Not sure where to begin

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I'm a 45 yr old male.  My wife is also 45.  She had 2 boys when we met from a previous marriage.  I adopted them when they we around the age of six.  We also have 2 girls together that are my life.  I so want to protect them.  Looking back there have been many red flags that should have sent me running.  But because of my own issues I felt at home with her because she "needed me to save her".  I have spent countless hours dissecting myself, learning, grieving, and doing my very best to understand myself, my past, and improve.  Sometimes I am a success and other times I am completely exhausted and unable to find the energy.  I have been married for 20 yrs now.  Our road has been long and very challenging.  I truly love this woman I married.  I only want to have a good life with her but things are so unpredictable.  I have such anxiety.  Especially when I see when things are starting to go south.  I'm not sure what I am really looking for here.  Lately I just feel completely broken.  I question my own sanity and self worth.  I guess I am here to learn to be better.  I was searching online trying to find help. (knowledge)  I realized a long time ago that I can only control myself and nothing else.  I have read a lot of self help books, marriage improvement books, etc.  I was again at the end of my rope and looking for inspiration.  I often feel alone.  No one knows the true depths of our relationship and I have no one to talk to.  I take out my aggression and frustration in my home gym.  While looking for help for myself I stumbled upon a site listing the symptoms of BPD.  It was a jaw dropping experience.  It described much of my wife's behavior very accurately.  It gave me hope.  So now my mission is to learn about BPD and better ways to understand myself, my triggers, and offer productive, positive reactions.  I really want to be the best for my wife.  She is a truly good person.  I also know that she can be very destructive and inflict serious, lasting emotional pain.  I have seen her at her best and her worst.  I love her.  I want to help her be her best person possible and along the way I too will accomplish my best person.  I could write a novel here but I won't. 

Thanks for reading... .have a great day

[Lastbreath]

Hi,

I'm a 45 yr old male.  My wife is also 45.  She had 2 boys when we met from a previous marriage.  I adopted them when they we around the age of six.  We also have 2 girls together that are my life.  I so want to protect them.  Looking back there have been many red flags that should have sent me running.  But because of my own issues I felt at home with her because she "needed me to save her".  I have spent countless hours dissecting myself, learning, grieving, and doing my very best to understand myself, my past, and improve.  Sometimes I am a success and other times I am completely exhausted and unable to find the energy.  I have been married for 20 yrs now.  Our road has been long and very challenging.  I truly love this woman I married.  I only want to have a good life with her but things are so unpredictable.  I have such anxiety.  Especially when I see when things are starting to go south.  I'm not sure what I am really looking for here.  Lately I just feel completely broken.  I question my own sanity and self worth.  I guess I am here to learn to be better.  I was searching online trying to find help. (knowledge)  I realized a long time ago that I can only control myself and nothing else.  I have read a lot of self help books, marriage improvement books, etc.  I was again at the end of my rope and looking for inspiration.  I often feel alone.  No one knows the true depths of our relationship and I have no one to talk to.  I take out my aggression and frustration in my home gym.  While looking for help for myself I stumbled upon a site listing the symptoms of BPD.  It was a jaw dropping experience.  It described much of my wife's behavior very accurately.  It gave me hope.  So now my mission is to learn about BPD and better ways to understand myself, my triggers, and offer productive, positive reactions.  I really want to be the best for my wife.  She is a truly good person.  I also know that she can be very destructive and inflict serious, lasting emotional pain.  I have seen her at her best and her worst.  I love her.  I want to help her be her best person possible and along the way I too will accomplish my best person.  I could write a novel here but I won't. 

Thanks for reading... .have a great day

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome to the boards, Lastbreath! 

20 years is a long time to be married to a BPD, so kudos to you for surviving that long.  I've been married to my uBPDw for almost 18 years now, and I can definitely relate to that feeling of anxiety when I see that things are starting to go south.  A good place to start would be the link to "The Lessons" on the right side of this page.

Are there any particular issues you are working on right now with your wife or yourself?

[vortex of confusion]

I want to join Wrongturn1 in welcoming you to the forums!

I have been with my husband for 17 years. It has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster ride.

I know I can relate to your feelings of loneliness as can many people here. It is so difficult to explain the craziness to somebody on the outside.

I look forward to seeing more of your posts. This place is a great place to get support, get advice, rant, and not feel so alone.

