This is a recipe for disaster... right?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

To recap my story, I met my former friend last August and became friends with her in January, right when she started dating her boyfriend.  I was soon set up to be his replacement.  Things were going well with him, but then she went on vacation and started flirting with me.  She returned from vacation, and he asked her to move in with him.  Two days later, she had sex with me.  Yes, I know that we were both stupid, but I can't change what happened.  She moved in with him and then quickly wanted to live with me instead, before changing her mind again and deciding to stay with them.  Then, she told me he was selfish and abusive and that she loved me.  So, we looked at a house together (I had already planned on buying one).  A few days later, she decided to stay with him again.  Two weeks later, she tried to commit suicide. 

After her attempt, she was evaluated and diagnosed with BPD.  So, I visited her in the hospital, and we decided once and for all to just be friends.  I decided I could be fine with that.  It helped that he had texted me and kept me updated all day after she was rushed to the ER. 

A week after getting out of the hospital, she discarded me.  I guess it was a combination of BPD, shame over what she had done, anger at something I had said to her, and just general boredom with our friendship (I wasn't a shiny, new toy anymore). 

I kept in contact with her boyfriend, who was helping me get back stuff she had borrowed from me.  At the end of June, he told me he wasn't sure the relationship would work because she was flipping out on him again.  A week later, he stopped replying to me.  Granted, I had reached my boiling point by this time and was mad that she couldn't just send me my stuff, so I let loose and sent him a string of messages about how terrible she is.  Not my finest moment, but that's life.   

A week ago, I got a card from her in the mail, telling me that she and her boyfriend are moving across the country in September and that she hopes to get treatment for her "broken mind."  She also noted that she didn't want me to contact her or her boyfriend.

So, less than two weeks after her boyfriend said that the relationship might not work, he decided to move across the country with her.  They've been dating for six months and living at his place for three months.  Neither one of them has ever even been to the state they're moving to (her parents just moved there).  His dad and twin brother live here, he has a huge group of friends (actual ones, not just Facebook ones), and he has a stable job. 

I do think it might be good for her to go out there and get the help she needs, but this whole moving with him situation seems like a recipe for disaster, right?  I can't be the only one who sees so many things wrong with this, namely the fact that everything revolves around her in all of this.  She has no friends left here, she has no job here, and she's moving out with her parents.  Also, I can't help but think of the time she said to me, "You know how persuasive I can be."  Yes, she seems to want to get better, but she still has BPD, mixed with depression and anxiety, so it's not like she's thinking logically and clearly.   

I can't be the only one who thinks this whole situation is just not good for anyone, other than me, since she'll be 3,000 miles away.

[SummerStorm]

To recap my story, I met my former friend last August and became friends with her in January, right when she started dating her boyfriend.  I was soon set up to be his replacement.  Things were going well with him, but then she went on vacation and started flirting with me.  She returned from vacation, and he asked her to move in with him.  Two days later, she had sex with me.  Yes, I know that we were both stupid, but I can't change what happened.  She moved in with him and then quickly wanted to live with me instead, before changing her mind again and deciding to stay with them.  Then, she told me he was selfish and abusive and that she loved me.  So, we looked at a house together (I had already planned on buying one).  A few days later, she decided to stay with him again.  Two weeks later, she tried to commit suicide. 

After her attempt, she was evaluated and diagnosed with BPD.  So, I visited her in the hospital, and we decided once and for all to just be friends.  I decided I could be fine with that.  It helped that he had texted me and kept me updated all day after she was rushed to the ER. 

A week after getting out of the hospital, she discarded me.  I guess it was a combination of BPD, shame over what she had done, anger at something I had said to her, and just general boredom with our friendship (I wasn't a shiny, new toy anymore). 

I kept in contact with her boyfriend, who was helping me get back stuff she had borrowed from me.  At the end of June, he told me he wasn't sure the relationship would work because she was flipping out on him again.  A week later, he stopped replying to me.  Granted, I had reached my boiling point by this time and was mad that she couldn't just send me my stuff, so I let loose and sent him a string of messages about how terrible she is.  Not my finest moment, but that's life.   

