Jekyell & Hyde

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that our pwBPD all display the "Jekyell & Hyde" personalities which makes this disease so infuriating and mysterious, but I am still trying to understand how someone can completely change from one personality to a completely opposite personality within a matter of seconds.

My BPDh, when in his normal state, hates being the center of attention in a public setting.  He does not like us to tell the waiters in a restaurant that it is his birthday because he does not want to be sung to and have everyone looking at him, he is uncomfortable in new social settings, and he has said that he can't imagine anything worse than being on a stage doing a "solo" act of any kind.

Ok... . I get that because I am an introvert personality as well and I, too, am uncomfortable in certain situations, BUT why then when he starts raging in public does he feel okay with everyone looking at him and even feels empowered?  The more that is said to him, the more he feels the need to cause a scene and go on and on. 

Whether his rage is directed at me or someone else doesn't seem to matter.  If it is me, he feels that he needs to say horrible, negative things out loud about me so that "everyone will know what I am really like"... . almost like he's giving a speech.  If he's raging at, say, a slow cashier at a store, then suddenly he feels extroverted enough to start saying horrible things to that person loudly enough for everyone else in the store to hear, WITH ALL EYES ON HIM.

I still just don't get it.  God forbid he needs to make a speech in a normal setting, but when raging suddenly he has no shyness at all.  UGH! WHY? HOW?

[maryy16]

I know that our pwBPD all display the "Jekyell & Hyde" personalities which makes this disease so infuriating and mysterious, but I am still trying to understand how someone can completely change from one personality to a completely opposite personality within a matter of seconds.

My BPDh, when in his normal state, hates being the center of attention in a public setting.  He does not like us to tell the waiters in a restaurant that it is his birthday because he does not want to be sung to and have everyone looking at him, he is uncomfortable in new social settings, and he has said that he can't imagine anything worse than being on a stage doing a "solo" act of any kind.

Ok... . I get that because I am an introvert personality as well and I, too, am uncomfortable in certain situations, BUT why then when he starts raging in public does he feel okay with everyone looking at him and even feels empowered?  The more that is said to him, the more he feels the need to cause a scene and go on and on. 

Whether his rage is directed at me or someone else doesn't seem to matter.  If it is me, he feels that he needs to say horrible, negative things out loud about me so that "everyone will know what I am really like"... . almost like he's giving a speech.  If he's raging at, say, a slow cashier at a store, then suddenly he feels extroverted enough to start saying horrible things to that person loudly enough for everyone else in the store to hear, WITH ALL EYES ON HIM.

I still just don't get it.  God forbid he needs to make a speech in a normal setting, but when raging suddenly he has no shyness at all.  UGH! WHY? HOW?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 

i will reply he has this disease call BPD and when he is his normal self he is the person you fell in love with the person you know which is why alot of us stay. WE know how they can be.

when they turn to this evil side the side we are scared of the one we don't understand they(beleive it or not )don't either some don't remember ever being this mean, or having an outburst in public

this is alot why they can't apologize, which is why they are called Jekle and Hyde. it is like they black out, and if they remember they can't beleive they did what they did.

now with that said all you can do is to leave when he starts in leave, don't let him call you names or bring you down. make boundaries, they are for you by changing what you do, he will follow, i haven't seen a jeckle and hyde in a long time from my husband, but sure remember them and how scary they can be. i had to set limits and change things. once i did things started changing. let your husband scream and call you names doesn't mean you have to  stick around to listen... .

[Cloudy Days]

The way I see it, is they get to a point emotionally that they can't hold it back. Their are three mind sets that they talk about in DBT therapy. Emotional Mind, Logical Mind and Wise mind. When they rage and carry on like they do they are in Emotional mind. In this state of mind nothing you say or do makes a difference, what ever they are feeling in Emotional mind they go with it. Something triggers emotional mind, whether they feel threatened by something someone said or whether it is just from having a bad day and someone screwed up at the cash register. Once they are triggered, nothing can hold them back from how they feel and they feel attacked or threatened usually so you are going to see a mean side because they are fighting back. In Logical mind, no emotions are used to make decisions, they don't usually use logical mind. Wise mind is putting them together, in therapy they teach them how to stay in wise mind and not get lost in emotional mind. For normal people they have an off switch, they can look at what is happening and say hey things are getting out of hand for the circumstances. Borderlines don't have that off switch, they only feel and they can't turn their feelings off when they get overwhelmed.

At least this is how I look at it.

It's interesting though that your husband has outbursts in public. My husband is low functioning but he can keep it together in public. He saves all his psycho outbursts for at home with me. He's gotten very mad at people but will walk away and then target me because I am there. He does not like to draw attention to himself at all in a negative way.

[Bloomer]

The way I see it, is they get to a point emotionally that they can't hold it back. Their are three mind sets that they talk about in DBT therapy. Emotional Mind, Logical Mind and Wise mind.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately myself. When we with others, he can keep it together. The second guests leave the house, it's like a different person takes over. Sometimes I know it will be coming. Others, it's like being hit by a bus.

