Resenting those who've stayed friends with the BPDex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I left the relationship I followed all expert advice, and honestly my only option left to make all the madness stop: complete shutout, no contact.

Years later still no contact but I hear about and see acquaintances and friends of mine who are still friendly with him and vice versa.

Here's the thing: rationally I understand that his relationships with casual friends will never be like those he has with a long-term romantic partner. They'll never see what I saw. And he won't treat them badly because he needs them to feel good about himself.

But it still bothers me. He used to speak badly about all of them, always complaining (everything black and white) while I used to reason about situations, give people benefit of the doubt and be more understanding.

Also some of them knew of my most troubling experiences and expressed to me how wrong the relationship was. Some of them got through to me even to make me see that his behaviors were not normal. Yet after the breakup they will even go out of their way to invite him over or socialize. 

Some if it is single or flirtatious women who (even though they know the ~ty truth) I guess need the attention. Some is maybe just people who are attracted to drama.

Whatever it is its weird and makes me feel like rare people can be trusted.

I'm happy to have moved on. Love love love my new bf and life. But, have to admit am resentful to see some people's true colors.

[fisheyes]

When I left the relationship I followed all expert advice, and honestly my only option left to make all the madness stop: complete shutout, no contact.

Years later still no contact but I hear about and see acquaintances and friends of mine who are still friendly with him and vice versa.

Here's the thing: rationally I understand that his relationships with casual friends will never be like those he has with a long-term romantic partner. They'll never see what I saw. And he won't treat them badly because he needs them to feel good about himself.

But it still bothers me. He used to speak badly about all of them, always complaining (everything black and white) while I used to reason about situations, give people benefit of the doubt and be more understanding.

Also some of them knew of my most troubling experiences and expressed to me how wrong the relationship was. Some of them got through to me even to make me see that his behaviors were not normal. Yet after the breakup they will even go out of their way to invite him over or socialize. 

Some if it is single or flirtatious women who (even though they know the ~ty truth) I guess need the attention. Some is maybe just people who are attracted to drama.

Whatever it is its weird and makes me feel like rare people can be trusted.

I'm happy to have moved on. Love love love my new bf and life. But, have to admit am resentful to see some people's true colors.

[Iced]

If I am understanding your situation right, you're not the only one in those shoes.   

When I finally initiated NC/No Contact with my fwBPD, we still shared several mutual friends and they (my friend with BPD) managed to retain 'friendships' with these mutual friends.

The black and white painting and lying and dramatizing and all of that other good stuff happened, of course, and my reputation plummeted south.

Meanwhile, a mutual friend of ours who had also been a part of the original drama that had led into everything was actually spared the good majority of the friend's raging and verbal abuse.

Though this mutual friend was eventually given similar abusive treatment which provoked them into initiated NC, I spent - and sometimes revisit - some time experiencing resentment towards them.

Why?

Because while I had to deal with the proverbial ~ and aftermath of rage, verbal abuse, threats, and whatever else and because I had to literally 'go stealth' (also like you, at the advice of the professionals whom I was under the care of at the time) and make sacrifices to make good on the choice that I made to detach and save my own sanity and health, it seemed like everyone else who was interacting with the fwBPD got the 'good' stuff.

Socializing, laughter, sweetness, charming, etc.

The fact that the mutual friend had been just as involved in the drama... .  but had managed to escape the fallout and was being viciously defended by my former fwBPD did nothing to alleviate that feeling of resentment that developed.

And though I am embarrassed and a little ashamed to admit it, to this date, there are times where I cannot look at that friend without cringing and feeling a flare-up of that resentment.

[SarahinMA]

I understand.  I harbor a little resentment as well... .  especially, because I can't emphasize to my mutual friends how much of a mind frack this dude put through.  They don't understand.  It's strange, because most of the people my ex is now closely associated with love drama.  They love bad-mouthing people, are all emotionally immature.  There is a lot of gossiping amongst them; they use each other.  Although it hurts that they've all painted me black, I have to keep reminding myself that I don't want to associate with these people.  They will never lead healthy lifestyles. 

[syz]

I know its easy to second guess yourself and its hard to see someone go on with connections still intact. 

I get that some of us have a deeper desire for justice or even revenge than others and I'm not knocking those impulses they happen to really strong in me.  I even read of a study once that showed brain activity in different people when they saw justice being implemented towards someone who had done wrong.   Some people didn't have much of a response others had their brains light up like christmas trees.  I'm sure I'm one of those people. 

Knowing that about myself I've always rather gotten irritated with the saying that the best revenge is to live well because what I want is to live well and for them to not so much.   .  But there is a lot too this saying as cliched as it might be.  I remember when I had some really lousy things happen to me and I ended up moving away to college.  I started working with a teacher doing meditation and I started working out a lot.  Several years later I met someone who changed my life.  I fell pretty deeply in love.  I no longer cared about those people, what they were doing, whether their lives were good or bad or anything.  I no longer thought about them at all. 

Keep working at making your life good and forget about what things 'seem' to be.  I'm sure his life isn't much different than it was when you left.   

[charred]

I don't resent anyone staying friends... but being painted black sure bugs me. Am in an unusual situation in that my sister works with a gal that has two jobs, and her second job is with my exBPDgf... so they share a common friend, and I get to hear interesting things. To me it seems like you just have to accept that the pwBPD is disordered and toxic to your health, so you should accept your decision to move on and stay with it, once you have made that decision. I am glad I was never married to the pwBPD, and didn't have kids or many common friends. The few friends we both knew she completely painted me black with... .  and I did nothing about it. Anyone around here long and very close will pickup up on her disorder... .  but casual acquaintances seem to think she is wonderful.