How sadly ironic

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday in MC BPDh brought up the idea, and T agreed that I should get my son in therapy. I've had him in therapy before, and he complied just long enough to stop going. My son is 16, and the only issue he has is rudeness and disrespect towards me. Period. I hate it, and I've tried lots of things, but he's one of those kids who is super, super strong willed, and punishments, and the normal things don't seem to work. He has a slight anger issue, but was too scared of BPDh to ever let loose with it(BPDh has scary anger issues).

BPDh now says he didn't beg me to move with him(he actually hounded me), and in T yesterday he said that my son will "never change". How dare he? After all I've been through with his FOUR PD adult kids? I think everyone can change if they want to, and WE are back together because I radically accepted him! He's is DBT and doing better, so where is this negativity coming from? He hates my son. He acts like it's totally up to him if/when my son is allowed to live with us again. BPDh moved us away deliberately, and my daughter acts as bad or worse, but that is okay because she's cute? Being a mean, manipulate 19 year old isn't cute to me.

Both my kids have disrespect issues, and what they could have used was a calm, encouraging step Dad, not one with raging anger and BPD. My BPDh wants to project all this onto my son, when his acted the same as the same age, and BPDh acts that was NOW. He says I make excuses for my son, yet everyone around me tells me I do not, that I fully acknowledge what an issue my son's disrespect is. Is this just projection on BPDh's part?

Is he projecting his own feelings and anger on us because three of his own four want nothing to do with him, and call him toxic? Did he make me choose, to feed his own ego? Did he move me away from my son out of jealousy?

He keeps saying it's his opinion and he's allowed it. Well, heck, he sure never allowed ME any opinions, he'd outright tell me to keep them to myself, and to shut up. He's stopped doing that, but now he acts like I won't let him have an opinion? He can have it all he wants, but I think he shouldn't have said it. It was negative, and I think people can change if they want to. All I said was that it was a negative way to think. I didn't say he wasn't entitled to his opinion. I sometimes think he takes what he learned in DBT and then acts like HE'S been the victim of all he's been doing to ME.

Frankly, my son is better off away from BPDh because BPDh has chosen to target my son, and his DBT clearly is not being used in this situation. If I'd ever had this reaction towards his kids, he'd have hit the fan. Therapy could be beneficial for my son, and I'm all for that, but talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yesterday in MC BPDh brought up the idea, and T agreed that I should get my son in therapy. I've had him in therapy before, and he complied just long enough to stop going. My son is 16, and the only issue he has is rudeness and disrespect towards me. Period. I hate it, and I've tried lots of things, but he's one of those kids who is super, super strong willed, and punishments, and the normal things don't seem to work. He has a slight anger issue, but was too scared of BPDh to ever let loose with it(BPDh has scary anger issues).

BPDh now says he didn't beg me to move with him(he actually hounded me), and in T yesterday he said that my son will "never change". How dare he? After all I've been through with his FOUR PD adult kids? I think everyone can change if they want to, and WE are back together because I radically accepted him! He's is DBT and doing better, so where is this negativity coming from? He hates my son. He acts like it's totally up to him if/when my son is allowed to live with us again. BPDh moved us away deliberately, and my daughter acts as bad or worse, but that is okay because she's cute? Being a mean, manipulate 19 year old isn't cute to me.

Both my kids have disrespect issues, and what they could have used was a calm, encouraging step Dad, not one with raging anger and BPD. My BPDh wants to project all this onto my son, when his acted the same as the same age, and BPDh acts that was NOW. He says I make excuses for my son, yet everyone around me tells me I do not, that I fully acknowledge what an issue my son's disrespect is. Is this just projection on BPDh's part?

Is he projecting his own feelings and anger on us because three of his own four want nothing to do with him, and call him toxic? Did he make me choose, to feed his own ego? Did he move me away from my son out of jealousy?

He keeps saying it's his opinion and he's allowed it. Well, heck, he sure never allowed ME any opinions, he'd outright tell me to keep them to myself, and to shut up. He's stopped doing that, but now he acts like I won't let him have an opinion? He can have it all he wants, but I think he shouldn't have said it. It was negative, and I think people can change if they want to. All I said was that it was a negative way to think. I didn't say he wasn't entitled to his opinion. I sometimes think he takes what he learned in DBT and then acts like HE'S been the victim of all he's been doing to ME.

Frankly, my son is better off away from BPDh because BPDh has chosen to target my son, and his DBT clearly is not being used in this situation. If I'd ever had this reaction towards his kids, he'd have hit the fan. Therapy could be beneficial for my son, and I'm all for that, but talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

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[Ceruleanblue]

I may try to get my son in some therapy to deal with the disrespect, and my moving away, but I think him living with us is not going to happen. I do see him a couple times a week, but I think the less he is around BPDh, the better. I'm not excusing my son, I know his disrespect is not okay, and BPDh knows I've complained about it for years, but this issues was exacerbated by BPDh's lack of being able to deal with it. He vilified my son, when he himself was doing so much worse, and he also enjoyed doing mean things to my son.

