What is the most heartless thing your ex-BPD did to you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I almost thought about breaking down and calling her tonight and then I remembered how selfish and heartless she was capable of being... .

She did some cruel things, but there are two that stand out the most... .

1.  My dad passed away, I was a mess and instead of coming right over to console me, she was on the phone with some guy she called a "friend."  When I got upset over it she told me, and I quote, "Well, I had a bad day at work and needed to talk to someone."

2.  We went camping.  She got hammered.  It was getting dark.  I accidentally tripped and fell on my way back from the camp store. I looking for her phone that she thought she lost and I  fractured my shoulder.  I was in a lot of pain.  For some reason she thought  I slighted her dog earlier that day and ripped me off the air mattress in our tent and made me sleep on the cold hard floor with my broken arm.  That was not a fun night.  She blamed it on being blackout drunk.

To her being blackout drunk meant she shouldn't be held responsible for her actions.  I heard this numerous times.

Oh and BTW she didn't believe I actually hurt myself until the MRI came back and even then she still showed no compassion.  The urge to contact her has passed.

[lost_in_translation]

I almost thought about breaking down and calling her tonight and then I remembered how selfish and heartless she was capable of being... .

She did some cruel things, but there are two that stand out the most... .

1.  My dad passed away, I was a mess and instead of coming right over to console me, she was on the phone with some guy she called a "friend."  When I got upset over it she told me, and I quote, "Well, I had a bad day at work and needed to talk to someone."

2.  We went camping.  She got hammered.  It was getting dark.  I accidentally tripped and fell on my way back from the camp store. I looking for her phone that she thought she lost and I  fractured my shoulder.  I was in a lot of pain.  For some reason she thought  I slighted her dog earlier that day and ripped me off the air mattress in our tent and made me sleep on the cold hard floor with my broken arm.  That was not a fun night.  She blamed it on being blackout drunk.

To her being blackout drunk meant she shouldn't be held responsible for her actions.  I heard this numerous times.

Oh and BTW she didn't believe I actually hurt myself until the MRI came back and even then she still showed no compassion.  The urge to contact her has passed.

[hurting300]

I was on the floor almost crying in pain, I pulled an upper back muscle. Well she continued to eat dinner and never seemed to be moved by it. She rarely showed emotions.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Let's see, the first heartless thing was 4 years ago. My father died and two weeks later she's telling me her neighbor's husband has died and she's sent the lady a sympathy card. I let loose and told her I had yet to see one from her for my dad's death. We had been together 6 years at that point. Very out of character for her, it seemed to me. I was wrong, of course.

And in this year's birthday card, at 9.5 years together in a lesbian relationship, she types me a note and informs me she has been dating men this summer and that she and her kids were going down a different path. Heartless could be one word, cruel and gutless are the correct ones.

[emancipated]

Giving the dog we adopted.together away without. Giving. Me a chance to.come.get her... or.telling me I killed our kids... Miscarriages she in the end said was my fault it felt like I got punched in the face

[Trog]

Giving the dog we adopted.together away without. Giving. Me a chance to.come.get her... or.telling me I killed our kids... Miscarriages she in the end said was my fault it felt like I got punched in the face

Yes, so many they stopped carrying weight after a while. Same as you, miscarriages were my fault, that I deserved to be abused as a kid, that when I was mugged it happened so that I would better understand how she felt about something, the list is really endless, the way she behaves is closer to enemies than lovers.

One of the main reasons I left her is because I am looking at the future, and in know I will need the support of a wife when my parents die, I know she would gloat at my mothers deaths. Urgh. Not worth it. I'm off out, thinking of her is bringing up my lunch.

[Elpis]

My sister died a couple of years ago--I had to tell him to please hug me, and the fact that I took my supportive daughter with me to the funeral is still something he brings up to show how I've slighted him.

And a couple of times when he was in a rage he called me a name--my mother's name, knowing that she was the one person who had hurt me the worst. Well, until I figured out how badly he'd hurt me anyway.

Remembering these things does help us not make those mistakes of wishing for the past, don't they?

[Deeno02]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for. When she had her BS fibromyalgia stuff, I had to drop what I was doing and fawn over her.

Never hung much with her friends, I felt unacceptable and not worthy

I think the most hurtful was when we would have a little dispute and work it out, we would hang on the couch watch a movie or perhaps go out or something and at the end of the night, as I was ready to leave, I would go to kiss her goodnight and I would get the "mmm mmm, I have to like you again first" as she turned her cheek for me to kiss. I dont know why, but that hurt me badly, still does.

[going places]

1. Allowing me to believe that all of my efforts, compromises, all of my love was what he wanted.

2. Allowing the 'bibilical counselsor' to the the damage he did to me.

3. Allowing me to believe that he loved me, and wanted the same things; plans; goals.

4. Allowing me to believe he was a Follower and Believer; when he was just 'pretending'.

5. Take our daughter on a date with him and his mistress. (kids and I didn't know he was having an affair)

6. Bought me earrings (from his hoe) and gave them to me only so he could spend more time with his hoe.

7. Allowed me to believe that we were moving in a good direction when he texting his gf 1000 times in a 2 week time period.

8. Leaving me to wonder "what was real"... .which I have come to the conclusion; NOTHING was real.

9. Watching me sink into self destructive depression and doing noting about it, and actually making me believe it was my fault.

10. The most heartless thing? Looking at his daughters in 2011 and saying he would rather have sex with his gf than be a husband and father, and didn't have the whoo haas to drive to where his son was to tell him he had asked me for a divorce. Made me and the girls do it... .because he had to get a new phone so he could continue his sex-texts with his girl friend.

This forever is etched in the minds of the children.

Heartless? Yep. Soulless. Most definitely.

[milo1967]

1.  My dad passed away, I was a mess and instead of coming right over to console me, she was on the phone with some guy she called a "friend."