[Lastbreath]

WrongTurn1, Vortex of confusion,

Thank you for your kind words.  I have found this site to be a wealth of knowledge.  I am very thankful that I have found this resource.  I've been on my laptop most of the day reading and interacting.  It is very nice to feel I now have direction.  This has given me new life.  I've always tried very hard in the past.  I am a patient, compassionate, kind, loving father, husband, and friend but I have been running low on patience lately.  I find I'm completely drained.  I have no tolerance outside of my family.  I mean I feel victimized, and vilified so much at home.  So now I find myself getting unusually mad at other drivers on the road, and what not.  I feel I have taken all I can take at home and will not allow another person to run me over. I've been so tired being lost in a sea of hopelessness and despair.  I struggle to find new strength but somehow I am still here.  I place an enormous value on your support and having a perspective that allows you to know what it is I live with.  I am a large, muscular man.  It's a side effect of living with my wife.  I pound my weights when I'm frustrated.  It's how I cope.  So being a larger man has made it easier to target me as the issue.  People believe I am abusive just on looks alone.  They do not know me.  This ads to the frustration.  My youngest daughter always introduces me to her friends: "This is my dad.  He looks scary but he's a big teddy bear."  One thing I need to get under control is typing a book in every response.  It's easy to get lost in a rant.  Sorry

[vortex of confusion]

One thing I need to get under control is typing a book in every response.  It's easy to get lost in a rant.  Sorry

Don't apologize!  I am horrible about writing novels in posts. It is soo easy to do, especially when you find this place where you can share and actually have people that understand what it is that you are describing.

Even if you didn't look the way you do, there is a great likelihood that you would be made out to be the bad guy. It seems that pwBPD are great at making you look like the bad guy. My husband hasn't done it directly but for some reason, I usually walk away feeling like I am the bad guy or that I did something wrong.

[Lastbreath]

Thank you Vortex!

I have found myself weeping several times today reading posts and realizing that I am not a bad person.  I mean I always knew I was not a bad person.  It's just extremely difficult to be made to feel like you are.  I have been told many times by my BPDw that my parents didn't love me or want me.  She yells at me "you're a piece of sh** just like your father".  Often these hurtful rants happen on significant dates.  So I now get anxious when my birthday or our anniversary is approaching because thus is when she has said some of the most hurtful things a person could ever hear.  It usually follows the same pattern.  She starts out overly nice, complementary, and very sweet giving me an itemized list of all the things I'm great at and that she appreciates.  But I have learned to be very on guard when this occurs.  For I know I am indeed about to weather a serious storm.  The switch flips.  Now I am a terrible, horrible person.  She lists many things wrong with me and every aspect that could be remotely attached to me.  The yelling, cursing insults are becoming too much.  I am glad I now have a better understanding.  It helps me detach from the hurt.  I'll do my best to improve my behavior contributing to our short falls and help her find a life she can enjoy.  (If that exists.)

[vortex of confusion]

I'll do my best to improve my behavior contributing to our short falls and help her find a life she can enjoy.  (If that exists.)

Step away from the notion of helping her have a life that she can enjoy. Stop worrying about her so much and start thinking more about you. What about you? What about having a life that YOU can enjoy? How do YOU feel? What do YOU think? What do YOU want?

Sure, it is okay to try to stop the madness but don't do it to make her happy. Do it because you want to be happy and because you want to thrive rather than survive one day, sometimes one moment at a time.

It is NEVER okay for the person that you are in a relationship with to cuss at you and call you names. If your partner is doing that, then you need to set boundaries. If she starts going off like that, walk away. It might make things even worse for a while. It is a multi-step process.

For me, the first thing I did was to stop engaging and start looking for patterns. You have already identified some of them. If you know that she is going to get goofy around birthdays and anniversaries, then you know not to take anything that she says or does at those times personally. It is easier said than done that is for sure. Like I was told when I got here, it is all about finding the predictable in that which is unpredictable.

[Stalwart]

Hey Lastbreath:

Welcome, you’ve found a really great place here and like so many I’ve lived where you are and there are so many others that went through years not understanding.

There’s a real revelation to discovering ‘what is wrong’’. People react differently when they find out but I can tell you one thing for certain; I don’t think anyone has introduced themselves with a better or more positive direction and conviction to it.

By the way again, don’t apologize for the length of your post. I’m a novelist.

Is your wife aware of her difficulties and does she take any type of medication to help with her anxiety?

Learning is everything and some times that difficult if your spouse doesn’t have an awareness and probably isn’t a good idea to introduce it to her until you’re a lot more aware of all of the aspects of her illness. Right now it’s really about you learning for you.

I’m one of the success stories who went from Dante’s Inferno and now live a really good and wholesome life with my wife who is diagnosed and for to her credit is in therapy. I can tell you this for myself and my experience, out of the worst of situations sometimes really positive things can come from it. I can definitely say by learning I’ve really grown and by changing myself with better understanding of what I’m dealing with and really knowing empathy for the situation has so changed the entire dynamics of our relationship. Changing yourself is the key to changing your relationship. The lessons are great.

There is some great literature out there and I think I’ve read them all and gone beyond to clinical research. A really good book is Loving Someone With Borderline Personality by Shari Y Manning. A lot of people also head for Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Manson and Randi Kreger.

You’ve got such a great attitude and resolve. Great compass man. You also sound like a great father and husband. You will see positive things as you move forward with more awareness and acceptance of your wife’s disorder and your own strengths and abilities. Small steps and seeing small hopes are everything to finding your way to making your situation better and I can’t think of anyone better suited to take on that challenge. You’ve got the attitude and want my friend – great for you.