A week ago, I got a card from her in the mail, telling me that she and her boyfriend are moving across the country in September and that she hopes to get treatment for her "broken mind."  She also noted that she didn't want me to contact her or her boyfriend.

So, less than two weeks after her boyfriend said that the relationship might not work, he decided to move across the country with her.  They've been dating for six months and living at his place for three months.  Neither one of them has ever even been to the state they're moving to (her parents just moved there).  His dad and twin brother live here, he has a huge group of friends (actual ones, not just Facebook ones), and he has a stable job. 

I do think it might be good for her to go out there and get the help she needs, but this whole moving with him situation seems like a recipe for disaster, right?  I can't be the only one who sees so many things wrong with this, namely the fact that everything revolves around her in all of this.  She has no friends left here, she has no job here, and she's moving out with her parents.  Also, I can't help but think of the time she said to me, "You know how persuasive I can be."  Yes, she seems to want to get better, but she still has BPD, mixed with depression and anxiety, so it's not like she's thinking logically and clearly.   

I can't be the only one who thinks this whole situation is just not good for anyone, other than me, since she'll be 3,000 miles away.

[fromheeltoheal]

I do think it might be good for her to go out there and get the help she needs, but this whole moving with him situation seems like a recipe for disaster, right?

You never know, she's been diagnosed with BPD now, so maybe the emotional reactions the change of scene might cause and the diagnosis will inspire her to seek long-term treatment and she really does improve and learn how to manage the symptoms of the disorder.  That would be good for everyone and we can only hope.

So what would it mean to you if it is a disaster?  What would it mean if it isn't?

[SummerStorm]

I guess I'm just concerned more about the near future and the fact that she told me a few months ago that she was going to get help and then never did.  Keep in mind that she was cheating on him two months ago.  Also, in her letter, she wrote that she "hopes to get treatment."  I'm trying to remain optimistic, but it's hard because she's very good at downplaying her condition. 

I'm a planner and a logical thinker, so making a rash decision to move across the country with someone I've been dating for six months is just something that seems so crazy to me.  She moves all the time (this will be her sixth move in the past year), so it's something that she's used to.  I don't know.  To me, everything about this seems to be influenced by her BPD thinking, with little thought to whether this move is something he truly wants.  Back in mid-June, he told me they were planning on visiting her parents in August, and he seemed nervous about it because he had never even been on a plane before and because he had only met them once.  Now, they're packing up everything and just moving there.  There is a local place near where they live now that offers DBT, so she has those resources available to her right at home. 

She and her mother also have a tumultuous relationship, and her mother  exhibits some BPD traits, so moving closer to her could also cause large amounts of stress. 

I guess I just keep thinking about the fact that I was basically in his position two months ago.  We met with a Realtor and looked at a house.  My dad even went along.  At one point, I told her that I would give up my dream of buying a house and rent an apartment, if it meant it would make her happy.  I see her boyfriend as being the male version of me, willing to give up everything we've ever wanted because we think it might make her happy.  Having said that, he is also the one who got her started on abusing marijuana a few months ago, and he didn't research BPD at all when she was diagnosed with it.  He's also an idealist, which can be good in some situations, but I worry that it's clouding his judgement.  When she got out of the hospital, he was convinced that she was cured and that she was back to being the same girl he met back in January.  Right after they decided to move, he posted on Facebook about how she's wife material.  It just seems like he may end up triggering her engulfment fears. 

If I had never communicated with him, I really wouldn't care.  But I just see a lot of myself in him and would hate to see him move out there with her and then not have it work out.  If they had been together longer or were engaged and if their relationship was a bit more stable, sure, but everything just seems to be moving very quickly. 

If it is a disaster, I would be disappointed in her because it would just prove to me that she's continuing her path of destruction and that she isn't committed to getting better.  We were friends longer than we were anything else, and she told me that I'm a major factor in her desire to get better, so if this is a disaster, it would make me feel like I wasn't really that important to her. 

