and of course she drank to black out and doesn't recall what happened... .
AustenJ I am afraid I know exactly what you are talking about. My undiagnosed BPD fiancé likely did the same thing to me. I was out of country for one week, we had committed to each other at this point, however we were not yet engaged. She went on a date with a mutual friend of ours -she said I am going out with xxx, but wrote his name in Chinese characters, rather than PinYin. We had always used PinYin for his name, since I don't read Chinese. --Well of the few characters I know his name falls into that group.
When I asked why she was going to dinner with him she said, oh he is a friend. To make a boring and predictable story shorter... .She got drunk and spent the night with him. She later claimed nothing happened, then claimed she drank too much and didn't remember. However, I knew from previous conversations she never forgets what happens when she is drinking. In other words she way lying to me and the lie shifted from time to time. For someone who lies often, she was not particularly good at it... . I lie easily and well -I simply choose not to... .
I am writing this message as a response to yours as much as I am writing it to remind myself of how God damn much that hurts. We see the inner beauty in these people, they are not simply a condition, but a fellow human being --too often we write BPD, where we really mean the man or woman we used to love. I loved, learned from and laughed with the beautiful part of her, I cried, had sleepless nights and ultimately broke down from the darkest parts of her.
It tears me up inside knowing the beautiful part of her and seeing her be used -because her pain and emptiness drives her to it. The 'if only' thoughts are hard to overcome. Reading posts like yours help me remember. Remember I would have moved to her country, bought her a house, perhaps had a child only to have my entire world come crashing down when she left me.
My ex fiancé knew her propensity, but is unaware of her 'condition' -she was misdiagnoses schizophrenic / bipolar. While we were together she gave up drinking. I told her 'When you drink you forget about us' -at first she got good and mad. She was excellently good at rage, but after a few moments she agreed and we were dry for 7 months. We didn't need to drink we were high enough on each other.
She asked if she could work as my assistant and interpreter -I now believe because she knew if we were apart she could not stay true to us. The idea of us always being together in and out of work sounded like heaven, but I know now it would not have lasted. From what I have read our closeness and my love for her would have started a cycle of abuse and self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment would have come to pass. (see? I need to keep reminding myself)
I am sorry you work in close proximity to your ex -it must be truly horrible watching this slow motion train wreck day by day. I have the luxury of the Pacific Ocean as a buffer -but now every time I see the ocean I think of her.
Your strength is an inspiration -you are able to live and let live. Even knowing it is the wrong thing to do, I fight daily with the instinct to reach out to her best friend and share what I have learned about BPD -to try to save her again.
Wicker Man