^^^^^

Wow, I'm sorry to say, "Me too":  a few days after my beloved mother died, I was in the throes of grief, literally sitting on the floor crying. I called XW at work and told her to come home, that I needed her to comfort me. She said she'd be right home--and instead went to have sex with the man with whom she was having an affair. She came home hours later. That was the second time I told her I wanted a divorce. Unfortunately I believed her begging and pleading and apologies and it took a few more horrible actions on her part for me to finally carry through and divorce her.

But that was the worst.

Strength to all of us.

[Popcorn71]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

[downwhim]

Watching me fall apart at the end of the relationship and him sitting there with his arms crossed - silent treatment.

Telling me to kiss him on the cheek. No more lips (doesn't like lip gloss- yep, cheating)

Saying, I no longer want to sleep at your house - if you want me you can come to mine. Then saying is shoulder hurt and hugging the edge of the bed - cheating.

Telling me that I cannot move to Arizona because he is and that is his plan in two years. (it was our plan and we were looking at houses).

Saying, I never wanted to marry you, it was what you wanted - cheating at the time

"Give me my ring back!" 11 emails sent in a row demanding the ring

"I would rather be alone than with you right now." bull, cheating

He would not show up for weddings we were to go to, friends for dinner, just abandoned me and would not pick up his phone. It was devastating. I would reach him finally and say can we talk and he would say "NO!" Here we were engaged and I constantly had to make excuses why he wasn't there. Humiliating and embarrassing.

When my mom died we were broken up. Then of course got back together. To this day he has never said one word about it. No card, no I am so sorry NOTHING.

Thanks for this post. I needed to be reminded why he is not good for me.

[Deeno02]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

Beats me. First 6-7 months were cool for the most part, then the devaluation began. Cant get a handle on why Im so affected still by it.

[workinprogress]

The heartless things she did?

When my grandma died and I expressed regret over not seeing her more my wife yelled at me.

She never tells me that she loves me, and I have brought this up to her many times.  Yet, she can tell whoever her new "best friend" is that she loves them.  Usually when she tells whoever it is that she loves them they just look at her like she's crazy.

Never sharing a bed with me on vacation. 

Never letting me touch her.

Complaining that I don't make enough money when she refused to move so I could take a job with unlimited financial potential because she didn't want to leave her "friends."

[Blimblam]

It's so incredibly sadistic I can't even post it.

[workinprogress]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

Beats me. First 6-7 months were cool for the most part, then the devaluation began. Cant get a handle on why Im so affected still by it.

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's been two decades for me and I can't quite figure out why I'm still attached.  I think they present a picture of the future to us.  They disarm us and make us think that they are devoted and loyal.  In fact, my wife kept expressing doubts in me which made me want to prove myself to her.  I'm wondering if it was just some kind of trap. 

[Deeno02]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

Beats me. First 6-7 months were cool for the most part, then the devaluation began. Cant get a handle on why Im so affected still by it.

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's been two decades for me and I can't quite figure out why I'm still attached.  I think they present a picture of the future to us.  They disarm us and make us think that they are devoted and loyal.  In fact, my wife kept expressing doubts in me which made me want to prove myself to her.  I'm wondering if it was just some kind of trap. 

Sure it is. They set you on such a high pedestal your going to fail, no matter what. However long it takes, you will fail. Trap sprung.

[Spartacus]

It is helpful to be reminded of a few heartless acts my uBPDw did, particularly if I ever start wondering if it was me causing the chaos.

- Telling me that, as honesty was the foundation for a good, sustainable relationship, it was important for her to let me know how disappointed she was with my proposal of marriage to her. It was not enough of a surprise. I would need to fix this and make it up to her.

- Telling me that I should have known how stressed she was (home, work, family, dress, life) and that I should have cancelled the wedding knowing that she was not in a fit state to do so herself.

- Demanding that I give her a dramatic bowing/dip kiss like in the movies at the train station and when this did not live up to her expectations repeatedly shouting "Is that the best you can do!"

- Snarling at me that she wanted an annulment after I was a couple of minutes late for collecting her from the station.

- Texting me that she was looking on line at single parent forums a week after telling me she was pregnant.

- After a very happy night out, shouting at me that I was losing her and who are you? repeatedly.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Thinking and believing that my exBPDgf cared about me.

She always made sure to tell me.

Her actions, however, proved otherwise over time.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Not the most evil but the most funniest evil thing she said was that I was evil like the Joker in Batman. Classic projection. 

[WhyMe?]

Certainly not the first or only one... .But one of my cats (who he supposedly loved) got sick and I had to put him down unexpectedly. When I told him, he remembered his childhood cat who had died 20 years prior (I never even knew he'd had a cat till that day). He started crying and told me I was being selfish when I mentioned my cat that I had put down that very day

[RisingSun]

My xw and I bought land in the mountains. I helped build a cabin during my free time on the weekends. It took two years of continuos work to get things in order.

We had just finished with the bulk of the work (cabin, huge organic garden, landscaping, all finished) and were at a point where we could enjoy the retreat we had created.

Soon after all was finished, I found out about her affair. And to make a long story short, on my last visit to our cabin, the grass had been mowed, weed-eating done, place looked great.

Come to find out, my replacement was already moving in on my turf and taking care of the place. This is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

I busted my ass to create a place my xw and I could go to escape the city. It was our life long dream. I put so much love and hard work into that land and cabin.

And in the end, she tossed me out, took the land and cabin and moved the replacement in. In pains me greatly to think about it. I lose a lot of sleep over this.   

[Indyan]

The most horrible things he's done to me:

- telling me half way into the pregnancy that "we were just friends, that I deserved to be alone, that he would leave me in my sht and contact me again when baby would be born to arrange shared custody"

(he came back one week later as if nothing had happened, I was in such shock, that's when I searched the internet and found out about BPD).