If it isn't a disaster, it would mean that I'm a psychic and should quit my job and make a lot of money telling people their future.  Back in April, I had a dream.  In it, my former friend moved in with her boyfriend  , stopped talking to me , and married her boyfriend.  So, if that last one happens, you heard it here first.  I can see all!        

Seriously though, if it isn't a disaster and she eventually does recover, what will upset me the most is that I will never get to know the "real" her.  I saw glimpses of her, and I really liked her and got along with her.  We are both teachers, and when we were friends, I had always hoped that we would eventually get to work together at the same school again.  It will also upset me because I came so close to actually seeing her get better.  Again, she told me that I'm a major reason why she wants to get help, but she won't even talk to me anymore, so I feel like I'm a villain more than anything. 

If the relationship doesn't work out (sometimes, people just drift apart) but she does eventually learn to manage her symptoms, I will really be upset because I never actually got have a real relationship with her and never will. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Summer-

To me a borderline is like an alcoholic; if it's working there's no reason to fix it, and hitting bottom is the only way to become humble enough and teachable enough to maybe look for other ways, which is why I thought the move would shake things up enough.  My ex lived in continual chaos, and it sounds like yours does too, so amping up that chaos enough to really make an impact and cause an a-ha moment would really take something extreme, but it takes what it takes.  If the guy is in the idealization stage with her we know what that feels like, how everything will be awesome forever, and if he's smoking pot a lot too, there might be a major wake-up call on his horizon, hope not, but past behavior is the best predictor of future events.

You did know the 'real' her.  The disorder starts so early in development that it's hardwired into her personality, there is no other her there, just different emotions and whether they're regulated or not.

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if you were supposed to meet her when you did, there's a benefit in there that you maybe can't see yet, could be as simple as the growth you're inspired to do now as a result of the emotions you're experiencing that brought you to this site, will cause a different version of you to show up in the world, and that you will meet someone at wherever they are in their journey, because you were supposed to, and you'll embark on the best relationship you've ever had.  Could be me dreaming, or it could be an area of focus and an expectation for you, and certainly something to look forward to!  Take care of you!

[Invictus01]

Whether it is a disaster or not... .You really can't do too much about it, right? In the end, you can't save the world. You can only save you. Walk away from all of this, save yourself.

[SummerStorm]

If the guy is in the idealization stage with her we know what that feels like, how everything will be awesome forever, and if he's smoking pot a lot too, there might be a major wake-up call on his horizon, hope not, but past behavior is the best predictor of future events.

I think he's in idealization x 1,000 right now.  He called the ambulance when she tried to commit suicide, so she refers to him as "the reason I'm alive and the reason I'll keep fighting to stay alive."  I mean, I get it, but at the same time, this isn't the first time she's made grandiose statements about someone.  She has been prancing around "playing wife," cleaning the house and making him breakfast in bed, but she doesn't have a job, and she hasn't been helping with the rent or bills. 

So, I guess what worries me is that this decision was made during the idealization stage, for both of them.  She's so focused on him that she's abandoned friendships and looking for a job, and he's so entranced by her that he seems to have forgotten that she was hitting him and raging on him not that long ago. 

I think, more than anything, the whole situation just boggles my mind.  Again, I was in his position not that long ago, but now that I have researched BPD and the FOG has been lifted, I realize how stupid I would have been if I had moved in with her, and that was when I had known her longer than he's known her now and had no idea that she has BPD. 

If I had a NonBPD friend who randomly decided to move across the country with his/her boyfriend/girlfriend after only dating for six months, I would question it. 

The whole situation is just sad because she graduated from college less than a year ago and is certified to teach in this state.  She isn't going to be able to get a teaching job right away in her new state, and after you've been out of it for a few years, it's hard to get a job.  Plus, she never bothered to get a recommendation letter from the principal at the school where we worked together.  So basically, she's also throwing away a career she spent four years in college studying for.  She's unorganized and calls off work too often, but she's actually a really good teacher, and the students respect her.

[fromheeltoheal]

So you sound pretty grounded now Summer.  I notice you've been around here about a month and haven't spoken to her in a couple; do you consider yourself detached or is there still stuff going on, except of course the bewilderment around current events with her?

