Did they warn you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is an interesting thread. Does anyone else think that this is both a filter and a bait to find Rescuer/Caretaker/Co-dependent types as most of us seem to be here?

In the end, it absolves them of responsibility, because they can say, "I told you in the beginning!" ... .

Yes definitely. Its part of the BPD script and comes shortly before the sh!t tests.

[Aussie0zborn]

This is an interesting thread. Does anyone else think that this is both a filter and a bait to find Rescuer/Caretaker/Co-dependent types as most of us seem to be here?

In the end, it absolves them of responsibility, because they can say, "I told you in the beginning!" ... .

Yes definitely. Its part of the BPD script and comes shortly before the sh!t tests.

[Ironmanrises]

The warnings were exhibited starting from when we were first friends. I saw them as just quirks of her personality. I honestly had no ___ing clue at that time what a truly godawful person I was allowing into my life as I was still healing on all levels from my second suicide attempt. Those very quirks in hindsight after she left me the first time now viewed through the BPD corrective lens were horrific deformations of her personality that was clearly 2 different personalities within one person. I was seeing glimpses of her Medusa side(other side) even when just friends, experienced the full explosion of that very personality when she RAGED at me over the phone in round 1 discard, and the coup d'grace was that I witnessed in person in final days of being in her house in round 2, the splitting of her personality. I encountered Medusa those last few days. I am still horrified to this day as to what I experienced. The mere quirks I once innocently thought in the beginning, fast forward to now, shows the naive idyll I was once in, has been thoroughly annihilated.

I'm sorry Ironman. Did you share what you had been through with her,and did she use that to further hurt you?

I count several personalities with mine... .not quite like split personality, but justfacets she shows people. She even wrote them in herjournal, confirmingwhat i already knew. Now, in the end, I've seen them all. No one will ever again know her as I do. A dark gift for me... .

Turkish, as our friendship deepened, I began to share with her what had happened to me(2 suicide attempts, depression) and we "bonded" through her telling me about her traumatic experiences. A "deep bond" in her words that she loved. She would always reference to that "deep bond". Did she mean these words? Unknown. Later on, she referenced my depression along with my suicide attempts as me being "weak" in devaluation. That I "remained stuck in life." while she was "personally developing". Right. Suffice to say, those words cut right through me. Here I was trying to understand her, her disorder and all the hell that it comes with and here she was, putting me down. Mine had 2 major personalities with 2-3 minor ones interwoven or they were the schemas she was going through. A dark gift I can certainly imagine.

[Turkish]

I hate posting from my phone... .but I'm so addicted to this site, that I try anyway, which is why some of my posts have spelling errors and nonsensical words thrown in.

At home, I use the tablet, depsite not having a swype keyboard, but give me a full keyboard any day. I'd try google voice, but if I'm outside, the neighbors might think I'm crazy.

The wife took everything when she left. Back to square one. I feel like an 18 year old bachelor. She drained me financially and took the computer left me with the old furntiture. CS is really high with 3 kids. I'm addicted too and most of my posts come from my Blackberry. I feel like I can pour bits of my story on this board over several posts and let it out. The support/guidance/knowledge is phenominal in understand a complex r/s dynamic and disorder.

I should take back the ipad I got her last christmas... .but working on a job for that company all weekend a few months ago, I came home drained. They are a customer of my company. Sat down to read and unwind and the x comes in and says we were done. I was "ignoring" her (shed already taken up with that kid anyway, so bs... .I didn't find out until a few weekss after).  No fraking appreciatin for working my ass off for our family. Zero support from her other than watching the kids which are hers too, and something id sure rather be doing.

[Turkish]

The warnings were exhibited starting from when we were first friends. I saw them as just quirks of her personality. I honestly had no ___ing clue at that time what a truly godawful person I was allowing into my life as I was still healing on all levels from my second suicide attempt. Those very quirks in hindsight after she left me the first time now viewed through the BPD corrective lens were horrific deformations of her personality that was clearly 2 different personalities within one person. I was seeing glimpses of her Medusa side(other side) even when just friends, experienced the full explosion of that very personality when she RAGED at me over the phone in round 1 discard, and the coup d'grace was that I witnessed in person in final days of being in her house in round 2, the splitting of her personality. I encountered Medusa those last few days. I am still horrified to this day as to what I experienced. The mere quirks I once innocently thought in the beginning, fast forward to now, shows the naive idyll I was once in, has been thoroughly annihilated.

I'm sorry Ironman. Did you share what you had been through with her,and did she use that to further hurt you?

I count several personalities with mine... .not quite like split personality, but justfacets she shows people. She even wrote them in herjournal, confirmingwhat i already knew. Now, in the end, I've seen them all. No one will ever again know her as I do. A dark gift for me... .

