Ongoing conflict with others

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi there, I havent posted for so long. My daughter is undiagnosed but has shown all the signs of BPD for many years.  She works hard at her recovery from addiction and on her personal struggles.  However, no matter where the goes, or which job she starts... . she is an attractive, intelligent, ambitious girl, she always runs into conflict and people always end up treating her badly, according to her.  She doesnt keep friends and always reports being picked on, spoken down to and rejected.  She cannot exist socially it seems, Now she is working abroad in confined spaces and says her team is rejecting her and that she is really really struggling.  Every job, social setting or group she belongs to, she always elicists the same responses in others... . they reject her, they gang up on her, they dont want her there, they dont like her, ... . on and on.  This even happened in naranon.  The girls formed a click and wouldnt allow her in.  I am exhausted. She is 27. what aspect of the BPD is it that is triggered? is it her need for approval, her need to be the victim, is she too needy, is it her need for attention?... . she keeps attracting the bullies.  I am so tired of her. Its like she cant see her own worth and demands that others reflect it back to her... . when she doesnt have the approval of others she cant bear the discomfort. Is there a planet she can go and live on, where I can just visit from time to time?

[Peaceinthehome]

Hi there, I havent posted for so long. My daughter is undiagnosed but has shown all the signs of BPD for many years.  She works hard at her recovery from addiction and on her personal struggles.  However, no matter where the goes, or which job she starts... . she is an attractive, intelligent, ambitious girl, she always runs into conflict and people always end up treating her badly, according to her.  She doesnt keep friends and always reports being picked on, spoken down to and rejected.  She cannot exist socially it seems, Now she is working abroad in confined spaces and says her team is rejecting her and that she is really really struggling.  Every job, social setting or group she belongs to, she always elicists the same responses in others... . they reject her, they gang up on her, they dont want her there, they dont like her, ... . on and on.  This even happened in naranon.  The girls formed a click and wouldnt allow her in.  I am exhausted. She is 27. what aspect of the BPD is it that is triggered? is it her need for approval, her need to be the victim, is she too needy, is it her need for attention?... . she keeps attracting the bullies.  I am so tired of her. Its like she cant see her own worth and demands that others reflect it back to her... . when she doesnt have the approval of others she cant bear the discomfort. Is there a planet she can go and live on, where I can just visit from time to time?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Is there a planet she can go and live on, where I can just visit from time to time?

Ahhhhh, Peaceinthehome 

There's probably not one parent who posts on this Board who doesn't identify with that sentiment 

I can say that I know how you feel, and I commiserate with the frustration, confusion, sadness, and sometimes anger, that accompanies being the parent of a child with BPD. I'm very glad you have come back to this Board, and if you haven't noticed it yet, since the last time you were here things have probably changed quite a bit with how the Parenting Board is set up. If you check out the LINKS to the right-hand side of this page, you will find the TOOLS and THE LESSONS all set up in a handy dandy list that might help you understand your daughter better, and even give you an idea of how to communicate in a way that could make things better between you.

Is she now clean and sober for a good amount of time? Does she still go to Narcanon? Does she go to any Therapy at all? Outpatient for the drug addiction, Psychiatrist (or someone else) for her mental health issues? Does she have any idea that she has problems that need help, and a desire to get help? My own adult (37) son was diagnosed a year ago with BPD at an Intensive Dual Diagnosis Program (he was there for his Substance Addiction, Suicidal Ideations, Depression and other mental health issues).

After about 20 years of troubles and trauma in his life, once he found out the reasons for his problems (the BPD), he got the Therapies he needed and is now thriving and recovering. He's been clean and sober for more than 13 months, probably wouldn't even be diagnosed with BPD anymore since the only symptoms remaining are his Social Anxiety and need to have a better self-esteem, and is the happiest he's ever been. What I've found is that once a person with BPD can admit he/she has a problem and will accept the treatments/therapies for it, things can get better.

And for me? Reading every one of those links to the right-hand side of this page (especially Radical Acceptance for family members) helped me to understand my son's disorder better, and gave me the communication tools to help me stop pushing every one of his buttons. And in turn, once I learned how to deal with him in the proper way, he reacted better to me, enabling me to help him get the help he needed.