[SummerStorm]

So you sound pretty grounded now Summer.  I notice you've been around here about a month and haven't spoken to her in a couple; do you consider yourself detached or is there still stuff going on, except of course the bewilderment around current events with her?

She sent me a card last week and sent back things she borrowed from me.  That's how I learned about her moving.  Nice to keep me informed, but it also felt like a slap in the face and also like she was saying, "Look at how well things are going for me." We exchanged  a few texts, and then she stopped replying, so I left it at that.  She's spread awful lies about other people, but I do think she actually respects me and trusts me, so she hasn't blocked me.  Her Facebook has always been private, and I never go on there anyway.  She did make her Twitter private, unfollowed me,  and then actually started tweeting regularly, so that hurt.  When she made it in May, she asked me for my username and told me I'm the only person she knows who has Twitter.  She has seven followers, and I know none of them are people she knows, just companies and things of that nature, so she's tweeting to no one, basically.  It's very childish, really.

I still struggle with some things.  I hate that the friendship ended.  We both made mistakes.  I knew she was in a relationship and should have stopped things before they started.  She never should have tried to start things.  The problem is that I've taken responsibility for my actions and have told her as much, but she never has.  She sees me as the person who almost made her lose her boyfriend.  I know that's projection, but it would be nice to hear her say that she messed up.  I tried to get her to say it the last time I saw her, but she just told me to leave.

I know ignorance is supposed to be bliss, but there is so much her boyfriend doesn't know.  Yes, the past is the past, but I don't think he knows what she's capable of.  That's what's scary.  She's raged at him, but he thought it was all because she was smoking pot at the time.  And she was smoking 3-4 times a day, but he obviously has no problem with pot, so he doesn't realize that she has a substance abuse problem.  He doesn't know she cheated on him.  He doesn't know she lied about him hitting her and then sent me pictures of her lip, which she said he split open.  He doesn't know that she looked at a house with me.  She's very good at living a double life.

There will be more people to watch over her where they are moving, but that could also trigger her fears of engulfment, having everyone checking up on her all the time.  That's one reason why she stopped living at home in the first place.

[SummerStorm]

I guess what doesn't sit right with me still is that she is still doing what she's always done, moving quickly, idealizing, isolating. 

First, she told him to stop texting me but wouldn't give him a reason why.  90% of our communication was about me getting my stuff back from her, so it wasn't threatening to her at all.  I'm sure she saw it that way, though.  She used to get jealous of my co-workers and my parents and would isolate them from me. Now, she's moving him away from everyone he knows.  When she attempted suicide, he hid it from everyone.  I doubt his dad even knows that there are issues, and she doesn't know his friends well enough to have shown her true colors to them, so he has no one around to tell him that maybe this isn't a wise decision.

Then, after he mentioned to her one more time about sending my things, it's like she went into full fear of abandonment mode, told him again to stop contacting me, and asked him to move across the country.  Since her parents just moved out there, I'm sure she's also feeling abandoned by them.

She just recently started going to a local therapist, and like I said, DBT is available near her, so a sudden move just seems too impulsive.

It's almost like she mentioned marriage to him, he said they should wait, her fear of abandonment kicked in, and she thought, "What other committment can I get from him?  Oh, yes.  I can ask him to move across the country."

I just would have liked to have seen this happy a year or two from now.  Everything always has to be "right now" with her, and that's what has always gotten her in trouble.

I saw what happened the last time this all cycled around, and I guess the adult, logical part of me just thinks, "What happens when fear of engulfment kicks in?  She is now going to have multiple people to rage at and push away." Her mother seems to want to live in a world where everything is lovely (only visited her in the ER for an hour, never visited her in the behavioral care unit, flew back home right after her visit, wants her to visit but tells her never to visit again when things didn't go well, etc. and there have been times when they were NC for months. 

I hope everything does work out, but I also know her, and I know how she can be. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it's to be expected that someone who's 22 and has a personality disorder is going to be pretty impulsive and flighty.  And really, she went back to him and now she's leaving with him, when not long ago you had hopes and dreams together, your head and your heart were all-in, and that hurts.  Correct me if I'm wrong.  It's fresh, but can you see a future for you Summer?  Our exes can dominate our focus for a while after the relationship ends, and it's helpful to envision a bright future in the midst of all that, something to aim for anyway, can you go there in your head a little bit?

