Using spiritual language, psychological jargon to rationalize behavior

[Spacedog]

Is it common for those with BPD to use spiritual language or psychological terms to rationalize/justify their dysfunctional behavior? My pwBPD is very intelligent and well educated(undergraduate degree in psychology, doctorate in unrelated field), but it's like she doesn't really understand the words she uses sometimes. Intellectually, yes... . in an abstract sort of way... . but there's some kind of disconnect... . like certain words have a different meaning to her, if that makes sense. A few recent examples:  detaching with love.  She was raging at me and hurling false accusations and I told her that I needed a few minutes to calm down because I was upset and didn't want to lose my temper and say something out of anger that I didn't really mean. She says, "If you don't call me back right now, I'll have no other choice but to detach with love." In other words, she's threatening to punish me by withdrawing if I don't give in to her demand. She's giving me the silent treatment (again) now. She told me that she had to "detach" and "disengage" because she now realizes that I am a psychopath who has no soul... . who appears good, but is actually dead on the inside. She feels her behavior is healthy. I foolishly tried to explain to her the difference between detaching and numbing, disengagement and dissociation. One time she told me that she was disgusted by my "neediness". I asked her to clarify(because I'm not a needy person), and she said, "It's your need to show me kindness". That's how I was "needy".

Anybody else notice behavior like this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OnceConfused]

this seems to be a very common behavior. THeir logic is very weird and is based on their fear of abandonment.

I can remember the xBPDgf would remember things that I had said weeks ago, and then jumped on it to attack me to say that I was a bad person. Well, that is their strategy of putting their SOs down so that we can become the door mat. WHo in the world would continue to live with someone who constantly put them down, instead of lifting them up?

My xBPDgf would twist things or facts in such a way that was so bizarre. My xBPDgf is also well educated with a doctorate in Pharmacy. At first like you I tried to defend myself via conversation but that only lead to her giving me more silent treatments. In the xBPDgf's mind, nothing I said would change her inner feelings and her inner struggle with the fear of abandonment. I was already guilty before I opened my mouth.

Personally, I am so glad that I don't live in that environment any more. I don't have to defend myself constantly in my own home. 9 months with that kind of craziness was more than the suffering I had had from losing my 1st wife to an accident. With my first wife's death I can see the end to my suffering with time, but with BPD, I could not see the end. The only escape is the day I die. That was why I left.

I think the best strategy for you is to ":)ETACH WITH LOVE". THis means you don't listen to her words any more, you said "uh uh" to whatever she says, and try not to defend or say something, this way she will have nothing to attack to you with. You become the invisible Husband (how can one punch the air? You cannot).

[thicker skin]

Frequently, though he doesn't use the terminology correctly, in my humble opinion.

Projection for my SO is me repeating back to him his hurtful words. If I need to discuss any verbal or physical abuse, I am being histrionic and stuck in the past... . This morning or a couple of days ago, is old ground not to be gone over.

My normal life and relationship needs are my narcissistic needs, so we can safely discount them.

It sounds to me like she's been googling psychiatric conditions. I don't have a crystal ball, but that's my hunch, having walked the walk for as long as I have.

When you find yourself filtering your needs, thoughts and feelings to avoid her psycho babble, check yourself in. I'll see you there. I'll be sat rocking in the corner with a cake 

[formflier]

Luckily for me... I don't face the fancy words.  But the intent of the communication is the same.

The do this or else... . is a horrible thing to have in a relationship.  It totally discounts that different people get to conclusions at different speeds.

Hang in there... . I recommend really getting your head around not arguing... . and stick with that.  Will be much better.

Is it common for those with BPD to use spiritual language or psychological terms to rationalize/justify their dysfunctional behavior? My pwBPD is very intelligent and well educated(undergraduate degree in psychology, doctorate in unrelated field), but it's like she doesn't really understand the words she uses sometimes. Intellectually, yes... . in an abstract sort of way... . but there's some kind of disconnect... . like certain words have a different meaning to her, if that makes sense. A few recent examples:  detaching with love.  She was raging at me and hurling false accusations and I told her that I needed a few minutes to calm down because I was upset and didn't want to lose my temper and say something out of anger that I didn't really mean. She says, "If you don't call me back right now, I'll have no other choice but to detach with love." In other words, she's threatening to punish me by withdrawing if I don't give in to her demand. She's giving me the silent treatment (again) now. She told me that she had to "detach" and "disengage" because she now realizes that I am a psychopath who has no soul... . who appears good, but is actually dead on the inside. She feels her behavior is healthy. I foolishly tried to explain to her the difference between detaching and numbing, disengagement and dissociation. One time she told me that she was disgusted by my "neediness". I asked her to clarify(because I'm not a needy person), and she said, "It's your need to show me kindness". That's how I was "needy".