What are you doing to take care of you? Do you have a support system? Family? Friends? Someone who understands your situation and can give you insights or advice? Many of us here have attended (or are attending now) some sort of Therapy or Counseling, and have found it very helpful. Please tell us more of what is going on with you, Peaceinthehome, so we can help you better 

[qcarolr]

  I am exhausted. She is 27. what aspect of the BPD is it that is triggered? is it her need for approval, her need to be the victim, is she too needy, is it her need for attention?... . she keeps attracting the bullies.  I am so tired of her. Its like she cant see her own worth and demands that others reflect it back to her... . when she doesn't have the approval of others she cant bear the discomfort. Is there a planet she can go and live on, where I can just visit from time to time?

Geez - I have been seeking this planet lately too. My BPDDD is also 27, and cannot tolerate being alone. And yet gets overwhelmed and needs to find a quiet space too.

From what I have read about BPD there is a core issue of struggling to find a 'sense of self'. My DD tends to define herself by who she is with. She is very vulnerable to being taken advantage of being so dependent on others to define who she is. My DD also leans heavily on me especially when she is "in transition" between relationships. She struggles to be reflective about her part, esp. when she is using street drugs and not taking her anti-depressant meds. (they don't help the BPD, but can put her in a more stable state of mind more open to self-reflection).

Though she says "I don't have any problem with drugs, I can say no", she is so very very unstable when using whatever it is who she is with is using. She is clean for now in the legal system. And so much easier to talk with. And still very very needy of my validation that she is OK.

It is hard to be in a relationship with my DD often. And I have a mommy's love for her that will never fail -- even in those times when I have to practice the Radical Acceptance that Rapt Reader referred to and detach as a form of self-care. If I put that in perspective for others that are trying to be in a r/s with her, well I can understand why it does not last. In a non-family r/s it is easier to walk away.

What can I do to help my DD when she is struggling in her friendships? Be a good listener - brush up on taking care of myself... . Actually, work through the whole list of TOOLS at the right again. Sometimes all I need is to read the titles and stop to think -- Oh i know how to do that.

The other part is to remind myself that my DD is an adult, and she has to work through the ever-changing patterns in her adult relationships from within herself. She has to learn the tools for making this better for herself. Is your DD open to working with a therapist that might move her toward accepting her part in these r/s issues? Does she know/accept that BPD is part of her life? When she contacts you, is she asking for something specific or needing emotional support?

It takes a lot of my energy to maintain my r/s with my DD27. In all areas of my being - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. I rely on the supportive people I have in my day to day life, and finding ways to be good and kind in caring for myself. When I can do this, then I am better able to engage with my DD without losing myself along the way.

qcr

[Peaceinthehome]

  Guys thank you so much for the loving and understanding responses.  I will check out the tools and refresh myself.  I do have a few traits of my own like self pity and an apparent need to suffer which need a little tending.  Co-dependence is a killer 

[Peaceinthehome]

Forgot to say that my daughter cant access a therapist for the next five months, but I will definitely discuss BPD with her and the possibility of her working on some traits with a therapist. She has been on a few meds but none which agreed with her.  Its always a process to find the right meds and she runs out of patience. Hugs to all and thank you for this amazing website.

[MammaMia]

Peaceinthehome

Oh yes... . we all know EXACTLY what you are dealing with.  Some days it is very hard to listen to all the complaining and negativity.  It is like hearing a broken record over and over and over, and eventually, most of us will struggle to find a way to try to control our own reactions to the perceived rejection experienced by our BPD children. We have protected them from harm from infancy, and it is not easy to let go, but we must.  We have to remember our adult BPD children ARE adults. 

We can listen but we cannot "fix" what motivates pwBPD to act this way. Yes, they crave attention and desperately want to fit in... . but they want everything on their own terms.  When others do not measure up to their standards, they become "objects" worthy of nothing more than disgust and loathing.  PwBPD are extremely self-focused and inflexible.  It is their way or the highway... . and nothing is ever their fault. They really are perpetual victims of their own creation.

This is mental illness.  We have to accept it for what it is. But, we do not have to let it control our

lives.  For us as parents to become overly involved in the constant relationship drama our children create is unhealthy. We can make the choice now to use our powers of protection to safeguard our own wellbeing.

[Rapt Reader]

Forgot to say that my daughter cant access a therapist for the next five months, but I will definitely discuss BPD with her and the possibility of her working on some traits with a therapist. She has been on a few meds but none which agreed with her.  Its always a process to find the right meds and she runs out of patience. Hugs to all and thank you for this amazing website.

