How to overcome the intimacy issue

[anik0]

Hi everyone.

I am trying to gain some information about overcoming the intimacy issue... .

My girlfriend and I are trying to figure out if it is possible to do something with her fear of the intimacy. We hardly ever have sex. And that bothers me a lot. This time we decided to start a separation period to figure out if we can still be together... .We are looking for a way to fix our sex life. I was not sure if it was even possible, but I read topics here and I think some of you have normal sex life with your partner (?). Would anyone tell me how did you do that? Was there a problem with intimacy before or there wa never a problem with that?

I am looking for any help as I want to stay with my girlfriend... .Please, help us with finding a way to fix it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

Intimacy is something we have been working on.  Perhaps google for a therapist that works on intimacy disorders and BPD, in your area.  There is a lot of good work going on based on attachment theory but it is something that needs professional help.

[maxsterling]

Have you thought about what you needs are in this area?  What would you do if you realized those needs could not be completely met?  Could you compromise on those needs, or would that be a "deal breaker" for this relationship?

It's hard to maintain a relationship if the level intimacy mutually needed is not reciprocated.  I ask the above questions because I have had to ask them about my own relationship, and have concluded that certain levels of sexual intimacy arent going to be possible in my relationship due to her past traumas, low self esteem, and some health issues. 

[anik0]

Thanks for your replies.

I am trying to answer that question now... .We are separated to give each other time to figure out what to do next. If intimacy issue is something that we can't fix, I know I can not stay in this relationship. I am willing to compromise, but don't know how much yet. I am waiting for her to figure out if she is willing to work on that problem.

I know there are therapies, but can they be effective in overcoming intimacy issues for people with BPD? That is all I want to know. Is there anyone with BPD who resolved the intimacy issue? If yes, then I have some more thinking to do. If not, me and my gf need to split up and we are quite ready for that.

I am not sure if we can go to other therapy now as she is already in therapy and as far as I know her therapist is not in favor for letting my gf start any other therapies at the same time as it can affect her therapeutic process. But finding a therapy would be a next step for me. The first is to find out, is it possible to resolve the intimacy problems for someone with BPD.

Anyone experienced that?

[maxsterling]

Sorry, I had to cut off my post last night before I could completely finish my thoughts.

I think it is important to identify what exactly the intimacy "issue" is.  In my r/s, intimacy issues do not stand alone.  They are tied into jealousy issues, abuse issues, self image issues, and more.  Is the issue infrequent sex, unsatisfying sex, or the reasons behind both of those that causes issues in my r/s?  Would I be okay with getting less than what I wanted sexually if I got intimacy from hers in other ways?  Personally, I would rather have a more loving and less sexual r/s than a more sexual and less loving (I'd like to have both). I think in my case I need to identify exactly what my issues are before I have any hopes of dealing with them. 

Therapies for her intimacy issues - I think my SO needs such therapy because I don't think she has a grasp of what role sex plays in her life.  For me, sex and love are intertwined.  For her, sex is intertwined with other things - money, power, violence... .  That means when we have sex, I don't fully feel like she is in the moment with me.  That's frustrating.  In her past sexual history, it sounds like sex was rarely about love, and now she is in a situation where it is.  And I think that causes great confusion and distress in her.  Even the other day right after we had sex, she was making some comments, and then remarked, "I guess I have a lot of sex issues."  Right now I feel like I am getting love from her, so I trust that she will handle her own issues regarding sex.  I was glad to hear her at least admit to having issues. 

I will say this - if your wife is admitting she has issues in that area, and is seeking some kind of help,  perhaps a little patience for awhile will suit you well.  It sounds to me like you want someone to tell you that she can go to therapy, solve her issues, and you two will have a fantastic sex life.  Unfortunately, I can't tell you that

[MissyM]

The first is to find out, is it possible to resolve the intimacy problems for someone with BPD.

Anyone experienced that?

Since BPD is on a spectrum, it is hard for anyone to tell you this.  It would take an expert in this area to help you out.  I believe my dBPDh is capable of this but it terrifies him.  He is working in individual therapy on his issues and we are starting to work on intimacy issues.  He is capable of having sex these days but had to do some work on his childhood sexual trauma before he was able to do that.  He still feels a lot of shame after sex but that is something he has to work on with his own therapist.  Does your BPDgf's therapist give any indication that this is something that they believe is possible?

[anik0]

Thank you maxsterling and MissyM for replying.

I think it is important to identify what exactly the intimacy "issue" is.

Well we don't have sex as often as I would like. When I look back I think most of the time were when we had fights about not having sex and she would do it to make me stay. But not always! There were times when we could have sex because I asked or we decided to have it (probably I mentioned it and she did not refuse) but that was rare. The were other times when I proposed sex and she would say no... .There were times when we had great sex and I did not see any signs of something not being ok. But sometimes she would have wet eyes and I would ask if she was ok... .She sometimes told me she felt a terrible emotional pain while having sex with me. I suppose it was a fear of being to close to someone... .I remember when we started having sex she would totally detach emotionally and I did not like it and told her that... .I knew there was something wrong. We basically stoped having sex. After a year or something we finally started having sex when she was not detached with her emotions. But some of those times where the ones when she had tears... .So I can tell having sex is difficult to her. Once she told me that before she met me sex was just something physical to her. And now she is about to have sex with someone who she actually have feelings for and that terryfies her.

So that is the deal... .

A month ago, there was some kind of a break through I think, because she intitiated sex for the first time! Well it was a... .mechanical sex really. But for the first time it was her who initiated it and she said she wanted to do this for me because she knows I need sex in a relationship... .

I don't know where her fear of such intimacy comes from. Is it just BPD, or is it some childhood things that she has unresolved... .She started talking about our sex problems with her therapist (I don't know how it's going, I never ask her for any intimate details unless she want to tell me them herself). But she mentioned to me some difficult sex related things from her childhood... .

I believe my dBPDh is capable of this but it terrifies him

Now we are standing on the question if she think she could work on that problems. Yesterday she told me she even started looking for a sexuologist but she felt like she does not want to go there and work on it because it terryfies her too much.

maxsterling, you said:

Right now I feel like I am getting love from her

Could you say something more about that? I think I feel I am getting love from my gf, but... .after reading so much on this and other forums about evil BPDs who just hurt and manipulate, I am a bit afraid that maybe I confuse love with manipulation or I don't know what... .

MissyM so your husband is able to have sex now? Well with my gf it was like sometimes I could see and she would admit she felt a lot of shame or that she didn't deserve that pleasue but other times after sex I would see none of those and she also wouldn't say anything... .I don't know if my gf asked her therapist if according to him such change for her is possible... .Maybe I should ask her if she could ask?... .Well of course only if she says she feels like she could work on that. I can't force her to anything. So far she said she doesn't feel like it. But we gave each other more time to think about the whole situation and if we want to keep trying to maintain our relationship. I hope I am not being stupid for  wanting to be with her... .