Shifting the Blame to the Non

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

In my experience, those w/BPD are reluctant if not resistant to taking responsibility for their actions, with the result that they frequently ascribe their problems to someone else, when in fact the pwBPD often creates the problem in the first place. 

For example, one time my BPDexW arrived home upset because, according to her, someone had been tailgating her car.  I validated her feelings of anger, but refused to call the police on her behalf.  She hit the ceiling, claiming that I was failing to back her, and the whole tailgating incident -- which had nothing to do with me -- suddenly transmuted into a fight between us.

Have others had this experience with their BPDso, where something that has nothing to do with the Non suddenly becomes reason to blame and/or berate the Non?

Lucky Jim

[Ittookthislong]

its a magic trick. a distraction to get the focus on you so that you can leave them alone in the torment and not make them feel worse than they already do. no clue if it is intentional or not, i imagine for some it is some it isnt, but conscious or not they usually get off the hook that way

[Ittookthislong]

i should clarify- im not a shrink these are theories or analogies of what i think they do subconsciously, and i could be way off base, but i think they guard their misery and issues and use any trick in the book to keep your hands of it. thats why i imagine they are angered by people who want to love and help, and mistrustful that you want to take their hurting away. they are angry to if you try and make them take responsibility for change because that would mean they would have to change and give that misery/self sabotage up. why would they want to do that when that is their only tool to get everything they want, that sadness, vulnerability has always gotten them more of what people like us give them. its not going to work and your gonna feel like the bad guy, or they will make you the bad guy so they can keep on doing exactly what they do... . because it works, and they dont know any other way, i imagine if i were in that situation it would piss me off too that someone was trying to take my only coping mechanism away.

[danley]

Yes. I have had this experience many times with my ex.

One time there was a guy who didn't care for my ex. He would ignore my ex and make his life a living hell... . according to my ex. He'd come to me and complain about it and I'd tell him to let it go because it wasn't doing him any good to worry about someone he didn't like anyway. He got mad and suddenly I wasn't being supportive. Then he said I was making it worse because I was still cordial with the guy, which means that I was being professional. Then he went and started saying that it was my fault that the guy didn't like him. Then from there he went off on a tangent that I let people run all over me and I don't stand up for myself. I was left dumbfounded.

Another example is when he moved into his new place and never unlocked for months and his place started looking like a scene out of the show Hoarders. He would complain about it every week and so I volunteered to help him but he insisted he had it under control. Weeks passed by and he was still in a mess. So I offered suggestions to help work on it one area at a time. He agreed and said he would get on it. Weeks pass by and I asked him what he was doing. He said nothing and that he was just sitting around. So I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat. All of a sudden he gets irate and starts up about his house being a mess and he hasn't even touched a vacuum in months and that It's all my fault. He said I wasn't being understanding and that because I asked him to grab dinner that night that he was still in a messy house. He said i didnt care he lived in a pig stye and i was being selfish. No! I was under the impression he was going to get on it like he had said weeks prior. Again I was left dumbfounded.

I think they get frustrated with themselves and it makes them feel comforted to deflect or project their angst onto us. They cannot have that feeling of failure on them and so they throw it out onto others. It's never their fault they are in the situations they are in even tho It's clear as day that they put themselves where they're at.

[bpdspell]

i think they guard their misery and issues and use any trick in the book to keep your hands of it. thats why i imagine they are angered by people who want to love and help, and mistrustful that you want to take their hurting away. they are angry to if you try and make them take responsibility for change because that would mean they would have to change and give that misery/self sabotage up. why would they want to do that when that is their only tool to get everything they want, that sadness, vulnerability has always gotten them more of what people like us give them. its not going to work and your gonna feel like the bad guy, or they will make you the bad guy so they can keep on doing exactly what they do... . because it works, and they dont know any other way, i imagine if i were in that situation it would piss me off too that someone was trying to take my only coping mechanism away.

Itooksolong,

I think you are spot on in this observation. My BPDexbf was certainly addicted to the privileges that came with his powerful victim narrative. I don't think they do this on a waking conscious level but I do believe their lack of accountability is due in part to their deep shame and being addicted to what has worked for them their entire lives.