Turkish, as our friendship deepened, I began to share with her what had happened to me(2 suicide attempts, depression) and we "bonded" through her telling me about her traumatic experiences. A "deep bond" in her words that she loved. She would always reference to that "deep bond". Did she mean these words? Unknown. Later on, she referenced my depression along with my suicide attempts as me being "weak" in devaluation. That I "remained stuck in life." while she was "personally developing". Right. Suffice to say, those words cut right through me. Here I was trying to understand her, her disorder and all the hell that it comes with and here she was, putting me down. Mine had 2 major personalities with 2-3 minor ones interwoven or they were the schemas she was going through. A dark gift I can certainly imagine.

What a vampire! You sound like you had it worse emotionally. Id try to talk to mine about my past, but she'd always shut me down (I think it triggered her pain). And she wondered why I never talked to her deeply about such things. I never felt safe opening up! Yet I was the poor communicator, riiiight.

[chuckstrong]

Oh yea ----thats exactly what happened to me. At the height of the honeymoon / idealization stage she blurted out " I just need to warn you that all my relationships end badly and I end them all".  I very stupidly (in hindsight) said that won't happen this time we love each other so much. How wrong I was. 9 months and three breakups later boy was she right all her relationships do end badly and she does end them all. Silly Chuck I thought I was "the one" the exception that if I just loved her with all my heart and soul I would fix her I would rescue her. Silly me BPD and NPD cannot--- I say CANNOT be defeated. And, now 15 months later after an unprecedented 2 month silence on her part I'm still sad, shattered, and shellshocked. But one day at a time with faith, friends, and family I'm trying hard to little by little recover and get a little bit stronger. Just a little bit stronger. One day one hour at a time.

[lost not dead]

I guess it is common and now a new red flag for me.

[Turkish]

I guess it is common and now a new red flag for me.

And the red flags for us is  that most of us here had LTRs  with someone with a  severe PD.  better to not lay that one out in the first date... . Or never to mention it.

[Pretty Woman]

This BPD shyt is enough to scare the crap out of people we date in the future. 

I have a pub date tomorrow.  I did tell this person my ex is crazy.  I had to put it out there. The lesbian community is small and in case we run into her she needs some warning but I can't share anything else.  No one but the people on this board would believe this stuff. 

[lost not dead]

Yeah I made the mistake of telling the truth to a date. She kept saying she could handle it. Sure. I find it very upsetting at the double standard of dating. I find that it is accepted for divorced women that her husband was an ass but when you're a divorced man there seems to be a stigma.

Sorry that should probably be its own thread.

[Turkish]

Yeah I made the mistake of telling the truth to a date. She kept saying she could handle it. Sure. I find it very upsetting at the double standard of dating. I find that it is accepted for divorced women that her husband was an ass but when you're a divorced man there seems to be a stigma.

Sorry that should probably be its own thread.

yes.  like we did something to deserve it. They deserve to be happy and do just about anything to justify it.  my x,  while not painting me entirely black,  has garnered sympathy as the unloved waif. I  think she isn't aware that not everybody buys into that ( like her family,  since they've dealt with her periodic rages and mood swings their whole lives),  but her new idiot obviously did.

[lost not dead]

Turkish

It feels like we are talking about the exact same woman. Do they have a secret book called "How to make them walk on Eggshells"?

[Waifed]

  darn phone and getting mixed up with quote/modify. Sorry for double post.

I hate posting from my phone... .but I'm so addicted to this site, that I try anyway, which is why some of my posts have spelling errors and nonsensical words thrown in.

At home, I use the tablet, depsite not having a swype keyboard, but give me a full keyboard any day. I'd try google voice, but if I'm outside, the neighbors might think I'm crazy.

Just tell them it's your stbx

[Turkish]

Turkish

It feels like we are talking about the exact same woman. Do they have a secret book called "How to make them walk on Eggshells"?

She has been somewhat with me.  I've gently ripped into her a few times and her responses are weak and short.  she realizes I  am still providing her some stability. I  know on some level she appreciates it. Finally.

[Turkish]

Turkish

It feels like we are talking about the exact same woman. Do they have a secret book called "How to make them walk on Eggshells"?

I  imagine there's a factory somewhere,  churning them out.  :)ysfunction  Junction,  Inc.

[jjclark]

She did warn me.  She told me about her BPD, her depression and her ADD. But things were going so well then.

She told me she tends to not be the one ending the relationship, that she will act out and get dumped before dumping.

Looking back, I should have known. I don't know why I didn't leave then, I guess it wasn't my finest hour.

[lost not dead]

jj

You were like the rest of us poor fools. You were going to show her how life was with a real man that knew how to treat a lady.

[jjclark]

Lost not dead,

Thank you, I needed to hear that. 

I'm keeping my hopes up that this will work out better with an actual lady. :P

J/

[lost not dead]

Me too j.