[maryy16]

Cloudy Days... . that's so much for the info on the Emotional, Logical, and Wise minds... . it makes a lot of sense.  Seems like the emotional mind somehow suppresses all inhibitions so that they are able to act in ways that totally go against their normal personality... . kind of like being drunk, I guess.

And, unfortunately, for me, my H does not care where he rages.  Plenty of strangers have had to endure him because in his mind they were "stupid", "moronic", "slow ___es", "dumb ___es, or just plain "___holes".  But that's not to say that he won't turn and start raging on me also.  I suddenly become all the things that he believes the other people are.

[Cloudy Days]

But that's not to say that he won't turn and start raging on me also.  I suddenly become all the things that he believes the other people are.

I've read that when they rage, or when they are upset and in attack mode, they are actually reliving a traumatic moment in their life emotionally at least. So when they are attacking you, it has nothing to do with you. They are simply using you because you are there. Understanding this makes it a little easier to detach with love and not take it so personally.

I agree that it is so much harder to deal with in a public situation. My husband will explode in the car instead of at the person and I don't want to have anything to do with him raging in the car. It's like being trapped with no where to go. I have gotten out and walked before but sometimes that's not always possible either.

[bruceli]

But that's not to say that he won't turn and start raging on me also.  I suddenly become all the things that he believes the other people are.

I've read that when they rage, or when they are upset and in attack mode, they are actually reliving a traumatic moment in their life emotionally at least. So when they are attacking you, it has nothing to do with you. They are simply using you because you are there. Understanding this makes it a little easier to detach with love and not take it so personally.

I agree that it is so much harder to deal with in a public situation. My husband will explode in the car instead of at the person and I don't want to have anything to do with him raging in the car. It's like being trapped with no where to go. I have gotten out and walked before but sometimes that's not always possible either.

It's getting less and less easy to "simply" understand and detach "with love" I'm here to tell you... .  Any other's with me on this one?

[Bloomer]

bruceli- It's getting less and less easy to "simply" understand and detach "with love" I'm here to tell you... .  Any other's with me on this one?

I go back and forth. Some days I have nothing left or he hits one of my triggers. And then I just want to push him away as much as he's pushing me.

Other days I am able to detach and just keep repeating "This isn't about you. He's hurt. He's wounded. He's scared. He loves you and is afraid you'll leave so he's trying to push you away. You didn't do anything wrong and his brain is just in defense mode."

Rollercoaster of love... .

[allibaba]

Some days I have nothing left or he hits one of my triggers. And then I just want to push him away as much as he's pushing me.

Other days I am able to detach and just keep repeating "This isn't about you. He's hurt. He's wounded. He's scared. He loves you and is afraid you'll leave so he's trying to push you away. You didn't do anything wrong and his brain is just in defense mode."

Rollercoaster of love... .

It takes a great deal of strength and patience to be in a relationship with a BPD.  In order to be strong then you really have to focus on taking care of yourself.  Its amazing how much more we are able to handle if you have been taking care of yourself.  I have to ask myself (what's important to me)... . make a list and then tick those things off. 

So I might have 5 things that I really enjoy:  Running, walking the dogs, gardening, reading, going out w friends.  I need to make sure that at least 1 of those things is part of every day.  Then I hired a housekeeper twice a month and I started getting my hair done when it needed it.  I used to always prioritize my husband and son ahead of me.  When I take care of myself -- I am not being selfish.  I am doing it so that I can be a better wife and a better mother.

If I am losing patience w hubby often times its that I am not taking care of myself and then I start to slide into a "poor me" mentality.  He can smell it coming and it actually makes him worse.

[bruceli]

bruceli- It's getting less and less easy to "simply" understand and detach "with love" I'm here to tell you... .  Any other's with me on this one?

I go back and forth. Some days I have nothing left or he hits one of my triggers. And then I just want to push him away as much as he's pushing me.

Other days I am able to detach and just keep repeating "This isn't about you. He's hurt. He's wounded. He's scared. He loves you and is afraid you'll leave so he's trying to push you away. You didn't do anything wrong and his brain is just in defense mode."

Rollercoaster of love... .

I'm with you on this except it is SOO draining on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.

[Bloomer]

If I am losing patience w hubby often times its that I am not taking care of myself and then I start to slide into a "poor me" mentality.  He can smell it coming and it actually makes him worse.

Yes, I've definitely noticed that. However, it's a vicious circle because since we are on one income right now and he isn't as conservative as I am with money, if I treat myself more and it isn't free, it just means higher credit card debt, which is all in  my name. Awesome... .

[allibaba]

Yes, I've definitely noticed that. However, it's a vicious circle because since we are on one income right now and he isn't as conservative as I am with money, if I treat myself more and it isn't free, it just means higher credit card debt, which is all in  my name. Awesome... .

There are ways to treat yourself without spending money.   

Maybe start with those.  Are you in a community where you have lots of friends and an established network?  If so, maybe find the time to go over to a friend's to watch a movie... .   Netflix is what $7.99 a month.  Go get a coffee with someone.  Lots of ways to take care of yourself without incurring credit card debt.