[SummerStorm]

Yes, it's to be expected that someone who's 22 and has a personality disorder is going to be pretty impulsive and flighty.  And really, she went back to him and now she's leaving with him, when not long ago you had hopes and dreams together, your head and your heart were all-in, and that hurts.  Correct me if I'm wrong.  It's fresh, but can you see a future for you Summer?  Our exes can dominate our focus for a while after the relationship ends, and it's helpful to envision a bright future in the midst of all that, something to aim for anyway, can you go there in your head a little bit?

Oh, I'm doing fine.  I'm in the process of buying a house, and I go back to work in a few weeks.  I went for a hike today and found a few kids who helped me find frogs and turtles in a pond.  And again, I'm lucky because we were never officially a couple and were only romantically involved for a few weeks.  I knew her for nine months.  Also, I only ever experienced her rage and devaluing at the end, and that was only ever in text message form.  She did a lot of things to hurt me, but she's done a lot worse to other people.  The really awful stuff came after we started sleeping together, of course.  Right now, I just miss texting her funny/interesting stuff.  Some idiot rear-ended me while we were sitting completely still at a stop light the other day, and that's something I normally would have texted her about right away.  And I recently bought some Harry Potter and Doctor Who things (two things we had in common that had nothing to do with mirroring) and wished I could have sent her a picture of them.  Right now, my hope is that she will get treatment, learn how to manage her BPD, and contact me in a few years, to at least let me know how she's doing.  She told me I'm a major reason why she wants to get help, so it would give me peace of mind to eventually know that she actually got it and isn't still hurting people.

They're going to do what they're going to do.  I just think this sounds like the most ridiculous thing for them to do, at least right now.  I do have a bit of background on what was going on, since I did talk to him, and as of mid-June, he had absolutely no plan of moving anytime soon. 

I think what bothers me the most is that I started researching BPD the second she told me she was diagnosed and have been researching it ever since, so I'm looking at this from a logical perspective, whereas he was given this new information and seems to be doing nothing with it.  They are just stuck in the same cycle they were in before.  If she and I were still friends, my entire approach to her would be different, and I would establish boundaries.  She persuaded him to let her move in with him three months ago, after he had turned her down multiple times, and now she's persuaded him to move across the country. 

I'm looking at this from the POV of a teacher.  Believe me, teenagers make some of the most stupidly impulsive decisions ever, so it's in my nature to help people see all sides of a situation and make the best decision.  It's like when students are taught a skill and then, when they take a test, decide to not put that skill to use, causing them to not do well on the test.

I think what I'm feeling like is that I'm stuck in a room with a bunch of people.  We've all been hurt by random booby traps that were placed in the room, but we have all been given information on how to survive and manage being in the room--not how to get out, but how to survive and manage--and I'm the only one using that information.  Everyone else just keeps getting hurt by booby traps.   

[rotiroti]

I've been following your story Summer --

I think if she does get better that would be awesome! Because you were an essential catalyst to her getting better.

BPD or not, if you're meant to meet the person again it almost always happens

[SummerStorm]

I've been following your story Summer --

I think if she does get better that would be awesome! Because you were an essential catalyst to her getting better.

BPD or not, if you're meant to meet the person again it almost always happens

Yes, I would love to see her get better.  Again, this situation just seems so illogical. 

It's not the moving I have a problem with or even moving with him (he's an adult and makes his own choices, so this is his problem to deal with), it's the fact that they are both moving to a state they've never even been to, 3,000 miles away. 

Literally, the first time either one of them will have set foot in that state is the day they move there.  Yes, her parents are there, but this is taking a huge gamble.  I don't know anyone who has ever moved somewhere they've never been to, .  Neither one of them will have a job when they get there; he's been working nonstop recently and is trying to sell one of his guitars, trying to save up money.  It all just screams lack of planning, lack of budgeting, lack of common sense.