- going totally depressed last July after I found out that he'd seen a lawyer behind my back, sheltering at his parents and turning all his family against me by telling them God knows what.

- a couple of months later, doing everything he could to put me and the kids in the sht financially and emotionally: writing to the benefits, sending the notice to the landlord, writing horrible threatening mails to me constantly, all the while playing the victim to his horrible family

- finally: destroying the beautiful memories I had by telling I had forced him in everything, from going for a walk as friends to having a baby, saying our r/s was a mistake and making his parents and sisters read ALL OUR MAILS since April (I think they helped him sort out his messages to file a complaint for "moral abuse" from me !)

[clydegriffith]

It's a toss up between having me falsely arrested on DV allegations 4 times and cheating on me with about a dozen people, including some of my friends, the last instance of which i had the pleasure of walking in on. Oh and don't forget trapping me with a child and forcing fatherhood on me after knowing each other for about a month. There's much much more but that's about the worst of it.

[cehlers55]

Mostly the things my wife did were to isolate me from my family and some friends. She always said how my folks and my siblings hated her. She never let up. I started believing the awful things she said about my folks/family were true.

I had to constantly make excuses why she wasn't attending family functions. Telling friends why she wasn't there. That was horrible.

I was close to the end. And then my sister and her husbands baby was getting baptized. And she refused to go to it. I was devastated. A childs baptism. And she doesn't go. I begged her. Pleaded. I even told her how my parents got a cake for us afterward to celebrate our anniversary which was the next day. I considered not going myself (manipulation). But I did go. All the while she is insisting on how much everyone hated her.

Then she tells me she's meeting with a doctor to have some of her eggs removed and frozen. She says she's doing this because the relationship problems caused by my family are such that we cannot have children now but maybe some time in the future.

I was shocked. Surgically removed and frozen eggs? Now i really know you're psychotic. And thanks for telling me. Because now i have the clarity to know that i have to leave you.

Then she told me that if we ever did have a child she would never be comfortable with the child being alone with anyone in my family... .Strike 3.

[Indyan]

Then she told me that if we ever did have a child she would never be comfortable with the child being alone with anyone in my family... .Strike 3.

Projection.

Mine went crazy over "when you decide I'm worthless, you'll run away with baby", when in fact that's EXACTLY what he'd have done, had he been given the opportunity.

Instead he's taken a new appartment and takes baby at week-ends and I'm not even allowed to see where it is.

Or he demanded that I tell him about my every move but never tells where he goes or does with baby (I don't ask).

[milo1967]

Awful thing XBPD did/said runner-up:

She became pregnant. We agonized over whether to bring it to term. (We already had two kids and the stress was overwhelming.) finally we came to the decision to terminate. I took her to the clinic, held her hand, cried with her and nursed her in the aftermath.

Some months later she matter-of-factly told me the baby was her affair person's, not mine. And she expressed guilt--not for her cruel deception of me--but over the fact that HE was "very angry" she aborted.

The final bizarre, heartless, clueless disordered denouement:

":)o you see what a sacrifice I made for you? See how much I love you?" And carried on with her affair.

I stared, aghast.

A few moths later I filed for divorce.

I shudder thinking about it and am still filled with disgust at myself for staying with her as long as I did.

[.cup.car]

Claim I was stalking her and making up stories about us to "feel better" about being "rejected".

I'm not sure what's more frightening.

The fact that they throw around major accusations at the drop of a hat, OR continue to run with these accusations and get other people to vouch for their ficticious stories.

And I mean, I've had gf's in the past where things didnt work out, but i never outright denied the relationship.

[going places]

My xw and I bought land in the mountains. I helped build a cabin during my free time on the weekends. It took two years of continuos work to get things in order.

We had just finished with the bulk of the work (cabin, huge organic garden, landscaping, all finished) and were at a point where we could enjoy the retreat we had created.

Bought a home w 5 acres; talked about cows, chickens, homesteading.

Planted an orchard, vines, 15 raised beds

Canned, had rain barrels, etc... .

The "dream" was to sell this place when the kids grew up and find a spot in TN and pay cash for it and live simple self sufficent lives!

RED FLAG ONE

I was doing all the work... .no, ALL the work.

Soon after all was finished, I found out about her affair. And to make a long story short, on my last visit to our cabin, the grass had been mowed, weed-eating done, place looked great.

Come to find out, my replacement was already moving in on my turf and taking care of the place. This is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

Found out about the affair (that had been going on for 8 months) 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary (been together 22 years).

I had NO idea.

Totally Totally blind sided me.

HE told the kids (then 17 and 21 both girls) he would rather have sex with his hoe than be a father and husband.

To their face.

With no expression.

RED FLAG 2

His mask fell off and the REAL 'him' now was visible, and I tried to make it work for 2.5 more years.

I busted my ass to create a place my xw and I could go to escape the city. It was our life long dream. I put so much love and hard work into that land and cabin.

And in the end, she tossed me out, took the land and cabin and moved the replacement in. In pains me greatly to think about it. I lose a lot of sleep over this.  

I just sold our house.

At almost 50, I will be starting from scratch.

And you know what? That's ok

It's better than the lies and abuse.

[RisingSun]

My xw and I bought land in the mountains. I helped build a cabin during my free time on the weekends. It took two years of continuos work to get things in order.

We had just finished with the bulk of the work (cabin, huge organic garden, landscaping, all finished) and were at a point where we could enjoy the retreat we had created.

Bought a home w 5 acres; talked about cows, chickens, homesteading.

Planted an orchard, vines, 15 raised beds

Canned, had rain barrels, etc... .

The "dream" was to sell this place when the kids grew up and find a spot in TN and pay cash for it and live simple self sufficent lives!

RED FLAG ONE

I was doing all the work... .no, ALL the work.

Soon after all was finished, I found out about her affair. And to make a long story short, on my last visit to our cabin, the grass had been mowed, weed-eating done, place looked great.

