Moving On but living next door

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just split up with my udBPDexgf about a month ago after more or less a year together. We are next door neighbours and bought our flats and moved in on the same day.

Not that I knew it then she was ABSOLUTELY textbook BPD Waif. I, being a 'fixer' fell for all her manipulation and trickery.  She is now with someone else and had him lined up before our final breakup. I'm now tarred black and receiving ST.

Problem is, I live next door to her (right next door, only two flats on the floor!). I haven't seen her with the new guy yet but I know it's only a matter of time.

What are peoples opinions on coping with this situation? I feel it might be difficult to move on and puts me in the firing line for perpetual rebound cycles.

[WuTanger100]

I just split up with my udBPDexgf about a month ago after more or less a year together. We are next door neighbours and bought our flats and moved in on the same day.

Not that I knew it then she was ABSOLUTELY textbook BPD Waif. I, being a 'fixer' fell for all her manipulation and trickery.  She is now with someone else and had him lined up before our final breakup. I'm now tarred black and receiving ST.

Problem is, I live next door to her (right next door, only two flats on the floor!). I haven't seen her with the new guy yet but I know it's only a matter of time.

What are peoples opinions on coping with this situation? I feel it might be difficult to move on and puts me in the firing line for perpetual rebound cycles.

[joeramabeme]

WuTanger100

I feel it might be difficult to move on and puts me in the firing line for perpetual rebound cycles

Sounds like you know the answer.  At a minimum it will be difficult to watch her with others.  Being next door could not only set you up for recycling but may make it difficult if you become involved with others and that triggers her sense of security.

Any alternate plans you can exercise?  Or are you going to tough it out?

[WuTanger100]

I had considered moving back in with my parents for 6 months or so but feel why should I?

To be fair, I always had a feeling in my gut that this relationship was wrong and the last few breakups left me feeling relieved. It was only when I found out she was sleeping with someone else the hurt kicked in.

I feel hopeful I can tough it out but that might change if I'm coming up the stairs and 'hear noises' coming from the flat or see them together.

[C.Stein]

I had considered moving back in with my parents for 6 months or so but feel why should I?

To be fair, I always had a feeling in my gut that this relationship was wrong and the last few breakups left me feeling relieved. It was only when I found out she was sleeping with someone else the hurt kicked in.

I feel hopeful I can tough it out but that might change if I'm coming up the stairs and 'hear noises' coming from the flat or see them together.

I feel for you man.  I don't think I could handle it.  

Personally I draw an unforgivable boundary at infidelity.  Once that boundary is crossed it can't be undone.

[WuTanger100]

[/quote]
I feel for you man.  I don't think I could handle it.  

Personally I draw an unforgivable boundary at infidelity.  Once that boundary is crossed it can't be undone.[/quote]
I have always been the same mate. That is... .until this relationship! That was one of the first things she ever asked me - "How do you feel about cheating and cheats?" Looking back now what other way can you answer that other than a resolute "It's awful". I've heard they 'open up' and act completely honest with their new  'marks' to appear open and forthcoming. Red flag!

[Schermarhorn]

When I saw my ex with her new guy it set me back big time.

I knew she was with someone else at the time too.

If anything sets you off, come here and post. Don't break NC.

[C.Stein]

When I saw my ex with her new guy it set me back big time.

Just finding out my ex had a new guy sent me in a tailspin.  The tailspin resulted in a spectacular crash when I realized she had lined this guy while we were still together.  It was something I had come to believe she would never do ... .or something I tried to convince myself she would never do.  Self-inflicted blind old fool I turned out to be.  How many times do you have to learn that your gut instinct is usually correct before you actually listen to it.  

[WuTanger100]

As well as seeing her with her new partner I'm worried she's told neighbours how much of a bad person I am colouring their image of me. I know she's split me black with her friends so it stands to reason she'll do it with others.

I don't know IF or HOW MUCH she's told neighbours. She's friendly with one or two of them and comes across as the loveliest, sweetest little girl who can wrap people around her finger.

Should I speak to some of the neighbours (who I am on friendly terms with but not as friendly as her) and tell them my side of the story or is it not worth it for fear of escalating the situation? I hate the thought of them thinking I was a horrible abusive bf when she was the one putting me through hell!

[C.Stein]

If it were me, I wouldn't want to be painted black without just cause to people whom I associate with, even on a limited basis.  It's always a good idea to be friendly with neighbours.  I would probably reach out to them, but not in a way that would be considered abnormal contact.  Based on their reaction towards me I may or may not broach the subject of the ex, but in an indirect manner to let them know I was open to discussing it.  

I don't know if that makes sense or is the right thing to do, it's just something I might consider doing if I were in your shoes.

[mywifecrazy]

Read my story and you might be encouraged. I was married 18yrs to  uBPDxw have 2 sons with her. She hopped into bed with neighbor across the street and has now moved in with him.  I was stressed out for some time and was ready to sell my house and move.

2 yrs later. I never moved and I'm glad I didn't. Where once I was was stressed and had a lot of anxiety with her so close I now LAUGH!  I see her relationship with him for what it is, Highly dysfunctional and extremely unhealthy! Where once I wanted to kill my neighbor I now LAUGH that he is now the one being lied to and manipulated. He did me a favor by having an affair with her and me catching them. HE GOT ME OUT AND OFF THE BPD CRAZY TRAIN!

Don't do anything impulsively!  Put up healthy boundaries and don't let her cross them. Stay N/C. Only move if it's right for YOU. Don't let her control,you by making you feel,like you're running away.

MWC... .

[WuTanger100]

Mywifecrazy I just read your story and that is truly awful. I feel bad enough after a year nevermind 20! Still, I'm glad you can look back now and feel relief.

Did she ever try and recycle with you?

I'm definitely split black just now and are NC but I'm worried that when the idealisation is over with this new guy she'll be back. I hope by that point I'll be in a position to rebuff her.

[mywifecrazy]

WuT10,

Never OVERTLY tried to recycle me. After I recovered and got my head out her FOG of lies and manipulation I enacted N/C and FIRM boundaries that I strictly adhere to. She has subtlety tried re-engaging to see if there is any room for friendship or communicating like nothing has ever happened. I didn't bite. I politely ignored her requests and stuck with my boundaries and N/C... .I would NEVER go back to any type of relationship with her.  I'm not being cruel or heartless, it's just reality. She's too toxic.  I don't need that in my life!

MWC... .