[Littleopener]

Yep. "Everyone in my life abandons me".

I felt so sorry for him and it made me fall for him harder. I guess I wanted to be the female equivalent of a white knight.


Now he's probably telling his new woman that I abandoned him even though he "ended" it- ie refused to see me.

[HostNoMore]

I loved reading everyone's warnings as mine were so similar if not identical.  Literal clue bats to the head that I glossed over as the real person who was being revealed to me was diametrically opposed to the woman that I had known for so many years prior to the relationship.  She hid it so well over those years that even in retrospect I can only remember a few whiffs of BPD that I can only connect to the disorder due to the knowledge I gained from the board.

The best one she ever told me was: "I am a monster." Yes, they are true monsters in all of their various types.

As part of my recovery, I was forced to reckon with with how I failed to heed her blatant warnings.  I have come to the following:

1) She triggered the "rescuer" in me

2) HF BPDs are so good at concealing the condition

3) I could not process the new information as the relationship progressed with the person I thought I knew

Having the three things listed above coupled with my weakness to defend my boundaries properly led to a really good long term teaching experience for me.

In the final cataclysmic event after which I immediately dumped her, she dysregulated so badly that it was really weird observing her behaviors.  She reenaged me one last time to gain back control whereupon she dumped me after having my replacement locked in place.  I don't think I could have simply dumped her as she had to be in control of everything to the Nth degree so it had to end with her, at least thinking, that she dumped me.  Anyway, I thank my replacement profusely for liberating me, and they are currently married by the way.

[Moonie75]

I just remembered some more   frightened I ignored. Although I did note at the time they were odd remarks for a person to make.

1, during a txt exchange filled with fury (from both sides I confess) she txt'd me "I'm bad to the bone & you will never BEAT me so give up!"

2, when she was doing her best to create an argument so she could cancel our plans & do something (someone) else. I saw her coming this time & wouldn't bite. She got furious & shouted "c'mon play the game!"

She knew/knows all too well that something's VERY wrong!

[Perfidy]

I loved reading everyone's warnings as mine were so similar if not identical.  Literal clue bats to the head that I glossed over as the real person who was being revealed to me was diametrically opposed to the woman that I had known for so many years prior to the relationship.  She hid it so well over those years that even in retrospect I can only remember a few whiffs of BPD that I can only connect to the disorder due to the knowledge I gained from the board.

The best one she ever told me was: "I am a monster." Yes, they are true monsters in all of their various types.

As part of my recovery, I was forced to reckon with with how I failed to heed her blatant warnings.  I have come to the following:

1) She triggered the "rescuer" in me

2) HF BPDs are so good at concealing the condition

3) I could not process the new information as the relationship progressed with the person I thought I knew

Having the three things listed above coupled with my weakness to defend my boundaries properly led to a really good long term teaching experience for me.

In the final cataclysmic event after which I immediately dumped her, she dysregulated so badly that it was really weird observing her behaviors.  She reenaged me one last time to gain back control whereupon she dumped me after having my replacement locked in place.  I don't think I could have simply dumped her as she had to be in control of everything to the Nth degree so it had to end with her, at least thinking, that she dumped me.  Anyway, I thank my replacement profusely for liberating me, and they are currently married by the way.

Ha! Exactly. Every time I tried to end it she hung on. It would blow over, be ok for a while and then I'd want her gone again. The first time this happened was a month after she moved in. She was actually pilferung my things to supply her meth habit. She clung! So I figured she must really love me. I know now that all I was to her was a host organism. A means of survival. I could have been anybody. It wasnt over until she started feeding off of another benefactor. Dumb! Folks... This started off as a one night stand. That's all I really ever wanted from her. A one night stand that lasted almost eight years... Dammit!

[Trick1004]

I loved reading everyone's warnings as mine were so similar if not identical.  Literal clue bats to the head that I glossed over as the real person who was being revealed to me was diametrically opposed to the woman that I had known for so many years prior to the relationship.  She hid it so well over those years that even in retrospect I can only remember a few whiffs of BPD that I can only connect to the disorder due to the knowledge I gained from the board.

The best one she ever told me was: "I am a monster." Yes, they are true monsters in all of their various types.

As part of my recovery, I was forced to reckon with with how I failed to heed her blatant warnings.  I have come to the following:

1) She triggered the "rescuer" in me

2) HF BPDs are so good at concealing the condition

3) I could not process the new information as the relationship progressed with the person I thought I knew

Having the three things listed above coupled with my weakness to defend my boundaries properly led to a really good long term teaching experience for me.

In the final cataclysmic event after which I immediately dumped her, she dysregulated so badly that it was really weird observing her behaviors.  She reenaged me one last time to gain back control whereupon she dumped me after having my replacement locked in place.  I don't think I could have simply dumped her as she had to be in control of everything to the Nth degree so it had to end with her, at least thinking, that she dumped me.  Anyway, I thank my replacement profusely for liberating me, and they are currently married by the way.