Come to find out, my replacement was already moving in on my turf and taking care of the place. This is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

Found out about the affair (that had been going on for 8 months) 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary (been together 22 years).

I had NO idea.

Totally Totally blind sided me.

HE told the kids (then 17 and 21 both girls) he would rather have sex with his hoe than be a father and husband.

To their face.

With no expression.

RED FLAG 2

His mask fell off and the REAL 'him' now was visible, and I tried to make it work for 2.5 more years.

I busted my ass to create a place my xw and I could go to escape the city. It was our life long dream. I put so much love and hard work into that land and cabin.

And in the end, she tossed me out, took the land and cabin and moved the replacement in. In pains me greatly to think about it. I lose a lot of sleep over this.  

I just sold our house.

At almost 50, I will be starting from scratch.

And you know what? That's ok

It's better than the lies and abuse.

Yes, life without abuse and lies is always going to be a better life, regardless of what we lost.

So sorry your deadbeat husband did this to you. There's no accuse for this kind of behavior.

We have similar stories. My xw and I were planning on retiring in the mountains as well. We were setting things up where we could homestead and live a simple life.

Looking back now, I understand why my she was in such a hurry to have me finish certain things around the land. She wanted to make sure everything was

in order before she replaced me. Who does sh!t like this and can still live with themselves?

[peiper]

Well the biggest was finding out she'd been cheating a month if not earlier after we were married. The constant blame in such a gaslighting way that had me in deep depression. Her devaluing hurtful comments. I needed to read this thread, it came at just the right time.

[billypilgrim]

It's taken me a while to realize this as I never really kept score.  Probably a defense mechanism so that I could keep myself in the relationship.

But here are the ones that really stick out:

1.) My dog of 16 years passed away a few years ago.  It was probably the first time she saw me cry and she just seemed annoyed.  I remember feeling embarrassed for letting my emotions get to me.  I remember being in the car and she very unsympathetically said, "Ugh, do you want me to drive?"  I pulled it together and never brought it up again.  

2.)  I was really sick 4 years ago, way more than just a typical cold or strep.  We were living together and I didn't go to school (was in grad school at the time) and couldn't really do much.  She basically left me alone in the spare room.  :)idn't really care for me, didn't offer me food or medicine.  I just remember feeling like I had to take care of myself because no one else would.  She just sort of ignored me until I was better.  

3.)  My grandfather recently had open heart surgery.  She was out of town and had planned to be long before this surgery was planned.  This was roughly a month or so before she left.  She didn't call to check in to see how he was doing.  :)idn't ask when she got back.  She just said a few days later that she was bummed she couldn't be there.  It didn't really seem like a genuine comment.  That was probably the first time I truly felt and realized that I was going it alone in the r/s.  

4.) This last one I didn't find out about until after she left.  About 2 weeks after she left, my mom told me that during the lead up to our wedding, she had asked my ex if she could ask the officiant to include a brief statement honoring the grandparents who were unable to attend.  My grandmother was losing her battle against Alzheimer's and was no longer going to be able to attend.  My ex told my mother via e-mail that "Things were already really too full.  Sorry."  After all, it was her day.  Her wedding.  Blah blah blah  

My grandmother did not come to the wedding, no announcement was made, and my grandmother passed some 3 months after the wedding.


There are probably more.   And I'm guessing she probably cheated on me judging by her actions now and her actions before me.  No reason to think otherwise.  

 

[WhyMe?]

Here's another (and it should've been a red flag as well, but boy was I stupid).

One night, after my divorce, I was over his place. He'd manipulate me to go over there (for the good of our relationship - WHILE he was cheating on me) and then barely talk to me. If I tried to leave, he'd block the door so I couldn't.

This night I was stretched so thin that I snapped and screamed at him when I realized it was going to be another night with Mr. Moody. I threw my car keys on the ground (and then had to explain to my exh why my remote was shattered - I didn't realize it had happened but as soon as he noticed it I knew when I had done it). I really really screamed. I didn't even know I could scream like that. All I wanted to do was go home and stare at a wall and sleep.

He looked at me with a horrible look on his face, and told me I needed psychiatric help and he was going to get it for me. Then he picked up his phone and made a call.

The worst thing was I was actually glad. There was a picture in my head of movies and tv shows where someone is committed who shouldn't be then drugged to be submissive because they kept trying to say they didn't belong there, but all I could think of was "thank god, I can get out of here and get some REST. hopefully my family can spring me loose".

This was a few months before I learned of BPD and gas lighting. I was already starting to suspect that many of the "calls" he made were fake and was keeping track of them. This one, he never made. But it served his end purpose as I stayed for the night.

Ironically, less than 18 months later, he transported his sister 5000 miles against her will and the family entered her into rehab for drug abuse.

[vortex of confusion]

Wow, there are so many little bitty things that have hurt me to my core.

A year or two ago, I had enough of the bending and twisting and I gave in to temptation and talked to a guy online for two days. I was so overcome with guilt that I told my husband. His response was, "Maybe we should see other people and I think I am bisexual." Keep in mind that we had been married for 16 years and have 4 kids together. Instead of making any effort to improve things between us, he used it as an excuse for both of us to fool around on the side. That was a disaster.

The week of our 15th wedding anniversary, he asked me not to talk to any of my male friends. I said, "Okay, sure." I told my friends that I would be out of pocket for a while. Anyway, for our 15th anniversary, I asked my husband to set up the VCR so we could watch our wedding tape with the kids. He didn't but he wanted to look through my emails. Long story short, the day after our anniversary he told me to go f**k (and yes, he used that word) this German guy. He said I would probably like having that and he couldn't wait to hear about it. I didn't do anything with that guy but it hurt me to the core. It was so unbelievably cruel to ask me to not talk to anybody one day and then encourage me to go get physical with somebody the next.