Hey, Peaceinthehouse 

Before you talk to her about BPD, I would like to suggest you check this link out:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Also, these links could be helpful to you with the Co-Dependence thing (and we all tend to have that to work on, as parents of children with BPD):

Are we co-dependent?

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

I'm very sorry that your daughter can't get into Therapy right away... . Maybe there will be a cancellation and she can get in sooner? Always the optimist, I am 

[js friend]

Hi peaceinthehome,

From my experience I dont think that we can completly believe what our dd's are telling us when it comes to these situations.There have been times when i have been ready to march up to dd's school to sort things out and then it turns out that dd has started all the drama, told me her version of events leaving out the things she has done to cause the situation in the first place, and she has wanted me to get involved when it had all got out of hand... . and this has happened many, many times in the past. Other times when she has fallen out with friends because of her moodiness, some drama she has created or has too much expectations of her "new friends". Even when she worked for a very short period of time we had the same drama... . they dont like her, or she doesnt fit in... . but it was actually dd that withdrew into herself... . and it has been the same everytime she has gone to college. The pattern is always the same. It all starts off promising and then falls apart within 6 weeks.

Now i dont get directly involved anymore. I will listen, even give advice if it is asked for, but iam careful not to get involved.

[qcarolr]

Seems like I read about a 6-8 week pattern of things going OK then falling apart. I have experienced this so often with my DD27. I really puzzles me. Has anyone else noticed this?

qcr

[MammaMia]

qcr

I agree with the cyclic nature of BPD.  My son does the same, altho his repeats seem to be around  every 3-4 weeks.

You are fortunate.

[ABelle]

All of this sounds so familiar.  I am still learning how to successfully communicate with my D16 w/ BPD, but I know that giving advice is out of the question.  It only triggers her to turn on me instead.  I try to just lend a sensitive ear for a short amount of time, and then change the subject.  My D also seems to be drawn to continue relationships that have deteriorated, and as many have suggested in the earlier posts, she often is the cause of the problems although she cannot see this as the case.  Peaceinthehome mentioned the broken record, and I conur - the negativity and complaining wears people down, and I am working with my therapist on ways I can stop and/or redirect when it is too much!  I sympathize with you all!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Peaceinthehome]

Thank you so much everyone.  What you are all saying is absolutely correct, balm for my agitation and also reminders of what I already know but seem to forget. I will definitely check out all the links. Good luck to everyone and thank you for being here, it is a relief to be reminded that I am not alone 

[Pizzas123]

Are you sure you aren't writing this about MY daughter, Peaceinthe home?   You described her perfectly!  Always the conflict, always someone treating her badly at work.  NEVER her fault. And she cycles, too... . where we have things going along smoothly for a few weeks, and then here comes the drama again.  Like being caught in a loop, over and over again.  Daughter's poor husband said he couldn't take the ups and downs over and over again. 

Scenario: Daughter quits job... . daughter gets new job... . daughter LOVES new job, and everyone there LOVES her... . 6 months later:  Daughter HATES job, people are mistreating her and she is working too hard... . daughter quits job... . daughter gets new job... . daughter LOVES new job and everyone there LOVES her... .   You get the idea.  Repeat exactly the same over and over.

She has sucked every bit of happiness out of our lives... . yesterday she called and I could hear her voice even though my husband was talking to her, it was that loud.  My stomach started doing the topsy-turvy thing it does when she calls.     Sorry to go on and on... . but it's all so predictable, isn't it?

[qcarolr]

Pizzas123 - how can we learn to step out of the loop? 

The tool for "Be Self-Aware and of WiseMind" has some good ideas. Also Radical Acceptance (a DBT skill). I need frequent refresher's though. So hard for me to practice consistently.

qcr

[Pizzas123]

Thank you, I will read that.   

[lemon flower]

Is there a planet she can go and live on, where I can just visit from time to time?

in my ideal world there would exist communities were BPD's could live amongst understanding "normal" people, a peaceful surrounding without drugs and alcohol where they have enough privacy yet aren't lonely and get some support when needed... .

our western society is so intolerant, so individualistic and so afraid of "madness" that it is frightening, I wonder how a BPD would function in more "primitive" non-western cultures, where there is much more "social surveillance" and acceptance 

it would be such a relieve for BPd's if they woudn't feel so alone in this world and for their families if they wouldn 't have to deal with it all by themselves concerning their disordered family-members... .

let's hope some change will happen little by little