Hi, thanks for reading my post. I am new here, but not my 1st post. Anyone here have a choice to make of whether the Father will be in baby and your life? I am 10 wks and 2 days pregnant (PG). I have known my Husband (H) for 6 years, but for 11 months he has become an unknown to me. Some kind of mental break? I say BPD but he refuses this, blames me PLUS he refuses treatment. When he is not in this 'new state of mind' he is vocal about how much he loves me and life with me.
So, I got the stress of first time mom (FTM) at 37, incomeless, H refusing help, new abusive (mentally, emotionally and verbally) H and so I am researching everything on my own: BPD, mental illnesses, pregnancy, baby stuff, getting baby stuff, financial help, food, clothing, information on everything preggo since I learned nothing in school about babies, trying to get him into treatment, trying to glue my pieces back together since my Hs new personality sees me as the enemy and I am refusing to be abused any longer-mental disorder or not-no one deserves abuse. And I am shocked at this new person-yet he doesnt see it.
WOW! Just... .wow. My Husband would never allow this new husband (yes, my husband is my new husband, not some other guy) near me. His rants and rages make no sense, AND it is ALL me... .I really am sharing a room w a complete stranger now. From I can't make the car charger charge faster to I did not fill out HIS paperwork for HIS county meeting that is due: NOW. Ya, hours of raging and abuse, I call them 'magic carpet rides' except he doesnt do drugs... .so, wow... .just wow.
I don't have many to speak to. Here and NAMI meetings so far I got some words in. I am trying, so hard, to find some human support. I got all the laptop support I need
I have joined NAMI for families (which is AMAZING organization!) and getting education once a week there to understand my Hs newly aquired/discovered/brain illness/disorder plus I got a counselor for me to deal with my past and with this new present day. My past was dealt with, but his abuse has been so fierce it actually threw me BACK into PTSD, depression, anxiety and wow, everything I spent my life healing, torn into shreds by him. I also called IHOT, an organization which will physically contact mentally ill people to help them into therapy. They will also contact me as well to be supportive through their process---should we move towards recovery from this disorder.
Coming from a lifetime of abuse, it was my mission to never return to it. He also has similar history with family, extreme abuses and neglect for us. So, I thought kindred spirits. And we were... .until 11 months ago. And, my Angel became my Nightmare. My everything that I KNEW would be a great Father is not, and definately not even 1/100th of my real Husband (the old him). I am also trying to avoid a miscarriage here.
He is trying so hard to resemble his old self this past week. But I am not buying into it this time. He acts normal, just to HULK out on me for no reason later. So, now, I have distanced myself therefore I can handle his insanity when fired at me... .instead of trying to get the dagger out my back when I used to hug him.
Has anyone ever survived a marriage, or a pregnancy, or remained a strong person through it all whatever the outcome? So far, I told him, I am putting my life back together now and preparing life for our baby. No longer trying to apease his new insanity and whether or not he ends up with us, is completely up to him. It so very HARD to distance myself from my love, but I tell myself, "Its no longer him... ." read some journal entries and I am reminded quickly why it is important to protect ME. I want to cry my heart out and I am no crier. But I have to remain strong, as usual, I may fall or trip but I always get back up. With or without him, I always survive. I just wanted it all to be with the man I married. I dnt believe in Divorce but he has me absolutely considering it because I believe in my life and my babies life MORE than law and vows. Esp since he is breaking his marital vows by abusing me, I dont feel married at all today. Disgusted, shocked, hurt and broken... .but willing to fight on alone, if I must. Always.
Even being pregnant has not changed this new H. I am very sad, heartbroken, that not even love of a unborn child can get through to him... .the old him would have never ever EVER stood for any of this. Even the love of his wife, does not do anything. He was my everything, and when he is not raging, he is saying how much he loves me and his life. Now, I dont reply when his is playing his old self today because I know it's a matter of minutes or days when the new guy comes out again for my blood.
I tried taking all his abuses, until a few months later I realized he was lying and exploiting me, so I fought back. This turned mentally bloody and I began to consider Divorce after a few months of this. Now, I do not accept the abuse and I do not argue. I want my Husband back and I refuse to be abused. I gave him too many chances, too many opp.s to get help, and so if he won't try, what am I trying for?
Anyone else have anything like this going on? Or stories? Or support? I am reading all I can about BPD, but I am also spread very thin at this point and need to concentrate on being healthy for my baby. Its just sad with all I am doing, he can't pick up an article, on anything, about anything to help out, in any way.
Oh, and the time I was told we are PG is when he was injured at work and they will not pay him. Also, 6 months ago his Gma passed and his Father has become ill with heart disease plus broke his hip recently at 72. So, it is literally killing me to keep my distance as we both try to get through this year, but I also said to him I refuse to be abused again. So, how do I manage that? Be there, but be distant? I am going through all this alone, but I am strong enough, he really needs my support-not in my head, what he has said. But he traps me in the car and in our room to abuse me, so thats why I refuse to be in those areas with him. And this new him started 11 months ago, so all this new drama happened AFTER he changed.
The cracks began to show when I was able to walk again. 11 months ago I said I was ready to go out and get a job again plus college again. Being we were told I was dying in 2015, and I had already suffered for a decade, I was shocked that day ever came and was very happy! I dropped Western Docs and did all natural remedies for my complete recovery, all within 1 year from a death sentence. I am a miracle case, and my medical records paint a picture of Western Medicine ppl usually do not wish to hear. This new independence, maybe?, triggered the abandonment button that BPSs have?
I am reading, and hearing, and seeing, but nothing makes sense in my head regarding BPD. I have extensive experience with sick ppl, with me being sick too, but nothing prepared me for this surprise 5 yrs after I knew my H. I have to accept it does not have to make sense to me, it just is. But, I want to help so if I dnt understand I do not know how to help... .catch 22 is now my daily life.
I can see us being civil to eachother for our child since he refuses help, but I am still trying to get him in therapy. I refuse to allow our baby to witness this or for me to endure this any longer.
Has anyone survived and THRIVED with a severe mental disorder? Or married to a mental disorder? I can survive, but I need to thrive or move along. I refuse to drown my soul to stay married to a stranger... .