[hergestridge]

I don't think it was the worst thing, but the most heartless thing was propably my 40th birthday in its entirety. We were on our own, because our three year old daughter had just had the flu, so noone wanted to come and visit us for that reason.

We got up in the morning and my wife asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted the whole family to go out in the woods. It was mid-winter and there was lots of snow. We found a good location and we all had a good time. My daughter had so much fun, riding her sledge in the snow. Then something started to go wrong. My wife got annoyed about the way our daughter placed herself in the sledge so she kept falling off. I didn't think much off it. Suddenly I realized my wife was heading for the car quickly without saying a word why. Me and my daughter was not done playing. I tried talking to her, but she just walked away and did not respond.

Our daughter sensed that something was wrong so funtime was over, she got anxious and cried. I had to carry her to the car and comfort her. Not a word from my wife as we headed home in the car. She told me to go a supermarket. We went there, she went inside and bought something.

When we came home she had bought me a small cupcake and gave me a birthday card. It was a vintage erotic card (twenties?) on which she had written something about "... .you'll have your gift later". She just handed it over and didn't look at me.

After dinner she hurried off the bed and I spent the night alone in front of the TV.

It seems that she initially didn't plan on celebrating my birthday at all, then changed her mind and opted for a sexual favour. Then she decided she hated me so much she gave me a cupcake and a broken promise.

Her infidelity and her threats were worse in a way, but that day was kind of... .brutal.

[going places]

Yes, life without abuse and lies is always going to be a better life, regardless of what we lost.

So sorry your deadbeat husband did this to you. There's no accuse for this kind of behavior.

We have similar stories. My xw and I were planning on retiring in the mountains as well. We were setting things up where we could homestead and live a simple life.

I still want to live a self-sufficient lifestyle... .and maybe someday I might meet someone like minded and it will be amazing.

Until then?

I'm heading for the Gulf Coast.

Get to S. Florida, save a few pennies, maybe open a bar & grill of my own.

I can still be self sufficient on an acre!

I will miss planting 125+ tomato plants, canning, jamming, etc... .but I am ready for something new, fresh, different (Gulf Coast!)

Looking back now, I understand why my she was in such a hurry to have me finish certain things around the land. She wanted to make sure everything was

in order before she replaced me. Who does sh!t like this and can still live with themselves?

Yeah... .crappy.

He waited until all 3 kids were 17 or older so he didn't have to pay support. Classy dude.

The hardest part to get over was the fact that he lied, and lied, and lied and was having an affair... .and had me believing everything was ok... .

Who does crap like this?

Crappy people.

[Indyan]

I still want to live a self-sufficient lifestyle... .and maybe someday I might meet someone like minded and it will be amazing.

It was our dream too, although for different reasons. Me because I love nature and leading a green life is appealing. He, because society is doomed and sooner or later we'll end up with no electricity, no supermarkets and a civil war... .

Anyhow, we moved into the house I'm still in, only a year ago (he left last July... .). He was so happy with that house because, although in a small town, it has a very big garden at the back made to plant vegetables. We planted lots of things, especially him as he used to spend a huge amount of time gardening. I had bought him all sorts of tools, a greenhouse, gloves and boots... .all of which now lies in the shed and it breaks my heart to see them... .as if my bf was dead really.

I harvested all our vegeteables on my own, back from hols in September. It made me feel very sad indeed.

[nowwhatz]

This may not seem like much and I am sure others (if they knew) what I have gone through they would pick many other things that were worse.

The worst thing my exBPDgf did to me was play mind games with foriegn language in the worst way.   No expert on espanol here but 2 common ways to say I love you are Te amo (the real deal) an Te quiero (broader spectrum of "love" meanings... .can be the real deal... .can be I want you like I want to have sex with you... .and who knows what in between).

At a post-breakup discussion between recycles the exBPDgf said when she said I love you she meant the second one.    Forget the fact that she also said te amo many times!

Anyways for some reason I thought this was particularly cold-blooded and sucked the life out of my soul.

Ironically I turned the table on her yesterday after our lengthy discussion and told her not to worry and te quiero no te amo while saying goodbye.  Pissed her off I think.

[Trog]

The last contact I had with her she called me and the first thing she tells me is that she has a crush on someone. We hadn't spoken for some time so she just called me up specifically to tell me that! This isn't really hurtful, but it is pathetic and embarrassing. I can't fathom a person like this, I haven't told my friends or family about this incident as I'm just ashamed, her pathetic nature reflects really badly on me. This was my wife, what was I thinking marrying such a crazy, callous woman. It's a little bit funny if it were not tragic and cost me my house.

[Elpis]

  I think they present a picture of the future to us.  They disarm us and make us think that they are devoted and loyal.  In fact, my wife kept expressing doubts in me which made me want to prove myself to her. 

Whoa... .this was my long marriage... .in such simple terms. Many words expressing that picture of the future to us, but nothing to back it up. And even now my adult kids believe that when he tells them he still loves me that means I should just cave and return "home." Words are just... .WORDS sometimes.

[Elpis]

It also occurs to me that one of the most cruel things he's done to me is trying to turn our 4 adult children against me by making me the "bad guy" and he's done such a good job with the daughter and her husband who live out of the country that they will barely be decent to me. We had been really close for years, and now they've picked a side. Their bad.

It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

[Whitebread]

As I noted in another thread he was such a jerk in the ER he would not follow their request to stay in my treatment room so they had the state police come in.  He argued with them.  They tased him and carted him off... .i was suffering complications following colon cancer surgery and was left there alone.  He didn't understand why I was so upset.  No transportation issues though, i was readmitted for 2 weeks.


Due to the cancer surgery and 3 following surgeries I suffered some nerve damage (ahem) in some delicate areas.  Meaning I required a some effort to physically be ready for sex... this was not the case pre cancer.  Rather than understanding and using this situation as a way of deepening our bond and working together, he declared it was " too complicated" and never tried again.  Other forms of gratification weren't good enough, he wanted actual intercourse.

