Why Non's keep going back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I apologize in advance if this is a trigger for you.  I'm trying to understand why Non's keep going back?  I've seen this happen so many times I can't count anymore with my son and DIL.  My son reaches a point critical mass, decides to leave, actually leaves and within 4-6 weeks ends up going back.  My DIL will blow up his phone with texts and show up on his doorstep, definitely in stalker mode, and before you know it they are back together.  I understand that my son must have a co-dependency, I'm thinking either a need to be needed, or a desire to rescue the damsel in distress.  What I can't understand is why, after the hell he has been through, he doesn't have this sense that a burden has been lifted off his shoulders and that he is now free.  It seems he is miserable with her and miserable without her.  

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I apologize in advance if this is a trigger for you.  I'm trying to understand why Non's keep going back?  I've seen this happen so many times I can't count anymore with my son and DIL.  My son reaches a point critical mass, decides to leave, actually leaves and within 4-6 weeks ends up going back.  My DIL will blow up his phone with texts and show up on his doorstep, definitely in stalker mode, and before you know it they are back together.  I understand that my son must have a co-dependency, I'm thinking either a need to be needed, or a desire to rescue the damsel in distress.  What I can't understand is why, after the hell he has been through, he doesn't have this sense that a burden has been lifted off his shoulders and that he is now free.  It seems he is miserable with her and miserable without her.  

[PeteWitsend]

I've seen a number of opinions on this, and it depends on the person; we all have some reason why we ended up in relationships like this.

Some just really didn't see any red flags until it was too late.  Others (like me)  ignored them for various reasons.  I also had no idea I was dealing with someone like BPD until 3 years into our marriage.

If this really has happened to your son many times, at some point you have to think he may have some of his own issues keeping him in this dysfunctional relationship.  Perhaps he needs to see a T on his own to get some perspective.

Also if you have a good relationship with your son, you may want to discretely get him some reading materials about the nature of BPD.

[Skip]

I'm trying to understand why Non's keep going back?

From his perspective, the good of the relationship outweighs the bad and he is living in the world of too good to leave, too bad to stay.  These relationships are often characterized as having very deep (even if troubled) emotional bonds.

If it was all bad, he would leave.

[Cat Familiar]

I can tell you why I kept returning to my first husband, though he was physically and emotionally abusive, a cheater, financially irresponsible--I had made a commitment and I intended to see it through. Also I was under the illusion that when the nice behavior (and the occasional remorse) returned, that he actually had a moment of self-awareness and I believed his vows to do better. A bit of magical thinking on my part, considering his bad track record.

Also I was so stubborn and was so sure that my willfulness could change him--well, that didn't work out. And when I finally realized that I was wasting my life being with him, and made that decision to end the relationship, I never had a moment of regret--not once. Only regret that it took me so long to get to that point.

Your son will have to figure it out on his own. My parents hated my husband and through that hatred, pushed me away. It's good that you're attempting to maintain a good relationship with your son and his wife. That's about all you can do.   

Cat

[DivDad]

In my case, it was hard to get a perspective things when you are living in and under "the world according to a BPD."

It was only after seeking out and finding support from friends and relatives that helped me see the light.

I had to get over the shame of communicating to others "on the outside" as to what was going on in my marriage. I had to transition from what I thought was unusual... .to what was truly bazaar behavior.  Once I started to open up to others... .(4 or 5 folks) it helped me realize that my marriage was not normal. 
Too, have your S seek out some buddies.  I did.  Their guy observations and advice wasn't so sugar coated.   He might listen to a few of his close friends who will tell him in a non-MOM way (no offense)... .that what he is living now is crazy.


Too, I kept a daily journal... .and when I went back and re-read situations... .I realized that no matter what I did or said, the same things were occurring over and over again.  To the point where I could predict the trigger and outcome.
 

[patientandclear]

If it was all bad, he would leave.

Respectfully, I am doubtful about this. My relationship with my exH (not the BPD person I usually post about here) was all bad. Truly. I stayed. Not because it was partly good—it was appalling on all levels. But because I had some entrenched notion of not abandoning my post.

It seems important to bear in mind that profoundly different sets of dynamics may momentarily play out in similar ways. Maybe some folks are in “to bad to stay/too good to go” territory but we can’t know from the OP whether that is true here. It sure isn’t true in a lot of genuinely abusive relationships.

[Tattered Heart]

I was listening to a podcast on this topic a couple weeks ago. Trauma Bonding seemed to be the main reason people keep going back. When things are bad, the Non knows that it's bad and wants better, but after the dysregulation, the pwBPD often becomes sincerely sorry with promises of getting better. They also begin to put the Non on a pedastal again, using love bombing and showering them with affection and adoration. This on again/off again behavior creates intermittent reinforcement, which is the exact same thing that keeps people playing slot machines over and over--sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but the winning outweighs the bad.

While in the relationship when the pwBPD puts the Non back in a White phase, the memory of being painted Black fades until the next time, creating a cycle.

Once someone leaves the BPD relationship, they are no longer subjected to any of the phases. They do not get the anger and hurt nor the adoration. They begin to miss the pwBPD and feelings of fondness for the relationship replace the reality of it. If the intermittent reinforcement is really strong, they begin to crave the adoration of the pwBPD. This leaves them vulnerable to recycling.