Anybody else notice behavior like this?

[Spacedog]

Frequently, though he doesn't use the terminology correctly, in my humble opinion.

Projection for my SO is me repeating back to him his hurtful words. If I need to discuss any verbal or physical abuse, I am being histrionic and stuck in the past... . This morning or a couple of days ago, is old ground not to be gone over.

My normal life and relationship needs are my narcissistic needs, so we can safely discount them.

It sounds to me like she's been googling psychiatric conditions. I don't have a crystal ball, but that's my hunch, having walked the walk for as long as I have.

When you find yourself filtering your needs, thoughts and feelings to avoid her psycho babble, check yourself in. I'll see you there. I'll be sat rocking in the corner with a cake 

I think she's been googling mental disorders, too. She's accused me of having BPD a few times. I told her that I did not and would provide her with a signed letter from my psychiatrist of 8 years stating my official diagnosis of ADD and anxiety, not BPD or psychopathy. And yeah, I realize how ridiculous and pointless it is to even make that offer. I also told her that having BPD was nothing to be ashamed of... . because i think she suspects that she has it. For what it's worth, the reason she thinks I'm a psychopath is because one of the features of psychopathy is using charm to seduce women... . because she says that's what I did- I seduced her... . and she can't be around me because she can't resist my seduction efforts.

[Spacedog]

I know I've made things worse by arguing. She has been a bully since childhood. She told me that in elementary school she used to single out a student and enlist the help of other students in giving the chosen target the silent treatment. Passive aggressive bullying is the worst kind of bullying. I thought I was doing the right thing by standing up for myself and defending myself, but I won't make that mistake again. If she wants to stonewall, that's fine. I'll give my time and attention to people who appreciate it.

Luckily for me... I don't face the fancy words.  But the intent of the communication is the same.

The do this or else... . is a horrible thing to have in a relationship.  It totally discounts that different people get to conclusions at different speeds.

Hang in there... . I recommend really getting your head around not arguing... . and stick with that.  Will be much better.

Is it common for those with BPD to use spiritual language or psychological terms to rationalize/justify their dysfunctional behavior? My pwBPD is very intelligent and well educated(undergraduate degree in psychology, doctorate in unrelated field), but it's like she doesn't really understand the words she uses sometimes. Intellectually, yes... . in an abstract sort of way... . but there's some kind of disconnect... . like certain words have a different meaning to her, if that makes sense. A few recent examples:  detaching with love.  She was raging at me and hurling false accusations and I told her that I needed a few minutes to calm down because I was upset and didn't want to lose my temper and say something out of anger that I didn't really mean. She says, "If you don't call me back right now, I'll have no other choice but to detach with love." In other words, she's threatening to punish me by withdrawing if I don't give in to her demand. She's giving me the silent treatment (again) now. She told me that she had to "detach" and "disengage" because she now realizes that I am a psychopath who has no soul... . who appears good, but is actually dead on the inside. She feels her behavior is healthy. I foolishly tried to explain to her the difference between detaching and numbing, disengagement and dissociation. One time she told me that she was disgusted by my "neediness". I asked her to clarify(because I'm not a needy person), and she said, "It's your need to show me kindness". That's how I was "needy".

Anybody else notice behavior like this?

[letmeout]

I could take the arguments and raging from my BPD spouse better than the ultimatums and projection; I felt the later type of mental abuse was worse.

[Spacedog]

I could take the arguments and raging from my BPD spouse better than the ultimatums and projection; I felt the later type of mental abuse was worse.

I agree. It's very abusive and it allows them to abuse while getting to play the part of the victim... . a role they seem to feel comfortable with and/or perpetually stuck in. It's amazing how the things she projects onto me are the EXACT things she's told me she struggles with- her self hatred becomes hate and contempt for me; she feels unworthy so she says that I am a worthless waste of human life; she thinks about hurting herself, then she says she's using her "powers" to cause my death; she says she feels hollow inside, she says that I am dead inside and have no soul.