today my partner was upset about a story i told her id read online

[anon156]

hello everyone

another week another break up, what can i say.

today my partner was upset about a story i told her id read online (one which everyone else seemed to find very funny).

she went off on one trying to cause an argument in one of her moods. i called her boring and moved to another room as i could sense things getting blown out of proportion and thats not what i want

10 mins later she entered the room and told me to take my **** jokes else where, so i left. this is disappointing because we havent spent the night together in 5 days because ive been working the night shift.

thinking back if i would have stayed things probably would have blown over within the hour, but i find her argumentative moods annoying and dont want to be around them. but later always think i should have stayed and worked things out.

these occurrences are regular, at least twice a month i leave the house.

i would like to try something different this time, usually by now (left 4 hours ago) i would have emailed her something or called but i have not made contact at all. if i do not make contact for a few days and ignore her attempts at contact what do you think might happen?

i dont want to punish her for bad behaviour, but my thinking is if she is deprived of me the times she behaves this way maybe she will start to reign in a little. i know for sure now she will be feeling sorry for herself on her own (i always used to assume she would attempt meeting up with other guys but my own investigations have proved this to be paranoia only).

anyway what are you thoughts? what would you do?

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[isilme]

I don't think to limit contact to decrease the amount of drama is "punishing her".

I would likely not ignore HER attempts at contact if they are to make up.  If she wants to rehash the fight or start a new one, then by all means, tell her you're not going to participate and then ignore them.

A few things could happen - she might "reset" and the negative feelings will be gone for now and you can proceed as if nothing is amiss (in her mind, nothing will BE amiss - her feelings have shifted and so has her reality). 

She may get scared at a lack of contact and ramp up drama, maybe even cause a crisis, to get your attention.  She may have an extinction burst (see the sentence before) but then can accept the new normal in how you will respond to drama.

I tend to hit a point where H goes into Silent Treatment.  This can last a few hours to maybe 1-2 days, depending on the upset, how he's doing, and if things keep pushing the issue. If he's left alone, he manages in his impaired way to self-sooth a little, and if I react like it's done, no need to bring it up, discuss it, rehash it, discover who was "right", it's over.  We can move on.

I don't know if this would work for everyone.  Our dynamic is still not one I'd call super healthy, but it's an improvement over what is used to be. 

[anon156]

I don't think to limit contact to decrease the amount of drama is "punishing her".

I would likely not ignore HER attempts at contact if they are to make up.  If she wants to rehash the fight or start a new one, then by all means, tell her you're not going to participate and then ignore them.

A few things could happen - she might "reset" and the negative feelings will be gone for now and you can proceed as if nothing is amiss (in her mind, nothing will BE amiss - her feelings have shifted and so has her reality). 

She may get scared at a lack of contact and ramp up drama, maybe even cause a crisis, to get your attention.  She may have an extinction burst (see the sentence before) but then can accept the new normal in how you will respond to drama.

I tend to hit a point where H goes into Silent Treatment.  This can last a few hours to maybe 1-2 days, depending on the upset, how he's doing, and if things keep pushing the issue. If he's left alone, he manages in his impaired way to self-sooth a little, and if I react like it's done, no need to bring it up, discuss it, rehash it, discover who was "right", it's over.  We can move on.

I don't know if this would work for everyone.  Our dynamic is still not one I'd call super healthy, but it's an improvement over what is used to be. 

many thanks for your insights, they are most helpful

i will wait to hear from her and see what she has to say

[anon156]

many thanks for your insights, they are most helpful

i will wait to hear from her and see what she has to say

i may be immature but a large part of me want to call her up and finish with her just to cause more drama (i wont)

what could be the logic behind this thinking?

[isilme]

It's very normal to want to have your own say.  And we are also taught that we can resolve ALL differences with people if only we both sit down and listen to each other.  That's a BIG "if" and BPD makes that iff very unlikely.

If you want to bring it up, and need that kind of closure, you can try it, but a big part of being on this board is usually for people trying to diminish drama - we know what we've tried in the pat does NOT do that, and need to learn new approaches as well as new ways to think about it. 

It helps me to look at my husband as having an "emotional disability" and to realize that in many ways, he simply is not equipped to manage his emotions as well as I am.  meaning, I get to be the person watching how I react to him more than he is the one to manage how he reacts to me.  If I stop actions that feed the fire, we have less dramatic episodes on average, and fewer. 

It's very normal to want to lash out, to point out ho unfair BPD is, but it kind of just spins your tires, uses up energy that could go in to something better.

[anon156]

It's very normal to want to have your own say.  And we are also taught that we can resolve ALL differences with people if only we both sit down and listen to each other.  That's a BIG "if" and BPD makes that iff very unlikely.

If you want to bring it up, and need that kind of closure, you can try it, but a big part of being on this board is usually for people trying to diminish drama - we know what we've tried in the pat does NOT do that, and need to learn new approaches as well as new ways to think about it. 

It helps me to look at my husband as having an "emotional disability" and to realize that in many ways, he simply is not equipped to manage his emotions as well as I am.  meaning, I get to be the person watching how I react to him more than he is the one to manage how he reacts to me.  If I stop actions that feed the fire, we have less dramatic episodes on average, and fewer. 

It's very normal to want to lash out, to point out ho unfair BPD is, but it kind of just spins your tires, uses up energy that could go in to something better.

many thanks again, much appreciated

sometimes i feel like i am the one with BPD (how funny would that be if it were true) this girl drives me crazy at times

as an update, she has made contact asking where i am why i left and would i come back

i explained she asked me to leave, i didnt want to say things in the heat of the moment so i did as she asked

[gearshifted]

many thanks again, much appreciated

sometimes i feel like i am the one with BPD (how funny would that be if it were true) this girl drives me crazy at times

as an update, she has made contact asking where i am why i left and would i come back

i explained she asked me to leave, i didnt want to say things in the heat of the moment so i did as she asked

Ok, so I suppose that's good if that's what you want, assuming. What have you done? Have you gone back yet? If so, how do you think you can handle things the next time a similar situation arises to get a better outcome?