He continually humiliated me by saying that his sex life was over and it was all my fault. 

Sorry for the TMI but it really really broke my heart   :'(

Since he felt I was doing it on purpose, he retaliated by shutting down what little affection he ever showed me, even dramatically moving away if I happened to accidentally touch him while sleeping. 

Jeeze, I'm an idiot.

[Deeno02]

As I noted in another thread he was such a jerk in the ER he would not follow their request to stay in my treatment room so they had the state police come in.  He argued with them.  They tased him and carted him off... .i was suffering complications following colon cancer surgery and was left there alone.  He didn't understand why I was so upset.  No transportation issues though, i was readmitted for 2 weeks.


Due to the cancer surgery and 3 following surgeries I suffered some nerve damage (ahem) in some delicate areas.  Meaning I required a some effort to physically be ready for sex... this was not the case pre cancer.  Rather than understanding and using this situation as a way of deepening our bond and working together, he declared it was " too complicated" and never tried again.  Other forms of gratification weren't good enough, he wanted actual intercourse.

He continually humiliated me by saying that his sex life was over and it was all my fault. 

Sorry for the TMI but it really really broke my heart   :'(

Since he felt I was doing it on purpose, he retaliated by shutting down what little affection he ever showed me, even dramatically moving away if I happened to accidentally touch him while sleeping. 

Jeeze, I'm an idiot.

Yep. Me too. Even bigger cuz she's still renting space in my head. I'm doomed.

[Painterly2014]

Sitting in the same room with me after a nice dinner out and emailing his new affair partner to set up the next little get together.  I got the Ipad and read the nasty emails going back and forth.  Just a class act! 

Pretending to want to go to counseling and work on the marriage but in reality continuing to be on the internet on cheating web sites for hours daily and continuing to cheat every chance he got.

Just a lying ___ clown.

[Mutt]

Hi Painterly2014,

That's tough  

[lost_in_translation]

As I noted in another thread he was such a jerk in the ER he would not follow their request to stay in my treatment room so they had the state police come in.  He argued with them.  They tased him and carted him off... .i was suffering complications following colon cancer surgery and was left there alone.  He didn't understand why I was so upset.  No transportation issues though, i was readmitted for 2 weeks.


Due to the cancer surgery and 3 following surgeries I suffered some nerve damage (ahem) in some delicate areas.  Meaning I required a some effort to physically be ready for sex... this was not the case pre cancer.  Rather than understanding and using this situation as a way of deepening our bond and working together, he declared it was " too complicated" and never tried again.  Other forms of gratification weren't good enough, he wanted actual intercourse.

He continually humiliated me by saying that his sex life was over and it was all my fault. 

Sorry for the TMI but it really really broke my heart   :'(

Since he felt I was doing it on purpose, he retaliated by shutting down what little affection he ever showed me, even dramatically moving away if I happened to accidentally touch him while sleeping. 

Jeeze, I'm an idiot.

Whitebread, I'm sorry you didn't have the support you deserved during such a difficult time.  You are not an idiot.  I hope you can at least take some comfort in the thought of him being tasered.   

Be well! 

[Whitebread]

 >>

Whitebread, I'm sorry you didn't have the support you deserved during such a difficult time.  You are not an idiot.  I hope you can at least take some comfort in the thought of him being tasered.   << <<


I do. 

They zapped him twice.

Good times.

[downwhim]

Whitebread, He deserved to be tasered! Yep, all about him no matter what. So selfish and egotistical. From what I have read in your previous posts he is really full of himself!

[Indyan]

Whoa... .this was my long marriage... .in such simple terms. Many words expressing that picture of the future to us, but nothing to back it up. And even now my adult kids believe that when he tells them he still loves me that means I should just cave and return "home." Words are just... .WORDS sometimes.

Yes, that's why a few months ago I started telling him "actions speak louder than words" and that I will see what he was really worth in the months to come... .and I did, God knows I did  

[hergestridge]

I still want to live a self-sufficient lifestyle... .and maybe someday I might meet someone like minded and it will be amazing.

It was our dream too, although for different reasons. Me because I love nature and leading a green life is appealing. He, because society is doomed and sooner or later we'll end up with no electricity, no supermarkets and a civil war... .

Anyhow, we moved into the house I'm still in, only a year ago (he left last July... .). He was so happy with that house because, although in a small town, it has a very big garden at the back made to plant vegetables. We planted lots of things, especially him as he used to spend a huge amount of time gardening. I had bought him all sorts of tools, a greenhouse, gloves and boots... .all of which now lies in the shed and it breaks my heart to see them... .as if my bf was dead really.

I harvested all our vegeteables on my own, back from hols in September. It made me feel very sad indeed.

We moved out in the country a few years before we broke up, now I live out here alone. She was so enthusiastic about it about all the possibilities and it was our "dream home".

Then she grew tired of it, it became "my idea" that I had "insisted" on doing. Then she would get annoyed that I was too attached to the house and the rural lifestyle. Did I love it more than I loved her? The jealousy spanned beyond people, it got extended to objects. Or pets.

Years ago I remember her being upset about me being too attached to our two cats; "... .you only stay with me because we have the cats together!".

I have to remind myself over and over about how pwBPD work to understand what happened - they are strangers to happiness. They don't feel it.

[Indyan]

I have to remind myself over and over about how pwBPD work to understand what happened - they are strangers to happiness. They don't feel it.

We tried MC in October. He told the T and me that I had forced him to do EVERYTHING!

The fact that I was in a 10 yr r/s and had to leave my previous life (my D10's dad) to be with him really shows who went to get whom... .

I forced him to move in, to have a baby, and even to go for a motorbike ride when we were friends.

He hardly suggested anything, used to say "he adapted to opportunities", when in fact he's using this now to justify that none of what we had/did was his choice. What a coward.

