HUGE a-ha moment...

[Depression = 72% of members]

How I respect the members on this board who have stuck it out with pwPD's for 5, 10, 20+ years... . Really... . how do you all do it?

[bruceli]

How I respect the members on this board who have stuck it out with pwPD's for 5, 10, 20+ years... . Really... . how do you all do it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Free One]

It was 17 for me. I think it lasted so long because I am so stubborn and loyal. In retrospect, I can see just how much I carried him emotionally and "dealt" with all those emotions for him. We ran into problems once we had a family, and I started a career. I couldn't carry him anymore, so he felt abandoned. Honestly, I probably would've stayed and forced him to work it out if it hadn't been for a lot of infidelity on his part. 

[Chosen]

I've only learnt about BPD for a year, although I have been with H for about 5 (married since last year).

Actually, I think that learning about BPD empowers me more, because before that I tried all I could to stop certain things from happening, and they just didn't work.  I think there have been certain improvements made in the past year, although I am also grieving that my relationship will never be like other "normal" relationships. 

I have a lot of respect for members here who stayed with their pwBPDs for that long too... . it is a selfless act because their pwBPDs will never appreciate/ know what they did for them.  I hope I don't lose that love and things will continue to improve as I practise the tools more often.

[Rockylove]

I haven't been with my uBPDbf as long as some others (2 years) but plan to be with him for the remainder of my life.  I feel fortunate to have found answers (early enough) to the bazaar behavior and my compassionate nature, knowledge of my own shortcomings, unwavering faith, a big dose of patience and unconditional love provide me the strength to move beyond what may be perceived by others as an intolerable situation. 

I know there will be difficulties and many challenges to face.  The saving grace is that I have access to this cite and the wisdom of the sages.  My cousin (with whom I've consulted) specializes in "difficult people" and has offered his guidance.  Knowledge is power.  Not that I want to be powerful, but empowered if that makes any sense at all. 

This isn't a Cinderella story.  There's no Prince Charming and no glass slipper.  It is, however my wonderful life and I don't feel like I'm settling for something less than what society tells us is the norm... . it's just different and that's just fine with me.

[waverider]

it is a selfless act because their pwBPDs will never appreciate/ know what they did for them. 

This not always the case, a pwBPD can learn to accept their issues even if they dont have the commitment and resolve to fix them themselves.

I am at a stage now where we are both on the same"team' it is openly "our" issue, we are no longer combatants. Even though all the crazy BPD though processes and behaviors are there

[WalrusGumboot]

I stayed with mine for 23 years before I finally threw in the towel. I knew about BPD for the last 5.

Thank you for the respect, but honestly I think I did myself no favor by sticking it out as long as I did. There was much cost to me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I might have a different attitude if there was evidence that she was going to help herself by seeking therapy, but she stubbornly refused to having a problem down to the very end.

Now I respect those that stick with their pwBPD and work together with them to improve their relationship.

[bruceli]

it is a selfless act because their pwBPDs will never appreciate/ know what they did for them.  

This not always the case, a pwBPD can learn to accept their issues even if they dont have the commitment and resolve to fix them themselves.

I am at a stage now where we are both on the same"team' it is openly "our" issue, we are no longer combatants. Even though all the crazy BPD though processes and behaviors are there

I agree... . They can LEARN but as of yet I am not so sure that they understand why.  They learn that certain things are socially acceptable and that they have to behave a certain way without actually understanding why except for the fact that this is what society acepts as appropriate behavior.

[waverider]

Thats more a comment about learning to accept they have a problem, so at least they can appreciate the effort you put into it. Not necessarily how to deal with it and override natural instincts. Even with good T it is more like a managed problem than instinct transformation.

But then they are all different.

Extra stress causes anyone to revert to basic type.