I guess I have to view it as I am saving my son from BPDh's deliberate targeting of him. If I get my son in therapy, it won't be for the reasons BPD' thinks.

[formflier]

 

This feels like a rabbit trail to me.

MC and therapy should be (IMO) more about your r/s, the way you communicate... .etc etc

Seems like lots of time is being spent on children and other people that are not in therapy with you.

I would suggest that the better focus in all of this is the "opinion" piece.

If you both want to be able to have and express feelings and opinions... .then discuss how that will go.  If you both would rather keep those to yourselves and possibly just share those types of opinions with your own T (about his daughters)... .and for him (about your son)... .that might be ok.

But a one sided future... .doesn't seem like a future.

My guess is keeping them to yourselves is better.

You can keep your opinion that his daughters are bad news... .you can share that all you want with your T... .and you don't have to invalidate his feelings about his daughters.

You can keep your opinion of your son... .he talks to his T about it... .and you are not invalidated.

Rabbit trails come up... .and distract from core issue work (a balanced r/s)... .this will happen from time to time... .please try to redirect... .and move on.

Let the past stay there... .

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, what's weird about our MC is that the first four weeks were spent talking about BPDh's kids. That was the way our T steered it, and BPDh gets stuck on it. This week it was about my kids, and I too wonder why all this focus is on our kids, and not our relationship?

My being not being able to voice any opinion has been an ongoing thing. This week my husband keeps talking about "opinions", so I'm wondering if he got this from DBT, or from what our marriage therapist said. BPDh has always had the right to his opinions, whether I agree or not, but he's outright always told me he doesn't want to hear mine. I find that very unfair, and wish we could truly address that in MC.

I'm going to make a list of things I'd like to address in MC: Being able to have a disagreement without being cussed at. Agreeing to disagree.  Basic respect, which to me includes answering, not ignoring. Any other ideas of things to address that would make our lives easier, in light of all the BPD traits?

[formflier]

This week my husband keeps talking about "opinions", so I'm wondering if he got this from DBT, or from what our marriage therapist said. BPDh has always had the right to his opinions, whether I agree or not, but he's outright always told me he doesn't want to hear mine. I find that very unfair, and wish we could truly address that in MC.

It is possible that a more minor "rabbit trail"... .(the kids) needs to be addressed first... .before getting to the real work.

Since it seems this has been the entire focus on the MC... .maybe the last time wasn't a rabbit trail but more part of a plan with the MC T. 

He is correct... .he gets his opinion.  So you do. 

You don't have to listen... .neither does he.

FF

[sweetheart]

I did wonder Ceruleanblue when I was reading whether your h is both identifying and projecting with some of your sons negative behaviours. I do not believe if this is what is happening your h knows this in a conscious way. If he is though it might mean at some level that he really does recognise and acknowledge that T will help in those areas.

pwBPD very often see children as extensions of themselves with all the associated damage.

Just a thought.

[Ceruleanblue]

Sweetheart:

My son is BPDh's step son, and frankly, my husband disliked him I think upon first meeting him. Granted, my son didn't make a great impression as he was being rude at the time. He was 12 years old though, so that isn't that unusual. I hate how disrespectful my son can be towards me, but that doesn't mean I should just write him off, and moving away from him was hard. I think BPDh found him too hard to be around, so forced me to make the decision to move with him, leaving son behind, in order to make his own life easier. My son seems very happy at his Grandparents, but I'm having an awful time with it, even with visiting a couple times a week.

I feel like BPDh did this to punish me because he lost two of his adult kids(likely PD), and he blames me, but no longer states it's my fault(he's in DBT). And I feel he did it to have control, and to make his life easier because it's pretty clear to me, and others that he dislikes my son intensely.

Formflier:

I think our MC is focusing on our kid issues because so much of our marriage has been damaged by them. BPDh allowed his kids to be horrible to both of us, and now three of the four won't be around me, and two won't be around BPDh! It's just crazy how these kids act. They make my son's disrespect/rudeness towards me look pretty minor considering he is 16, but of course I agree it's an issue, and needs addressed. I'm willing to put my son in T, but it irks me because BPDh did nothing to protect us or bring peace with his kids, but MY kid who is underage was kicked out, and BPDh is making demands of me about him? It all just seems so unfair. Yet another double standard, and him asking me to do what he was unwilling to do himself. Plus, I acknowledge my kid has an issue, but BPDh can't admit his do, and all he does is defend them and get angry. Ugh!

It feels like yet another instance of skewed reality. Not seeing things the way they really are, but creating what BPDh wants to see. His reality seems based on his feelings, not reality. I love my kid as much as he loves his, but I love mine enough to be honest about him, and not just defend him. BPDh seems to think if he says anything negative about his kids, it's like he doesn't love them. I'm upset that his kids get special treatment, and they are so much older than mine. I wish our kids didn't have to be any sort of an issue in our marriage, and I think BPDh thought that by moving away from my son, that I'd just forget about him.