[Splitblack4good]

Most heartless thing my ex done was fake having cancer ! Yes you read correct she lied to everyone to get attention witch I stupidly covered up for her to everyone she told when I found out the truth . I could not neleive she would go that low !

[clydegriffith]

Sitting in the same room with me after a nice dinner out and emailing his new affair partner to set up the next little get together.  I got the Ipad and read the nasty emails going back and forth.  Just a class act! 

Pretending to want to go to counseling and work on the marriage but in reality continuing to be on the internet on cheating web sites for hours daily and continuing to cheat every chance he got.

Just a lying ___ clown.

I've got you beat on that one. The BPDx and i were once at a backyard bbq with a bunch of people and she went inside and had sex with one of the guys there while i was sitting in the backyard.

One time she also intentionally tried to start a fight so that i would leave and she can bring someone over. I thought something was up so i turned around and went back home and there she was, in bed with another one of my friends. My then 1 year old daughter and her two other small children were in the next room. 

[Elpis]

CAN I PLEASE JUST HUG EVERYBODY?     

I'm so sorry for what we've all been through... .and I find myself a bit jealous that my uBPDh never got tazed... .ijust kidding Whitebread!)

The lengths people will go to in order to get their BPD motivated "needs" met is pretty incredible. And the sad part is that they don't even seem to recognize what they're doing isn't healthy! Or normal!

[Deeno02]

CAN I PLEASE JUST HUG EVERYBODY?     

I'm so sorry for what we've all been through... .and I find myself a bit jealous that my uBPDh never got tazed... .ijust kidding Whitebread!)

The lengths people will go to in order to get their BPD motivated "needs" met is pretty incredible. And the sad part is that they don't even seem to recognize what they're doing isn't healthy! Or normal!

Or how much they ripped your heart out

[TheDude]

What is the most heartless thing your ex-BPD did to you?

Get involved with me in the first place. 

[kerin]

Please bear in mind reading the first that he was 25 when we met.

I'm a fair bit older than him, and although there have been many hurtful things said throughout the relationship, the first really shocking thing he said to me was that I was "perverted" that I had "manipulated him (the innocent party) into having sex with such an old ugly woman" and to top it off that I was a "paedophile". He also posted very similar statements on a forum we were both members of and through which we had met. Many people there knew us in real life.

He raged in my face for days, after having kept me sleep deprived for months, that it was him or the dog. To my massive shame and regret I had my poor old dog put down humanely. He had health problems and brain damage, but even so. I still feel disgusted with myself for doing it, I will regret and feel huge guilt about that till the day I die.

After a day of physical abuse and screaming rages to make me buy him alcohol, I finally gave in and bought it because he grabbed my parrot from her cage and held her in a tight grip. He snarled into my face that he would crush her unless I bought the vodka he wanted. I believed him so he got the vodka, and I called the police the minute he left me alone. When the police asked what the cuts on his fingers were from he told them they were defensive wounds from the knife he said I had attacked him with. They were from my birds beak when she was biting him in terror.

There are many more things, but those three stand out in my mind.

[kerin]

Oh yes, I am in debt due to him frogmarching me to the cashpoint and forcing me to draw money out on credit cards for his drugs, and to this day still spends huge amounts of money on drugs. No help in paying any of it back, he doesn't give a hoot about it because it's my credit history that is damaged,

[rollercoaster24]

Hmmm there were so many lets see... .

Comparing me to his former flame from ten years prior, (the one who left him at the altar so to speak and he was still stalking on Facebook), telling me she had a better body, was blonde, taller, sexier, wilder in bed.

After which, he said that he didn't mean those things, he was only saying it to hurt me, because I had 'apparently' hurt him and deserved to hear this! (who does this?).

Letting our parrot die through heat exhaustion or otherwise, he knew it was suffering and it was hot, 41C, and he was laying under the Air Conditioner whilst we were all out. The bird was in a cage in my daughters room, with the window open and the fan on, and it had been rescued from the wild only a week before by another friend who couldn't keep it.

BP must have been snooping in my daughters room to know the bird was on the bottom of the cage and suffering, yet he simply closed the door and left the bird to die for several hours before I got home.

I came home from work later that evening to his rage about my daughter and her fiancé's selfishness and stupidity.

Guess who spent hours trying to rehydrate the bird? Yep, me. Guess who rang the Vets for advice? yep, me. Guess who buried the bird at 3am, (and I had to get up at 4am for work again) yep, me.

Then there were hundreds of Public Humiliations at my workplace, (luckily I didn't lose my job).

Sleep Deprivations that were constant several days per week, (whilst he never worked a day in 4 years).

Physical Abuse

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Sexual Abuse, (threats that he would find another woman that would love him when he wanted, because apparently I didn't enough). Reality? I probably wasn't interested a couple of times in 4 years and usually only after he had been verbally and physically abusing me for several hours first before expecting to magically make up.

Financial Abuse

Stalking

Harassment

Lying Cheating and Stealing and probably doing drugs in secret too, (at the end I found out by chance that he had been drinking in secret the whole time).

Yep, I must have been an idiot.

[ogopogodude]

the most heartless thing my ex-BPD did to me was this:

I lay in bed waiting for her to accompany me... .  I pretend that I am sleeping because I can tell that she is "on the verge of one of her moods:  I am positioned on my side and she climbs into bed and spoons me (typically the reverse happens, ... .the man spoons the woman, ... but anyways... )


I can smell her breath of alcohol.  She thinks that I am asleep, ... but I am not.  She repeatedly "mock spits" into the back of my head with little puffs of air. (My wife was never a "spitter" of saliva like some people are... .  She just didn't do that kind of thing).

Anyways,  it reminded me of a a bb gun or a .22 repeater.   