Ha! Exactly. Every time I tried to end it she hung on. It would blow over, be ok for a while and then I'd want her gone again. The first time this happened was a month after she moved in. She was actually pilferung my things to supply her meth habit. She clung! So I figured she must really love me. I know now that all I was to her was a host organism. A means of survival. I could have been anybody. It wasnt over until she started feeding off of another benefactor. Dumb! Folks... This started off as a one night stand. That's all I really ever wanted from her. A one night stand that lasted almost eight years... Dammit!

Perf,

Mine started as a one night stand also that I got sucked into for four years. Looking back I feel like an idiot for putting up with the ex so long.

Besides all the red flags I ignored, the clearest warning I got from her happened on her b-day after about a year into the r/s. I’m outside with another guy who at the time was dating her best friend (one of her only friends), the ex said out of nowhere “you guys are a couple of chumps for dating us.”

At that point I hadn’t been completely sucked into her world. I told her “if that’s how you feel, been nice knowing you and good luck” and walked away. I honestly thought it was done then, but she came back the next day apologizing, blaming what she said on the alcohol and couldn’t imagine life without me.

The first time I met her dad he told me “careful, the ex is a wrecking ball going through life.” I thought it was a funny thing for a dad to tell someone in a r/s with his daughter to say.

I was warned but stuck my hand in the fire anyway.

Trick

[lost not dead]

Trick,

       That's kind of funny because a few of my friends who have been married to NPDs had their father in laws say the same kinds of things to them.

      Another irony is with one of my first cousins.  We were raised almost the same and many people including female friends we both know often comment how much our personalitys are alike. The divorce papers from his NPD wife aren't a week old. Mine from my high functioning BPD wife will be done in January. At our family christmas party last night we commented to each other how much we found the others ex interesting and attractive.  I joke we need to blame our mothers and run any potential r/s by each other. You know like sponsors in AA because we seem addicted to this poison.

[babyspook]

Oh wow!  Mine warned me too!  She was 38 when we met.  She had never been married before but had been in several "off and on" relatiosnhips.  About a month into our relationship she says to me "I've always been a runner but I'm not gonna do that anymore".  I took that statement to heart.  I trusted her.  So, 6 recycles later... .

[Turkish]

Oh wow!  Mine warned me too!  She was 38 when we met.  She had never been married before but had been in several "off and on" relatiosnhips.  About a month into our relationship she says to me "I've always been a runner but I'm not gonna do that anymore".  I took that statement to heart.  I trusted her.  So, 6 recycles later... .

Mine wrote in her journal last month, "I'm tired of running... ." Yet she is doing exactly that. In her mind, it will get better "next time." But it won't. Temporary bliss, perhaps, with no depth. But she can't handle depth. She had the bliss once (not with me, it was never blissful), and that guy left her out of the blue, recycled her physically, then left her again. She's attracted to man-boy narcissists, like the current guy. I've been the only anomaly in her adult life. Since she spayed herself, she'll never have to have a real adult r/s with someone ever again, since she got her kids out of me.

[Changingman]

Don't try to fix me!

Then 3 years of begging me to fix her.

FU crazy maker

[Bulgakov]

Lostnotdead

I don't listen to whatever my husband says and sometimes I pretend that I listened and appease his ego to confirm whatever craps he says. Who cares?

You cannot reason with a crazy! Yes and yes mutt

This is where I am at. She can't let me have some peace for more than two days (all I have asked for lately, to level myself out and try to be more positive for her) so screw it. I really don't listen to her anymore. I know that makes things worse, but she doesn't listen to me, doesn't help me, doesn't care about anything I say regarding my interests (she generally interrupts within minutes or less) so who cares. I hate hearing myself talk like this, but I can't wait until she is someone else's problem. I'm keeping a journal, and I will read the hell out of it next time she leaves and tries to come back. It couldn't be soon enough. oh, you want me to "die in a car wreck?" Fine. I don't have to care about someone that thinks this way of me; that hits me when I am down.

[Pearl55]

Borderlines are addicted to CHAOS and DRAMA. I always respected my husband especially he's 12 years older than me but since last year I realised that he doesn't understand respect as he's historionic too! He only needs attention, doesn't matter positive or negative. I tried to be rude to him once and he liked it after that even he made me a cup of tea. What a disaster!

These disordered women LOVE very abusive men. I've been witnessed how my BPD/hpd mother inlaw adores my very abusive cheater NPD father inlaw. Such a waste of years for being so polite!

[GreenMango]

I was warned quite a bit.  It says a lot about me that I didn't listen. 

I took some time to reflect on why I continued forward in the face of some glaring red flags.  Huge learning lesson.  It's not all about the person with BPD in this respect.