Lucky Jim,

Yes. I can validate how they can become easily irritated, blame shift and become incensed or slighted at the smallest of matters... . making a mountain out of a molehill. If we don't jump through a circus ring on fire or clap our paws together like a trained SeaWorld seal or allow them to yank our puppet strings into knots then automatically your love and loyalty to them is put into question.

My ex blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life including not meeting his own personal goals.      

From the moment we deviate and become in essence human beings... . every communicative exchange becomes a ___ test and if we don't pass then that's proof that we deserve to be punished and devalue because they are no longer in full control.

Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Such a sad chain of events and it's quite unfortunate for them because they lose good & truly loving people with this disorder.

The experience of how the relationship evolves is INSANE when you don't know what mental illness is. And even MORE INSANE when you don't understand BPD.

But the more we learn about BPD the more we can depersonalize our Walking on Eggshells. The are emotionally children stuck in the stages of me, me, me and it makes sense once we understand that their brain wiring is stunted. This link helped me:

www.childhealing.com/articles/selfishchild.php

BPD isn't personal. It's a devastating disorder for them to have and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

Spell

[Nearlybroken]

My ex blamed me for everything.Before he was diagnosed with BPD he was diagnosed with GAD and depression... stemming from events that happened years before he met me.I tried  everything I could to help him.When I was nice to him or wrote him notes telling him how much I cared he would tell me that my nice behaviour had brought on a panic attack.So I had to be careful and police my "niceness".If he was feeling down it was my fault.One time when I disagreed with his opinion he screamed at me that I had ruined our releationship.I shudder to remember the "debates" where he would twist literally everything to place the blame on me.Once I had fallen from the pedestal he put me on everything I said or did became a test, which I continually failed through no fault of my own.Nothing I said or did was right.The more I tried to rectify things the more I suffered.He projected all of his anger onto me and it was exhausting.I am sure you will all know the frustration of someone illogically twisting EVERYTHING so as to make it your fault.Whern I cared for him and told him how much he was loved I was wrong, when I stood up to him when he was being abusive, I was wrong.His thought process and behaviour was so bizarre... . and it totally destroyed my mental health.

[tailspin]

Jim,

It's called flipping the script or manipulation and stems from their mastery of denial and deception.  These are survival instincts for the mentally ill.  

This is their behavior regardless of whether they are willing/able to own it or not.  Everyone has the right to live their lives and make their own decisions concerning how they treat themselves and others.  We cannot control the behavior of others; we can only control our reaction to these behaviors.

The question then becomes... . why did you tolerate being treated this way?

tailspin

[Rosehip]

Hello,

I agree with what has been said. It's an awful situation to be in.

It is so damaging to our sense of self-worth.

I had no knowledge of BPD until recently and I'm going through a " if only I'd known" " why did I let it go on so long" stage.

I'm trying really hard to protect myself but it is such a sad situation to be in. I feel so angry and hurt and bewildered.

Reading the posts helps so much.

The suggested reading is very enlightening. Which brings me back to why didn't I know sooner / why did I put up with so much/ what's wrong with me.

It sounds as if we all have to go through this to get some healing.

good luck and peace to you all.

[Validation78]

Hey All!

I think most of us have had this experience with our pwBPD. The thing we have to remember is that we have a choice, to bite or not to bite. If you validated her feelings, and she still wants to goad you into an argument, here's where you can exit stage right, figuratively or literally!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks to all for your thoughtful posts.

Spell: you hit the nail on the head again!  Agree, it is a kind of test, like a lose/lose proposition.

Tailspin: fair question that most Nons have probably asked themselves at one time or another.  Short answer: our kids were young and I held out hope that things might improve (they didn't).

Val: I used to exit stage right by taking long walks at night when my BPDex's anger was most prevalent.  Sometimes I returned to find my business clothes in a pile on the front lawn, or the house dark and the door locked!

Rosehip: Yes, it is damaging to our sense of self-worth and wears one down over time.

All replies are much appreciated!

Lucky Jim