members here, who have kept me on track, and never let me forget, BPD is a mental illness that no amount of strength in us will overcome. Some of us will be able to manage well and live with it, some of us cannot. We must push on, face our truth, and know that Scarlet was right, "tomorrow is another day"

My calendar today reads:

Happiness is the state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.

On the staying board, we talk a lot about values and boundaries. My values were always strong, my boundaries were weak. Now that I am moving forward, I am anxious to live my values and be happy again. It's all our own choice!

Hang in there, as we all must!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[happiness68]

Val78 - I had to laugh about Scarlet    It's very true.

Funny you say about your values always being strong, but your boundaries weak - mine too.  You will re-live your values.  You sound like you're ready.  I haven't lost my values somehow amongst the madness of it all, but I have lost some of my sparkle I suppose we could call it.  We'll beat it - all of us - we have to ;-)

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Val78,

Welcome to the Leaving Board!  Although it may not feel very welcoming, the members of this board have provided me with a tremendous amount of support and insight into BPD.  I am very sorry that your relationship is ending, but I am also happy for you in hopes that more peace and better days lie ahead.

You had a strong voice on the Staying Board, and your remarks helped me on many occasions.  Thank you for your voice.  I feel that I gave about all I could to the relationship with my ex, and continuing to try and do so (even as a friendship) seems futile at this point.  She has no desire to change, and my desire to remain in a situation that was literally taking the life out of me is practically nil.  I support you and respect your courage.

[Validation78]

Hi Again Phoenix!

Thanks for your kind words. I do remember you on staying and am glad that I could ever have offered any advice that you found to be helpful!

I too support your courage in the face of BPD whether staying or leaving/detaching. We need the support of each others experiences and wisdom. I hope at some point to regain my voice and take part more here and also on staying and undecided again. I need time to find my way back to my normal, and to process all that I have been through. bpdfamily.com is an invaluable resource, and I owe many members here much thanks for keeping me strong when all I want to do is collapse! We can do this together!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[pjl]

thank you all for posting this. i needed to read it today especially. This must be one of my BAD days. full of 'what if's"... anger ,rage, empathy, sorrow, fear... you name it. And I know I wil make it thru to the other side... I just wish it didn't hurt so much

[seeking balance]

thank you all for posting this. i needed to read it today especially. This must be one of my BAD days. full of 'what if's"... anger ,rage, empathy, sorrow, fear... you name it. And I know I wil make it thru to the other side... I just wish it didn't hurt so much

It is very hard in the beginning, but it will get easier... .  

[Seb]

thank you all for posting this. i needed to read it today especially. This must be one of my BAD days. full of 'what if's"... anger ,rage, empathy, sorrow, fear... you name it. And I know I wil make it thru to the other side... I just wish it didn't hurt so much

It's hard, I know. There were times when I never thought I'd recover, it just hurt so much.

But... .  the good news is, it does get better. Hang in there. I promise in the not too distant future you will get over this and you will be ok again. You wont have the awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you'll be able to think of your ex without feeling everything you're feeling now. Give it time and be kind to yourself... .  if I can get through this then anyone can.  

[Suzn]

Uh no, zero shortcuts. In my past I've run from the pain. I've actually moved around a lot to escape. Fight or flight? Flight, every time. I really had no idea I had never grieved some of my past. Finding these boards, working with my therapist, accepting my codependency, learning to face my fears, grieving my past and learning to stay with pain, all the way through to the other side. Whew! This was all new to me. It's been a long road but well worth the fight. This is definitely no overnight change. There were many times I thought I'm through with the learning only to have a new realization of another lesson being presented. I've found in every difficult situation there's a lesson. Now, most of the time, my first thought in one of those situations is "think, think, think, what's the lesson?" It always shows itself when I spend time to look for it.