This little act of defiance, or mockery, or control, or whatever it is that one wants to call it, ... .occurs over and over again for about at least a 1/2 hour maybe more like an hour.  And she was  whispering things, sentences, words that I could not make out or make sense of (and she was not a whispering type of person either).

It doesn't sound like much of a heartless thing, ... but it really was.  She was belittling me over and over.  She only did this mock-spitting-into-the-back-of-my-head thing only once that I can vividly remember.  I guess it just wasn't violent or volatile enough for her to get any satisfaction out of... .

Raping me of my self-dignity is how I saw this act.  I would have rather experienced one of her high intensity temper rages.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think the whole hitting me while I was crying and shrieking like a banshee thing was the worst. Nevermind, it was when she let racoons into our house at night, until we got evicted and emotionally abused me to get her way with it until I shut down and became her zombie slave, devoid of hope.

[notdownyet]

This is a tricky question to answer, as like most people here, I've got so many to choose from.

(this isn't from an ex, but from my current wife)

Last Christmas, my wife was having an extreme episode, which appeared to have psychotic features mixed with mania.

At the time, she was blaming me for everything going wrong in her life, and had recently had an affair exposed.  In short, she was out of touch with reality, and was being unimaginably cruel and sadistic towards me.

During a heated argument, she told me that she wanted my parents do die, and then proceeded to ring them (both in their late 70's) on her mobile/cell phone, to tell them unpleasant things that I'd said about them (taken out of context), in the hope that it would induce a heart attack in one of them, as she phrased it.

As the phone was ringing, she waved the phone around in front of my face, taunting me and laughing at me.  

When my father answered I managed to get the phone off her, explaining that she was having an episode, and not to take her seriously.  I felt I had to be honest to some degree, in case it happened again.

[ogopogodude]

This is a tricky question to answer, as like most people here, I've got so many to choose from.

(this isn't from an ex, but from my current wife)

Last Christmas, my wife was having an extreme episode, which appeared to have psychotic features mixed with mania.

At the time, she was blaming me for everything going wrong in her life, and had recently had an affair exposed.  In short, she was out of touch with reality, and was being unimaginably cruel and sadistic towards me.

During a heated argument, she told me that she wanted my parents do die, and then proceeded to ring them (both in their late 70's) on her mobile/cell phone, to tell them unpleasant things that I'd said about them (taken out of context), in the hope that it would induce a heart attack in one of them, as she phrased it.

As the phone was ringing, she waved the phone around in front of my face, taunting me and laughing at me.  

When my father answered I managed to get the phone off her, explaining that she was having an episode, and not to take her seriously.  I felt I had to be honest to some degree, in case it happened again.

   My ex used to do that ALL the time, ... .that is, to go to the phone and start dialling someone, usually 911 and she would start to press the buttons and then throw the phone at me to catch it.  See soon realized that the police must come to the residence to investigate.  The next rage she would dial the nine, ... then the one, ... .then press the final # (one) without releasing it, ... then hanging up.  But the police would still come to the house to investigate.  Boy my ex spouse was just plain stupid.  Just  dumb.

   I realize now the whole point of her dialling 911 was to get attention and the sense of power. It was after two or three of these incidences that when I was at work, I made an appointment to go to the police station to discuss the "strange behaviour of my wife" and if there was anymore nutty incoming phone calls that it was my wife being an idiot.  I believe that they called her and told her that they would charge her with mischief if she abuses the 911 emergency line.  She didn't do this anymore after about four or five 911 calls, and I believe it was because of me meeting in person a higher up ranking police officer during a time of peace and calm. This sure helped for any future nuttiness as my wife was then "labelled" as a s____ disturber.

[Trog]

Wow, reading through these statements it's no wonder we are all so hurt, confused and seeking a relief from the mental anguish. There are many common themes here, carrying on an attack even when you are desperate and crying, isolating from family, hurting animals or children, these are all 100% unacceptable. Everyone of us deserves better than this. These people are just not worthy of the love and commitment we gave to them an it is sad that we gave it but now it's our work to overcome it and find peace, if not, they are still hurting us and I don't know about you guys, but I'm done and will be embracing life, friends and family in 2015 without my exBPDw, thank god for helping me escape her. Happy 2015 everyone.

[Painterly2014]

ClydeGriffith - That is horrible beyond belief.  I am so sorry 

Whitebread - My heart goes out to you .  When you needed him most he was being a jerk.  I have to say though that I would really enjoy seeing my BPDxh tased a few times  .  It would really make me feel better if I could do the tasing haha

[ADecadeLost]

To be honest, so much of it is a blur at this point that I'm not sure I could pick out a singular event.  A few of the other posters comments certainly ring true though.

Mostly the things my wife did were to isolate me from my family and some friends. She always said how my folks and my siblings hated her. She never let up. I started believing the awful things she said about my folks/family were true.

I had to constantly make excuses why she wasn't attending family functions. Telling friends why she wasn't there. That was horrible.

cehlers - You described the last decade of my life to a T.  It's sad that I was willing to let it happen the way it did, but I did.  Plenty of time to make it up to folks though, and I intend to (call it a New Years resolution).

[Indyan]

Wow, reading through these statements it's no wonder we are all so hurt, confused and seeking a relief from the mental anguish. There are many common themes here, carrying on an attack even when you are desperate and crying, isolating from family, hurting animals or children, these are all 100% unacceptable. Everyone of us deserves better than this. These people are just not worthy of the love and commitment we gave to them an it is sad that we gave it but now it's our work to overcome it and find peace, if not, they are still hurting us and I don't know about you guys, but I'm done and will be embracing life, friends and family in 2015 without my exBPDw, thank god for helping me escape her. Happy 2015 everyone.

Amen.

And happy 2015 to you too 

[hurting300]

My ex was only hateful to my mom once. No girlfriend will ever disrespect my mom. I told her I'd whip her ___ . That was childish and very stupid of me. I could have just said leave.